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To post on FB, or not?
  • NikkiNikki
    Posts: 1,791Member

    The situation: My uncle passed away so I wrote "RIP Uncle Eddie <3" on facebook. I wasn't super close with this particular Uncle, but sad non-the-less to lose a family member.


    My question: Is it inappropriate to post something like that on facebook???


    I got an email from one of my other family members today. This person was upset that they found out via facebook that Uncle Eddie died. Specifically upset with ME for posting RIP.


    Was my (what I thought to be innocent) gesuture disrespectful or inconsiderate? Maybe it's just my generations' flaw of posting everything on the internet. I honestly didn't think twice.


    What is your opinion?

  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • CrashCrash
    Posts: 8,180Member
    I honestly think FB is a perfect venue for posting something like this. I see people post RIP messages all the time. It's a way to get the message out gently to people who you might not think of calling, distant family members, casual friends, etc.
    See ya in another life, sister!
  • shate98shate98
    Posts: 2,804Member
    I agree with @curious
    "As you wander through your life, whatever be your goal,
    keep your eye upon the doughnut, not upon the hole."
  • essgirl
    Posts: 191Member
    I would be upset if I found out via Facebook that a relative had died but maybe that's just me.
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,699Confessional Manager
    I also agree with @curious. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • GingersnapGingersnap
    Posts: 7,291Member
    Personally, I wouldn't post it within a few hours of a death. I'd like to give people a chance to get a phone call. I would probably post it the day after ... I think?

    At any rate, I don't think you did anything wrong.
    image
  • NikkiNikki
    Posts: 1,791Member

    I was with @Curious on this too. I'm just trying to be understanding of where my other family member is coming from. @essgirl can you expound upon your statement? I mean, generally I understand being upset about finding out someone passed away on facebook. But, am I supposed to apologize to this person for having been out of the loop and reading it on my page? Yes, I feel bad because I hurt their feelings, but I also don't exactly know what to say in response to their email.

  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,699Confessional Manager
    Gingersnap said:

    Personally, I wouldn't post it within a few hours of a death. I'd like to give people a chance to get a phone call. I would probably post it the day after ... I think?

    At any rate, I don't think you did anything wrong.



    I also agree with this though. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,528
    It's not your responsibility to make sure this person knew. How were you supposed to know they DIDN'T know?
    Get me a damn beer.
  • NikkiNikki
    Posts: 1,791Member
    MammaTeeRoll said:

    i would leave it for now. emotions are raw, and people overreact. wait a while. unless this is a problem family member, they will probably either apologize later, or forget about it.

    Good point. I'll probably mull over a response and write back tomorrow or in a few days.

    notsohotmomma said:

    It's not your responsibility to make sure this person knew. How were you supposed to know they DIDN'T know?

    True. But, I didn't want to assume that what I did was totally okay. So I came to my SM's for advice!! :)
  • chaosmomchaosmom
    Posts: 3,846Member
    If it wasn't for fb, I wouldn't have known about several family member's deaths until much later. That is just how my extended family communicates. Helps that none of us are extremely close.
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 3,745Member
    I definitely wouldn't call it inappropriate. Was the relative in question upset because it was so soon after, or because no one had called to let them know? I could see being upset if it was the latter, but still, it would be a case of misplaced anger unless you were the one who was supposed to notify them.
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • PhDMommyPhDMommy
    Posts: 714Member
    I don't think you did anything wrong, presuming it wasn't posted immediately after his passing.  That said I would likely be miffed if that's how I found out about a family member's death. But then again my anger would probably be directed at the person that should have told me (mom, dad, sister, etc) not you.

    In regards to the email, I would probably email back saying "I'm sorry you found out this way; I was under the impression/assumed that everyone had been told already.  And then maybe something about funeral arrangements if they've been made 
    Ts'i mahnu uterna ot twan ot geifur hingts uto.
    No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
  • jacigirl6354
    Posts: 199Member
    I totally think the other person overreacted. I don't see anything wrong with what you did and like the others have said, you had no idea the other person hadn't been told.
    I sent PRIVATE FB messages to my cousins when my Grandmother was put on hospice. My aunt was pissed because her kids all started calling wondering if they needed to come home and see Grandma...I was kind of like, "yeah, that was my point in sending them messages."
    People can get their panties a lll bunchy when it comes to death and illness :)
  • StarsStars
    Posts: 1,054Member
    Personally I don't and wouldn't post that information on my facebook. But here is why and this is me and me alone.  My sister in law posts stuff like this all the time and I just feel its all for attention.  She doesn't just say Rip she goes on and on and then actually tallies who says what back to her.  I didn't respond to her because while yes we have each other on facebook we are not particularly close. Well because I didn't comment she went to MIL and told her that I didn't give a shit and said nothing.  Caused a whole big stink but its my husbands grandma too so I expressed my sympathies to him and thought they would a) have a funeral or memorial  at which then I would express my condolences.  Well apparently they just cremated her immediately and had no services.  ( Totally weird to me) But then I was the bad guy because AGAIN because I had never said anything to either of them.  Mind you I met the woman one time way back when DH and I first started dating. Granted I perhaps should have sent a card to my MIL but I honestly just didn't think.  It wasn't out of disrespect it was just an unusual scenario to me.  Who doesn't have some kind of memorial or funeral?  Anyway I don't think what you posted was wrong per se but perhaps not thinking that while maybe you weren't close to him that others were and expect more of a tribute than a post on FB.  JMO and I hope that this comes across in the way I intended.  As advice as a friend.  :X  
    apsycho

