My ex-husband is a crazy ass hole.
  • JenInHeels
    Posts: 116Member

    Hello all! I guess I just want to vent.  My ex-husband cheated and left our marriage about 6 years ago.  Our divorce was final in January of 2007.  The divorce decree stated that I get physical custody of my children and he gets visitation. He is also supposed to pay $500.00 per month in child support and pay for all of their health insurance.  Not once in 5 ½ years has he paid anything and he sees his children about once every 2 or 3 months.  (He is supposed to get every other weekend).  I have never withheld the kids from him.  He is not involved with their daily lives at all.  He doesn’t know the names of their friends or the names of their teachers.  My son is almost 13 and my daughter is almost 10.  About a week ago he went off the deep end and called me up saying that he wants half custody and he’s taking me to court and I need to get a lawyer.  He tried to tell me that Memorial was his weekend and actually showed up at my house with the cops!!!!  The cops talked to my poor kids and talked to me and told my ex-husband to leave – without the kids.  I was told that they are mine and I don’t have to let him see them (even though last weekend wasn’t “his” weekend since he never sees them anyways).  The police told him not to come back.  I tried to meet with him for lunch today to discuss the kids.  I had planned on offering a week or two during summer for him so he could have more time than just alternating weekends and every other holiday school break (ie Thanksgiving and Christmas) but he got mad and told me that he either wants them for the entire summer or half custody year round and he wont settle for less.  I’ve talked to my kids about this and neither of them want our current arrangement (which is seeing him once every 2 months or so) to change.  They are established with their friends in our neighborhood and their routines (they are booked with guitar, dance, gym, etc., on weekends).  I told my ex-husband this and he straight up said “I don’t care what the kids want.  I want them so I can train them.” – WTF!?!? What an ASS HOLE!.

  • MarySunshineMarySunshine
    Posts: 7,953Member
    I have no experience with this or any advice. I can only offer you a huge hug and a "What a fucking douchebag asshole!!" >:D<
    "I don't poop. I create magic."- ABC

    I'm as sexy as a burp mid-kiss. Watch out!

    For every loser there's one that has to win. So bite your tongue, grit your teeth and grin...
  • Twins911Twins911
    Posts: 216Member
    Ooooohhhhh No he didn't!

    Wow!!! I feel for your kids. I don't know why there are parents out there that use their children as pawns to try to manipulate the situation to their benefit… Let him take you to court. He still owes child support, right? He may even get arrested if he's not carful. I don't know in what state you live but they are old enough to choose who they want to live with, and a Judge will take that into consideration along with the LACK OF participation in the children's life by the father. You are the mother of those kiddos and please, I beg you, talk to them in a way that they don't grow up resenting their father. Whatever happens between adults is one thing, but these situations can be devastating for children. No matter how much of a dead beat dad he might be, He's the father. (as long as there is not verbal or physical abuse from his part) They will always love him. 

    Try to remain amicable as possible with your ex for the children's sake. I know its easier said than done, but don't let him get to you. Teach your children that you can remain calm under the stress and that everything will be okay for them. 

    Vent away mamma! We are hear to for you. 
  • JenInHeels
    Posts: 116Member

    You ladies are awesome!  Thanks for backing me up!  Twins911 – I have started to basically tell them everything that is going on – without padding it so that they know the reality of what is going on.  My son is old enough to handle it for sure and would get upset if he wasn’t in the loop 100% and I don’t want my daughter to get blindsided because she doesn’t know what is going on.  It pisses me off that this is the situation they are being put into out of know where.  The one thing that I wont do is call him names or talk “mean” about their dad in front of them.  I figure that they will  have their own opinions of him and those opinions are theirs to formulate – not mine to try to put in their heads.  It is hard.  What I tell them is “I’m sorry guys, dad just wants to see you more and it’s hard for mommy to deal with – give me a minute to calm down.” When I really want to say “Your fucking sperm donor father had a visit from the good dad fairy and he’s a jerk and has no clue how much work it takes to keep you guys happy and he’s going to fuck everything up and he owes you $20 grand each but you’ll never see it from him cause he can’t keep a job.”

