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My kids want a dad :(
  • mama2tutnkcmama2tutnkc
    Posts: 1,039Member
    They both have dads. Dd6 father is awesome (good dad shitty husband) Ds3 father is a deadbeat. So, for this 2 time strike out queen, dating is not really what I want to do. Why go through the drama & bs all over again? I guess I just hate being a single mom. I've dated bf for 7 months. Kids & family love him & last night dd asked him why doesnt he marry her mommy because he'd be a good husband. He blushed, and I blanched. I'm ok with just dating. I'm scared bc I dont want him to change if we say "i do" now that I know how he feels, im terrified of pushing him away, but I dont want to marry him either.. Am I crazy? Should I do it for the kids?
    feels like *home* to me
  • BassmomBassmom
    Posts: 245Member
    Being a single mom sucks, I was one from the time my ds was born until he was about 7or 8. It does suck. But I don't believe you should marry someone just for the kids. I know its hard, my ds would always say when am I gonna have a dad? I want a dad. I just got married a few months ago to someone that I truly love and of course my ds and I were a package deal. He came to love him as his own son.

    Do your kids have a good father figure that they see regularly? My dad was that for my ds until my dh came along. It's not the same as a father, but it helps.
  • FUGgettaboutit
    Posts: 30Member
    Do not do it for the kids. Talk to them about the facts, that it's wonderful to have BF around and that you and children love him, that he loves you and children and that's enough right now. He makes an excellent boyfriend. There's no reason to push something that causes you stress, and with the diversity present in today's families, just showing your kids you're proud of your boyfriend is enough.
    Talk to boyfriend and let him know you want to stay with him and that you aren't sure when and if you want to remarry. He needs the truth too so he knows what kind of support to give you and what to expect from you.
  • TurthipoTurthipo
    Posts: 340Member
    Hey lady... Keep your chin up.

    If we all did what kids wanted because they want it, there'd be many more houses with dirt bikes, trampolines, iguanas for pets & icecream for breakfast.
    I understand that your child's happiness is your everything BUT your happiness directly affects theirs. You love your kids, make sure what you do is what's BEST for all of you. Families function best as a unit. Stay united.
    They're awfully young to have to explain why you're single or that you prefer to stay that way. Maybe telling them that this way you can focus on them? Or tell them flat out that you want to be a mommy & a girlfriend, not a mommy & wife.

    (((Hugs)))
  • mama2tutnkcmama2tutnkc
    Posts: 1,039Member
    Thanks yall... My dd dad is in both of thier lives... Sometimes he will take both of them if he sees ds upset that sissy is leaving & if he brings dd somethin he will bring ds a small treat too, but somehow they still know that we arent a "regular family" I love bf and see us together forever, he is MY DREAM GUY, I just dont want to marry again. Bf has never been married & has no kids. he also wants a child of his own bc he's adopted.. How am I going to keep this guy? These are big deal breakers for some ppl???
    feels like *home* to me
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,756Member
    mama2tutnkc said:

    Thanks yall... My dd dad is in both of thier lives... Sometimes he will take both of them if he sees ds upset that sissy is leaving & if he brings dd somethin he will bring ds a small treat too, but somehow they still know that we arent a "regular family" I love bf and see us together forever, he is MY DREAM GUY, I just dont want to marry again. Bf has never been married & has no kids. he also wants a child of his own bc he's adopted.. How am I going to keep this guy? These are big deal breakers for some ppl???



    I just want to say that it is REALLY awesome about your DD's dad and how he includes your other child.  Just really above and beyond.

    I don't have much else to say on this because while I understand you have bad luck with marriage,  I don't understand wanting together forever but not marrying?  Do you want more kids?
    "But a lesson must be lived
    In order to be learned"

    Ani DiFranco, Manhole
  • pennypenny
    Posts: 800Member
    The only people whose dealbreakers matter are you and bf. Don't want to get married? Don't. He can still be a partner to you and a dad to your kids without that piece of paper. Want to help him realize his dream to be a bio dad? Go for it, as long as he accepts you and your two as his own family as well.

    You need to have a talk with your bf about how you see the future. You shouldn't marry just for your kids, but you also need to keep their needs in mind while balancing yours. After you and bf discuss things, bring your kids up to speed as others have suggested. I'm sure they can appreciate your wanting to take things slowly and informally after your previous experiences; just put it in terms they can understand.
  • pennypenny
    Posts: 800Member
    Also, I love that your DD's dad is so thoughtful and involved for your son's sake. It's the right thing to do, and it's a shame that so many people don't bother.
  • mama2tutnkcmama2tutnkc
    Posts: 1,039Member
    I think dd dad is pretty awesome for it too!! it took us awhile but we are finally truely friends. He even helps with ds daycare when he knows I'm struggling. Bf has said no matter how we are together ( married or not) he won't leave& he hasnt proposed its just something he speaks of often. I cant help but feel he will feel shorted in the future. I do not want more kids ( horrible pregnancies & fear of repeat birth defects in subsequent children -ds has a type of genetic kidney disease) I guess I should just quit worrying?!
    feels like *home* to me
  • mama2tutnkcmama2tutnkc
    Posts: 1,039Member
    Thank you penny. I hadnt considered him being ok with it. Just only looking at the negative cuz I'm like that sometimes.. Perspective is exactly what I needed!!
    feels like *home* to me
  • pennypenny
    Posts: 800Member
    No worries, hon. I'm sure you'll work it out, whatever "it" turns out to be. When I was younger I had very distinct ideas on what relationships and marriage were supposed to be. As time has passed, I've realized that there are lots of different approaches that can provide me with the happiness and fulfillment I want. Two people who love and respect each other have a great head start at finding a path that works for them, even if it's not what most people would consider traditional or, heaven forbid, normal.
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