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The Other Woman
  • mom_anonymous
    Posts: 8Member
    Yep, that's me. The one every wife loves to hate. I hate me too.
    To go ahead and defend myself, I didn't know...at first. He was a skilled liar, when we first met. But of course, over time, I started to put things together, started to notice when he was lying through his teeth. By that time, I was so far gone. I loved him so much. He hung the moon, but when I started working out that he was married, I started to have relationships outside of ours. I hurt him as badly as he hurt me. It was ugly and awful.
    I had two kids already, and when the shit hit the fan, after two years of being together, I was pregnant with my third. She came to my house and we talked and cried together. Reality was finally biting me in the ass. I was so angry, and for weeks and weeks, I hated him, hated the baby inside me. I was so full of hate and anger. I wanted to die, but who would take care of my boys? As for the spawn of him, I would kill it with me, if I could. I stayed with my mom for a while. I didn't eat or sleep or speak for a long time. My kids learned what my hand gestures meant, and they cuddle up with me when I cried. I lost so much weight, my doctor was scared for the spawn. My mom had my friends and family keep an eye on me, in case I completely lost it.
    After a while, the anger faded. The little bump under my clothes became a baby boy. He moved for the first time, and I couldn't hate him anymore. It wasn't his fault. But then I realized, after so much pain and betrayal, that I couldn't hate his dad either. I still loved him. It's in my nature to forgive. And I did. With the forgiveness came the knowledge that he loves me too, even if he did seriously fuck up. I stopped trying to hurt him with other guys. He left her to be with me. We are still together.
    I know everyone believes that The Other Woman is the devil, a home wrecker. And I'm sure some of them are. But I'm not the devil. I'm not smarter or prettier than she is. I just fell in love with her husband. I know, it's wrong. It feels wrong. Her face and her name haunt me every single day. I regret so badly what I've done. I can't regret being with him, but I regret the way it happened. It will follow me for the rest of my life.
    I don't trust him, not yet. Hopefully, with time, we'll be able to work through all of the pain we caused each other.  Go ahead and hate me. That's ok, I hate me too, probably more than any of you ever could. But I love him. And hopefully, someday I can forgive myself and fully enjoy the life that I have now.
    She's doing ok, by the way. She's moved on and happier than she was. Does that make it ok? No. But it gives me hope that I'm not such a bad person, because they weren't happy together. I know, it's twisted. But if I don't give myself some kind of consolation, I'm going to lose my mind. I need to feel normal. After all, I have kids to take care of. I just hope they never know.
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 5,507Member
    First of all, I don't hate you. But then I've never been cheated on, either, at least, not so far as I know. People talk about homewreckers, and it's always the other woman who's to blame in their minds. But if the man goes looking for a relationship outside his marriage, then he's the homewrecker. He bears the blame as well. It's a shitty situation, definitely, and you obviously have a conscience or you wouldn't be feeling so guilty. But don't you worry that he will do to you what he did to his ex? I doubt he has stopped being a skilled liar just because he's now with you. I truly do hope everything works out for you.
    "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof bullshit detector.” - Ernest Hemingway
  • CanadianMamaCanadianMama
    Posts: 9,780Administrator, Moderator
    This was a very brave and honest post. Thank you  >:D<

    community-manager


  • mom_anonymous
    Posts: 8Member
    @fatchickonabike Yes, I worry about it. I worry all the time. But he isn't the skilled liar I once thought he was. I know him now, better than anyone ever has, including her, shitty as that is. I know all of his tells. He can't lie to me anymore. But yes, I worry about him finding someone else. It follows me. It's apart of my punishment, I think. But I can't put all the blame on him. I did this too. To give him credit, though, he wasn't looking for me, or anyone else. As dumbass as this sounds, he really isn't *that* man. He's a good man that really fucked up. And he wasn't looking for me. I wasn't looking for him either. We kind of blindsided each other.
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,146Member
    It happens.  The love of my life was legally separated when I met him.  I truly believe he didn't think there was any way his marriage would ever be resurrected, yet he neglected to tell me.  In fact, most people didn't know he was married, he never wore a ring, and all of us found out by accident.  I confronted him about an "interesting rumor" I had heard and I'm pretty sure he knew w/o my spitting it out what I had heard, but I went on to tell him.  By that time I was head over heels in love...actually, if you believe in love at first site, it was within 30 seconds of meeting him the first time.  I had resisted when everyone had told us we would be "perfect" together because I saw a picture of him, and said "uh, no, he looks like a dark haired Macauly Caulkin."
     
