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understanding women who take back men who suck
  • lawschoolmommy
    Posts: 225Member
    Forgive me if this is rambly.  I'm usually more articulate.

    I wanted to write about something that through my recent experiences I have learned is a very common experience but is rarely spoken about.  The reasons and thought processes behind why women (specifically mothers) take back men who are "not good enough".

    I googled it.  Most of the responses surround low self-esteem, fear of being alone, insert other neurotic tendencies here.  None of them, not one single one, touched on the reasons I've discussed and learned are common with women who have been in similar situations to my own.  

    My situation involved an affair, but I'm pretty sure women in all kinds of situations where their spouse has done big time wrong probably experience something similar.  Lucky for me (sarcasm implied), I seem to have several friends with children who were also cheated on by their husbands which led to the woman filing for divorce.  And every single one, myself included, made at least one attempt to reconcile AFTER filing the divorce paperwork.

    This is where the comments start.  The "you can do better than him", "you deserve someone who will treat you better", "WHY?!", etc etc etc.

    Here's what I want you to know -- something I didn't know when I use to be the person on the other side of the fence.  WE KNOW.  I don't say that in the "yeah, yeah, I've heard it before, now shut up about it" way.  I mean we know it and we know for a fact that it is true.  We know for a fact that we deserve to be treated better.  We know for a fact that there are men out there who could treat us better.  It's not about feeling like we aren't worth better.  It's about sacrificing what we know we deserve for what we feel our children deserve.

    I'm not saying this is logical.  And I'm not saying the children would really be better with these dysfunctional relationships intact.  I'm saying that's the guilt, the thought process.  None of the women I've talked to were willing to stay in the situation they were in.  And every single one, myself included, knew it was unlikely the situation was going to change.  But go with me, here.  Let's say a woman believes there's a 95% chance her husband isn't going to change.  And let's say her kids are sobbing at home every night crying for daddy because they miss him so much and want him home.  And let's say daddy shows up one day and says he still loves her and wants their marriage to work.  She knows there's a 95% fail rate.  She knows there's a 95% chance she's just going to get hurt again if he hasn't actually changed.  But she counters with that with the 5% chance that he has changed.  She works out the pros and cons lists in her head.  If she gives him a shot and it fails, she could get hurt again.  It would suck.  But you know what, she survived it the first time.  If she gives him a shot and it succeeds, if he's actually changed, then they could have their happy intact family.  The kids could have both mom and dad home.  This could mean so much more than just having both parents there.  It could be the difference between mom getting to stay home and the kids going to daycare.  It could be the difference between a possibility for future siblings vs. a life as an only child with a single mom -- which in itself means the difference between big family holidays or the possibility of their child being lonely and isolated after living relatives have died.  There's a lot of "could be"s and they are different for every person, but they are all valid.  

    I've rambled.  And not articulated myself very well, I'm afraid.  My point is this: Never judge someone for giving their ex another shot - no matter how stupid it may seem and how likely it is to fail.  I told my friend, who's husband cheated on her twice, got back together, then cheated again, that no matter how much I dislike how he's treated her and how unlikely I think it is that they will ever be able to work things out, I will never EVER judge her for trying if the time comes when she thinks "maybe, MAYBE, this time could work".

    It isn't about low self-esteem.  It's about feeling guilty and believing that your child's right to have a happy intact family is of greater priority than you're right to find your prince charming and your happily ever after.  Especially if they fear it's going to leave a gaping hole in their hearts for the rest of their lives.
  • palmer93
    Posts: 49Member
    Personally I've never gone through it, but my MIL is the person you are describing, and even though everyone always asks her why, she just shrugs them off. Not only is that man the father of her two beautiful children, but hes taken care of all of them despite the way hes treated his wife. Sometimes I too shake my head and think to myself "when will she ever grow a pair". But at the same time i envy her. She holds her head high. She's been hurt and you can tell, but shes stronger than me and almost everyone I know. Its not about them its about their family they've built, the home that stands proudly among houses, its so much more than a man and a women treating eachother well..and it took me years to realize it but i know what your talking about.
  • nessamommynessamommy
    Posts: 671Member
    As much as I used to.believe people are inherently good, slowly I am learning through experiences that it is further from the truth. I know people who have completely forgiven infedelity, and are happy. I believe if you choose to forgive you have to do it 100%, otherwise you will both be miserable.
    I refuse to judge other people for getting back together with someone. I am not in their relationship. Personally, I have forgiven someone for infedelity bc of my child. When I learned he wasn't going to stop I got the fuck out of there. Kids can comprehend more than you know (generally speaking), and if you are miserable, they will pick up on that.
    If life gives you lemons, squirt lemon juice in life's eye!
  • nessamommynessamommy
    Posts: 671Member
    Sorry phone cut me off.
    Bottom line is that you have to do what's right for you. If you aren't happy do what it takes to make you happy. Whether it is divorce or working it out. Your children exemplify you.
    If life gives you lemons, squirt lemon juice in life's eye!
  • MistressHeidiMistressHeidi
    Posts: 977Member
    This was me, a few years ago. I hated my xh, hated my life, hating coming home to him. I knew he was cheating on me, I had no concrete proof, but I just knew. I knew he treated me badly. I knew he was a loser. I knew I deserved better. I just didn't think I could do better. Years of being told that I was ugly, fat, stupid and worthless had taken it's toll. I believed every horrible, awful thing he said to me. I hated every thing, I was miserable.

