Step parents
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I absolutely HATE when stepparents write they hate their step kids! Your SO came as a package deal. If you didn't like the kids why get married?! And don't for one minute think the kids don't know you don't like them. They do. My husband treats my son just like he treats his daughter. My sons father is marrying a woman who hates me so takes it out on my son. It's not fair to the kids. Grow up!
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    For the step parents that hate their step kids, have ever thought that maybe your step kids are acting the way they do because they know you don't like them there for are acting out. I am a step child, I had a Step Mum and i have a Step Dad. I could tell that my Step Mum didn't like me and i did act out a little bit just to spite her. I did eventually figure out why she didn't like me, some of it was that she was jealous that my brother and i were so well behaved and her kids were monsters, on top of that her youngest was telling her lies about me. Once she realized that she started treating me different. So all those that feel the Step kids are less than your own kids, it is more damaging to treat them differently. Even if you don't like them treat the same as you would your own buy them the clothes you would dress your kids in. Remember you will also be taking them out in public and people will judge you for how the kids act and are dressed.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I agree with the author! My BF has said that he doesn't know if he can love my kid as much as ones we will have together in the future. This is now a serious issue for me and will probably be a deal breaker. I'm not going to have my future husband treat my kid like shit. No thanks!
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I wrote this post. I was also going to say the kids prob act out because they know there step parent doesn't like or love them. Kids aren't stupid. Why would you be so mean to buy her ugly clothes! That infuriates me. You are taking your anger and jealousy out on a child! There have been sooo many posts on here from step parents confessing they can't stand their step child. Disgusting.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    To the one with the BF who thinks he can't love your child. I don't know your situation but that is usually a red flag to get out. You will find someone to love both you and your child. Don't settle for less
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    if he is saying he doesn't think he could that is as stated a red flag he will favor the kids you have together over yours. Get out before you have a child with him. If you were to stay your child would feel less than perfect and like they are not loved. I am very blessed to have the BF i have he treats my daughter as if she were his own, Many people have thought that she was his, that is the kind of guy you need and should want
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    SO AGREE!!!

    I've been married for 5 months and made sure before we got married that we had the same view on "step" issues. WE have three children, ages 15, 9 & 5. Too bad we never ever get to see the 15 year old because her mom has lied about her dad so much that she is brainwashed.

    He is my kids' bonus dad, not step dad. And they love him. He's not trying to replace their dad, just enhance their lives. They have 3 parents now, not 2. At some point they may have 4 parents and we are all on the same page because hello, IT'S NOT ABOUT US, IT'S ABOUT THE KIDS!
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    My he is good with my kid now, though. He is loving and wonderful and everything I would want in a father to my child. I just want him to be able to keep that up if we ever have kids together.... (this is the girl with the BF who said he doesn't know if he could love my kid the same way as the kids we may have together)
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    Theoretically all good but I will be honest ... my husband is the best stepfather ever to my girls. However he has a teenage son who is HORRIBLE. Would I say I hate him? I would. Sorry. Would I tell him straight out his behavior sucks and his attitude sucks and I want him no where near my children? Yes. There really is no overcoming the fact that his mother doesn't parent him - lets him do whatever he wants drink, sell drugs whatever ... and now he is 18 and straight out of control. It is sad and I feel really badly that things are the way they are but it isn't always as straight forward as it may seem on the surface.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I have been both the child despised by a stepmother and treated like gold by a stepfather. It does not require a rocket scientist to understand why my relationship with my "real" dad is almost nonexistent. If you cannot treat a stepchild with kindness, you force your spouse to choose between you and his or her child. That is wrong on so many levels. It has been 25 years since my dad chose her over his 10 year old and 17 since he chose wife 3 over her. A man that would choose a wife who was cruel to his child wasn't much of a catch after all. So, go ahead; drive that wedge; make her little life hell the couple days a month she is so presumptuous as to want to actually intrude into your little slice of paradise and actually see her dad. There is nothing a child loves more than to be treated like she has no place in her own father's life. By the way that step child you hate so much was there first and will likely still be around when your ass is kicked to the curb. I hope your children's stepmother is much kinder.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I wrote the post above and want to clarify that I was NOT directing it toward the poster concerned about her boyfriend loving her children. I was thinking about the woman who dressed her stepdaughter in clothes she would not buy for her own.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I hope the woman who wrote she hated her stepdaughter and buys her ugly clothes reads these. Maybe it will wake her up. What made me really sad about the confession was not only was she buying her ugly clothes but she mentioned her husband never buys his daughter anything. I hope this little girl is loved by somebody.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    Step parents need to realize that they're the stranger in the situation. Children should be polite, but respect and love are earned and as the low man or woman on the totem pole, you have a lot of work to do. And bio parents need to learn that your kids are more important than your latest piece of ass.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I grew up with an amazing stepfather. My bio dad had died when I was young. He was great to my older brothers too, but I was his baby girl. My daughter is 14 and my husband always says that WE have 2 kids. He refers to her as his, and treats her differently from his bio daughter only because she's 14. I know it's not easy, but I wouldn't be with someone who treated my daughter poorly. My daughter is also diagnosed with severe epilepsy, and her meds create serious behavioral issues - it doesn't matter.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I love the comment about a "bonus dad" - I am a step mom, and while relations with bio mom are REALLY strained and she's a big fan of bashing me, my husband and our year old daughter (my mom saw her picture in my room and said she's ugly) to my step son, I don't hate my step son for it. I feel sad for him, b/c my husband and I would love for him to come and live with us but that will never happen b/c I quote "Then I won't get my money".