    then one day, he had called my dept to say a patient of a colleague was coming in and he'd meet her there.  I heard his voice behind me and turned around, it was, quite literally, all over for me.  Turns out it was pretty much the same way for him, I guess.  We were together almost 5 years, them in and out, off and on.  I finally told him he had to decide, because it wasn't just his life he was playing with, he wanted to know how I felt about him, and I just couldn't bring myself to say the words, partly because I refused to ever feel responsible for the end of his marriage and partly because I really couldn't have stood to hear if he didn't feel the same way.  That was pretty much the last time I saw him.  

    He didn't stay with her, btw.  and a part of my heart knows that some day, some where we'll meet again, we may be in our 80's, but it will happen.

    I think many, many of us have been in similar positions, I didn't get pregnant, fortunately or not depending how you look at it, it wasn't a possibility due to medical problems.  Nor would I have done so, but accidents do happen.  People stray for millions of reasons, but generally, there's a spark of unhappiness somewhere.  Maybe not even one they knew they had.  You're not a bad person, and you didn't do a "bad" thing.  Unwise, foolish, and error in judgment, yes, but what's done is done and it's time to move forward.  Yes, you do have children, and a new life for whom you need to be there.

    Trusting him will be hard.  There will always be a grain, but I think that will go both ways, so it's something that you will both have to work hard to overcome.  Time to pull on your big girl panties, hon.  Accept your mistake, forgive yourself.  If you've talked with her, and she's moved on and happy it sounds like she's forgiven you, time you give yourself the same.


    Bite me, cupcake!
  • mom_anonymous
    Posts: 8Member
    Thanks, @BellaBefana. I thought for sure that I'd be the subject of some really ugly things. It's good to know that I'm not hated by everyone...just some people. :)
  • SomeDude
    Posts: 139Member
    My Dad left my mom and went to be with the Other Woman. I didn't think it bothered me much - until I had a son. Then, when I'd think back to my Dad leaving - he wasn't doing it to me; he was (I projected) doing it to my boy. And that made me hate him a little bit. These choices have consequences that last generations.
  • deviltwinsmommadeviltwinsmomma
    Posts: 2,277Member
    look momma, i might talk a mean mess about home wreckers and what I think about "them' but honestly we can't help who we fall in love with. I have been cheated on and it still burns, that wound is still open but it's healing. I don't blame anyone but my dumbass dh because he knew exactly what he was doing. momma you are one brave woman, i will give that to you. mad muthafuck'n props.
    and you are right he needs to earn your trust, guard your trust like a new born baby. sweetie.
    my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: "Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over.
  • mom_anonymous
    Posts: 8Member
    @SomeDude I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm grateful that they didn't have kids, even if that does sound awful. I already hate myself. I couldn't bear it if I hurt a child. I just hope my own kids never know. I pray everyday that they never find out.
  • mom_anonymous
    Posts: 8Member
    Thanks, @deviltwinsmomma. You and @fatchickonabike and @BellaBefana are going to make me cry. I didn't expect any support in this. Thank you so much.
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 1,430
    I think people's reaction to your story depends on experiences they have had with infidelity. I commend you for sharing your story, but I personally disagree with anyone who chooses to continue a relationship in any way with a married person.

    I sincerely hope you are right in how well you know him, and I hope he treats you far better than he treated his first wife. Good luck.
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 3,749Member
    @mom_anonymous, there's a big difference between what you described and someone who knows their partner is married and goes ahead with it anyway. Of course, you could have stopped it when you found out, but what's done is done.