  • nessamommynessamommy
    Posts: 671Member
    I don't feel that you were in the wrong for posting that to facebook. I can see how that person might be upset bc noone had notified them, and finding out on facebook seems a little upsetting.  People deal with grief differently. I would say give it some time, then reply back later.
    If life gives you lemons, squirt lemon juice in life's eye!
  • regpregp
    Posts: 1,018Member
    MammaTeeRoll said:

    that person is stupid. there is nothing inappropriate about what you did. they were pissed off that that was how they found out. not your problem. when there is a death in the family, people are generally wrapped up in their own greif, or working out the details for arrangements, or struggling with issues they had with that person that won't be talked out, or being a selfish ass and making it all about them, and their greif. tell the asshole in question that when they die, it can be all about them.  




    =D> I agree with @mammateeroll 100%
    I'm on the Internet Explorer!
  • BeachyBeachy
    Posts: 3,915Member
    The person that was upset with you really needs to reevaluate their own relationships within the family and think about why they were not notified in a more personal manner.
    This says nothing about you, but everything about them.
    I understand they are upset, and feel excluded, but again that falls on their famil dynamic and their family's communication.
    I don't see anything wrong with what you did, and if
    I found myself in the other persons shoes I would feel like an ass for not maintaining my relationships enough to know. So maybe that's where they are at and just lashing out at you.
    Searching for my lost shaker of salt.
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,757Administrator, Moderator
    PhDMommy said:

    I don't think you did anything wrong, presuming it wasn't posted immediately after his passing.  That said I would likely be miffed if that's how I found out about a family member's death. But then again my anger would probably be directed at the person that should have told me (mom, dad, sister, etc) not you.

    In regards to the email, I would probably email back saying "I'm sorry you found out this way; I was under the impression/assumed that everyone had been told already.  And then maybe something about funeral arrangements if they've been made 



    My thoughts exactly. 

    community-manager


  • PurpleFlowersPurpleFlowers
    Posts: 5,629Member
    A lot of times thats exactly how people find out about stuff if they are not close to their families. I just found out via FB that I have a new nephew. I dont think that you were wrong at all. Sorry for your loss @nikki
    Stay away from my chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

    I think I like who I am becoming...
  • bendorbreak bendorbreak
    Posts: 475Member
    Idk if everyone knows my situation but my daughter was still born in may. I only called my mom, my boyfriend and my best friend. Everyone else found out either by bf or mom calling them or when i posted on fb after i got home from the hospital. Thats how i communicate with people if they dont like it that way then they need to call more often.
  • Peace
    Posts: 2,080Member
    Wow, i'm way in the minority...

    I consider FB social, light, etc. I would be upset finding out about a death like that. I'm picturing signing on, seeing jokes, cute pics of kids, funny musings, then seeing a cryptic RIP & realizing it was posted by a family member about ond of my relatives.
    I think it would take anyone aback. I wouldn't do that, especially since I would have no way of knowing their relationship to the deceased. Even if they weren't close now, was it someone who was their favorite growing up? They remember holidays or vacations with him there as an special memory?

    I would wait a day minimum before I posted anything about it.
    Just something upsetting about anyone being blindsided by rip, & people "liking" it.
    And yes, this person may feel hurt by not being called & took it out on you.
    I'd call & apologize. You never meant any harm, you're sorry they were hurt.
  • OtakuHimeOtakuHime
    Posts: 357Member
    I didnt post anything about my sons death for a week after he died, and I got angry with anyone who did. I wasn't able to process it. Still haven't really, but now I post a pic of my DS10 everyday on FB and that helps me share how wonderful he was.
  • amyclarkamyclark
    Posts: 213Member
    I found out though Facebook that my Grandpa had died.  I wasn't angry with my cousin who posted it I was angry with my parents for not telling me.  Most people on my facebook are friends/family anyway, so I'm usually not too surprised by info on  there.  I mainly just use it to keep up family out of town.
  • GypsyMamaGypsyMama
    Posts: 614Member
    Is this relative older? I'm seeing that some of my older FB friends struggle with the 'breakdown' of traditional codes of communication. Our family though is all over the US so we use FB for all kinds if news. And as has been mentioned before people can react in strange ways with death.
  • many_moons_ago
    Posts: 338Member
    Peace said:

    Wow, i'm way in the minority...

