Attachment Parenting

HaileysMom

Who uses it, and how does it work for you?

sanityseeker

What is it??

CanadianMama

@Chocoholic, @Sammie, @four_winds

I would say we mostly attachment parent (it's our natural personalities though, not a choice we made), but we don't co-sleep, baby wear, etc. Rylee is an independent child, with great manners and a great imagination. I think it's working out well for us.

Attachment parenting is about modeling behaviour you want your kids to have, it's about cherishing the bond between parents and child, with a huge emphasis on touch and compassion.

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/principles.php

Katescrazymom

I was doing it before I knew it was a thing. Baby wearing, breast feeding, co sleeping mom over here. I work at home, do baby lead weaning, cloth diaper (not really ap, but more 'natural family living' often goes with it) most of the time.... Though I'm not extreme. Dd got some nudges towards weaning, I do use strollers, dd is ands will be encouraged to sleep in their own rooms, and I think some of my rules and discipline don't fit, as gentle discipline often goes with ap, too.
I don't think our evolution has caught up with babies being safe alone, so I kept mine close and it went from there. I think every baby deserves breast milk and every mom should have that time without pressure to get anything else done. Yes I know it can't work that way, and I'm not going to judge anyone who uses formula.
My dd is really sensitive and shy, so we mostly gentle discipline. Everyone says she's well behaved, so it must be working.
I am NOT home schooling, I'm not that organized. Dd does take dance lessons, and will be doing some sort of summer program to get her used to being away more before she starts school in September.
It feels natural and right to me.

HaileysMom

I heard about it on the Today show because of the mom on a magazine cover nursing an almost 4 year old boy.

BellaBefana

I think that was taking it to the extreme...dd and I are very attached, but she's also very independent. Thank God! My mom and her husband took her for a couple of days last week and I SO needed that.

My personal feeling is that if you haven't "bonded" to your kid LONG before that article would lead you to believe you've got way more serious problems...

CanadianMama

There are lots of different ways to attachment parent, extended breast feeding is just one part of it.

MarySunshine

I skimmed the link @canadianmama posted and it seems like attachment parenting is plain old parenting, give or take a couple things. Am I wrong? Not trying to sound douchey, but from reading the examples they gave we do a lot of that, lots of touching, babies were always close by to us, always talking to them and loving them. I didn't/am not breastfeeding, but when DH and I fed DS2 and the new wee beastie we are holding them and loving them.

DS2 hated the baby sling. He liked it for a week and then freaked out whenever we put him in it. The wee wee beastie is still eh about it.

BellaBefana

Neither one of us liked the baby slings...and let me tell you, I have one of almost every kind on the damn market, because dd DID NOT want to be put down, I practically starved the second 3 weeks of her life after my mom went home! Thank God for peanut butter and cheese/crackers!

unforgiven

I'm with @callieflower82 I strive to do everything on that list... I didn't know that was considered 'attachment parenting'.. Am I missing something?

BellaBefana

IDK, I think there are "extremes" to any kind of "parenting." do what works for you and yours!

CanadianMama

@CallieFlowers82, @unforgiven I think it goes slightly beyond regular parenting, in particular when it comes to discipline. However, I think most people attachment parent toddlers and babies, it's continuing these habits as they grow up that makes it special.

unforgiven

I still feel like I'm missing something. LOL :-S

CanadianMama

Lol @unforgiven ask @Sammie, @Chocoholic or @four_winds they know way more about this than I do.

BeerWench

Interesting, some of it is natural for me.

momofdbb

I was joking earlier today my DS thinks I do attachment parenting , well he likes to stay attached to me in some way all the time ! Ahhhhhh !!!! If he is not sitting on me he is climbing on me or hugging me or something !! Lol I know not the same thing. Even when we go to sleep , if he manages to fall asleep in his bed, he will get up sometime in the night and climb in bed with me.

HaileysMom

I agree with nursing for the first year.
I agree that a baby should sleep in a bassinet until he/she sleeps through the night. I don't have anything against baby wearing. I've tried gentle discipline as well as a more assertive approach, and now that the "Terrible 2s" approach, Hailey is seriously trying my patience and thinks that any/all discipline is a game.

nothingivebecome

I did. My daughter slept with me until she was three. I had a sling and she went with me to stores, to do chores, to play on the computer. I never let her cry it out...even when I wanted to pull my own hair out. I made her baby food at home. She was a cloth diapered little girl. She went to sleep every night in nothing but her diaper laying on my boobs....skin to skin....I loved it. I miss those days.