    And ps - how great am I for not throwing something at her when she called MY KID ugly? Oh man....
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    Situations and people change. I have step parents, both are wonderful. I married my husband knowing he had a child. I loved that child, and treated him as my own. I won't type out my entire saga here, but I will say that while I did agree to the package deal, I was not aware that the ex would turn into a vindictive, lying, money hungry, brainwashing freak, and keep us in court for years and bankrupt us. It's easy to judge when you don't know the whole story, and if someone wants to come and confess that they can't stand someone or something, let them. Maybe they are confessing so they can turn around and have a smile on their face and not make a child feel like they are not loved.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    We don't all aquire step kids BEFORE our dh's. My dh and i seperated and he got a girl pregnant but we didn't know til after getting things worked out and back together. I love my stepson as I've raised him from day one but he is not MY child and MY kids come first to me. I don't treat him any differently but not any better either. They all get the same things.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    We don't all aquire step kids BEFORE our dh's. My dh and i seperated and he got a girl pregnant but we didn't know til after getting things worked out and back together. I love my stepson as I've raised him from day one but he is not MY child and MY kids come first to me. I don't treat him any differently but not any better either. They all get the same things.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    My BF is so good with my daughter and her kids.... treats them like his own grandkids. His own daughter is a fat, lazy slob who is 25 and still lives with him. Its hard to like her when she treats him so disrespectfully. Its hard to bite my tongue.... I want to tell her: get up, get your driver's license, get a job, get your own life.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    My SIL married a guy with a 9 yr. son. It's like the poor kid doesn't exist. We're not supposed to talk about him or even mention his name. SIL and husband have a 2 yr. old together. As a mother it pains me. I've meet the 9yr. old twice in over 3 years. He seems like such a sweet boy. Usually when my SIL isn't within ear shot I asked her husband how he's doing. The same answer everytime is "he's doing well". My SIL posts tons of pictures on FB almost every week and not one single picture of her step son on her page. She has even posted pics of my kids. I just don't get it. A step child is not something to be ashamed of. I wish I could speak up but it would definitely cause problems which I won't do. Oh, and the step son did not attend their wedding but their 2yr. old was in a tux. Odd.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I was both a step child and a step parent. While my step dad was not the best he wasn't the worst either. He was very jealous of the relationship I had with my mother. But I will say for the most a pretty decent guy. Then I became a step mother. Oh my. At the time I was childless and I was pretty excited to have her in my life. i wanted to be able to do things as a family and decorate her room but when I mentioned this to my husband he said why? She has a mother. This crushed me because like you hear most parents say the kids are part of the deal. So I was basically told I had to stay at arms length. I think it was the start of why i started to dislike this kid but it could have just been that she was indeed a spoiled rotten evil child. She would do things to purposely destroy things in our house. She would steal things from me or one day I caught her climbing in my sons crib and started to slap his cheeks. Anyway my point is don't always assume we are the wrong ones when we say we don't like our step children there may be some damn good reasons why.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I think that the biggest issue with stepchildren is that you are supposed to love them like your own but have very little control over how they are raised. My step children are not parented at home. Their mom lets them do what they want when they want. SPOILED ... and entitled. It is very hard to treat them as I would my own as my own children would spend their lives and literally their entire lives in time out if they behaved as my step children do. However ... there are issues - if I put them in time out they cry to their mother who then calls and yells (without having any idea of the situation). I was told I am "allowed" to put them in time out for no more than 5 minutes and only if their dad isn't physically present in the house. Second issue is that I feel bad disciplining them in the first place because I know it isn't their fault they don't know how to behave. They were not taught. 3 days every other week isn't enough to teach them proper behavior. Would I say I "hate" them?? No ... but I would without a doubt say that I hate the weekends we have them. It is stressful and it is difficult for everyone involved... and all the progress we make each weekend on rules and right and wrong is undone by the time the next weekend comes. So ya I can imagine how one might hate their stepchildren.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    How do you know that the new wife is taking out her hatred of you on your son? Maybe he is being a jerk to her. Maybe things aren't so simple.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I was a step child and it was not good. Now I have a child and bf has been in our lives six years, since age two. I ALWAYS kept the two at a slight distance. I let them cultivate a friendship first and foremost. I have nursed that friendship over the years but NEVER put an once of pressure on it. BF has always had a warm loving attitude with my child. He would have been gone in an instant if there was a moment of strife or a slight hesitation or even if my child didn't like him for any reason. The kid comes first. They have such a healthy relationship now. My child would actually rather spend time with my BF sometimes than with me.

