Keeping secrets from hubby????
  • MistressHeidiMistressHeidi
    Posts: 984Member
    My very best girlfriend and I were having a discussion about privacy and secrets. Which lead to her saying that she never keeps secrets from her husband and that she tells him everything, including anything that I have ever told her. Which led to us discussing, well, okay, arguing, about whether or not it's okay to divulge a friends secret to your spouse. I thought it was very wrong and a bit dishonest for her to say she would keep my secrets then turn around and tell her DH. She says I'm being childish and that spouses should always be 100% completely honest with each other about EVERYTHING. While I agree with this in theory, I'm wondering if this really does extend to secrets and information about other people. Am I over reacting about this?
  • pdxmama
    Posts: 1,467Member
    Not overreacting at all imo. I'm all for 100 percent honesty in a relationship, but that doesn't need to include other people's business. It has nothing to do with either of them, so why would it even come up unless she's making a special point of sharing it with him. And why the hell would she feel compelled to do that?
  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,851Member
    You are not overreacting at all.  It's one thing to share info that involves stuff just between the couple.  But sharing very personal things regarding a friend without their permission is just not good.  If what was shared with my friend was something very personal and it were inappropriately divulged, I'd be royally pissed.  That being said, in such a situation, I might want to say to my friend beforehand that what is to be discussed stays just between the two of us.
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 10,900Member
    At the same time , how well do you know her husband ? When I was living with stbxh he would make me tell him just about everything. If I talked to a friend he would ask what we talked about. If I said " stuff" or " nothing big , just girl stuff" he would pester me until I told him. He would expect me to remember word for word what we talked about and give him a report. He did that when I talked to just about everyone, friends ( the few I had before he chased them away ) family , even people at church. So yea I told my husband everything , he wouldn't leave me alone unless I did.
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  • AKimiBAKimiB
    Posts: 1,809Member
    I tell my husband everything that concerns me, him, us, our kids, our family. Friends secrets are confidential... But if I want to discuss an element of the secret, it is done as a hypothetical instance.
    While I believe honesty is important in all relationships.... That also includes honesty and integrity in friendships too. You say you aren't going to tell anyone, you mean it.
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  • MaDhAtMoMmYMaDhAtMoMmY
    Posts: 165Member
    I don' think that not telling your DH every single detail of convos you've had with friends would count as keeping secrets.  If it doesn't involve her DH then why would he need to know?  I would be so angry and so embarrassed if I found out my bestie told her hubby what we talk about.  he has no need to know.  I don't blame you for being pissed.  How does she expect you to want to tell her anything from now on, knowing it will be shared with her man?  I'd make it clear from now on that what you say when you talk to her is for her ears only...
    I ain't afraid to love a man, I ain't afraid to shoot him either! ~ Annie Oakley

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  • justjen
    Posts: 6Member

    I don't think it has anything to do w/ being honest.  She isn't "lying" to her dh, just not telling him YOUR personal business.  I don't tell my DH much because he has a big mouth and can't keep a secret to save his life.  He also wouldn't WANT to know, he would probably run from the room covering his ears!!  LOL