BellaBefana

@HaileysMom: man I know what you mean about the discipline!!!! I give dd "the look," well, apparently I haven't mastered it as she just laughs at me, which of course makes me even angrier.

My personal feeling on discipline, or perhaps consequences, is that if you've always made the "rules" known, then you need to be able to be flexible about doling out the consequences...time outs worked great for a while. Now, not at all. Eh, you adjust.

BellaBefana

@nothingivebecome: I did a lot of that also, except for the making my own baby food, I tried, I really did, just was not my thing. I don't believe you should let a child less than 1 "just cry it out," they cry for a reason at that age, and one statistic I do agree with is that you cannot "spoil" a child under 1 year.

We didn't do skin-skin at night because I can't sleep with the heat up too high, and she was born in the winter. But if that's what "attachment parenting" is, then I guess I pretty much do it.

I mostly just try to "go with the flow!"

HaileysMom

@BellaBefana I have a hard time keeping her away from my dh's collectibles, his XBOX games, and our board games and DVDs. Should I put those things out of reach, or keep teaching her that they are "no no" things for her? She will grin and run away when I try to take the things away. I have swatted her hand an her butt, and I've put her in time out. She will tip over the chair to get out of it. She says "no" and hits me back. I know that I'm not giving her a positive example.

nothingivebecome

@bellabefana that is the most of what everyone assumes attachment parenting is. it really is just being in-tune with what your child needs. and trying NOT to let them need

Katescrazymom

Lol. I ap because I'm lazy. Except for the cloth diapers, and even then I didn't want the hassle of running out. I'm also a hermit.

I chose to childproof most of the house, see above, I'm lazy and I don't think it's good to have to be on a baby/toddler's case all the time. I prefer to avoid bad behavior, but there were things she couldn't touch in the office and kitchen, so she did have some limits to deal with daily.

Onmylastnerve

I may be crazy but someone said something like "house proof your child don't child proof your house" @haileysmom I still make sure our outlets have covers and nothing harmful is within her reach but my living room isn't truly childproof. It takes a lot but she knows what she can and can't touch, same goes with every room. I've spent months upon months redirecting her and it's no longer an issue with us. She even knows which remote is hers to play with.

BellaBefana

@HaileysMom: I didn't go through getting into everything with mine. I only have one cabinet child-proofed, the one under the kitchen sink. There is one cupboard she was allowed to play in, and that's really the only one she ever got in. I kind of think you have to look at each child's personality, even if you have more than one.

What works for one, may/may not work on another.

When dd started "toddling," pulling herself up to the coffee/end tables, I put collectibles away, but I also did that because now I have pictures of her in those spots and didn't have room. I might go ahead and put them up out of her reach, but also continue telling her "no no." I'm certainly not against a smack on the hand to drive the point home, but if that's not working, time outs aren't working, I'd go ahead and put them away for a while.

Also, one thing is tone of voice. "No, No, honey" in a sing song voice is not going to have the same effect as a firm, "NO NO."

BellaBefana

I would absolutely NOT tolerate her hitting you back. If that's happening, I think I would remove her to her room, though I don't remember if you said how old she is...

BellaBefana

Oh, and I actually liked cloth diapering, and had planned to do it from the beginning, except dd was so tiny I couldn't find ones to fit...the ones I had just weren't cutting it. But my reason was I gagged at the thought of stinky diapers in the trash in AZ in July when it's 115.

I also found that the severe yeast diaper rash went away with the cloth diapers.

BellaBefana

Our big problem is running in the house and jumping on the furniture...she knows better, but about half the time she just looks at me with a wicked little grin and does it anyway.

TheHeadacheslayer

IMO attachment parenting is meeting your baby/toddler/child's needs on their terms. I don't think there is any one right way to AP. For instance, after 6 mos, our son did NOT want to sleep with us (slept in a travel crib in our room), and at 12 mos needed to sleep in his own room. I nursed for 26 mos until he self-weaned.

