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Newly "single" mother
  • MommyCharm
    Posts: 13Member
    We discussed this months ago, but now I am having regrets. Two and a half weeks into my DHs leaving for BCT in the military, I am losing my f@#^ing mind with our four year old dd! 
    Before he left, I had all these plans of how we were going to have the easy life--no more irritating nagging from DH, no more arguments with him, no more drama. Life would be easy--I could put our dd on the schedule that  I wanted. We could go to the park and play without incessant questioning. We could spend all day window shopping if we pleased! I would be able to lose the weight in two days, because, without him around, I would have more energy and free time! Oh, how wrong I was! Not only has nothing been accomplished since he left, there's also an enormous new burden on me--tending to our mischievous child on my own! Shopping with her is nearly impossible--as she feels the need to squeal and scream if anyone-gasp--anyone in the checkout line looks at her! And to make matters worse, after a year of denial, I am faced with the possibility of her maybe having a cognitive disorder! 
        SO, here I am, not even a month into being a supermom, and my nightly ritual includes chain smoking (a horrible bad habit from high school which I recently started back up), and drowning my stress in alcohol. (All after she has finally gone to bed for the night, of course) Anyway, I feel like a craptastic mother, and don't see any relief in sight. (Especially since none of our immediate family knows that he is gone! No one to lean on for support, at all!) She has an appointment scheduled to check her for any developmental issues, and I am biting my nails waiting to see what is going on. For a four year old, she does listen pretty well, but only when I scream my head off or talk to her in the most sinister voice ever ( I think it scares the crap out of her, which makes me feel even worse). But the squealing, lack of communication skills, and refusal to sit still for a fraction of a second, even during meals, is nerve wrecking. And it sucks, because we had planned on starting on a second child when he gets back. Not to sure about that one now. My hats off to mothers of multiples. I just may pull all of my hair out before he comes home! 
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,149Member
    o.k., honey, first of all, a lot of what's happening is normal...she misses her daddy, for one, and she's had a major upheaval in her life for two.

    Getting one on a schedule that never existed to begin with is going to take  some time and patience, so you need to take a VERY DEEP breath!

    Why doesn't your families know he's gone?  If they're close, lean on them right now...you not only need the "village," it sounds like you need a little "mommy time."

    Believe me, I TOTALLY understand your entire second paragraph:  I can do this alone, I don't need any help, etc.  I was also delusional!

    Stop drinking, though.  You need to think about what if something happens to either of you and you're drunk?  I can believe the smoking...I quit a long time ago, and then not long after I had dd, started again.  I could never understand how a woman could quit smoking her entire pregnancy, only to start up again after the baby was born.  I do now.

    We're here for you to vent to, and maybe there's another SM who lives close to you?  And you NEED to tell your families!!!

    Big hugs, hon.
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • MommyCharm
    Posts: 13Member
    Thanks!!! :)  I know!!! I quit smoking when I was pregnant, and didn't smoke for the first three years of her life. I blame the new stress! ( I have hidden my bank card from myself so I don't have the $ to buy any--we'll see if that works!) He is not as close to his family--hasn't talked to any of them since right after our dd was born. I have considered telling my family, especially since both of my parents were in the military and I was a military brat for the first few years of my life. However, they ended in a swift divorce, so I guess I would take their advice with a grain of salt! 

    I think I will feel better after her appointment--at least if I know if something is wrong, I can start to figure out how to deal with it. Not knowing is the worst feeling in the world! I know she is intelligent enough to understand what she wants, but can't figure out how to make me understand what she wants! Thanks again for the support! I will visit this site often now that I have come out of DelusionLand. My dd is, as I type, attempting to wedge her body inside of the refrigerator, as she is playing hide and seek with herself. I definitely appreciate the support!
  • MommyCharm
    Posts: 13Member
    Another thing--I've had trouble explaining to her where Daddy is. She didn't seem to grasp the concept at first--as she kept running from room to room looking for him. Now, she stopped doing that, and I worry that she is "forgetting" him, as my mother said that I did with my father when he was deployed. To combat that, I have tried to help her write him a letter everyday, and watched videos of him from previous birthday parties. Idk what else I can do
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,699Confessional Manager
    She will NOT forget him I promise. You will get used to this alone thing. In a month you'll be a pro! Give yourself some more time it's a big adjustment!