  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member
    Unless what you tell her has a direct impact on your friend's relationship with her husband or would affect their life in some way, he doesn't need to know. If she insists on blabbing everything you tell her to her husband (who, of course, is not bound to keep your confidences to himself), then your conversations with her become kind of like e-mail: you may send a message to just one person, but you have no control over who that person might forward your message to. So basically, if you don't want it heard, don't say it to her. And that really sucks. Essentially she has just told you that you can't trust her to keep what you tell her confidential.
    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • Tripplus2Tripplus2
    Posts: 31Member
    I am completely honest with my husband  if it concerns our relationship or anything to do with our kids.  When it comes to my friends though, I don't tell him everything.  First of all, he probably wouldn't want to know.  It would bore him to tears.  Second, I feel like conversations I have with my friends are private. I keep their secrets and I like to think they keep mine.  There are, however, limits to what I tell certain people because I know the friends who can keep their mouths shut and the ones who can't.  I like to keep conversations with my friends separate because when I talk to my friends, I'm "me", not a mom, wife, daughter, ect...  I'm free (for a little while) to just be me and that doesn't happen to often.  
  • bendorbreak bendorbreak
    Posts: 494Member
    A 'secret' like this was actually a huge fight in my brothers marriage and it contributed to (not caused) their divorce. I found out i was pregnant and didnt want ANYONE to know yet. The only person i was ready to tell was my brother. After i told everyone else, his wife found out he knew before her and was livid. She said that he should have immediately told her and that there should be no secrets at all. (Except for her i guess cuz she lied and hid shit all the time. Shes a narcissist) My secret had nothing to do with her nor would it ever affect her. I would have been very pissed had he told her. Its been almost 4 years and she still brings it up. Back to the point, secrets are meant to be kept and your friend should know that. If she feels the need to share every bit with her husband she should have told you that first.
  • Katescrazymom
    Posts: 2,839Member
    No, a friend's spouse does not need to be told your secrets. I think anyone who gets mad about this is being childish, unless it effects the spouse's life.
  • Quietmom
    Posts: 2,986Member
    My ex BFF told her asshole husband every secret I'd ever told her who then proceeded to put ALL of it (even the down & dirty HUMILIATING shit) on twitter, Facebook & forwarded text messages. Never again. Secrets are secrets. Period. If you don't want someone to know either keep it to yourself or go somewhere like here anonymously if you must divulge!
    Like a river and a waterfall, a strong person channels their own path...
  • UnrestMomUnrestMom
    Posts: 92Member
    When I was happily married I shared my bff's secrets with my dh bc I needed to talk to someone as she was being wreckless. Well when dh became my xdh he shared those secrets with her then dh....she soon became his ex and she still hates me 4 years later :(. I never in a million years thought about the consequences.
  • SchweddyBallsSchweddyBalls
    Posts: 4,891Member
    There's a big difference in sharing/telling the hubby EVERYTHING and telling him things that are NOT his business. Things shared in CONFIDENCE should be kept PRIVATE unless there is an immediate risk to someones well being. With that said.......there's a reason why I have a FEW close friends......bitches be flappin their lips 'n shit!!!!!! [-(
    I'm the nicest person you will ever meet, UNTIL you fuck with me or the betches I love.......
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member

    There's a big difference in sharing/telling the hubby EVERYTHING and telling him things that are NOT his business. Things shared in CONFIDENCE should be kept PRIVATE unless there is an immediate risk to someones well being. With that said.......there's a reason why I have a FEW close friends......bitches be flappin their lips 'n shit!!!!!! [-(

    Yeah, I've been burned by "friends" a few times, too, which is probably why I don't have many. But I've made my peace with it. I can't change who I am at the core (an introvert).
    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • mama2tutnkcmama2tutnkc
    Posts: 1,039Member
    I had a "friend" who's dh was friends/coworkers with my dh and we all got along perfectly...weeellll I bet you can figure out how that went down the tubes.. she was telling her dh EVERY.DAMN.THING. ugh..and shit rolls downhill & she even went as far as telling her dh where I was when I decided to leave my dh (after DROPPING ME OFF& SWEARING SECRECY) he found me 30 mind later. When I confronted her she said her dh didn't think it was best that she & I be friends anymore because I wasn't a good influence. He wouldn't have known shit about me if she hadn't told him bc I hardly spoke to him other than casually. So NO, its not ok for her to tell your biz. ( sorry for ranting but this struck a nerve ) [-X
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  • ChibikoChibiko
    Posts: 3,329Member
    There are just some things that don't need to be known to others. Period.
    "We all cross over to the dark side at one point. We just all have different temptations" ~MarySunshine

    "You were the truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all" ~Death Cab for Cutie
  • MistressHeidiMistressHeidi
    Posts: 984Member
    Thanks everyone for your experiences and opinions. She and I have been friends for almost 8 years and during that time she has told me on several occasions that she tells her dh everything. she never clarified that that included every little damn thing I had ever told her. I just assumed that they had a really close great relationship and that she was very honest with him about her life and past and things. Which I think is wonderful, my xh and I did not have that type of relationship.

