I'm leaving my husband

chicabonita

I usually post on this site under a different name, but I made this account solely for this discussion.

H and I have been married for 4 years and together for 7. I am seriously considering leaving him, but I have no idea how to go about this. I thought maybe it would be good to get some advice/help/support from other ladies (and gentlemen) that may have been there.

I consider H to be verbally abusive although he denies it. He will yell at me and call me "stupid", "asshole", whatever right in front of the kids. Also, he has yelled at our DDs 3 and 1.5 to "shut the fuck up". He has never abused my physically and as far as I know he has never cheated on me, so I have been trying to stick it out for a long time now.

About a year and a half ago we had seriously discussed divorce and he said that he didn't want that, but if I did, then there wasn't much he could do. Only a few days after our discussion I got extremely sick. We kind of put the whole divorce thing on the back burner and he was so there for me while I was sick for a little over a year. He did still have his anger issues and did belittle me at times. But him being there to take care of me while I was sick has made me feel like I want to (or should) stay.

I feel like the verbal abuse has gotten progressively worse since I've been better. We went to a counselor once a few months back. He admitted to the counselor that he thought he should be able to control who I talk to and about what. She called me later and said how worried she was about me because of that statement.

We should probably go back to counseling, but I'm just so over him. I can only hear "I'm sorry" so many times.

So...if I do leave him, how in the Hell do I do this? Do I just leave with the kids? File for divorce and then leave? I haven't been working for the past year and a half because of my illness, but I am going back to work in September. Do I wait until I have worked for a few months and saved money?

I just have no clue what to do. I'm so scared and so sad. :(

[Deleted User]

I just want to hug you so hard! I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom, but if you are being verbally abused, GTFO! We will all help in any way we can. Is there a shelter near by for women and children?

organicbaby

I want to show my support. I do not have experience on this but I am sure that breaking a marriage is always painful and hard, expecially if he does not want it. That sentence scares me too so you should tell him when you are safely away from him and not give him the oportunity of getting his anger out on you. Just because he has not been physically abusive yet does not mean he will not be.
Buena suerte chica. Lots of hugs

meandmy243 · mom of wild children going to the chapel 7/5/2014

With my ex i packed my stuff and called my parents and moved home.. i know thats not always the option..

PurpleFlowers

I told my dh that I wanted HIM to leave. Sorry you're going thru this. Hugs mamma! >:D<

JenInHeels

I think that you should take as much money as you can get and pack up and leave while he is not at the house. Take the kids. DO NOT LEAVE THE KIDS. Do you have family or friends near that you can stay with? That would be the best choice I think. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

You should look into a TPO. From the way he has spoken to the children you MIGHT have grounds to get one against him for a week or so while you are gone getting the process started with a divorce. I would look into the TPO before you leave so that way you can have it before you leave.

This is a very scary situation for me because of the kids. It’s good that he hasn’t gotten physical with any of you yet but that could change on a dime.

NO WOMAN or CHILD deserves to be spoken to the way he has talked to you guys. You need to be your children’s advocate. They cannot speak for themselves and they cannot defend themselves. You are a strong grown woman who needs to stand up for yourself and them. Remember that any time you start to get weak.

It’s going to be a long hard and quite possibly scary road but you and your children deserve a better life.

Stay strong mommy.

chicabonita

@JenInHeels I would NEVER EVER leave the kids. I just don't know if I take them and leave if he can get me for abandonment or kidnapping or something. I just want to do this the smartest way possible. My dad owns a house about an hour and half from me, but he lives in another state with his fiancee. I think he would probably let us go stay there, but I'm wondering if I should get a job there first. I literally have zero money. He is the only one working right now.

Gingersnap

Sorry, I've no personal experience to share. I just wanted to give you a *hug*

AnonUser30

If you own your home DO NOT LEAVE it. That is how you lose your house. Get some money and call an attorney on the down low. They will tell you how to protect yourself.

Charlotte_Sometimes

PurpleFlowers said:
I told my dh that I wanted HIM to leave. Sorry you're going thru this. Hugs mamma! >:D<

Yeah that's what I did. And he took six weeks to get out and then he got weird the day he was supposed to leave, weird enough for me to feel uneasy, so I took the kids and stayed at my Grandma's house for that weekend. Then he kept calling me trying to get me to bring the kids to meet him and his parents for dinner (his parents were picking him up from out of town to take him back with them) but kept telling me I could NOT come and his parents did not want me at dinner. It was all just odd and I told him no. I didn't seriously think he'd try and take off with the kids, and he couldn't legally take my oldest son anyway since he was just his stepson, but his parents have a lot of money and it scared me enough that I refused.

When I got back to the apartment after he was gone, he'd done a number on my things, ruined my computer, took ALL the pictures of the kids (and every CD, hard drive, etc, that had pics).... and it looked like it'd been vandalized with stuff knocked over and all that.

