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  • Ms_JAQ
    Posts: 109Member

    Relationships aren't as clear cut as they used to be. There used to be a time when either you where single or you where in a relationship and that was that. But now you can be dating one person, or many and still be single. There's friends with benefits, fuck buddies, casual hook ups and a thousand different variations of 'kind of single but not really'. And everyone seems to have different 'rules' for dating and different opinions on what equals cheating.

    I know friends (men and women) who date and sleep with lots of different people and don't think there's anything wrong with it. And there are just as many of them that would think this sort of behaviour is cheating. Some of them are up front about their expectations and some of them just assume that the other person is on the same page as them. So what if he thinks you're together and you think you're just 'hanging out'. What if you misinterpret the situation and end up scaring him off or worse accidentally cheating.

    What's you take on it? How do you know if you're single or not? What 'signs' do you look for to determine if a guys really committed to you? And if weeks or months go by and he dosen't give you a clear signal then how do you deal with it without freaking him out or coming across as a nu tjob?

    *sigh* where's a male perspective when you need one.

  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,244Member

    @Ms_Jaq:  IDK, I know I don't do "fuck buddies," or casual.  If it's intimate, it's monogomous.  I would expect the same courtesy.  I do have a male friend who constantly asks my "female perspective," and I'm totally lost.  My last relationship I read so totally wrong it's almost funny now.  Don't get me wrong, I am VERY thankful I didn't marry him, but I wasted a lot of time on it.


    After that experience, I'm of the thought that if you have to ask, you already know...

    Bite me, cupcake!
  • battibatti
    Posts: 2,164Member
    This is a good topic, I think everyone views relationships differently. For me, when I was younger and wanted an open relationship, I was upfront. i pretty much just told the dude, 'I'm not looking for anything serious and you are not the only one.' If he was cool with that, he stuck around, if not, he didn't. When I met DH i dropped the other 2 QUICK. I knew I didn't want to share him so I didnt expect him to share me

    SMSM_s_5

  • Ms_JAQ
    Posts: 109Member
    @BellaBefana just wondering - when you say you expect the same courtesy, do you actually say something to them to let them know what your expectations are? Or do you just hope they will do the right thing?
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,244Member

    Yep, I do. But then, once past the generally "fuck fest" of one's early 20's, I only really dated one at a time, certainly only slept with one at a time. 


    I suppose, though, it depends on one's definition of "intimate."  For me, it's never been purely about the sex, yes, I like sex, but the pleasure comes from the emotional intimacy that goes a long with the sex. so, when I'm investing emotionally in a man enough to have sex, I  expect it to be reciprocated.


    I guess I'm a bit of a prude, and, admittedly, I had a lot of fun in my 20's, but it was fairly unfullfilling.

    Bite me, cupcake!
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,244Member
    @Ms_JAQ, this is of course, NOT on the first date!  For me personally, it takes time to get to that point, but I generally know after 3-4 dates if I'm going to want to be intimate with someone.  But, I haven't met anybody in a very long time I've wanted to "get to know" better, and I'm especially careful now that I have a child to worry about...
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • Luvlyssa
    Posts: 2,976Member
    it is confusing isn't it? I guess this comes down to a "discussion" bit. Kinda like ... in the 60's high school "wanna go steady???" lol

    I hate that conversation SO MUCH... ugh. us girls worry about it MUCH more than guys do. Guys are typically a "whatever works" type. If you're wondering if you're in a "committed" relationship (aka bf/gf) then .. ask him (or her) "hey are you seeing anyone else? just curious". and if he isn't then say (with a wink and smile) "good... I kinda like having you to myself while we get to know each other"

    if he IS seeing someone else.... hm then maybe say "oh? I guess I never learned to date multiple people at once... is it difficult?" then you can feel him out how serious he is about either of you


    dating sucks. I vote dating stops and we're just paired up with our best match ;) makes it so much easier
    Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.
  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,167Member
    It's not that hard really, when he asks, " do you wanna?" ya just say, "I don't sleep with guys unless we're exclusive."  Unless you've already done the deed and then u just say hey, i'm not comfortable continueing things this way unless we are exclusive, so if you're not into that I need to know now.  Better to cut loses early...
  • sunnymommasunnymomma
    Posts: 2,244Member
    @Ms_JAQ thank you for posting this, Ive often wondered the same thing!!! Ive been out of the loop so long i forgot how to date!
    “There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
    ― John Lennon
  • Ms_JAQ
    Posts: 109Member

    I'm not sure if I would feel comfortable sleeping with more then one person at a time but i have no problem moving from one fling to another quickly or having a few 'maybes' on the go at the same time. When one guy starts to stand out more then the others I let the rest go and focus my energy on him. And I wouldn't be put off if a guy told me that he wasn't looking to be exclusive, as long as he still treated me with respect and was honest about what he was up to. That being said I absolutely think that if you really want a serious relationship then you have to stick to your guns and not settle for less. If you're happy to just have fun then that's cool but I get mad when I hear my friends giving guys mixed messages. i.e saying they're cool with something casual when they're really not and then getting hurt when they don't get what you want. It all comes down to what you want and where your head is at. Also I've noticed that people of my generation (late 20s-early 30s) and younger are much more likely to keep their options open and play the field which can be a total pain in the ass some times.

  • sunnymommasunnymomma
    Posts: 2,244Member
    So what if it starts off casual non exclusive and one of you wanted more? mixed messges are never cool
    “There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
    ― John Lennon
  • Rawrchu
    Posts: 516Member
    I think it depends on your age, too.  As I've gotten older and nearer to dating at 40, I've had men literally tell me that they can only handle dating one woman at a time! That still cracks me up, but I fully agree. I've always been the same way. Dating takes too much time and energy and there just isn't enough of either to go around. 

    BF & I have been dating a little over a year and we are very serious. I think his kids started commenting on me being his GF before anything was officially said between us. One day, he commented about his GF (referring to me) and I knew.  Turned out that he'd been calling me his GF within the first week. 

    I guess we do worry too much about labels. For many of us, it's a security thing and I'm HUGE on needing security. Knowing that he considered me his GF put me on a different level than just his date. I guess the only thing I really have is that you have to either ask him or wait it out.  Heck, you could refer to him as your boyfriend and see how he reacts.  My 11 year old DS's GF (OMG TOO YOUNG!!!) told me that she asked him out because she read an article that said that 85% of guys want the girl to ask them out. LMAO  Maybe he's waiting to see if you are committed to him! ;)
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    i've noticed that after about 30 guys start wanting to settle down, i think its mostly the 20's that there's so much confusion cause they want to fuck anything in a skirt. well girls can be pretty bad too.
    ~slim shady~
  • NCCrazeeMom
    Posts: 7Member
    I am terrible with relationships!  I am the one holding back- God has brought some tremendous men into my life and I can't seem to commit.  Really it's sad - I see them as GREAT guys who want to commit to me but I can not do it - so instead of the guy having the b/f - g/f issue it's totally me....
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