  • canadamom
    Posts: 880Member
    Get together any documentation you have concerning the number of times he had them, how much money if anything he paid, your attempts to work with him - emails about visitation that sort of thing.

    For some reason, he has decided he doesn't like the way things are.  Try to stay calm and work out something with him.  Maybe work out a way he can see them more, but that he has to maintain the schedule of activities they are already involved with.   He does have a right to be involved more, but should work his way back in gently to the kids lives.  Point that out to him, that it took time for things to end up the way they are and it will take some time to adjust to a different way. 

    Keep being supportive of his wish to see the kids, but that it has to be on terms that will work for everyone.  Trust me, when you get before the judicial system and tell them you are in agreement that he needs to be more involved but that everything you(and the kids) suggest as compromise he won't agree with - you will come across as the more intelligent, more concerned about the kids and he may find it backfires on him. 

    And hold on, because I bet that someone called him on the carpet about being an absentee dad, so this may be a temporary thing just to impress someone new in his life and may pass on by.
  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,543Member

    I agree with @canadamom that he is trying to impress someone new or someone new has noticed he's a crappy dad and he feels presure to step up his game.  How about he starts paying child support once in a while to step up his game!  I would gladly go back to court against this dirtbag because you will get full custody and you won't have to deal with his crazy ass antics anymore! 

    We would all kick his ass for you if we could! 

  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,761Member
    I have a question, you don't have to answer since it's private.. but just throwing this out there.  Is the child support order being handled by your state Attorney General's office?  Are you or have you been on public assistance (TANF, Medicaid for kids)?

    Just wondering if something might have changed recently, like there has been action taken, threatening letters, suspension of his license, wage garnishment, that sort of thing.  Because our DD's sperm donor ONLY gave a crap about seeing her when the AG's office was up his ass for a payment.  And he is insane  enough to believe that my DW has some sort of magical control over them to "make" them "go after him".  Yeah he is an idiot.  But idiot or not, he managed to kidnap DD when she was 2 and kept her hidden for an entire year while pawning her off on every person he knew, causing us trauma and heartache that I won't go into right now but just be cautious. I am not trying to scare you, just sharing our story with a crazy asshole who could not *think* straight about the situation.

    If it were me, and I had any resources at all, I would strike pre-emptively.  That is, I would take him to court first, for the unpaid child support.  They WILL put him in jail if the judge is worth anything at all.  If you aren't able to take him back to court because you don't have an attorney or don't feel comfortable doing it yourself, then you should, IMO, at the very least, it might help to pester the crap out of the local Attorney General's child support collection office if the case is being handled through them.  If it isn't, you might be able to get them to take it on.

    Here at least (Texas), you have to be crazy vigilant with them to get them to do anything. Provide them with all info you have on him and hound them, the squeaky wheel DOES get the oil, and with repeated phone calls/letters they will usually do *something*, even if it's just writing letters.  

    Does your ex work under the table or something along those lines?  

    Anyway this is just what *I* would probably do.  FWIW.

    "But a lesson must be lived in order to be learned" Ani DiFranco, Manhole
    "Screw you guys! I'm going home." Eric Cartman
  • canadamom
    Posts: 880Member
    Keep the money talk completely seperate from visitation issues.  You look much better in court if you are not using the money issue to be the gatekeeper to seeing the kids.

