Well that's the thing, they have to be completely transparent from the point of you finding out till forever.  They have to earn your trust and you have to have solid limits so they can't walk all over you.  You also can't bring it up and throw it in their face every single time you get into a fight.  Counseling works best.  The catholic church offers free counseling or you can pay what you can afford.  They have something called Retrouvaille that couples can attend to get past big issues.   It saved my parents marriage because my dad cheated after 30 years of faithful marriage with his boss.  He had an afair for almost 4 years (sexual and emotional) and they are getting through it.  You don't have to be catholic to attend.  If he's worth it, I would check out this program! 

He said he would do counseling, but just can't seem to get around to it. And we aren't married. We were engaged two years ago, but I can't bring myself to marry him.

I agree with @unforgiven, do the counseling. By yourself if he won't go or won't make time for it. I started seeing a counselor before my marriage ended and it was great. He helped me see that I didn't deserve to be treated like I was being treated.

You don't deserve to be treated badly either. If you can, try the counseling, alone or with him, it will help you.

My XH was a cheater. I put up with it for a long time but I never really ever forgave him. I was terrified to leave but it was the best decision I ever made. Just ask yourself if the relationship is worth saving. You can move on and you can do better.

That's easy for you all to say, I've morphed into a jerk too. I dunno if I remember how to be kind to a partner, I certainly don't waste being nice on him. Thank you though, how do I go about finding a counselor or therapist? He has some of the best insurance in the state, I have none. That could be a problem.... I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for.

Trust me, most men are just happy to be in the same room with a naked woman that they won't give a damn that you have stretch marks.

I just found out myself that I'm married to a repeat offender (just caught him for the 2nd time a few nights ago). I know just how you feel. I am so sorry. We tried counseling the first time, too and it obviously didn't do much good. I'm really at a loss as to advice (since I came here for my own, as well) but I want you to know you're not alone.

The best advice I have is that it's important to go to your gyn (or a free clinic) and get tested. That's what I did the first time, and it took one small weight off my shoulders.

At the beginning of my marriage there was some flirting/talking to/passes at friends tht happened on his part. We didn't do counseling but I did make him leave for a couple of months, but we were still sleeping together and I got pregnant (after 3 years of fertility treatment to get pg the first time), so for the kids, yes, I let him come back. Yes I was so scared of raising 2 kids on my own. Not even money wise, cuz I made enough to support us. So eventually yes we moved past it, after a couple of years but I will say he is very open now, re: who he is talking to, where he is going. In fact he rarely goes out now, every weekend we are together all weekend. His choice not my orders lol. As an observation, I think small babies really stressed him out, he enjoys family time so much more now that the kids are older, verbal, and potty trained. Some men just can't deal with babies and how they take all of our attentions, so they find other "distractions" in life.

I have not gotten over it and it has been 3 years.  Each year it seems to get less and less but about the anniversary of when it happened (Mothers day to Mid June) I start to become less stable and memories hit me and I tend to be a mess. 

I almost left when I found out,  I knew it was happening but I sugar coated it and pretended it wasnt. Her family CAME to my house to let me know, She was such a whore that I was NOT the only family they informed that day as well. He told he would change and work it out. It took 2 months before I decided to stay but I still told him that I will make my final decision when we are debt free. 

I love him but deep in my mind distrust pops up. It creeps up like the fog and leave just as fast.  I know my relationship with my husband has some what strengthen but I no longer wear my "its perfect" glasses and tend to call him on his faults.  I even push the envelope to make sure that he doesnt want to leave.  He even knows I have an "escape acct" in my name. 

I wish you luck no matter what you decide to do. But each road is hard.

Thanks ladies. I guess I'll continue to take it day by day... If he didn't keep giving me reasons to doubt him it might be easier to forget. I honestly doubt I'm ever getting over it really. I'm just exhausted, in the sense that starting over seems overwhelming. And it isn't just about me, my DS is 3, DD is 10m. I have no way to support them on my own.

I think that once the trust is broken its over. There is no relationship without trust. You can love someone and not trust them. I caught my Dh in a huge lie 3 weeks before our wedding. It still years later has a negative effect on our relationship. I constantly doubt him and feel like he's lying. I regret marrying a man I truly do not trust. His lie was minor compared to an affair and I'm so sorry you have been hurt like that. Couples therapy is always an option if he is willing to get help. Good luck

MommyFace said:

Thats another thing, I have kids now, and a "mom" body with stretch marks and c-section scars. I'm not very comfortable with myself. :(. DS3 was 4weeks old when I found out the first time, I guess I just don't really feel that I could do better. :-/. And what if its much much worse. I guess since I feel like I'm going to hafto settle anyway, may as well settle on an evil I'm already aware of than being unpleasantly surprised again.

If this is the "worst" thing about you, then you are in pretty good shape.  You can do better without settling.  I don't know what taking care of a newborn entails, but I do know that it is chaotic and if he had time to cheat on you while having a month old newborn at home, then he was obviously not fulfilling his parenting duties.  Do you really want to be with a man that would blow off his family for a piece of ass? 

I agree with the other ladies that suggested counseling.  If anything, I hope that if you decide to go (alone or with him) you gain the self esteem and insight you need to make the best decision for you and your family.  Don't base your decision on poor body image and settling.  Trust me, if you are going to settle there are better men out there.  Don't settle for a man that will jeopardize a wonderful relationship and family for women low enough to involve themselves with a man in a relationship. Good luck with whatever you decide. 

@mommyface,

I have been cheated on by a repeat offender. We were together for nearly six years, he was the only "father" my son knew from 6mo to 6yrs. (he was also a recovering alcoholic/addict who would relapse every now and then, and each time would cheat) it was devastating. I lost trust in him but loved him. I kept giving him chance after chance and he kept proving to me he could not be faithful. He even begged (!) me to marry him at one point. I was afraid to leave because of my son being attached to him. We tried counseling, and that did not work. I finally couldn't take it anymore when he cheated the last time. It was super hard and sucked adjusting (ESP for my son). But totally worth it! I ended up meeting my husband who I have complete trust and respect for. It makes a world of difference for my sanity/happiness.

My advice: you are not married, you're kids are young, YOU'RE young and trust me, guys can look past you not having that perfect body (mine did), leave his ass!! You deserve SO much more!!

I never forgave or got over the Xh cheating.