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Where were the right words for my daughter, who today started her period?
  • wornoutworkingmomwornoutworkingmom
    Posts: 4Member
    She came to me crying, "It's happened, Mommy" and I pretended not to know what she was talking about. I wanted to treat it as important, but not overly dramatic. This crying was not a good start. After getting her cleaned up and equipped with a pad, we settled in for a talk. I thought it was going pretty well until she asked for her teddy. This dear child will be 11 in 3 weeks, and her body is developing much faster than her mind. 

    About 9 months ago, the pediatrician had prepared us that she could start menses at any time. I travel on business regularly and was worried that the big day would happen while I was away. So we had a talk during which I pointed her to the appropriate part of book purchased for this purpose, and she practiced putting on a pad. I made a "kit" for her with a few pads to use in case I was not home when she needed them. We tucked the kit away for when it would be needed.

    Also in that kit was a letter from me. At the time, I thought it was spot-on; just the right mix of maternal warmth, thoughtful comments on becoming a woman, and practical advice. I sent her to get our kit today, and upon re-reading the letter, it seemed lame at best and more likely off-message. Because, see, she doesn't want to become a woman. "Mom, I'm just 10 - I shouldn't have to deal with this until I'm older."

    Today, while I was trying to come up with the right words of wisdom and humor to make this a special moment, she was worried about getting through her day. How would she carry a couple pads around during the school day? Would her friends see her carrying something into the bathroom?  What if the teacher didn't let her go to the bathroom? How could she discreetly get her supplies from her locker? She is wrestling with the practical, and unable to hear anything more lofty from Mom.

    The last element of the kit was a chocolate bar. I tried to explain how chocolate truly helps at that time of the month, but she didn't really get it until I helped her remember the Harry Potter world's use of chocolate to recover from Dementors. Is getting one's period worse than an attack by Dementors?

    We ate the chocolate together. And I forgot to worry about saying the right thing. Perhaps it didn't matter so much what I said or didn't say at that moment. The conversation started with tears and ended with laughter. This is good. Of course, she was still hugging her teddy bear. 

    So, Scary Mommies, what are the right words?
  • BlessieBlessie
    Posts: 1,496Member
    Having her period doesn't magically make her "older". She is still10. I think we brace our selfs so firmly for this personally, because we know what's coming. But she is still the little girl she was yesterday, who needs her teddy and her mom. But you know what? I think just in her aknowledgement of her feelings of not being ready, she is actually showing a lot of maturity, as well as asking the "practical" questions. Just keep in mind, she is still your little girl. I think you did just fine. She felt and still feels comfortable talking to you. This is one of the hardest things.
  • pdxmama
    Posts: 1,470Member
    Sounds to me like you did just fine mama! My grandma never even told my mom about menstruation, and like me she started at 10. So my poor mom went in to use the bathroom one day, and thought she must be dying! My gram was very young when she had my mom, and it was a different time then. It wasn't something people discussed I guess. My mom still remembers how freaked out and horrible her experience was, so she made sure I was well informed by the time I was 8 or 9.
  • AnonUser33
    Posts: 743Guest
    I think you did a great job. I know when my daughter started it was much harder for me than it was for her. She will adjust quickly. So will you. Great job on the kit, what a great idea, especially the chocolate bar. My daughter wanted a cake like the girl in the movie she watched at school. We opted for an ice cream instead. I have 3 older sisters and none of them or our mother talked to me about periods. I was also not allowed to take sex ed in school. I was a month shy of 15 when I started, it was the day before 9th grade, I was out for dinner with my mom and siblings and my best friend, her mom and brother. I hid in the bathroom til time to go home then called my dad 1500 miles away for advice. he called my mom and told her. It was awful.
  • Fedupmommy17
    Posts: 11Member
    I think you did an awesome job! You were there for your daughter and that's what matters most. That's more than I can say for my mom. She wasn't the warm mother who you came to for anything really. I had to teach myself how to use a pad and a tampon. Your dd will grow up knowing she can always fall back on you or come to you for advice and that's what is most important. My dd is only 4 months old but when this day comes I hope to be as supportive as you.
  • TheHeadacheslayer
    Posts: 2,752Member
    I think you did awesome, and there is no "right" way to deal with it. Our daughters start at different ages, have different personalities, and it's the idea you respect their emotions is what is the most important.

    I'd already had pads for her (we use cloth--tho she uses organic at school...honestly organic/cloth are awesome). A small makeup bag is great for "hiding" what's in there.

    I got my daughter a goddess pendant to celebrate the change in her body. But that was it. We commiserate on cramps (I get her natural cramp tincture which is amazeballs). It's just a non-issue, a part of life, growing up.

    Good job mama, oh the hormones.....the mood swings are the only downside to having a girl!
  • AKimiBAKimiB
    Posts: 1,812Member
    Oh gosh, where were you when I was 8 and had no idea what was going on?!?
    I hadn't had the education yet and I thought I was bleeding to death.
    I could have used some chocolate.