    But the kids loved their father. They missed him when he was gone. I couldn't take that away from them. What kind of selfish person would I be to take their father away from them. It took one of my kids crying out for help, therapy and a good long hard look in the mirror for me to realize that yes my kids needed their father, they loved their father, but they also needed their mother to be happy and healthy. I fear I may have screwed up my kids and their view on relationships by staying as long as I did, at the time it was the only thing I knew how to do.

    I do understand why some women refuse to leave their spouse for the sake of the kids. For some it may not seem like the right answer, but for the women in that situation it's the only answer they have at that moment.
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    I can understand that. I see why they do it, I just could never sacrifice my own happiness, I'm too selfish lol I could never stay with a man that treated me badly just so my kids could have him around. They will get over it and once they're old enough to be told why, they will understand and wouldn't expect their mother to endure that. I admire women who can put their own needs aside for their childrens' when its necessary, I just think sometimes its not necessary and they're actually doing them more harm than good. An unhappy mom isn't good for anyone. The kids shouldn't be taught that ur supposed to put up with being disrespected. I would never model that for my dd, I want her to learn to stand up for herself. But I do understand situations where it really is better for the kids for the family to remain how it is, at least until the mother is able to support them on her own.
    ~slim shady~
  • PurpleFlowersPurpleFlowers
    Posts: 5,786Member
    I guess I should comment on this thread since I have been married, separated, divorced, re-married, separated, back together and now separated again all to the same man. Talk about people judging...I guess Im just an asshole who cant decide what she wants. My situation is different though because he was never a cheater. He has depression and health issues. He has a shitty job and makes as much as a fuckin teenager, and he is lazy. My problem is that I start feeling sorry for him when were not together because he cant make it on his own financially. I dont want to see the father of my children sleeping in a cardboard box. Sorry Im rambling, I think I need to start my own thread because Ive actually been thinking a lot about this and need advice.
    Stay away from my chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

    I think I like who I am becoming...
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    Gosh I dont think i took DH back because he was the 5%.  I took him back for other reasons the right reasons IMO
    But for me EVERY guy cheats at least 1 time in his life and it can be just and emotional or physical relationship, it can be when they are married or when they have GF.  I think depending of the Thrill they get from it is if they think they can do it again and again.  This is how I think about it.

    So from day 1 I told him he had 1 GOLDEN TICKET, to use after he told me he was going to.  He knew this and forgot the protocol and it was the other woman who loved the control that she had on him. (She was a piece of work, had a bf who pimped her for money on drugs and had a poor me, rescue me reason for everything)  She told me, she use to tell him that she would tell me and this was only a week into their month long affair.  When it all came out ( her family evicting her from their place and they came to my door) I told him if he couldnt be honest with me then I would say no more to him, because there was NO reason he should have gone behind my back when he had his pass. There was NO reason for him to have gone behind my back for sex knowing I was waiting for him at home and eye banging him when he came through the door.

