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1st Boyfriend -- UPDATE
  • GirdyOleeGirdyOlee
    Posts: 427Member
    UPDATE: They broke up. Thanks to her Bff's older sister (who is the same age as this boy) my daughter found out he cheated on her. As in... had SEX with some other girl. I'm so proud of my daughter for confronting him, calling him on his bullshit, and walking away with her chin up. As crazy as she makes me, I couldn't BE more proud of her.

    So, for awhile I thought DD might wind up being gay.  Which would have been just fine with me, because I'll love my kids no matter what their sexual preference is.  Her two best friends are gay.  One is a boy, one is a girl. No big deal.  I did tell her that if she's going to be straight, she needs to make at least a couple of straight friends.

    Then, this weekend she goes and meets a BOY at the mall.  The gay girlfriend introduced her to a boy that's 16.  She turns 14 in October, so I decided it's not a big deal.  Meanwhile,  DH has decided I might as well have sold her to a band of gypsies to be married off and start squirting out babies.

    I figure if I forbid her from having a boyfriend, or tell her she can't see him because he's older, she'll start sneaking around, and lying to me.  I raised her with a good head on her shoulders, and I TRUST her.  Do I trust the 16 year-old boy?  HELL NO.  That being said, when I was a teenager, the more my mom told me I couldn't do... the more I lied and snuck around to do those things. 

    So... am I doing this wrong??? 
  • PurpleFlowersPurpleFlowers
    Posts: 5,629Member
    Nope, It sounds like a good plan. I was the same way growing up... You tell me no, Ill do it even more. Damn teenagers! lol
    Edit: I have the 16 year old boy, you are right not to trust him!!
    Stay away from my chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

    I think I like who I am becoming...
  • AnonUser27
    Posts: 1,742Guest
    Why did you think she was gay?
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,528
    As long as you keep the lines of communication open and strong, and make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything, everything will be fine!
    Get me a damn beer.
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,699Confessional Manager
    notsohotmomma said:

    As long as you keep the lines of communication open and strong, and make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything, everything will be fine!



    I agree!

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 3,745Member
    unforgiven said:

    notsohotmomma said:

    As long as you keep the lines of communication open and strong, and make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything, everything will be fine!



    I agree!


    Me, too! My parents were smart about this, too. I think the fact that they did allow me to do stuff like this kept me out of potential trouble. No in teen-ese translates to "See if you can get away with it." Good on you, momma!
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 4,234Member
    I think you're spot on here. I also had an older boyfriend, who I was forbidden to see. ya, ok. I did exactly what I wanted to do, and saw him anyhow.
    Judgement comes in many forms but never scarce or shy
  • blkrosemommablkrosemomma
    Posts: 296Member
    Trust them until they give you a reason not to. Kind of the way kids work. Although when you meet said boy it's not out of question to mention something a long the lines of that's my baby and I will kill you if you hurt her.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 7,727Member
    been there. make him welcome at YOUR HOME so you can keep an eye on them. even if you don't like him. ESPECIALLY IF you don't like him. because if you disapprove of him, she will find him that much more attractive. make him part of the family--invite him to dinner, cookouts, etc. if he has bad intentions, he will run screaming. if he doesn't have bad intentions, you can keep a better eye on them in your home than elsewhere. kissing and hugging aren't going to get terribly far when someone may walk in the living room/kitchen at any minute. get my drift?
    i'm nekkid.
  • GirdyOleeGirdyOlee
    Posts: 427Member
    Thanks for the validation, ladies! @Grits, @blkrosemomma, @Katz_meow, @unforgiven, @notsohotmomma

    @MassHysteria, I'm not sure why I got the feeling she was gay. Maybe because she just never showed ANY interest in boys, ever, up until recently? Maybe because her bff came out, and since they spent so much time together I just assumed? Plus there was her facebook... it said her relationship status was "married" to her bff. I never had an issue with it, and whenever I asked her about it she would get super defensive. I didn't want to pressure her into deciding her sexuality, ya know? I just figured when the time came, I would know the truth.

    @undercoverbanana, very VERY good idea!!!

    @PurpleFlowers, lol! At least you're woman enough to admit it!!!
  • Rawrchu
    Posts: 516Member
    Same philosophy I used. :)

    Also, as for the FB marriage status thing, it seems like "all" of the girls are doing that these days. 
  • GirdyOleeGirdyOlee
    Posts: 427Member
    @rawrchu, that's exactly what she told me about the whole facebook thing. I suggested she change it... you know, since her bff actually IS gay... so people wouldn't get the wrong idea. She took my advice and changed it. At last check she hasn't changed het relationship status to dating this new boy, but HE has changed his. Gotta love being able to facebook stalk your teens!!!
  • Rawrchu
    Posts: 516Member
    I just love FB stalking, period. LOL  Funny that he's already changed his status! WOW!  
  • littlebitz
    Posts: 123Member
    Ok my super super strict dad is now advising his children not to be too strict because the kids end up too rebellious. Dad wouldn't even let us date when we lived at home! He advised this to DH's best bud who was super strict with his daughter. He wouldn't even let her BFfl come hang out and watch a movie with the family. Well Dad is always right...buddie's daughter snuck around and got pregnant at 16. She is 19 now and pg with her second kid, different guy. My own DD is only 6 but hopefully I will find a balance of not too strict and not too lax.
  • GirdyOleeGirdyOlee
    Posts: 427Member
    Yikes! There's definitely a fine line... If I ever figure it out, I'll die a happy woman. The thought of her winding up preggers... well, it scares the shit outta me!
  • lostinthewindlostinthewind
    Posts: 1,060Member
    Plus there was her facebook... it said her relationship status was "married" to her bff

    I always call my bff my wifey..... now yes we get crazy looks and lots of questions, but I consider her to be my other lifemate the one that I have no secrets from and that sees the deepest darkest depths of my soul and still loves me for it anyway. A woman closer than a husband or a sister. One that I will run to the ends of the earth for, fight with, cry with, but mostly love and laugh with. That is my wifey. Maybe she feels the same for her bff????

