Why is it always the woman's job to make a relationship work?
  • Ms_JAQ
    Posts: 109Member


    I read an interesting article today that one
    made me think, but also echoed what I've been saying/ thinking for years
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/masculinity_b_1605005.html<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />



    Just about every woman’s magazine on the
    planet is filled with articles about how to communicate better with your man,
    how to be a better girlfriend, what he means when he says or does something.
    Blah, blah, blah. But if you look at men’s magazines - even the more reputable
    ones - I doubt they even have one page of 'relationship advice' and if they do
    it's more along the lines of good pick-up lines, first date ideas, and things
    you can buy her to make her happy.
    Why is it always the women's job to
    compromise, fix, adapt and basically turn herself inside out to make a
    relationship work? Is it because we care more? Personally I'm sick of being in
    relationships where I feel like my needs are a burden and he'd rather be
    single.
    Present wisdom says that men are literal
    creatures, they say what they mean, they don't play games, read between the
    lines or do things they don't want to do. We're told that if a man is asking
    you out and telling you he wants you around it's because he does. And on the
    flip side that if he's not chasing you then its cause he's not interested and
    us women folk shouldn't read into things or make excuses for them. So doesn't
    it also stand to reason that if he's not saying 'I love you' or 'I'm sorry'
    it's because he just doesn’t want to - not because he can't.

  • MistressHeidiMistressHeidi
    Posts: 984Member
    I've often wondered this myself. I've also often wondered why so many womans magazines  feel the need to have a million articles on how to please your man and mens magazines seldom have ones about how to please your woman. I guess men are just naturally awesome in bed!

    I think a lot of this has more to do with how men are raised. A lot of men are taught from a young age that emotions are a sign of weakness. If you can't show emotions how are you going to be able to talk about them? So fixing the relationship gets thrown back on the woman, who is able to show emotion.

    My xh could not say he was sorry. Not for any reason, not even if he accidently stepped on my toe while walking by. Every problem we ever had in our relationship was always my fault. Rather then apologize, he would take whatever had happened and turn it around to show how it was my fault that it happened in the first place and that really I should be apologizing to him. Rather extreme example I realize, but that's how my xfil is. It was how my husband was raised, it was what he saw in his day to day life, so that's how he was.
  • SomeDude
    Posts: 191Member
    I don't think women's magazines include these articles because it's actually the woman's job; I think they include these articles because women think it's their job. Remember, the magazines aren't actually in business to be helpful but simply to sell magazines.

    I heard one comic joke about how all women's magazines tended to revolve around the theme, "Men Suck: Here's how to get yours!"
  • SomeDude
    Posts: 191Member
    And, yes, to the larger point; men are taught that, if something is bothering them, either suck it up or fix the problem. (And by "men," I probably really mean "me.") Demanding help or accommodation from someone else was weak or, at least, impolite.
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member
    The content of women's magazines is dictated by advertisers. They want their products placed next to an article about sex or fashion or whatever, and they won't take out an ad unless they get that. So I don't think we should look at the content of women's magazines as being representative of what women think, necessarily, so much as what advertisers want them to think. If you make a woman feel insecure about her relationship, you can sell her all kinds of shit to help her feel more (indirectly) secure, like sexy lingerie and makeup and hair products and whatever else.
    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • nessamommynessamommy
    Posts: 666Member
    My dh is one of those manly yet sensitive guys most women desperately seek.  I love him, and he is my soul mate. However, I do not feel like talking through our problems every time. I get tired of hearing about "our relationship issues". Yes, I know we have them. If dh would give me just 20 minutes of alone time without him and the kids every day, I would really enjoy talking to him about our issues. I am just stressed, and don't feel like having him completely over analyze every action I take and whether or not he caused it.
    I think our relationship is backwards. He was raised by a single mother who beat it into his head to work things out every time. I was raised by a strong woman who put importance on having a strong will. I think it is definitely how people are raised to view relationships.
    If life gives you lemons, squirt lemon juice in life's eye!
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,125Member
    that's why i stopped reading women's magazines, they are garbage. its all about how to get and keep a man, never about setting high standards and what men should be doing to get and keep us. glamour is the only one that's slightly realistic, it does have good encouraging articles about life apart from sex and pleasing ur man.
    ~slim shady~
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 4,370Member
    shadylane said:

    that's why i stopped reading women's magazines, they are garbage. its all about how to get and keep a man, never about setting high standards and what men should be doing to get and keep us. glamour is the only one that's slightly realistic, it does have good encouraging articles about life apart from sex and pleasing ur man.



    Word.

    I read Cosmo back in the day when I thought it made me look sophisticated and sexy to do so. Now if I read one of those articles I usually end up laughing (who spends that much time making up impossible sex positions anyway) and tossing it aside.