    I don't have many friends IRL for this reason. As far as I know she and her dh are the only ones who know a lot of these things, I have no way of knowing for sure that he hasn't said things to his friends, but I haven't heard any of my secrets coming back to bite me and she swears up and down that her dh won't tell a soul because she swore him to secrecy.

    It doesn't matter that she says he's sworn to secrecy, I still feel hurt, confused and embarrassed. If I had known she was going to tell her husband anything there are so many things I would not have told her. I honestly don't think I'll be able to trust her the way I used too and that hurts, a lot.
  • Ashdawn684Ashdawn684
    Posts: 979Member
    That would really hurt if that was my friend.  I have one that I have distanced myself from for this reason.  I want to be able to tell my friend things and know it doesnt go further, on the other hand when a friend tells me things I dont run to DH and tell him.  Now if it directly involved my family that is a given I would tell him, but not just to tell him to say that I tell him everything.  I would have to think who else does she tell everything to? Her sister, mother?
    ~Live life to the fullest, or die trying~
  • AnonUser32AnonUser32
    Posts: 793Guest
    I tell my husband the important highlights. The rest is just gossiP to him. He doesn't epect me to tell him every last detail, just the important stuff. He doesn't go through my phone, and if he did he wouldn't find anything. And I don't go through his stuff. I figure if its important hell tell me or hell eventually remember out of the blue. We both know how important each others personal space and privacy are. We may be married but we are individuals too. And if my friend tells me something that's personal I determine if its relevant to tell my husband. Usually not. And it doesn't bother him. Like I said to him its considered gossip, or female babble. And I don't care about his friends, hell tell me if something is going on but I don't press for details
    Without reason you have Rhythm and Rhyme the type of girl who knows how to have a good time... You take what you want except no for an answer... And I know first hand you're one hell of a dancer... So calling all cars and low and behold you're a real livewire with a heart of gold
  • GisleyandHank
    Posts: 300Member
    I tell my husband everything. I'm sure it's not right, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to be friends with me, but I just do. I'm the kind of person who needs to "talk it out" If something happens, I need to talk about it with SOMEBODY just so I can process it. I also assume, when I tell my friends something, that they tell their SO. Some of them do, some of them don't, but I always picture me telling their SO whatever I'm telling them. But you're absolutely entitled to your feelings. And, in all fairness, I don't have very many close friends.
  • AnonUser27
    Posts: 1,698Guest
    Oh fuck that. Not cool at all. I actually expect everything I divulge to my BFF to be confidential. If I wanted her hubby to know, I would tell him.
  • MegsueMegsue
    Posts: 1,846Member
    I would have killed her right then and there! Does she not understand the concept that she is your "friend" and you're confiding in her? If you'd wanted her DH to know you would have told him? I would not so nicely tell her to fuck off and never talk to me again, thanks for betraying my trust fucktard, and oh yeah, I'm gonna go post all your secrets you told me on my DH's FB wall, cuz we don't keep secrets between us or friends/family/random fucking people I think should know your business.

    Seriously I would not be spending any time with that woman again.
  • Live4PeaceLive4Peace
    Posts: 319Member

     

    I'm always misunderstood because the written word is the worst form of communication...you can't see me smiling =-)
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 9,474Member
    i have one secret about my ex and i dont tell anyone.... thats it..
    let them eat cake! because id rather have pie!!!
  • spattie
    Posts: 5Member
    my husband couldnt give a crap what me and my friends talk about. i do tell him some things. unless they said do not tell anyone then its fair game i say. though it could explain why he doesnt like many if any of my friends lol