  • GirdyOleeGirdyOlee
    Posts: 427Member
    @lostinthewind... Maybe.  They've been friends since they were little.  I don't know that their relationship is quite as strong as you and your bff's.  Her's can be a little flaky at times.  I contribute that to their age, though.  My daughter's bff has a pretty serious girlfriend, so she keeps bailing out on stuff they've planned, to go hang with her girlfriend.  (Confusing, I know)  Either way, it's a learning time for all of us, for sure!
  • sunnymommasunnymomma
    Posts: 2,243Member
    I thought the same things when my DD15 was 13 almost 14 and a 17 yr old wanted to be her boyfriend. I couldnt say no, forbid all that stuff for the same reasons you stated. so I let it go on, limited her free time(hehehehe) and boy what do you know 2 weeks after dating began they broke up. phew all that panic for nothing. 
    “There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
    ― John Lennon
  • GirdyOleeGirdyOlee
    Posts: 427Member
    @sunnymomma, good point! I'd hate to see her get her heart broken, but I guess that's just part of it, too!

    "We don't harm the heartbreakers", will hafta be my new mantra, though. So I don't hunt down the boys that hurt her!
  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,164Member
    If I have a girl, my plan is to buy them a horse.  That's what kept me outta boy trouble till I was 18.  May cost a few hundred a month but I think it was worth my mom's sanity in the end.  I didn't have time for boys, I was too busy cleaning stalls and riding.  Besides, most of them were scared of my horse anyways, the wimps! 

    When a boy did come along (cowboy, OH NO! Mom couldn't have avoided that forever) my mom accepted him and welcomed him to all our family outtings.  I didn't even know she couldn't stand his guts until he was long gone and I was around 23 or so when it was brought up randomly.  
  • GirdyOleeGirdyOlee
    Posts: 427Member
    That's a good idea!  @TorturedbyTWINS
  • sunnymommasunnymomma
    Posts: 2,243Member
    @tourturedbyTWINS you got a horse and a cowboy??? thats my dream!! lucky girl!!
    “There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
    ― John Lennon
  • sunnymommasunnymomma
    Posts: 2,243Member
    @girdyolee I did scare him a little by asking what a 17 year old wanted with a 14 yr old. That may have spead up the process a bit. SInce him there have been many others. My DD doesnt take no shit from no man!!! momma done raised her right!!! None of them last more than a couple months. 
    “There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
    ― John Lennon
  • GirdyOleeGirdyOlee
    Posts: 427Member
    Lol @ sunnymomma!!!  Love it!  I think when she introduces me to him, I will be asking the very same question!!! 
    >:)
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 7,727Member
    my dd has a couple friends who were undecided (as far as their sexuality) when they were younger.....and dd didn't have a boyfriend until she was 16. maybe there just wasn't anyone who met her criteria until recently?
    i'm nekkid.
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,074Member
    Growing up one of my friends had their older boyfriend move in with them. I knew that was a bad idea !! She was 16 he was 19 and her mom actually thought they would NEVER do anything !! Yea , she was 16 when her girl was born. He left before the pee stick was dry !!
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • BeachyBeachy
    Posts: 3,915Member
    I am going to invent a modern chastity belt. Flexible, comfortable, and more secure than Fort Knox!
    Searching for my lost shaker of salt.
  • GirdyOleeGirdyOlee
    Posts: 427Member
    @undercoverbanana... that's my guess. She's got better priorities than I did at that age, thank God!

    @momofdbb, omg. That poor girl. Gotta wonder why her mother was that naive!

    @beachy, can I get on the list for that!?! I still have DD3 to get through puberty!!!
  • BeachyBeachy
    Posts: 3,915Member
    @girdyolee, you will be client number one!
    Searching for my lost shaker of salt.
  • GirdyOleeGirdyOlee
    Posts: 427Member
    Yay!!! :D
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,074Member
    I felt sorry for everyone involved except the guy , he was a jerk ! Less than a year after the baby was born my friends mom died . She had a blood clot to the base of her spine. There one second gone the next . My friend moved in with an aunt with the little girl then left the girl to be raised by the aunt. I lost track of her when she left the baby. I know she was young but still I could not have done that. Cute little girl , redheadded.
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • GirdyOleeGirdyOlee
    Posts: 427Member
    Well, @momofdbb... let's just hope she actually did what was best for that sweet little redhead. Hopefully the aunt will raise a good, SMART young lady. :)
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,074Member
    I hope so , she was a wonderful lady I'm sure she did. :)
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,528
    Good for your DD! Boys..ugh.
    Get me a damn beer.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 7,727Member
    Good for your dd. Its a fine balance between not exactly encouraging, informing and educating, and being supportive and realistic. A really fine balance. Just be sure that she can come to you and talk about anything. Even if you are not happy about what's coming out of her mouth. At that age, its hard to talk to your parents about basic stuff because they are already so self conscious. I found it was easier to talk to my daughter about things if I handled it like she wasn't my daughter, but another kid I had known forever, who trusted me. Gave her all the facts, told her I i thought she needed to know, and then stated my feelings about it, and what I wished for her. Just about killed me sometimes. but if your kids can't talk to you or trust you, you might as well play Russian roulette every time they walk out the door, or have a friend over.
    i'm nekkid.
  • GirdyOleeGirdyOlee
    Posts: 427Member
    @undercoverbanana, I agree 1000%! That's a great approach, too! Thanks! :-*
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