The Scary Mommy Community is a place to find support and camaraderie with amazing moms who love to help one another. We are scattered all around the world, of all different colors and sizes and lifestyles, united by a single thing: motherhood.

Please create a profile to post and for access to all of boards. It's quick and completely painless!

Motherhood Comes Naturally (and other vicious lies) is available in stores, and online, NOW. Do you have it yet? Have you told all your friends and family about it? **Get it, share it, and spread the joy!**
When did I stop being "the awesome wife"
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    Once upon a time, hubby used to think I was the greatest wife ever because even though I'm buried in motherly duties & house stuff, I still cook a real dinner & make sure it's done when he gets home so he has time to eat before he goes to his other job (before kids, I could burn water & we basically lived off frozen pizzas & hamburger helper), do everything possible around the house so he has little to nothing he has to do when he's home, only turn down sex when my parts are sore from excessive use (& on those nights I still pleasure him in other ways), take care of the rabbit he just had to have even though he doesn't have time to take care of her, don't bitch about him spending money on "unnecessaries", playing video games, or going out with friends once in a while even though it takes away from what little time we do get together & I'm once again solo with the kids at home. & the list goes on! He used to practically gush about everything I do that I don't necessarily have to. But now it's like he's so used to me doing these things that the novelty has worn off & he just sees them as part of my duties as a mom/wife. Every so often he mentions that he appreciates what I do, but those words don't mean much when his actions say something very different. What he used to be pleasantly surprised that I did, he now seems surprised/irritated if I don't get to. Starting to feel like I've been too good for my own good & now it's come back to bite me.
  • lostinthewindlostinthewind
    Posts: 1,075Member
    I understand totally where you are coming from. I too am now expected to kick the worlds butt while looking like its easy. Big hugs mamma
  • ChristyJChristyJ
    Posts: 883Member

    I will tell you, you are a good wife and deserve all of the love and accolades that deserves.


    That being said, don't you dare let my husband know you do all of that.  Before we married I told him it would be a cold day in hell before I served on him. 

    Imperfect and proud of it.
  • organicbabyorganicbaby
    Posts: 1,489Member
    There is always time to not be as good for a while so he gets it again. Have you talked to him? Maybe a "I feel like a maid" or "let me get to my unpaid maid job" thrown here and there will get to him.
  • MorganD
    Posts: 3,451Member
    You're still the awesome wife. He just morphed into an unappreciative douche. It sucks, but it's true. SO and I split house and kid duties when he's home from his internship. We are each others best friend. We don't go hang out with other people. We feel lucky enough that we get to hang out with each other uninterrupted. :)
  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,716Member

    dh and i ahve been in the middle of this battle for about a month or so. i SAH and he works. i watch 2 kids plus our 2, 5 days a week. that means me, a 4 year old, a 3 1/2 year old, a just turned 3 year old, and a 5 month old in a 750 sqft apt. i do all the cooking, all the cleaning, ect. dh is also on this health kick which means he wants to drink smoothies for breakfast. he is a disaster in the kitch and cannot clean up after himself so i do all of those. the only thing he does for 'me' is bring me coffee in bed in the morning. his other chore is take out the trash but lets be real, i do that too.

    i fee lyour pain....