    Ultimately he was/is a good guy, has daddy issues and learning slowly about playing w/ our son more, always supported me in everything. He was just so damn stupid for a month.  I  hurt from it still (3 yrs) because of the lies  and how it all went down.  I threaten to leave and got signed document from him that we will look at our situation when we are debt free and I have the freedom to walk away from our marriage if I dont think the situation is better.  I also kept phone logs and any notes the passed to each other just in case.
  • chaosmomchaosmom
    Posts: 3,834Member
    I have been there. Right now actually. It is a different situation though. He never cheated on me. We got together in high school. Had ds13 & he freaked out. Started hanging out with his boys more than his family. He was immature & I couldn't wait it out. Broke up for 5 yrs, he got married, had another kid, grew up. They divorced, we got back together. Everything was great, had more kids, loved life. Then he got depressed, hooked on pills, became emotionally/verbally abusive. I left again. Kids missed their daddy like crazy, crying all the time, getting angry about not seeing him all the time. He's now been clean for 2 yrs. I have been treading very carefully with our relationship but we have enough of a relationship that he sees the kids often, we do things as a family. Honestly, I'm scared of getting hurt...again. but I feel like I *have* to give it another shot for the kids. They deserve their family to be together. If it wasn't for the kids, we would have been a thing of the past never to be given a second thought. I *think* I can be happy with him but I *know* the kids are. And yes, their happiness is way more important than mine.
  • WildandFree
    Posts: 1,723Member
    I'd rather be alone with my kids then miserable in a relationship with a man who didn't deserve me. *shrugs* that's just my two cents. I can make it on my own financially and mentally, and like @shadylane said, I'd rather be happy. Me being happy makes me a better mom, and the kids pick up on when mommy is not happy. I WISH my parents would've gotten divorced. My mom and dad were miserable but kept it together for me. What a waste of time and energy :(
  • WildandFree
    Posts: 1,723Member
    Shit, phone cut me off! I will never understand women who keep going back. My best friend did and ended up marrying the abusive asshole and now even her son tells her he wishes she wouldnt have married Daddy. It's sad really.
  • wonderwomanx3
    Posts: 467Member
    This is such a hard issue. Its so easy to see both sides. If dh cheated on me i don't know what I would do. I don't know that i could ever forgive him. I want to say he'd get kicked to the curb instantly but I know my boys would cry for their daddy & I wouldn't want to break their hearts like that. So who gets to be happy ... me or my kids? I'd miss him & our marriage - I've been in love with him since I was 16! - but I don't think I could be happy with someone who lies & cheats. don't I deserve to be happy too? I don't know if I could be miserable for years just so my kids could have their parents together. Yes my kids deserve to be happy but they should see their parents happy. Whether they are together or apart.
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    but that's great @chaosmom, u guys sound like u can def make it this time, it will be hard work but if u love him it will be worth it
    ~slim shady~
  • ApalmerxoApalmerxo
    Posts: 42Member
    In my humble opinion I think that every single situation is very different with different circumstances. If it was a friend of mine or family member going through this i would just support them no matter what they decide and I would expect the same from them if this happened to me. Everyone makes bad choices and makes mistake no one is perfect and if you love each other and willing to work it out good for you and even if they stay in a terrible situation knowing they arent being treated right that was their choice, sure I couldnt feel sorry for that person after allowing themselves to continue to get hurt and I wouldnt expect anyone to feel that way for me but I can just be there and not judge them because it is their choice to stay or go not anyone else'. 
  • lawschoolmommy
    Posts: 225Member
    I'm not asking anyone to agree with it.  I'm asking people to understand it because I've realized just how common it is.  I'm in a safe position to speak up on behalf of the many right now because I've been there, done that, understand, but I'm not doing it *right now* - so I'm not so vulnerable to judgment.  

    Nobody intends to make things worse for their kids.  Does it happen that way sometimes?  Most definitely.  From where I'm sitting right now, I can clearly see that my son will have a better life with me as a single mom than he will with his dad around all the time.  Sad, but true.  Do I want it to be that way?  No.  Do I wish it were different?  Yes.

    I'd like to call it eternal optimism.  I don't know.  Obviously, it's bad to stay in a bad situation.  I'm not advocating that in any way.  But its the hope that something would change and the situation wouldn't be bad anymore.

    I'm not saying it's right.  I'm not saying it's good.  I'm just saying this is the thought process of many many women.  Telling them what they are doing is wrong and that they should do what you decide they should do is very disempowering, and the last thing any woman who is in a situation like this is to have that happen.  So if you find yourself hearing similar things from a friend or a sister some day, be supportive.  Even if you don't agree with the decision.  You are NOT saying "Yes, I support you staying with a man who is going to continue cheating on you."  (Or whatever their circumstance may be.)  What you ARE saying is "If he really has stopped his ways and it truly is not going to continue to be an issue, then I support you if you try to reconcile."
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,756Member
    @Lawschoolmommy

    I get what you are saying.  I have been there and had everyone telling me to leave.

    Now I have friends who aer in, what *I* feel to be insufferable situations and I am always thinking "Why would you put up with that??"  but I have to remember when I was on the other side.

    With my first marriage it was not about self esteem at all.  I knew I could do better.  I was certain that I was way out of his league, I mean, I could have easily found someone else, I was still young and pretty damn hot.  It was about the kids.  I knew right after we were married that I had made a bad bad decision but my firstborn had known him since he was just 18 months old and had decided on his own to call him "Daddy" when he was just two.  And that kept me there, trying to make it work... and then came DS #2 making it that much harder.  I reasoned that while he was a shitty husband, he wasn't a "horrible" father.  Well, he didn't mistreat the kids anyway, though he was definitely neglectful of all of us. 

    When I did finally leave, my youngest was five and he had a very hard time.  And it ripped my heart out but he didn't know any better, his father ignored us all and that wasn't going to change, but my son didn't know what a "good" Dad was like, crap Dad was all he'd known.  Both of them for that matter but by then my older son was seeing things more clearly (he was 10) and didn't have as much of a hard time with the split.

    My mother lived with my abusive, alcoholic father for 14 years because of "the kids" and she put up with his treatment of her but it took him treating us badly for her to finally decide enough was enough.
    "But a lesson must be lived in order to be learned" Ani DiFranco, Manhole
    "Screw you guys! I'm going home." Eric Cartman
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