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Disrespectful ds, at wit's end
  • bluebird555
    Posts: 28Member
    Hi everyone, I'm new here, hope this is posted in the right place.

    I'm having major issues with my 12 year old. I have two kids, one older teen who ran away from my ex one weekend a year ago (he accused my ex of abusing him, took off and has been in care with cfs ever since. He's reached out recently, mostly to my ex, which I'm also having trouble dealing with.) I went through a messy split three years ago, ex walked out on me, left me with all the bills, debt, kids, and me with no job. It was the third time he's done that, he'd leave, let me clean up the finances, and then come back (he has money issues, lots of missing funds from the bank account, and cheated on me a lot). All kind of issues there. I'm still fighting to get my divorce (he's dragging it out), and I've been through hell and back, but things were looking up... so I thought.

    Two years ago I met an amazing man, and we have a very good relationship. Everything's great, we should be moving forward, except my 12 year old is screwing things up for me (I should get this out of the way right away, my boyfriend has not been alone with the kid except to take him to a movie, so there is definitely nothing funny going on there). Now I should say, I'm getting major attitude from the kid, I guess it's the age, but he is sooo disrespectful to my boyfriend, and I feel so bad for him because he has tried so hard to get the kid to like him, but he's been up against a brick wall since the beginning. For example, my son had a band concert tonight, boyfriend went with me to watch (did my ex show up? No!), and when my boyfriend said hi to the kid after the show, he rolled his eyes at him and walked away. I know this is classic step-parenting stuff, but that doesn't make it any easier to handle. I'm sure my ex is filling the kid's head with all kind of crap, he's a horrible vindictive person, but I can't control what goes on between them, and I don't pry because the kid worships the ground his dad walks on, and they've closed ranks on me. All I can do is act like an adult and hope my kid some day sees through his dad's horrible character, but that doesn't help me now. I NEVER say anything bad about my ex in front of the kids. I'm worried my ex is tearing down my boyfriend behind my back, and all this stems from that.

    I just don't know what to do any more. I've sat down with the kid and talked about his his attitude in general (he's rude to me, his grandparents, his uncle...). I've sat down with him and explained to him how important my relationship is, and that he should make an effort on my behalf. I've tried talking to him about what's going on in his life. the thing is, every time I bring up ANY of this, he bursts into tears. I understand that at 12 he's not very mature yet, but he does have to understand he's accountable for his actions. But he literally dissolves into tears no matter how I bring this up, so obviously I've hit a nerve there.

    The thing that is frustrating me is things could be so good, for all of us. My boyfriend is a really nice guy, he treats my kid better than his own dad does. It sounds sad, but I think his feelings are hurt, and I think he's pretty close to giving up on the kid. And I don't understand why the kid is siding so strongly with his dad. He's a cheap, petty man who constantly breaks his promises, yet the kid worships the ground he walks on. We can't compete - he does nothing but play video games with his dad two days solid on the weekends. My ex has a video game addiction, so of course it's like two 12 year olds having fun together, and there is no parenting involved because all they do is play games and eat junk, so of course the kid loves being with his dad.

    I'm not asking my son to love this guy, and I've sat down with him to talk about how he will never replace his dad, I just want him to show the guy common courtesy. Anyway, if anyone has any advice for me if they've gone through this, I'd be grateful. I know there's not much I can do, but insead of moving on with my life, I feel like my life is stalled, and my boyfriend is losing patience with the whole situation. And honestly, with the crap I've been through over the past 15 years, I no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just want a little bit of stability and happiness in my life again.


  • AloneOverseasAloneOverseas
    Posts: 2,240Member
    Any possibility of counselling for your son? He might feel more comfortable to share his feelings with an outside party. I imagine he feels somewhat threatened by the change in family structure and just hasn't learned to work it through yet. And kids will always worship their parents at that age. When he is older he will realize the truth, but at 12, not yet.

    Maybe also plan some time with just the two of you, no BF. He needs your undivided attention for a bit so he knows he hasn't lost you as well as his dad and brother. It may be a hard road, but with time and perseverance, it will be worth it. But again, counselling.
    I love purple; I love cats. Imagine if cats were purple ...
  • bluebird555
    Posts: 28Member
    Thanks, I need couselling myself too for a lot of issues, obviously. It might be good to have this conversation in a structured environment.

