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What kind of friend am I? :(
  • MaryPoppins25
    Posts: 1,686Member
    I have a friend that I met in highschool. We didn't stay friends this whole time, we reconnected around 4 years ago. I was preggo with my first and she had just had her first. Needless to say we hit it off pretty well.

    We stayed friends for a while and I beared and grinned when she openly flirted with dan, told me we should switch hubbys, etc. I also let our conflict of parenting slide very often. We have completely seperate views but I tried not to let it interfere with our friendship. That is until she said "I get it you want to be able to say you did the whole package, breast feed, make your own baby food, cloth diaper, etc" this was a response to me telling her I wanted to cloth diaper.

    I ended the friendship there because even tho we didn't see eye to eye I still respected her decisions and thought she was doing what worked for her family. Clearly she thought I had another agenda and that hurt me. Some harsh things were said from both ends and we didn't speak for around a year.

    Recently, approx 6 months ago, I contacted her to give it another go. Things have been good and we're trying to keep the lines of communication open so we don't have hard feelings again.

    So now after all that drama and me initiating a reconcile I'm feeling uncomfortable around her again :( it's nothing she's said or anything. She recently got a job at a strip club as a server and it makes me very very "judgey" for lack of a better word. I know it's wrong, I know it shouldn't effect our friendship, after all it isn't hurting me or my family. I tried to be supportive and even told her "you gotta do what you gotta do" I just feel like she wants the attention and she could easily get a more appropriate job. After all she is a mom and does have a husband. I'm at a loss at what to do. I want to continue the friendship but I can't help but feel judgmental. It's sad because I can recognize that I'm not being fair but I can't make the feelings go away.

    Will I get over it? Is it even acceptable for me to feel this way? Ugh! Please don't be too harsh, remember I am very aware that I'm not being a good friend in feeling this way. I haven't expressed it to her or tried to make her feel ashamed. But I get the yuckiest feeling about the whole thing :(
  • breezybreezy
    Posts: 3,483Member
    You shouldn't have to force a friendship imo. If you don't have similar points of view and lifestyles It's going to a chore to maintain. I bet she feels the "judgy" vibe that you are trying to hide and get over. But you have a right to you own standards and morals. I wouldn't bend mine to maintain a mediocre relationship. There plenty of fish in the friendship sea.
  • beachmommybeachmommy
    Posts: 2,522Member

    I think you are thinking too much about her....

    How much time do you spend together?  She is a friend, not your husband or child... Why do you feel like you need to continue this relationship?

    My beach is still Sandy....
  • MaryPoppins25
    Posts: 1,686Member
    @breezy @beachmommy we have a good time together! We go out to the comedy club and hang out at her place. We also hand out as couples. They have two children just 11 months apart and so do we. We have a lot in common and when times are good we have a great time. I guess I want to continue because I do get a lot out of it and I enjoy her company.
  • MegsueMegsue
    Posts: 1,848Member
    I found I felt the same way about a friend of mine who decided that stripping was the best way for her to support her kids. Quite frankly, I was disgusted at first. I thought she'd lost her damn mind and self-respect. Eventually I figured out that I was really just afraid of the unknown KWIM? I had no idea what her job was really like, every time I saw her all I could think about was how she was letting sweaty drunk men paw at her while she rolled around like Madonna. Ewww. Then I grew some balls and asked her what it was actually like. Nothing like I imagined apparently...she likened it to dancing at a club with all your girlfriends, you just strip down to a bikini. The place she works she can't even go topless, she has to have pasties on. Security is very tight, if anyone touches her in a way she doesn't like, they get the boot, and the only time she's allowed to be touched is if the guy/gal is handing her money.

    So maybe you should have this discussion with her. Maybe you'll get lucky and find it's not as bad as you're imagining.
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 7,279Administrator, Moderator
    You told her 'you gotta do what you gotta do' and that right there is the mantra you should stick with. I'm assuming she didn't take this job because it is her childhood dream come true. She probably took it because she makes damn good money in a very short amount of time and the schedule is flexible enough to work with her husband's working hours. It's a job. A means to an end. She's earning a paycheck to provide for her family. It's a legal, legitimate job. Is it a job I would want? No. Are there other jobs out there she could obtain? Probably. But the reasons why she took the job do not matter. You said she's a good person, a fun person, and you enjoy her company. That IS what matters. You're acknowledging that you don't feel fair judging her for her occupation, so that tells me that you want to continue the friendship and not allow yourself to alienate her because of her job title. So, just roll with that. Don't let her occupation take up space in your mind. Just enjoy her company!! 

    I'm not trying to come down on you at all. I understand that we ALL judge at one point or another. Nobody can be fair all the time. I'm just thinking if you free your mind a bit, then you'll realize serving drinks at a strip club really isn't the worst thing that people can do for money. ;)

    community-manager


  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    b/c of the flirting w/ ur dh and wanting attention i'm getting the idea that she's kinda slutty, maybe its not just that she works at a strip club that really bothers u, its her whole lack of morals/self-respect? not saying that anyone who does that is slutty, just that maybe this girl is and her new job is making it harder to ignore ?
    ~slim shady~
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 7,279Administrator, Moderator
    Wait. Was the flirting with your husband happening now? Or was that in the past? If it is happening NOW, then I can totally understand why you'd want to distance yourself from her. I was under the impression that you had forgiven her and initiated contact again since that time?

    community-manager


  • MaryPoppins25
    Posts: 1,686Member
    Ok so she has a "slutty" personality but isn't a slut kwim. She's a real flirt and I am as well so I don't hold that against her at all. I guess it is the lack of morals/self respect that's putting me off. It used to bug me when she flirted with dan but that was only because I wasnt as secure in our relationship as I am now.
  • MaryPoppins25
    Posts: 1,686Member
    Basically I want to stay friends and want the feeling of judgment to leave so I don't think mean things when we talk.
  • organicbabyorganicbaby
    Posts: 1,481Member
    Then do not judge her. It is her life and her choice. If her dh does not mind it, why do you? I think that If you want to be friends you need to let go of whatever she said to you because maybe you are unconsciously looking for something to get back at her for her stupid comments. I know I get very pissed of when someone has a nasty comment about my parenting style.
  • GingersnapGingersnap
    Posts: 7,305Member
    I find listening and asking questions can go a long way towards helping me not to be judgmental, but, in the end, meditating on *acceptance* is what gets me there. 

    I've heard people say, "I just want to be understood." I call bullshit. My best friends don't always understand me, but they love me and accept me. 
    image
  • sanityseekersanityseeker
    Posts: 2,373Member
    You got upset because she judged you on what she perceived and now you're doing the same thing IMO just because she's stripping doesn't mean she has no morals, it d sounds like you have a good time together, enjoy it
    Biting's excellent. It's like kissing. Only there's a winner.
    "Dobby never meant to kill! Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure.” -Dobby
    Genealogy: Where you confuse the dead and irritate the living.
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