    That said, as we see constantly on the confession page, parenting your own bio kid is the worlds toughest job. Kids can create a lot of stress and chaos. They act out, sometimes in destructive ways. Add a step parent in the mix and it can be a mess.

    My personal feeling is that step parent (and adoptive parents for that matter) should start by losing the rose colored glasses and bracing for the ride. You have got to love that often utterly unloveable child more than anyone. You have to work harder than anyone. Some days parents dislike their own acting out manipulative rude destructive kids. Some days you wish they came with a c.o.d. label addressed to grandmas house or perhaps even the closest juvinile boot camp. But bio parents don't get to give up when the kids are blowing up. They have to work harder, dig deeper, find a way to discipline that kid and love them completely.

    If a potential step parent isn't ready to do all of these things and get no respect or credit at the end of the day, they need to get out. As women we need to make certain we are bringing men into our lives who will love our kids when our kids are at their worst.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    Step children are part of the package. End of story. Don't hate your step children if you can't hate your own. No, their behavior is not all their fault. So don't be an ass to them. I will bet you anything that your own kids wouldn't be the awsome well behaved angels you think they are for step parents.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I get just as angry and fed up when my kids act or behave like animals. Calling them a package deal while correct is easier said than done. outside of abuse you can't say all situations are the same. Abuse is never ok. But If a person has days where they are not liking their step child ...big deal. I have days where Im not liking my kids too. Doesn't mean I don't love them.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    Not all situations are that easy I have gone out of my way to make my stepchildren feel welcome even when their psycho mother kept them away. I took the oldest in when he said his mom was abusing him only to be paid back by him beating my dogs till they almost died beeaking my things attacking me and thats just some of it. So before you say we should never saywe hate them put your selves in someone elses shoes. I have a stepfather who is crazy but I have never done the stuff my SS has done to me.
  • AnonUser24
    Posts: 2,594Guest
    Kids who have been abused act out, sometimes horribly. He needs therapy and understanding. If your own mother abused you, you would probably feel like breaking stuff too. I'm not saying those things are ok, but he definitely has a reason for doing it. I don't think hating him will help the situation.
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    When did we get names? I thought it was interesting everyone posted anon. Meh. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • i_am_a_thunderbirdi_am_a_thunderbird
    Posts: 1,672Member
    What the hell is this all about?
  • riveraslp
    Posts: 1Member
    I absolutely hate this topic one cause my son is step son and his son is step son. I raised him from 1 until he was about 4, 90% of the time with us. After that she decided she wanted to manipulate my bf at the time to use their son to break us up. Her ultimatum was if we didn't break up at their court hearing which i was at she was going to continue to take him to court this will be our third time in court. She decided she was going to do it a final time and move to Victoria and tell them I abused him oh yes we went to court and after a year we have joint custody and his behavior towards me has changed 100%. He is rude, ugly and disrespectful compliments from his "mother". He is now 6 and he tells me my mom says I can say this do that, but I am not supposed to tell you. I remind him his Victoria mom is not in-charge in Houston he understands that. I always respond "Ok well we know what the right thing is to do, right", he responds "he does", and I also let him know consequences for his actions. And you would think some of the brainwashing will STOP but it gets worse and worse as time goes by. His behavior has now spread to his teachers, grandparents, daycare, and his own "mother". She says its my fault that I am doing something to him, he no longer lives with me (us) he is with her 90% of the time in Victoria and it shows. Over the last 2 years he is a different kid he is out of control, his attitude sux and has broken furniture and all kinds of stuff at her house. You would think she would grow up and stop the madness somehow.
    My son is step son I couldn't ask for a better step-father his bio-father never cared for him so I never ever let him near him. I couldn't stand him playing with his emotions the way he did with me. It did take many years for us to be in a good place, our challenge was that he would treat our boys different and I wouldn't it was visible to everyone but him. He finally saw the light and sees that him doing that was allowing most of the discipline to come from me was not fair mostly cause the discipline was towards his son. Made me the "bad" guy him the "good" guy all the time. I told him we needed to reevaluate our situation if i was left to do all the discipline. IT is very hard to have to discipline a child who is not yours bio and you don't see that often. I did tell him hey that is part of being a parent you can't expect him to never be mad at you but its unfair for him to always be mad at me or put me in that position.
    I had to also put my foot down with the discipline tactics his method since my son was always there he got no breaks to chances to make mistakes, even though both know the rules. I give them both three chances and that has worked for me. Be very very patient, be fair, be kind soon enough the children will know the truth.