    Actually, he hardly ever sees my bf any more. We used to try to do something together once a week, now its more like once a month, or in passing on the weekend. Kid's gone to his dad's every weekend, and he and I are alone together all week. I do try to do a lot of stuff with the kid, for example we go for a walk together every night.

  • bluebird555
    Posts: 28Member
    Actually, we've all been through hell and back over the last three years. My older son turned to drugs and just up and left. I know my younger son is pretty traumatized after both his dad and his brother did this. But why would he not accept my bf? Maybe he's scared if he lets his guard down he'll be disappointed by one more person in his life?


  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • ChristyJChristyJ
    Posts: 883Member
    I don't have any teenagers in my house, but could some of it stem from puberty?  It is that time.
    Imperfect and proud of it.
  • bluebird555
    Posts: 28Member
    MammTee, I think this is classic step-family behavior. I just don't know how to deal with it!! Christy, it's been like this for two years, ever since he met the man. I guess a little bit is hormones, if this gets worse I don't know what I'm going to do...


  • TurthipoTurthipo
    Posts: 340Member
    It sucks big fuzzy balls, I've been there (ish) and its just plain unfun. My bff's DH is having the same issue with her 11y.o. son
    I had some similar issues with my (now) dsd15 (over the past 5 yrs) ... Really, all I can recommend is love, lots of it, and just don't give up. Some of these critters can be hard to crack, but it is worth it when it does happen.
    Big hugs to you all, msg me if you need to rant.
  • etherieletheriel
    Posts: 715Member
    I'm going through this same issue now with DD14. My younger kids love my fiance, but the oldest is just being disrespectful and closed off towards him. I don't really have any suggestions. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this. >:D<
    If I'm not supposed to do it, how come I can?
  • bluebird555
    Posts: 28Member
    Thank you etheriel. I know it's a common problem, I hope your fiance is handling it well. I'm going to talk to my son tonight before bed... again. What's sad is my son's friend got all excited when she saw my bf tonight and gave him a huge smile and a hi! Sigh.

  • bluebird555
    Posts: 28Member
    Thanks Turthipo. I can only speak for my behavior, but my bf is getting really discouraged, and I don't know how to encourage him. I guess he's looking at moving into a household where one member treats him with total disrespect - I can see how that would discourage him. I don't expect my son to be all lovey-dovey, just say hi when he sees him, and act toward him with courtesy instead of being outright rude.



  • bluebird555
    Posts: 28Member
    I really need to rant, badly. LOL. My ex treated me horribly. But for my own part, I took him back three times, which ultimately caused a lot of chaos for my kids. I suppose they are both pretty confused, and it's a lot my fault. At least I finally wised up!
  • AnonUser26
    Posts: 1,144Guest
    Look up my old threads, doll, especially about my response thread to my daughters friend request on facebook. Some of my other responses/threads as well. If you want to chat, pm me
  • bluebird555
    Posts: 28Member
    Oh, thanks FinallyFree!

    I did talk to the boy last night. I know there are all kinds of issues here, but the kid does have to be held accountable to a certain standard of behavior. I told him he doesn't have to like my bf, but he does have to at least extend him common courtesy, like saying hello instead of rolling his eyes at him when he sees him. I did mention he should have thanked him for coming - just a simple, "hi, thanks for coming", but I would have been happy with a simple hello. (we're having issues with the thank yous and politeness anyway - he was particularly rude at my parents at Christmas, acting like he couldn't wait to get out of there.) Predictably, he burst into tears immediately. I felt like adding "did you notice your rat-bad dad didn't bother to show up???" but I refrained. Sigh.

  • bluebird555
    Posts: 28Member
    FinallyFree, I can't figure out how to pm you. LOL site, newby. But I looked up your older posts and I CAN TOTALLY RELATE. I just posted about my older kid, your situation struck a nerve.