    And never come here expecting to be bashed and degraded. You will never be looked down on, only supported in your times of need, whether we agree with you or not, we are always here to lend an ear at the very least.
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,753Member
    Your kids will find out eventually. Just tell them you made a mistake. Secrets are what ruin families.
  • mom_anonymous
    Posts: 8Member
    @loveit Thankfully, they aren't old enough right now to know the difference. But I don't know how I would ever tell them.
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    It is not you who we hate. It is those who go after married men.  You didnt know, he lied and he hid it all, he knew what he was doing.   I am still hurt after 3 years after my incident happened.  She KNEW and she USED it against him every chance she got.  Not saying it is not his fault, he does share some, a lot of it.  I talked to her and she admitted it all smugly in my face exactly what she did and why.  She was PROUD of it.  You were not proud to be the other woman, it probably made you and his wife feel second best and it probably slowly destroyed you in a way. 
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,071Member
    I agree with @SomeDude but I think its different when there are children involved, its messing with a whole family. It makes things so much more complicated. Its still wrong if there aren't kids but the fallout isn't as bad.
    ~slim shady~
  • mom_anonymous
    Posts: 8Member
    @mericksmom You're right, it has destroyed a part of me. But it made me grow up quite a bit too. I was that naive little girl that believe everyone was honest and kind. That girl died. In her place is a cynical person that doesn't trust anyone and needs a bunch of therapy.
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    @mom_anonymous     Keep strong,  we are here for you.  We all will change and grow with each relationship.  If we didn't we would make the same mistakes.  HUGS. 
  • mom_anonymous
    Posts: 8Member
    @mericksmom Thanks. I really wasn't expecting any kind of support or kind words at all. Like @Grits said, this is a place for help, support and encouragement, but let's face it, I'm *her*. So, thanks. Hugs.
  • lifeisgood
    Posts: 482Member
    @mom_anonymous I divorced a serial cheater.  I blamed him.  Your situation wasn't created by your own lies.  The women I despise are the ones who feel more powerful knowing full well he's married, some even twisted enough to find it fun to smile in your face and be your 'friend' knowing all the while they are screwing around.  My ex chose married women who would be less likely to out themselves, therefore keeping his secret.  In the end, it worked in my favor because I was able to force him to leave or I WOULD tell his friend.  Yes...his friend whose wife he was screwing.  I've often thought of calling that bitch and thanking her for the ammo.  SHE knew full well what was going on. It was a game to them.  It devastated my kids ...but in the end...my kids and I are better off.   I hope you do forgive yourself and are able to have a long, happy and trustful family with him.  I also want to say I think it's awesome that you opened up to talk about it.  I hope it's the beginning of putting it to rest for you. 
  • NikkiNikki
    Posts: 1,877Member
    It was incredibly brave of you to write and post this thread. I admire that about you! Congrats on the baby boy, too :)
  • UnrestMomUnrestMom
    Posts: 92Member
    Wow....you are brave. I just wanted to say not all wives hate the other woman (women). I reached out to the first and she completely ignored me and refused to talk...all I was looking for is what he said and did so I could see if he was being truthful and therefor able to rebuild the marriage. We we're rebuilding into our second year when other woman no.2 arrived. I thanked her because I was miserable and exhausted trying to stay vigilant....she was my excuse to leave. Best wishes and enjoy the little ones.
  • insomniamom
    Posts: 53Member
    I think you are very brave to share your story with us.
    I believe you need to forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up with this immense guilt you're feeling. If you both chose to be together, then you need to take it from there. Trusting will be hard and it will take a while, but if you are sure that he is the man you want to be with, then you should give it a try.
    It is not US that hate you, at this moment YOU hate you and that's not cool.
    Your kids and your baby can sense that something is not going well even if they are too small to fully understand what happened. I don't think they need all the details, but maybe the highlights?
    I hope you two can make it work and that you give yourself the opportunity to BE happy.
  • LifeofchaosLifeofchaos
    Posts: 987Member