I was very "mainstream" with my daughter, and changed alot of how we parented with our son--and it was truly in his best interest. I planned on homebirth, cloth diapering, breastfeeding--and he wound up having skin issues (which meant CDing was perfect) and severe anaphylactic food allergies (so HB & BF probably saved his health at least if not his life).

People can be attached even if they do other things that are more mainstream--I don't like to see parents try to get that gold star just because they claim to be the crunchiest. Not everyone can do everything in AP--but as I like to say as long as a baby is healthy, safe and happy and loved, that's the most important thing ;)

momnipotent

I breastfeed on demand, I NEVER let him cry, I cosleep, I wear my baby, I talk to him relentlessly, I have him near me all the time, lots of skin to skin. he naps in my arms at least once a day. to me, attachement parenting is all about establishing the trust which helps create a strong bond. everyone is so shocked that yes, he will sleep alone and is fine to play by himself, the rare time I cant jump to get him when he cries as soon as I verbally acknowledge him he will settle long enough for me to finish what im doing. I believe this is due to my consistancy of replying to his needs. he is still tiny so I know it will get harder but I am confident that my efforts are giving us a good start. I know that what works for me and mine works for everyone else, just so noone thinks im trying to be preachy
I agree with PP, there is definately no one way to do it! do what FEELS right and works for you!

catzfan

One thng I've wondered about is ap and large families. Do you still have the time it takes to ap when it's kid number 4 or 5? After all it seems to be a very time and labor intensive concept. I was never brave enought to go beyond 2 kids.... Just thinking out loud and wondering is all....

[Deleted User]

@canadianmama lol! I'm with @four_winds I don't really define myself as an attachment parent, and Dr. sears is a bit much for me, but I do a lot d AP style behaviors and practices.

We breastfeeds, although I am not doing baby led weaning because at 2, I am done. We co-sleep, we did some baby wearing but we also used a stroller (and now she walks).

I agree with @four_winds about discipline, we are not into reactive discipline, more into morals and manners, teaching a child how to be empathetic etc. I will not use physical discipline and thus far no time-outs. We try and use explanation and empathy to help derive her natural understanding for how to behave. She is a very sweet and sunny little girl with a LOT of energy and a temper, but so far our methods are working for us.

I take and leave from lots of different parenting "methods", which is what I think every parent does. Labels are getting a little silly IMO but I'm happy to answer any questions if I can.

Gingersnap

I love the title of @guerillamom 's blog post on the topic

Attachment Parenting. Or as the rest of us refer to it... parenting.

http://guerrillamom.blogspot.com/2012/05/attachment-parenting-or-as-rest-of-us.html

We attachment parent, but I'm not a good model of any kind of parenting. I'm a muddler.

Persephone

I use some of the principles, but not all. Some of it makes sense; having your baby close to you, but I don't buy that if you're truly attached, that when they are toddlers the conflicts are easier/the kids are more compliant. That's BS, IMO.

But it's important to spend my time after work w/ DS and pay attention to him and often let him lead things (but with guidance - sometimes firm, and sometimes lax).

We do what's best for us; we borrow from it, and from other philosophies. It has some good ideas and some silly ones (IMO) and we do what works for us.

CanadianMama

@Persephone yup, this about sums it ups "It has some good ideas and some silly ones (IMO) and we do what works for us."

Sammie

Just seeing this discussion. :)

I practice/subscribe/believe in a lot of the pillars of AP. Not because I wish to be categorized in my parenting as I think we are all muddlers to some extent (great word @gingersnap), but because I feel it's what is best for my kid(s). I hate that any style of parenting that isn't discipline centered/Authoritative is often labeled as permissive or lazy parenting. Quite the contrary. I'm in line with @four_winds and @chocoholic for the most part. I strive to teach empathy, respect, and compassion via open communication, respect of her feelings and modeling the behaviors that I would like to see in my child. I'm not perfect and I do fall short, but becoming a mother has made me a better person. That's for sure.

We do not use any sort of physical punishment/discipline either. The DH and I are on the same page about these things which is immensely helpful. We always have each other for support, ideas, and even to redirect/take over if one of us is feeling frustrated/burned out. Like I said, we are not perfect, but this is what works for us and makes us feel comfortable and secure in our parenting.