The thing is, during the six weeks leading up to this he was cordial and seemed sad but not crazy. And I guess he kinda went crazy. So please be careful and keep yourself safe no matter how you decide to do it. People will behave in ways you wouldn't expect, and especially someone who already seems to have control issues and a tendency towards abuse (my ex fit that category as well).

pdxmama

@chicabonita I know it's hard to figure out the logistics of leaving. If I was in the same situation I would be hesitant to leave without any money too. I mean it's scary to just walk away with nothing! That being said, if you feel like there's a chance that you or your kids could be in danger then leaving as quickly as you can should be your plan of action. I know you're not working but do you have access to a bank account, credit card, anything??

undercoverbanana

haha! sooner than i thought! he went insane, and passed out..................he just upped my schedule. if you need any help, let me know, i am doing a lot of quick research myself, and will be happy to share.

organicbaby

If you have joint accounts, you have money. Go to the bank and ask for it when you are leaving.

chicabonita

We have one joint account and one account that is just in my name, but there is only like $10 in that one...lol. I don't think I could just take all of our shared money, could I?

SalllyWingo

You won't be able to take money without him knowing.

You have to make a plan. Then put it into motion. It sounds like the counselor is supportive and will assist you in any way she can. If you have family near by, involve them in your plan. If you have your own account - get your own credit card in your name too, and maybe a line of credit. Ask your family to deposit a loan into your personal account, you can always pay them back.

You will need a lot of support, legal assistance and probably police assistance. It only takes one time to be physically abusive...

Have a plan.

Dreamer

A lot really depends on where you are. In Canada, if your married or even common law, half of everything is legally yours. This includes debt.

I agree with the others. Get a plan. I did mine spur of the moment, and am sooo lucky I have the kind of family that backed me.

First thing you gotta do is talk to your fam. You need to have an idea of where your going to live. Whether its the house your in now, or another. The problem here is, the house is half his. You cant MAKE him go, you can ask, but he can legally say no..at least until a lawyer gets involved or he does physically abuse you. (at least that was my understanding, and what happened to me here in Alberta)

Money. If you can tough it out. Start saving. Squirel away what you can when you can and hide it somewhere he'll never look. Grocery shop at stores where you can take out extra $ that way if he look at the banking it just looks like food and stuff.

Its not easy.. but your not alone. Having people to talk to is so so important. They will keep you strong when you start to doubt yourself..when the what ifs, and if I just should have dones hit...

pdxmama

@chicabonita if it's a joint account you can withdrawal whatever $ you want (legally). If you try to close the account the bank might want you both to sign off, but you can take out all but 5 bucks, and there's not a damn thing he can do about it.

chicabonita

We had another espisode this morning. He yelled at me and called me a jackass. I tried to calmly tell him that it's not ok to treat me like that you call me names. His reply was, "I won't call you a jackass if you don't act like one." I was upset because I wanted to register my daughter to get a phone call from Mickey on her birthday. Her birthday is Saturday and now it's too late. She's been talking about it for weeks and now she's going to be disappointed :( But apparently to him that wasn't a good enough reason to be uspset and I'm a jackass.

I stupidly sent him a text after he left telling him that I didn't deserve to be treated this way and I wasn't going to take it anymore for my daughters' sake. I told him to pack his shit and leave. He never texted back. I should have never sent that text. But I was upset and I knew he wouldn't pick up his phone to talk to me.

We're off to church now. I will definitely be praying about this. After church I think I will call my dad and his fiancee. They are in town until Saturday. We will probably go stay there for the week.

Dreamer

Will be sending you good thoughts. I hope it all turns out well for you >:D<

WildandFree

Man oh man I really hope things work out for you. You most definitely deserve better, and I hope he or you leave for your own and your daughter's peace of mind. Good luck!

JenInHeels

One of my co-workers came from another state – this is how she got away with the kids – she packed the bare minimum up in secret and while her husband was at work she took off. She took the money out of the joint (and yes, you can take it all) and then drove 6 states to her dad’s house. He gave her a good sized loan to get an apartment and she got a job right away. She called her husband and told him where they were (I think you have to inform the other parent or else is could be kidnapping, but as long as you tell them it isn’t) and said she is divorcing him and she started the paperwork and got it done. It’s hard for her because she is now a single mother of 3 and stressed for money but she is happy that she is no longer with him.

Check with your dad and see if you can live in the house and see if maybe he can give you a loan. Another smart thing to do might be as soon as you take the money out of the joint, transfer it into your personal account – don’t just leave it hanging out or around so you can’t lose it.