    If he will do it with you, he will do it to you. Do I hate you? No. You were caught in a bad situation. I cant respect a man that goes outside his marriage. He is the one that broke vows, committments, a family, and hearts. Stories like this really make me hate men. Freaking cowards!!!!!
    Sorry if this was harsh but Ive been cheated on and it sucks big time.... Feeling like you're not good enough, worthless, what could I have done? Its just horrible! And like it or not, him lying to you abt being married means you were cheated on too. Does it make it better that you "won" him? Idk? Sounds to me that in the end his wife is the one that won.
  • lovinmom
    Posts: 694Member
    I think you are very brave for sharing your story. I wish you would stop hating yourself. No it wasn't okay what happened but You can't keep beating yourself up over it. Take what you learned from this and move on. It's not going to do any good to keep bringing it up. Maybe some therapy may help you forgive yourself? Yes cheating can ruin families but I also think its how far you take it. My father cheated on my mother and left us too. Do I hold it against him? Hell no he's human. Shit happens and it can change your life for good or bad....let this change it for the better.
  • organicbabyorganicbaby
    Posts: 1,457Member
    I have never been on either side but I do not hate you. You should stop hating yourself, sometimes things just happen in a wrong way and you are not a bad person just because you did something that hurt someone. After all we are just humans.
    Personaly I would rather see my DH leaving me for another person than be unhappy by my side.
    Forgive yourself :)
  • BankMom
    Posts: 134Member
    I couldn't decide if I should comment here or not. I'll do it anyway. Let us all be happy that it's been more than a decade and I'm no longer filled with anger and bitterness because then I would just totally lose my shit :-) Time provides great perspective. Trust me when I tell you that I was flat out venomous with rage and anger at the time and sometimes I still have *that* moment where I want to be all "FUCK YOU!" but I love my life now and I wouldn't have it without my divorce. My life is amazing, my kids are amazing, my now-DH is amazing, my family is amazing and that combination kept me from sinking into a hole of depression I might not have found my way out of.
    I was the (pregnant) wife. I don't have any respect for people who are with someone that (they know) is married. No matter how much you might love someone I believe that you should run like hell when you find out they're married. I'm sure that would hurt but there are other people in the mix whether they want to be or not that might very well end up being completely devastated and you have your part in that. I'm sure if it wasn't you there simply would have been someone else but wouldn't you rather let it be someone else?
    It wasn't the other woman's fault that my ex did what he did and she is not the reason we divorced. Those were his choices (enjoy that greener grass, buddy! <-- See, there's still some snarky left in me lol) and his mistakes. We were both at fault and the choices we made at too young of an age led to the divorce. It would have happened at some point even if he hadn't cheated.
    You do realize that you aren't so amazingly special that he won't do it to you when he gets bored/mad/tired/busy/angry/horny, right? That's what she learned right after they got engaged. Yeppers, he did it to her, too. Not really shocking. Now you get to play the "who is he texting/calling/emailing/hanging-out-with" game because you would be a fool not to. You know his track record.
    I will say that the other woman has a lot of great qualities. For long complicated reasons (that are way too Jerry Springer for me to detail) I happen to know that her kids are amazing and that she is an excellent step-parent. She loves my boys and they love her, too. I am grateful for that because nobody wants a wicked stepmother :-)
    Unfortunately for her it will never erase that choice that she made. The kids don't know what went down. They might have put some stuff together due to the Jerry Springer-ness of it all but not a harsh word has ever come out of my mouth about either of them in front of the kids. I'll continue to appreciate how wonderful she is to my kids but that months-long, lying, secretive affair will always be the elephant in the room at events we attend for the kids. 
    "...and when her feet hit the floor in the morning the devil says "Oh, shit! She's awake!"
  • ZidashaZidasha
    Posts: 830Member
    I've been on both sides.  I was the other woman when I was in my very early 20's.  I was what the military calles a deployment wife.  Wasn't something I intended, we actually were just friends who were able to talk to each other about anything and everything.  It just kinda happened.  Yes I knew he was married from the start.  Toward the end of the deployment he said he would leave his wife for me.  I simply told him no because what's to say he didn't go off one day and do the same to me.  

