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Please Help!!! My 12 year old is so UN-EMOTIONAL!!! IM GOING NUTS!!!
  • Boriquamami75Boriquamami75
    Posts: 111Member
    I need some help you guys.  I have 2 children.  My firstborn son is 15 years and has a HUGE heart of GOLD!!!  He'd give you his last dollar if you needed it or the shirt off his back if it meant you didnt have to go without.  Now my 12 year old daughter on the other hand, can be as COLD AS ICE!!!  At first I thought it was just because she's just not social but I'm seeing now that with certain people she can play and laugh with yet she still makes a point to keep people at arms length and it breaks my heart to see her be like this.  Her father and I do not act this way nor do we behave like this with our kids...I didn't receive much affection as a kid growing up from my mother so I made it a point to be affectionate with my kids so they always knew I loved them and would always be a soft place to land if they ever needed me.  I try to hug her and her hugs back are so generic and without any feeling whatsoever.  I finally reached my breaking point today and went off on her because it's about a good 102 degrees out today and she was offered a ride by a friend today and she chose to be stubborn and turned the ride down and walked home in this dangerous heat instead of graciously accepting the ride from someone that she knew full well was a safe person.  She's so damn hard and I don't know what to do about id...it's driving me NUTS!!!  Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of behavior from a daughter of this age.  Any words of advice would be appreciated because i'm reaching a breaking point with her and I know for a fact she didn't get this from us, her parents.  Don't get me wrong, she's a good kid, good grades, good student...but she sucks in the social department and I'm of the beleif that she's an example of her us and I'm worried people think she gets this from us.
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • boring_nameboring_name
    Posts: 667Member
    Could she have some social anxiety? I seriously doubt it was anything you (parents) did or did not do. It's probably just a part of her personality. 

    Also take a look at things that have happened in her lifetime. Things you might see as minor (a friend moving away or such) may have had a larger affect than what you imagine. 

    My advice just be patient with her (as much as you can), and keep reminding her how much she is loved and supported. 
    B
  • Boriquamami75Boriquamami75
    Posts: 111Member
    @MammaTeeRoll, thank you.  I try to let her be an individual and do her own thing and that's not the issue.  It's the COLDNESS that drives me nuts!
  • Boriquamami75Boriquamami75
    Posts: 111Member
    @boring_name, thank you...I never thought that she may have an anxiety of some kind. 
  • boring_nameboring_name
    Posts: 667Member
    @Boriquamami75  No prob.

    Lucky me.. I have all of the above. I am A-OK on the computer, and I can write a very competent and clear email or letter.. but put me on a phone or in front of people and I go totally blank and often end up in tears. 
    B
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,354Member
    My 12 year old can be quite distant too. He has some friends but not many. When the kids that know him will call his name and he sometimes says hi back but often doesn't. He just doesn't notice them ! He has always been like that. For years he has told us he is " out" of hugs and would not hug me , his brother , sister ,dad, or grandparents. He has found some more and is hugging more now. He is just not that good at showing emotions. This last year has been hard. The first reaction to hearing that his sister had died was " would you have been happier if I had died instead " . Talk about a heartbreaker. Now my DS has Aspergers , not saying your DD has Aspergers I just wanted you to know I understand how annoying it can be. He might have taken the ride , but he hates being hot !
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • Charlotte_SometimesCharlotte_Sometimes
    Posts: 1,756Member
    @boring_name

    We are the anxiety family here too.   Of course my lovely mother always says I "made them" that way.  Well if that's the logic, who made me such a wreck? ;)


    I think @MammaTeeRoll  is on to something here.   I remember being told by my mother I was "cold" and how I suddenly, around age 13, didn't like affection, etc.  I can tell you I never felt like that on the inside.  I was just, well, an adolescent girl.   Our DD is not that age yet but my friend's daughter just turned 13 and I remember a year or so ago thinking she was very aloof.  The more time I spend around her though, the more I realize she is just very guarded, she's unsure of herself at this age and she tries to be very stoic and appear like nothing bothers her.   It comes across as aloofness but it's a way to protect herself.  She is just slow to warm up.  
    "But a lesson must be lived in order to be learned" Ani DiFranco, Manhole
    "Screw you guys! I'm going home." Eric Cartman
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    i remember i was so self conscious at that age, i hated ordering at restaurants and pretty much just didn't like being talked to by any adult even my family. b/c u know ur expected to behave a certain way and u feel like ur acting unnaturally, like stilted or something. i can totally understand preferring to walk alone than accept a ride and have to make excrutiating small talk the whole way. i still feel that way sometimes.
    ~slim shady~
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    @Charlotte_Sometimes yep that's exactly how i was
    ~slim shady~
  • Boriquamami75Boriquamami75
    Posts: 111Member
    Good morning all...I want to thank all of you for your generous words of advice and encouragement. I came home last night and had a good conversation with DD12 and she told me that she didn't realize she was being that way. Comes to find out that the girl whose mother offered the ride had been acting up in day camp all day and DD really had enough of her attitude and bad behavior. DD is a good kid and respectful of those in charge and the friend kept talking back and getting sassy...not cool in DD's eyes. All in all it was a good conversation and we ended it with a hug. (She hugged tight by the way) ;-) But you guys made great points...thanks again!
  • Peace
    Posts: 2,261Member
    Aww, that's great! I wouldn't have taken the ride myself. :)
    She's at a crappy age, poor kid. They're so wrapped up in themselves they're oblivious to how they appear to others.
    It's hard when two kids are such opposites. It exaggerates each's attributes. Make a point to notice everything good about her. Not in a fake way, but at least every other day she gets a heartfelt compliment. It'll do wonders for her self esteem. Good luck!
  • Sparkler999
    Posts: 5Member
    All our kids are individuals with their own personalities, I have 2 and each have different traits totally, and one is better socially with people, and the other is better with grades and self discipline. But he has horrible tact when speaking often times.

    Anyways I second what another person said, my hubby is Aspergers and he was very similar as a teen to what you describe. It comes across as cold, but really its unawareness and viewing the world differently then others do. 

    Also it can just be a teen pulling away and showing independence. Let her walk home and be hot, its her choice, and dont worry what others think, that will drive you nuts trying to make her conform to what you wish she would be. 


  • WillileeWillilee
    Posts: 1,060Member
    My DSD14 is the same way, but in her case she is just very self-possessed. Maybe that's some of your problem? DSD14 is not really emotional - she will laugh and have fun but she is extremely practical and pragmatic and not very affectionate (but I never have been either). Unusual in someone so young but DH finally convinced me to stop worrying, she is a good kid and makes good decisions.
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 6,633Member
    ok im like her in the cold sence... i am a very cold person i dont like to be touched im not affectionate i never have been... ive had casual relationships... i hug kiss and cuddle my man i dont cuddle with the kids after they turn 3.. idk its the way i am..
    mom of wild children
    going to the chapel 7/5/2014
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