HaileysMom

@catzfan I also wonder how my parenting will change when I have a second baby. I'm a first time mom, and my dd is 18 months old. I'm still figuring out how I need to parent, and as Hailey gets older our tactics continue to change. I remember how scary parenting was when we brought Hailey home and while I was at home with her for the first 6 weeks. Then things changed when I went back to work, and Hailey stayed with my bff for 3 hours in the morning M-F. Since I've become a sahm, My parenting has changed again. Since Hailey has become a toddler, my style of parenting has shifted from caring for her and meeting her needs to disciplining her and keeping her safe. Even though it may not be completely "attachment parenting", I think that all my parenting is meant to change and adjust to meet Hailey's needs as they also change.
I know that all of this will change again when we add a new baby into our family. Last weekend we got a new puppy. Now I find myself running all around the place keeping up with Hailey, Garfield (our 5 year old cat), and the new puppy Rex. I'm trying to house train Rex and potty train Hailey at the same time. I hope to have Hailey potty trained before we have another baby.
I find myself hoping to be a better parent to our next child. At the same time, I know that I need to focus on Hailey and be the best parent I can be for her. So I try to be in tune with her, even though I haven't focused on AP all along. I have recently discovered that Hailey once again wants me to rock her before sleep time. I nursed her to sleep for the first 6 months. Once we started formula feeding, she would just fall asleep when she was
full, and I'd take away the bottle. When she turned 1, she was using a
sippy cup of water and just went to bed with it and fell asleep. She'd
fight me holding her in the rocking chair, so I just started putting
her in her crib and night and letting her fall asleep on her own. Now
I've realized that she wants that attachment again. So now I'm adapting
to that, and we're both much happier for it. I hope that this attachment helps her gain independence for when I'm attaching to a new baby.
I think that my biggest worry is that I'm somehow neglecting Hailey by playing on my phone or laptop or just being on the go instead of only playing with her. I've noticed that she gets into things when I'm distracted by something else, so I will stop what I'm doing to play with her. Even when I'm trying to play with Hailey, I often get distracted by the ding of my cell phone and get lost in it again. I tend to zone out and forget to focus on Hailey and my playing with her. It seems like she drains all my energy and wears me out, so I kinda get tired and almost give up trying to keep up with her all day. I get up at 6am to spend time on myself first thing in the morning before Hailey wakes up. Then when she goes to bed, I clean up everything and try to wind down before I crash for the night.

HaileysMom

@Four_Winds Thank you! My dh said that getting a puppy would give Hailey someone to play with besides me, but it just giving me swine else to keep up with. Trying to figure out what Rex needs like I would a second child. The only way I can take a homer is to let him lie on the floor in the bathroom. If it lets Hailey sleep so I can get ready, then I guess it works.

HaileysMom

@Four_Winds I appreciate your advice. Yes I think I do give in to Hailey. I was letting her break herself from the pacifier, the bottle, the sippy cup, and the rocking. I thought that I was doing the right thing. I don't know why she wants to be rocked again now.

HaileysMom

@Four_Winds she was sleeping on her own just fine. Bedtime is still fine. Nap time isn't so easy. She wants me to read to her and rock her, and then she naps for an hour.

HaileysMom

@Four_Winds the sleeping issue that happens in the morning, as I found out today, is that Rex wakes up Hailey and prefers to be in the bathroom with me. When I let him outside or loose in the house, he wants me so much that he's too loud for Hailey to stay asleep. I'm sorry for any confusion.

guerrillamom

@unforgiven @callieflowers82 I'm with you. Attachment parenting= parenting, as far as I can see. I think it is interesting to call it "attachment parenting" because, if you aren't doing it- what are you doing "non attachment parenting"? "Freestyle" parenting? "i don't give a shit" parenting? Ha! It sort of implies that you are an asshole if you don't do it.

@gingersnap Thanks for the post love! You would be shocked to know that a lot of people thought I was being dead serious. Holy crap. One woman sent me a message that said, "I feel sorry for your kids to have a mother like you." Ha!

Gingersnap

@guerrillamom - I'm wicked lazy, so if someone else has already said it smarter or funnier and I can remember it, I'm going to link it. I'm sorry that you got any flak for that post. I thought it was very funny.