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,149Member
    does he have a way to webcam?  i know boot camp rules are strict, but that might help, also when he can talk to her on the phone.
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • stinkersmommystinkersmommy
    Posts: 1,322Member
    As a "single mom" for 4weeks at a time of a very strong willed 4 yr son. I can offer you this bit of advice my son cycles with my dh schedule the first week he is a pissy impossible brat because he misses his Daddy then the next 2 weeks are really fun and we fall into a nice lil groove then the last week he is sooooooooo done with mom and ready for dad to come home then dad is home for two weeks then rinse and repeat. I go with his moods if he is in brat mode we normally dont leave the house with the exception of the backyard. We try at least one outing a week if he is behaving soley for him (movies library ice cream) and I honestly don't force Daddy on him unless he asks which is abt once a day and don't worry they don't forget Daddy they just get busy with their lil worlds. As far as a schedule we don't have a rigid one cuz I am sorta a free range parent with the exception of bedtime. Just breathe Momma and try to let her lead a lil bit cuz I learned that if I adapt to the mood of the day we normally have a better day.
    Glitter Words
    [Glitterfy.com - *Glitter Words*]
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,561Member
    I'm a single mom of three, ages 9, 7, & 4. I totally understand where you're coming from. It's hard! There are days when I'm emotionally exhausted and think "I just can't DO this by myself!" There are days when I demand the kids help me (even if helping is only not fighting). There are days when I they see me cry.

    But there are more days when I realize I AM doing it. And that my kids are awesome in spite of it and me. And those days make up for the other ones.

    Give yourself and your dd some time to adjust, hon. And talk to your parents. You don't have to ask them for parenting advice or marriage advice, but it's so good knowing that you're not alone in the world. I don't know if you live close to them, but maybe you can at least get shopping alone time. For the record, shopping with ANY four year old is nearly impossible!

    Take a few days to relax a little with your dd, then start implementing routines in slowly. The more stressed out you are, the more stressed out she's going to be. Remember, you do not have to be perfect.
    deus ex machina
  • ZidashaZidasha
    Posts: 830Member
    Flashbacks coming on.  Only I had left my Xh had a 4 y.o., newborn and going to school full time.  I completely understand the chain smoking and drinking after kids go to bed.  It was a HUGE stress reliever after dealing with my then 4 y.o. who became very unruly after his father was physically out of the picture.

    The only advice I can offer is let your family know Dh is gone.  If they're close enough to you they might be able to take her for a night or two to give you a break or even friends to babysit for a bit.  I moved back with my family which helped a lot.  My parents would take the boys sometimes so I could either go out or just have a night to myself at home.

    Based on my experience with Ds, if she didn't start acting up till after Dh left she's probably confused and such and she's testing her limits if Dh was the one to make the rules and the discipline.  Now he's gone she wants to see what she can get away with.(Xh was the rule maker and the one to discipline Ds7)

    Maybe try talking to her and asking her what's wrong, show her pictures of Dh.  Another thing to try is trying to find other parents who are around your area that have spouses or SO in the military and try to join a support group or something.  

    Good luck to you and big hugs!  
    >:D<
    "I have a theory that placenta is brain matter I push out, so with each child I get dumber and dumber." ~ Unknown

  • AnonUser30
    Posts: 1,916Guest
    @handtowellady
  • MommyCharm
    Posts: 13Member
    OMG!!! Thank you all soooo much for the help! I am attempting to "start over" with today as the beginning--no smoking or drinking, and NO OVER-STRESSING! I will attempt to let her relax a bit and play some fun games with her since its a rainy day. Bought her some "spitting" ducks for bathtime two days ago, and she fell in love with them, as they follow her EVERYWHERE! Maybe we'll make a game out of them. Thanks again! Today will definitely be a good day, no matter what. (S/N, family lives a state over, and I don't really have to many friends nearby. They do visit occasionally, so maybe telling them would keep me from going crazy!) 8-}
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