    I consider FB social, light, etc. I would be upset finding out about a death like that. I'm picturing signing on, seeing jokes, cute pics of kids, funny musings, then seeing a cryptic RIP & realizing it was posted by a family member about ond of my relatives.
    I think it would take anyone aback. I wouldn't do that, especially since I would have no way of knowing their relationship to the deceased. Even if they weren't close now, was it someone who was their favorite growing up? They remember holidays or vacations with him there as an special memory?

    I would wait a day minimum before I posted anything about it.
    Just something upsetting about anyone being blindsided by rip, & people "liking" it.
    And yes, this person may feel hurt by not being called & took it out on you.
    I'd call & apologize. You never meant any harm, you're sorry they were hurt.




    I'm like this too. I don't post any personal/family stuff on FB.
  • beambeam
    Posts: 1,060Member
    I'm with @Peace and @many_moons_ago as I don't think I would announce that. Even celebrities, except MCA since the beasties and the videos he directed had had such a big impact on my life and most of my friends knew this and/or were fans too.

    BUT as far as relatives, I might write a FB email to them first ...or just announce "My uncle passed away yesterday at xxxx for those interested in attending the funeral etc..." but I feel the "rip uncle x" a bit cold.... NOT JUDGING YOU as it doesn't bother me at the least when I see others do that but I suppose I am a bit of the older generation. If one of my relatives did this it wouldn't bother me in the least - but - I have so frickin many cousins and I am one of the younger ones so the contact isn't close at all anymore. I am friends with many on FB but haven't even exchanged a hello with most... there are only a few close ones and I am super cool with that. We don't speak to them they don't speak to us - not out of hate or problems just life moves us apart from one another. So I agree with many about communication - if you wanna be in the loop then you gotta pick up a fucking phone and call people from time to time.

    Funny my SO's family is smaller and quite close but with FB, it is hilarious that I know all about the new jobs, new bf/gf of cousin's daughter and son and transfer the news onto him...

    Bascially what I'm saying - depends on the closeness of your family but for a uncle I didn't know very well I would have written something a bit more, well, a bit more than a rip if you catch my drift.
    "Magic things are fond of deceptions.” ― Tom Robbins
  • BeautifulDefianceBeautifulDefiance
    Posts: 755Member
    I agree with the masses. There was nothing inappropriate in that posting. The family member was probably just update about finding out that way. It wasn't your responsibility to inform them but they probably felt like no one bothered to tell them and that's what update them. They will calm down in a couple of days once the surprise of the loss has ebbed away some.
    I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

    SMSM_s_5

  • NikkiNikki
    Posts: 1,791Member
    My uncle was in his 80's and it wasn't a shock that he passed (still very sad though :( ). I talked it out with the person last night and we came to two understandings: 1) She overreacted to the situation because nobody contacted her about it and 2) regardless, I'll keep posts like that off my fb page.

    I'm not really close with any of my family (which is why I was pretty shocked to have gotten that email in the first place), but I do want to be sensitive to our privacy, etc. :)

    Chalk this up to another learning experience!!
  • PigeonPigeon
    Posts: 681Guest
    If it weren't for fb I'd never know what's going on with my family. They're not big on keeping in touch with each other outside of their fb pages that they can customize who sees what.
  • EverydaysablessingEverydaysablessing
    Posts: 41Member
    I'm a wussy.....I don't post anything until someone else does, I never use RIP (after my brother comitted suicide someone used it and i didn't think it was appropriate, my opinion only), and I only post something to a family member or on their page.  This way I don't run into any confrontation with someone at a time when the emotions are running into overload anyway. 
  • Newb
    Posts: 257Member
    See?  A perfect example of how Facebook is the devil, haahahahaha.  Seriously, I am glad you were able to resolve the situation, but honesly,you shouldn't let one family member dictate what you post.  He was your family member too, and you have the right to pay tribute any way you see fit.  I'm sorry about your loss.
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,726Member
    @nikki I think it was totally appropriate! -ts not your responsibility to keep anyone in the loop about your uncle, especially if you weren't close. Its a sad situation all round though, and I'm glad you were able to work it out! I'm sorry for your loss! Xx
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • tassiemum
    Posts: 18Member
    I had a situation like this happen a short time ago a friend posted an rip for an uncle who happened to be my sis in laws dad, when I called her to express my condolences and she found out how I knew she and her mother became distressed as it had only happened a few hours earlier and they hadn't had a chance to contact everyone personally, so while yep it's a great way to express yourself, I would take into account those who are close to the deceased and maybe wait awhile before posting.
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