HelpNeededLeaving

I am in the same boat. Yet we are not married we have been together for 9 years. I just cant take anymore, I have tried everything to make this work, now I am pregnant and the verbal abuse is getting worse, and it is done in front of the kids, and they are starting to pick up on it. I am so scared, havent worked for 6 months, my mom has a small bedroom. The thing that scares me the worst is that he recently purchased guns and has a permit to carry. I have thought and planned out to leave when hes at work, but Im scared he might shoot me or himself if I do. I thought maybe if I just took the guns and hid them in storage, but then I dont want to get in trouble wondering if its considered theft, but then I dont know what to do with them becasue he should not have them when I leave. Please any advice will help, I really believe he is a Sociopath, never shows remorse if it dont benefit him, twists everything around, hes not ok and I am terrified of how bad this is going to be, but if I dont leave its only going to tear me down more and at this point I dont know how much strength I have left

momofdbb

Is there a shelter near you that could help. There is a place called Bread and Roses here in Birmingham that helps mothers who need to escape abusive relationships with their kids. They provide security. Too. If you want you could pm me and tell me the general area you are in and I can see what is available in your area.
I would try to get rid of the ammo for the guns.

momofdbb

@Love I was wondering if you or anyoneone else would know of how we can guide her where she needs to go. I am worried about her. I could not think of who else to tag.

momofdbb

See if there is anything on here that you could use.
http://www.scarymommy.com/resources/

momofdbb

@ScaryMommy any suggestions that I don't know about ?

momofdbb

Bump

onetime

If he is not physically abusive, I would pack his shit and leave it on the front lawn- or if it would work, tell him to leave. I agree with @livinthedream, that's how you lose your house. Please keep us posted.

Samantha

1-800-952-9243 is the number for Legal Aid, they will ask some questions to see if you qualify for their services and if you do then they will refer you to a local attorney. Their business hours are crazy, they're only there a couple hours in the morning and a couple hours in the afternoon, so just keep calling until you get an answer. I agree that you need to have a plan before you leave. But I think you also need to have a safety plan for the time that you're still there. I know you said he hasn't been violent yet, but as another poster said, it only takes once. Do you have a neighbor that you trust to keep an emergency bag for you? Do you know where the exits are in each room, and how to quickly open a window if you need to escape? Do your kids know where to meet up with you if you all have to run? If you are attacked, stay out of the bathroom (it's a dead-end) and out of the kitchen (too many weapons). Just think about things so that if something were to happen, you would know how to handle it. You don't want to be stuck in a fight and freeze because you don't know what to do. Check with the prosecutor/district attorney's office about a protection order; each state has different requirements, so you may or may not qualify (in my state you wouldn't), but they should be able to give you some local resources and tell you how things actually work. Lots of love.

MorganD

My bio dad was like that. He used to tell my mom he wanted to kill me and bury me under the house so no one would find me. After that, she started putting a little bit of money back from her "grocery allowance" every week, and packed a little bit of clothing at a time everyday while he was gone to work, so he wouldn't notice. Then, while he was a work one day, she took me and my big sister, and left. She never looked back. She met my Dad (stepdad raised me, so he's my Dad) and they were perfect for each other. You can still have your happy ending. But you have to get rid of the asshole you're married to. He's no good for you or your kids. *hugs* You can do this! Stay strong!

HelpNeededLeaving

Thank you all, I do plan on getting a storage tomorrow and will slowly be putting things away while he is gone, I am getting in contact with an attorney over the TPO and the guns. And have a little money put back so far, I plan on leaving by the end of the week, so I am hoping I can take care of all this before hand. I am not in fear of him physically harming me while I am still hear, but I feel that leaving him will set him off, as long as he doesnt know until it happens will be best. With his work hours it gives me plenty of time to get things squared away while he is gone, it just the worrying about what he may do when I am gone that is bothering me. But hopefully a professional will lead me in the right direction. Thank you all it is very much appreciated

sam

good luck! i'm kind of in the same situation right now. everyone gave good advice. when you leave leave with everything that is important to you. it sounds like he might retaliate on things you left. i don't always condone this but you might want to do as much on the sly as possible. trust me on this, verbal abuse only goes so far before it escalates. and it will escalate into more. it's just a matter of time. hugs

StilettosAskew

I know this might seem kind of obvious, but I just want to make sure you're safe, so don't think it's condescending or anything: ERASE YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY. Do not stay signed in to this or other sites, and set your computer to erase the history every day. Some people are in a habit of that already, but you can never be too careful. You don't want anything to tip him off.

Good luck!

undercoverbanana

you guys TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW what is going on, so they will know to look out for you. spill your guts. you will be amazed how supportive people will be. tell your supervisor at work, so you won't have to walk out alone, and your SO's can't come in to where you work. tell your neighbors, so someone can call police for you if you can't. tell your daycare workers/kids teachers and principal so he can't pick up the kids.

call your local shelter immediately, so they can help you come up with an emergency plan, and an exit strategy.

basicmouth

A verbally abusive man, especially an ANGRY verbally abusive man who controls each area of your life will become a physically abusive man, and this I know firsthand. GET OUT. Who cares about the house. All the ladies here have given some excellent advice on quietly making arrangements with a far-away relative, letting your good friends know what's going on, etc.... Is the pastor of your church someone you can really trust? Sometimes they are helpful and sometimes they just tell you stay, stay, stay. Avoid that kind of church leadership advice. You can pray for your husband from far away in safety. It's better to be a divorce statistic than an abuse one, or a murder one. :(