    But do make sure that if you end up before a judge, that once visitation is dealt with, you do bring up the lack of child support and back pay issues.  Address it as a right of the children to support from both parents, not something that you are doing to punish him or that you deserve.  I wanted to tell my ex where he could put his dam money and that I did not want a fucking cent from him - but the kids didn't deserve that.
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,761Member
    Oh yeah and I agree with the advice to document ANY / all missed visitations.  Get a journal or something and go back and write down every single court ordered visit that he missed and get it all organized.
    "But a lesson must be lived in order to be learned" Ani DiFranco, Manhole
    "Screw you guys! I'm going home." Eric Cartman
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,125Member
    i think the money has everything to do with it, he can't support them and he wants shared custody? they will laugh in his face if he takes u to court. i can't believe they haven't put his ass in jail yet. have u not reported his lack of payment?
    ~slim shady~
  • JenInHeels
    Posts: 116Member

    Hey girls!  Sorry I haven’t had computer access for the past few days – mine got sick and I had to take it to the doctor.  =)

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    Anyhow, to get back to a few of you with questions:


    Charolette & Canadamom & shadylane - I have the child support order of $500.00 per month – the case closed over 4 years ago when they couldn’t find him (this was while things were still new and the divorce was still pending) – I haven’t since decided that I don’t need or want his money.  I did the single mom thing for nearly 5 years and my kids always had food and clothes and did extra activities.  I got re-married 2 years ago and my husband covers the kids insurance.  We are not on any kind of assistance.  I could USE his money to help put towards kids stuff but I don’t NEED his money.   The problem I am facing is that if I demand the child support and take it from him, through the DA or otherwise, he is going to turn into an even BIGGER jerk and hopefully not be mean to the kids (or try to get them more often) he will feel like something is owed to him you know?  Those are my kids.  I have been raising them and paying for them and loving them since my son was 5 and my daughter was 2.  They are now 10 and 13.  But on the flip side, (I did the math) and if I get the support monthly and all the back support – my son will get $30,000.00 and my daughter will get $39,000.00 when they turn 18.  That’s a huge chunk of money. ( I may just put it into a trust that won’t release it until they are 25 so they can be smart with it. ) – but how much money is enough to put up with a mad and angry dad?   I love the journal idea!  I was keeping thinks on computer documents but I will be LOST if it doesn’t back up and deletes.


    The update from my last angry post is that I let him take the kids last weekend.  We met at the police station at 5:00 and then the whole weekend he went to work and left the kids with his girlfriend or his brother.  I think he spent about ½ of a day with them.  My daughter texted me three times at 9:45 Saturday night to go home cause she was bored.  I got the kids back Sunday at 5:00 and that’s what’s happened since then.  I’m not sure where this is going to go but I am going to watch it and document everything!!!!!!!!

  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 9,474Member
    My ex sees my son on xmas and birthdays and fathersday and all summer i have his wages garnished for child support.. He will send me a.personal check but i dont take rubber if you get my drift...
    let them eat cake! because id rather have pie!!!
  • AnonUser33
    Posts: 686Guest

    I have not had to deal with any of this but I want to hug you.

    One thing I learned in dealing with BS with my kids school is follow up every conversation with an email. Just say "Hey I want to confirm with you the agreement or arrangements we made today on the phone" and then lay them out. Keep a file of all these things. They have a date and a time on them and can be used as evidence if you ever have to go to court. Also save any email you get from him in return.

  • AnonUser33
    Posts: 686Guest
    Also email him and say "are you taking the kids this weekend" or "hey what happened, the kids were looking forward to your visit"
  • mouthlikeatrucker
    Posts: 6Member
    Do some research on the laws in your state - the courts rarely modify visitation agreements merely because some ASS decides he all of a sudden wants to be a dad. I would say call his bluff - get in touch with a family court mediator or clerk and find out at what age your kids get to choose if they continue visitation. Lastly, I would never underestimate the crazy that a man-scorned can unleash- document document document - especially anything inappropriate he is saying to your children!!
  • SaraSara
    Posts: 1,064Member
    @Jeninheels, I kinda got stuck at the "I want them so I can train them" part. Train them? WTH does that mean? Does he think of them as dogs? He doesn't care what they want, does he realize that they have their own lives and their own plans and he acts like a seagull? Flies by and shit on everything when he feels like it. I am sorry for your children and for you. The advice above it good, document everything. And I might ask him what he is planning to train them for...
    Think of your problems as challenges to overcome not obstacles to be avoided.