    We are still friends.  We lost touch for a very long time and got back in touch about 2 years ago.  Right after I started dating Dh.  

    Which puts me on the cheated side.  I was living 4 1/2 hours away before moving in with him and the whole year we were apart he would lie and cheat.  Why stay?  Cause I was bound and determined to make his life a living hell like he'd done for so many other females and I honestly believed I deserved it due to the things I did when I was younger and pretty much didn't care.  I fully and whole heartily believe in Karma.

    As far as I know, since I moved here and we got married almost a year ago, he has not cheated.  He's lied about stupid things but I know him well enough to know when he's lying and I do make his life hell until he does tell the truth.  He hates being ignored and when he has service while fishing he hates when I don't pick up the phone or answer his texts.  Don't get me wrong, we are happy but he also knows I'm the only one who will not leave him nor will I put up with his shit.  It kinda works itself out.


    "I have a theory that placenta is brain matter I push out, so with each child I get dumber and dumber." ~ Unknown

  • Mommyoftwo2Mommyoftwo2
    Posts: 37Member
    I completely agree with @Lifeofchaos...I think the wife is the winner in this situation. There is no changing what is done and you have kids and yourself to think about now but relationships that start off messy like this and full of drama end the same way. I hope you find peace and resolve with the situation. Your post sounds like you are ashamed of it and want some reassurance that it is okay or will be okay. But none of us have to live it, you do. You have to have peace and move on and take it as a lesson learned for your future.
  • AnonUser27
    Posts: 1,779Guest
    I've been cheated on. I blame both of them. It's been about 5 or 6 years and the pain hasn't gone away yet. If I were to see her, I'd bash her face in. I always blame the other woman. I know in my heart of hearts both people are to blame but it's so easy to just blame the woman.
  • BookMum
    Posts: 717Member
    Props for sharing. Couldntve been easy. However love or not, girl you should have high tailed it out of there once you found out that he was married. Not necessarily for his wifes sake but because he had been flat out lying to you. And that alone should have spoken volumes about his true character. It should have been not only a red flag, but a massive road block....you didnt fall in love with him, you fell in love with this image that he created out of thin air. I do however realize that love makes women do silly things. Best of luck to all of you.
    I shall futterwacken...vigorously*
  • 3jay
    Posts: 2Member

    I myself have been in a relationship for over 8 years with a married man.  Just like yours it started out with lies. I had my first baby and had just broken off my first real "grown-up" relationship. I started a new career, had gained a lot of weight and was really unsure about the direction my life was heading in. He came right in, made me feel like everything was going to turn around in my life. We were very casual in our interactions because I did not want anything that resembled any kind of formal relationship. In turn, I ended up falling for the rebound guy.

    Firstly, when we  started dating he was not married, but casually forgot to mention the fact that he was engaged and would be married soon. We lost contact for about 6 or 8 months and we picked up right where we left off.  Dating, spending family time together  and even flirted with the idea of moving in together all while he was living a completely separate life. He did not behave as a married man he would come visit for days at a time and would even have his oldest child over for playdates.  Even when i heard "rumors" about him being married I ignored them, because the only truth I could hold onto was how could he possibly be married when he was always with me. 

     I got pregnant and that was when the whole game changed. He finally blatantly admitted he was married and he would not be having children with someone who was not his wife.  Wow. Now you are probably asking how after 8 years I am still dealing with this person. This has been far from a pleasant journey and now that we had a child togther how quickly the stakes changed! Every day it just gets harder and harder...because when I was in a relationship of ONE. He was the one. Not me, not his wife, not even his kids.  He does what he wants when he wants. But somehow i thought that if i put him at the top of my life that one day thing would turn around and he could see the sacrifices I made in my life to be with him. That I could be first in his life to.

    I am the woman who knows all his dirty little secrets and I dont like it one bit. How can I carry all his baggage and mine ?its been off and on, on and off but everyday the bullshit is the same.  I know for a fact that we have no controll over who we fall in love with...and looking at a child everyday who you adore makes matters of the heart so difficult especially when she has his face...I love him dearly but I know that there isnt a happily ever after for us because why would he leave a good financial situation (his wifes money), leave his "legitimate kids?" Never. 

    I had been fantasizing so long about him leaving her to be with me,then one day I realized i really do not want him to leave her.  And I dont want to BE her either.  But now I have him even more selfish, spoiled, and rotten from catering to his ass all these years...he simply wont go away.  I can be honest in saying im pretty weak for him but then again nothing is simple in matters of the heart.

    Thnk u for posting this. I though I was alone in this!

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