I will try to make this as short as possible given the not so simple matter of it all.

I may have mentioned in other threads but I have a 5 yo special needs dd.

It started when she was 7 months old and had her first seizure... Nov 2nd 2007. She went in the hospital for overnight observation and they blew it all off as a fluke and two weeks later, she had 75 grand mals in one day and had to be put on a ventilator after which she was in the ICU almost 2 weeks. Heartbreaking to say the least, it always is when they're sweet little babies.

There were a couple times in her first two years of life we almost lost her and I wasn't about to 'let' that happen. Yeah, yeah, like I had a choice but alas, I couldn't let her go. I wanted my little girl to live. No matter how bad it was I said. Boy, did I not know what I was in for.

She met most all her developmental milestones in her first four years of
life, but by age three it was apparent that she was indeed 'special'. Handicap. Not unique, not one of a kind but what the kids back in the day would call 'short yellow school bus special'. After I lost my 'normal' child, life became hell from there. There's just no 'reasoning' with K. on her IQ test, she scored 55. "Mental retardation/cognitive delay.' Call it what you will.

I am at a point now where I get NO enjoyment out of being her mother, heaven help me! Please try not to judge.. Let me explain a bit about K. She acts sometimes downright nasty. Will strip naked in front of people, masturbate and yes, I don't think it's okay to do with people present! I don't want to see that nor does anyone else!! She had 6 months where she was potty trained. I didn't once need to buy a diaper or pull up, even for bed! Over a year later, she almost never uses the toliet. She goes through more pull-ups than my two ds ages 6 months and 2.5 yrs combined go through in diapers. A 5 year old's shit is goddamned foul. No shit is roses, no matter the age, but the older they get, the more plentiful and foul the shit is. Part of me wonders if she does it out of rebellion?

She refuses to keep on shoes. I get shit all the time from her busdriver about how she behaves on the bus as she does this on the bu, the shoe thing. My dd is a pain in the ass and would make the Dalai Lama want to kick a kitten so I can see why those not close to her would feel the way they do.

I can't take her anywhere unless one of my teens or another adult is with me. Just Monday we were at a friend's house in the backyard and my dh was there as well with all of our little one's and my friend's little ones. K just took off, FAST! Wouldn't stop running despite our screams. My dh ran after her but couldn't catch up. She disappeared. My friend had me stay with our little ones and took off on her bike to help dh. K just randomly went into a house and luckily some man saw and knew who they were after. Thankfully the woman in the house was good natured and even laughed but what if that hadn't been the case?

Her temper...OMG.. When she gets upset, she charges after the 2 yo and has started now on the baby and despite punishments, will repeat the same stuff. We protect the little ones don't think otherwise but she has taken to doing that at school as well.

The things she does sometimes..so senseless!! She loves to take things and hide them. Things like my breast pump, the remotes for the t.v. If you're working on a project and god forbid have to leave the room, you better hide your supplies up your ass or she'll take them and hide them. One time she kicked over my computer and broke it during a fit and needless to say, I was less than pleased. She finds ways to get to bags of food, dumps it out. Boxes of cereal and stuff like that. I hate feeling like I have to be on guard with her 24/7. If I have the stove on, she'll try to mess with the fire. I mean, there's NO relaxing around this kid!

During a tantrum once, she ran in the kitchen and took a pot of hotdogs off of the stove and threw it across the kitchen. Today was my breaking point...I was driven to thinking I wanted to just take all of my kids except for her and leave her with dh since we don't have much of a marriage left anyways. She has to be up his ass 24/7. He can't even go shit without her busting in on him saying "Day day (her way of saying daddy). Guess I can't blame her as he clearly loves her and has more patience. But anyways, I made my ds's baby food and made tons of batches and put some in the back of the fridge so she wouldn't get them (she's obsessed with his food, even has to eat some while he's eating his) and I go to the living room to sit down and nurse ds, and the kitchen was quiet. She took the batches I had in the fridge and just mindlessly dumped them all over the place! They say she's cognitively at 18-24 mons of age but none of my kids that I've had that age ever acted THAT bad!

Here's another example; she SCREAMS merely brusing and washing her hair and has this disgusting ass shirt she wants to wear ALL the time. Once I had her all dressed for the bus and she took her outfit off and hid it and put that fucking shirt I'd like to burn on instead, and I didn't have the truck that day, she missed the bus and school so she was in the house ALL day acting as great as she does..*sarcasm* And her teacher tried she say she does NOT have sensory issues? Ooookkkay.

One more example the other day was I HAD to take her to the store alone( teens visiting dad, dh was working) with the 2 little guys because there were somethings I needed to pick up and I had to have her on a harness (judge all you want, I only have two hands) and she SCREAMED the whole time and was hysterical. My heart was in my throat and I had chest pains after the whole ordeal.

She says only a handful of words and her voice is not audible. Sounds like she's talking with a mouthful of marbles despite speech therapy.

So, is this going to be the rest of my life? If so, I don't see what the purpose is. If anyone can relate and give me some advice, PLEASE help!