    we got the house!!!!! i have worked so hard for 5 years to get us in a spot to buy! isnt it cute?!?!?!?
  • OnmylastnerveOnmylastnerve
    Posts: 1,648Member
    @seamstressj when was the last time you got to go out and have a good time? I think it well over due!!! I'll take you!
    not my chair, not my problem
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    I try to cut him a little slack because on most days (that we call marathon days) He works from 7:30 am to 4:30 pm at his full time job (with an hour for lunch), comes home for dinner, then has to leave for his part time job by about 5:30 & gets to finally come home for the night at 10pm. That's a pretty full schedule, so I knew going into it I'd pretty much be responsible for everything else because he basically has time to eat & freshen up & then it's back out the door (or to bed). Because of this crazy work schedule, I completely agreed that I should do my best to keep up with the other stuff that needs to be done, it's just the "extras" that I've done as a nice gesture, or he's asked me to do when time was particularly tight that eventually somehow became my job, that I have a problem with. I pretty much boil it down to him forgetting just how much I already do since he's not here to see me in action. Back when getting things done was hit or miss, he aways knew what I did or attempted to do because every day had a different success level. Now that I consistantly keep the to-do list in check, he seems to forget just how much is on it!
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    @onmylastnerve Once in a while we con my mom & step dad into watching the gremlins so me & hubby can do something on his day off, but other than that, I've never been kid free! Lol! But that would be awesome! :D
  • OnmylastnerveOnmylastnerve
    Posts: 1,648Member
    I live in Hibbing now so we both need to find a sitter and we can go have a drink or even go see magic mike :D
    not my chair, not my problem
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    Woohoo! I've always thought it would be cool to actually meet another sm, haha! We're gonna see if my mom will take the kids this weekend so we can go shooting or something for hubby's b-day, so it might be a little while before she's ready to take em on again after that, but I'll have to see what I can do! (& at this point she's the only one we trust to babysit, so our opportunities to be kid free are pretty few & far between) We've been trying to have friends that are also couples with kids so a babysitter isn't mandatory for us to hang out with them, but that's been easier said than done so far, lol!
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 6,357Member
    My bf has to do his part of the housework or i wont do shit... i cook and clean all i ask is that ge gathers laundry empty the dishwasher and take out the trash and pick up after himself abd his kid.. we share dog responcibilities cause thats our child.. im fixed..
    mom of wild children
    going to the chapel 7/5/2014
  • iamslowlygoingcrazy
    Posts: 145Member
    I think it's human nature to take things for granted when we've had them for a while.  Maybe just "forget" to do some of these things and he'll see that low and behold it wasn't a cleaning fairy that showed up after all  >:)
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    Haha, definitely! I think the only time he remembers I can't just wave my magic wand & have everything be done is when my ms is acting up & it's all I can do to make some sort of dinner & keep the kids alive, lol!
  • OnmylastnerveOnmylastnerve
    Posts: 1,648Member
    @seamstressj I just had a bad experience with a babysitter so I now my sil @savinggrace is watching my monster while I work. It'll be a while till I'll be kid free too but ya know play dates work good for me too till we can get a night out and we can get savinggrace and her kiddos to come with I think our kids are about the same age
    not my chair, not my problem
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    Even better! :D (Mine are 4 & 1)
  • SaraSara
    Posts: 1,037Member
    I think it is called setting a precedent. Whether it is doing extras all the time to be helpful/loving or saying yes every time a kid asks for a popsicle, they come to expect it. When you don't do the extra or say no to a popsicle it is suddenly a big deal because "you always did before". It becomes an expectation not an apprecation.
    Think of your problems as challenges to overcome not obstacles to be avoided.
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    @Sara Ain't that the truth! Haha! Just to clarify a little (when I read back on this thread it sounded a little more extreme than I meant it to, haha), I'm not looking for him to throw me a parade every time I do the dishes or anything like that, all I want is for him to not act like I didn't do a damn thing all day if there's a thing or 2 I didn't get to, act like I let the kids do whatever they want if they're being a little rowdy at the time, just overreacting in general. He doesn't do this every day by any means, (it seems to be most common on the days he's actually home long enough to be thoroughly annoyed by the kids) but when he does, he goes extreme enough to make me want to do very mean things to him! >:)
  • mami_of_3mami_of_3
    Posts: 163Member
    @seamstressJ I understood it perfectly ;) And they do get used to it and then it's not appreciated anymore but expected. I have the same problem here hun. Just remind him(by example) that you choose to do the extras, you don't have to
    If you change their diaper, they will immediately poop in the new one.
    If you mop the floor, they will spill something.
    If you put on fresh socks, you will immediately step on whatever was spilled.
    If you're tired, they will not be.
    If you love them, you will see the beauty in it all.
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    Sometimes I swear that man comes on here! Lol! (though if he does, so far it's been a good thing!) when we were eating dinner he said "I looooove yenny's (that's one of his names for me) parmesan chicken!" hhahaha :D
  • gamommiegamommie
    Posts: 348Member
    Just gonna say I understand how you feel. And you are amazing!!
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    Thanks much @gamommie :D
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    Men forget and then they dont realize it...   It is how they get when they are used to being pampered.  SIGH.  I was the wife that took him to work, cooked lunch and brought it to him at work and picked him up and started cooking dinner as soon as we came home to a clean house with a kiddo.  I got over it and slowly stopped it until he makes me happy where I then feel like he has earned the treat of lunch at work and what not.   HUGS
  • GrainneGrainne
    Posts: 863Member
    We just went through something similar. I work 4 days a week and see that fair trade I do more at home.y DH one night was being a bit too much on the "encouraging" me to go back to 5 days a week as we could use the money. I was really getting
    The sense he really wanted me to Rather than argue let it go. Then next day emailed him at work saying i understood his frustration anout money and it felt like the work i do at home is not as valuable then listed out how much I would bring home the cost average for a house cleaner and then listed out all the stuff I do on my day "off" with the point that we would need to figure out how to divide it up as I would not be able to keep it all up if working 5 days a week. No response all day. In the car on the way home few mins in he says I read your email and obviously I agree it makes better sense for you to work 4 days a week. SWEET moment. Was hard not to laugh. I think it scared him thinking of how much more he would have to do and we would only gain after it all about another 2 to 3 hundred month. Lmao.
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    I always think of how awesome it would be if sahms/wives got paid what nannies, maids, etc do, we'd be rich!
  • twinmommy2004
    Posts: 252Member

    I have a coaster that says 'Nobody notices what I do around here...until I don't do it"


    Sometimes hubbies are just not very good at expressing how much they appreciate you. 


    So you have to remind them :)

    the secret to happiness is not getting what you want, it's wanting what you get
  • seamstressJ
    Posts: 724Member
    For now, I just decided that I'm gonna give myself yesterday & today "off" & only do what absolutely has to be done. I refer to these days as "fuck-it days", but rarely take one, let alone 2 because it just gives me that much more to do the next day! Hahaha 8-}
Add a Comment