    I think women have been conditioned to believe that because we tend to be more sensitive and, well, maternal, that it should fall on us to attend to emotional needs for our spouses without giving a second thought to ourselves and the effect being a relationship handyman has on us. DH still doesn't really like to talk about our problems, not in depth anyway. @Lucy, I'm with you. If I don't make a huge fuss over something, he doesn't believe it's a problem. I wish with all my heart that the things I say would be noted the first time instead of being shrugged off until I'm at my wit's end.

    I'm trying to raise my girls to take care of themselves. My hope for them is that they are secure enough to feel the way they feel, and if someone has a problem with it, then they can address the situation in a mature way or they can go to hell...either way is okay. Women are not here for the sole purpose of pleasing our men at the expense of our own dignity and emotions. We are equally as important, and if a man makes you feel like less than him, then he's not the one for you.
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • MorganD
    Posts: 3,436Member
    If it weren't for me trying so hard all the time, our relationship would have fallen apart ages ago! Thank God for women or the human race would have died out already.
  • Rawrchu
    Posts: 516Member
    Here's what I don't get:  My SO and I went to counseling and I was told that my statements are too direct and therefore come out as harsh.  Huh?  I thought men wanted us to be direct and to the point without all the emotion and pussy footing around. At first I laughed about it because I know I'm direct - I've been a single mom for nearly 18 years and I'm a teacher. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.  ;)  So if men want us to be direct and to the point, why am I needing to reword my statements so that they are gentler?  I'm not bossy or demanding and I listen to all sides, but I am DIRECT and now I find out that's a problem. Soooo confusing!  So instead of saying, "We need to blah blah blah"  I need to say, "I think we should blah blah blah because blah blah blah." No, I don't THINK we should, I know we NEED to! LOL  
  • SomeDude
    Posts: 191Member
    I have no idea how you say things, but it's entirely possible to be direct without being rude.
  • DemandaDemanda
    Posts: 5,920Member
    Meh.  If it wasn't for my BF's efforts, I'd be single.
    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." ~ Gloria SteinemPhotobucket
  • MorganD
    Posts: 3,436Member
    SomeDude said:

    I have no idea how you say things, but it's entirely possible to be direct without being rude.



    That's true, but it isn't always possible to get a guy to listen without being rude. My three little boys are perfect examples.
  • LilbitLilbit
    Posts: 1,887Member
    @nessamommy Im in the same boat, he does nt know how to just leave me be.
  • TurthipoTurthipo
    Posts: 340Member
    I am sure that is DH ever said sorry he would explode .... Never, EVER in our relationship, no matter how shitty/nasty the fight has he said sorry.
    Today he snapped at me because I asked him to walk 2 blocks to pick something up after work (it would have meant I had to drive clear across town to pick it up, no biggy but he's off work before.me and its right there).
    And then tonight when I told dd2 no, she started wailing ... His response, "oh good, now we can't hear he tv"
    I asked what his problem was,.and was told I've been a bitch for 3 days and he doesn't have a problem its me. *sigh* its ALWAYS me

    Guys suck. Plain & simple....
  • lifeisgood
    Posts: 481Member
    My guys idea of working it out is to not speak for a few days and then when HE"S done being annoyed the disagreement is over.  He does occasionally say he's sorry....but sometimes it's too little too late.  We are currently not speaking and I'm not making the first move to fix it this time. He's explained he has trouble communicating when he's angry so he just doesn't speak at all..even though I've explained I interpret dead silence to mean 'I'm distancing and it's over'. (because that's what I do)  He's got until Friday ..then he's deleted from my phone.  
  • MarySunshineMarySunshine
    Posts: 7,953Member
    Ok.
    1. Most womens magazines proclaiming to help with relationships are full of shit and tell you (the collective you) what you want to hear. They want your money.
    2. Men's magazines are the same for men. They want their money.
    3. Mine might be the exception, but DH has never had a problem communicating his needs, concerns and desires in our relationship (I'm excluding the HS and early college years...we all had hormones, puberty and youth working aganst us). If anyone has an issue it's me...mostly gas lighting myself.
    4. I'm sorry if your relationship is shit sometimes, or even all the time. That being said, because your man might suck at communication or at working on your relationship does not mean they *all* do.

    Broad generalizations really piss me off. Not all women suck at driving. Not all men suck at communicating. Not all pit bulls are evil. Not all red heads are day walking vampires...see where I'm going with this.

    Bitchy rant over. Blame the PMS.
    "I don't poop. I create magic."- ABC

    I'm as sexy as a burp mid-kiss. Watch out!

    For every loser there's one that has to win. So bite your tongue, grit your teeth and grin...