  • beambeam
    Posts: 1,070Member
    Sounds like there are a lot of issues there, so counseling should be a must. Just wanted to say that it (probably) has absolutely nothing to due with your bf (and whether he is nice or not) but everything to do with his own feelings about all of it - he'll need to work through these.
    "Magic things are fond of deceptions.” ― Tom Robbins
  • AloneOverseasAloneOverseas
    Posts: 2,240Member
    Is it possible, since you said he cries each time the subject is brought up, that his tears are 'fake'? Crocodile tears? Using it as a way of avoiding the talk, avoiding responsibility? He knows if he cries you will back off and he can keep doing what he's doing? Just a thought ...
    I love purple; I love cats. Imagine if cats were purple ...
  • bluebird555
    Posts: 28Member
    Beam, I'm positive it's not about the bf. Definitely other issues at work. Alone, I've been told that before. I am a pretty easily manipulated person (one of the reasons I appreciate my current bf so much, he won't play mind games with me), and I'm pretty sure both my kids have figured that out. I have been told by other people the kid may be playing me. It's funny, because the kid never ever cries, he hasn't cried about a skinned knee or anything else in years, just when I bring this issue up!

  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,094Member
    My DS 12 has been doing disrespectful thing lately too. With him it is toward my dad and mom and sometimes me and XH. It is drining me ~X( ! Then he does the crying bit sometimes when I call him out on it. ~X( He cries when he doesn't get his way. I have told him crying will not get what you want and your still in trouble for your behavior. It has to get easier soon right ?
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • lj41120
    Posts: 27Member

    i havent read all the comments, but i have been through this with my own kids and my ss. my advice is to sit down with son and boyfriend. tell your son that you would really like for him to listen to what your boyfriend has to say. your should tell your son first how he feels about you, and how he would love to be partof the family with his approval because not only does he care for and love you but your son as well. and that he doesnt want to replace his father, but would love to be a friend to him, or what ever neds him to be.

    i am pretty sure all the disrespect comes from his anger with his bio dad, and is taking out on you guys bc he knows ya'll will be there no matter what, including your boyfriend. and pubrty prob plays some roll in too.

    my son is not 12 yet but has been havig this issue for 2 yrs now, it has calmed down and isnt as frequent but still has his momments. i have been able to have this convo with him and i have asked him why he makes the choice to treat us that way, he cn talk to us about anything whether its face to face or in letter or journal. it has helped, he chose to start out writing, and realized we took in everything he had to say and didnt judge him for his feelings. so he now can talk to us about things better. he does cry, i will ask him what about this situation makes you cry, most of the time it is bc he really didnt mean to hurt us he just oesnt how to deal with how he feels. this could be the case with your son as well.

    so in my oppinion, he behavior towards you boyfriend has nothing to do with him not likeing him. it prob has more to do with that he wishes his dad would be there and do the things that your boyfriend does, and he he prob seems like everything is great with dad bc he is afraid if he says or acts any other way dad will walk out on him too. (my son has said those words to me too) so , boyfriend,please have more patience or at east for a while longer, this will prob last a couple more yrs but get better on the way. keep on showing up for the son he WILL come around and appriciate you more for sticking around and loving hs mom through this. and mom, hang in there. i know its hard, but keep assuring son that YOU are there for him no matter what, even it it gets to the point you dont think you take it anymore. he is at the age where he really needs his dad, and his dad isnt there the way he should be.

    as far as you thinking your ex is influencing your son, you prob are correct. if he is it will come out in due time. my ex did that with my kids too, and it back fired. my kids addore my new husband more than their own father. they caught on quick that when they went to fathers house he would talk bad about e and my now husband, but i  never once said anything bad about my ex and i was the one done wrng. they have more respect for my ow hubby, call him daddy, and the bio dad "the other dad", lol.

    the splitting situation with my ex is a lot like yours, took money, had multiple affairs (last one got preg), and a pile of debt. seperated, filled for divorce, he dragged it out. after 2 yrs had a court date, he didnt show bc he didnt want divorce judge granted it anyway.  there is so much more  would like to say to help especilly if you have any questions. you msg me on here or in ths stran mention it and i will give my personal email.

    good luck, you and your boyfriend hang in there. with him treating your boyfriend the way he does is because he actually likes him and he is afraid he shows that his dad will be mad. hope i have helped. god bless!

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