    I think you did a great job, above and beyond! There really isn't much more to say than what you already did.
    Maybe some purse shopping for you and your new little woman?
    SMSM_s_5 photo SMSM_s_5_zps5d122d86.jpg
  • OxiMOMOxiMOM
    Posts: 3,055Member
    I think you did a great job! My mom gave me the talk and info at around 7( I asked about sex 3 days later I learned way too much). I was at boarding school and started my period on a Friday on the way home I was 8 years old! I should have been going camping with the dorm that weekend but it was canceled. I was the only girl in my dorm who had my period too. Mom got me pads that weekend no big deal. When I went back to school that Sunday night, one of my favorite teachers came in to me. She had a stash of chocolate for me a desk calendar some pens and some body spray/perfume. Guess my mom told her before she left from dropping me off. My teacher ate chocolate with me taught me how to track my period and gave me the body spray as a gift for hitting a major mile stone. Love that teacher because of that. She didn't make it akward at all even would check to make sure I had enough pads every few weeks or would bring extras on weekend trips just in case. I still talk to her too and she was totally supportive during my first pregnancy.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 7,878Member
    You did just fine. Just dont forget the ugly days, the fat days, and the munchie days. I got my dd a pretty little bag for her emergency kit stocked with pads, tampons,Advil, Midol, zit cream, lip gloss, and Hershey's kisses.
    i'm nekkid.
  • katniss
    Posts: 172Member
    Just being there for her means a lot. I remember when I got mine. My mom had moved across country and my sister was away at college. I called my mom to ask her how to deal with it and of course she told my dad. He tried to comfort me by saying "this why your big sister acts like such a bitch sometimes". It was awful to say the least. I would have loved to have my sister or mom around to provide any sort of comfort. My point is, there may not be a perfect right way to deal with this situation, but there are obvious wrong ways and I don't think you handled it poorly.
  • regpregp
    Posts: 1,042Member
    Awesome job Mama!
    I'm bracing myself for the same. In fact, DD11 said when we arrived at school this morning "well, I made it all summer without getting my period!" I started mine the week before 6th grade. 
    She is well prepared, we've been open and talked about it for several years now. I need to make her a kit though, that's a great idea. In case she is at her dad's house when she starts.

    Here's a funny for you. Last year she said she really wished she didn't have to get her period "every year". I LOL'd then told her it's every MONTH. She was not amused.
    I'm on the Internet Explorer!
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,708Member
    Sounds like you did great!  I'm tucking this away for a while (thank God since mine's only 3), but my  mom certainly didn't go to that much trouble when I was ten!  Fortunately, all those "health" movies and crap (which is exactly what they were in the early 70's) had already been done so I was completely clueless.

    Come to think of it, I never got the "talk" until I was about 16 and my mother thought I was doing things I shouldn't be and told me to get on the pill...
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • MarySunshineMarySunshine
    Posts: 5,857Member
    I think you did great! You didn't tell her aunt, who in turn made sure to call her and make a big deal about it... *eye rolls*. My aunt gushed about how I was blossoming into a young woman now. I told her I hated it and wished it would go away until I was actually old enough to have and want kids. She didn't expect or care for that response so much. I think I might have also said, "I can't wait until menopause..."

    You kept realistic, practical...none of that over the top flower blooming, lofty crap. I remember worrying about the same things you're daughter did. Maybe get her a cute little purse bag thing, small enough to fit a pad or two, and maybe some fun size candy bars for school.
    Like this: http://www.etsy.com/listing/94611466/pocket-purse-with-long-strap?ref=sr_gallery_7&ga_search_query=purse+long+strap&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=ZZ&ga_min=0&ga_max=0&ga_ref=auto2&ga_explicit_scope=1&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmadepurse+long+strap

    If she has a trusted teacher she feels comfortable confiding in, have let the teacher know about what's going and ask them to let her other teachers know that when she asks to use the rest room it's for pad changing purposes. We teachers can see the look on any student's face when it's a real bathroom emergency versus I'm bord and want to take a walk. ;-)

    I'm as sexy as a burp mid-kiss. Watch out!

  • Marley25Marley25
    Posts: 54Member
    My daughter is 15 now and when we were close I got her "my little red book" by Rachel Kauder Nalebuff. It is a collection of first period stories. Ones that are only a couple years old and ones from World War 2. It has stories from different cultures where the girl is put in a separate room for her period and waited on the whole time. I read it and loved the stories.
    You did awesome! We all have our first period stories and your daughter has an awesome one!!!

  • Violetpaige
    Posts: 4Member
    I just went through this with my 10 yr old DD! I thought I had prepared her enough prior to the ... Event? And also, admittedly, And mistakenly I had relied on what she was learning at school (in health class) that we had talked about throughout the year. I felt that she was prepared and would come to me when the time came feeling comfortable and informed and well ... Okay.
    I was wrong, she didn't come to me at all and as if that wasn't heartbreaking enough when I did find out and approached her I found that she was infact much less informed than I had lead myself to believe.
    As a mom I feel like I dropped the ball.
    I found out she'd gotten her period while doing laundry. She'd stashed her soiled underwear in the bottom of her hamper and hadn't mentioned anything. When I brought it up to her I found out that because of the way I (and her health teacher) had phrased some stuff that she was totally confused and essentially misinformed.
    For example, you know how typically you explain "when you go to the washroom you'll notice that your bleeding. Usually when you wipe..." well, I guess I should have explained that A) it doesn't always happen when you go to the bathroom and B) it's not the act of going to the bathroom that makes you actually menstrate...
    After talking to her she told me how she was "holding it in" so that she would stop "bleeding". When she said this to me I realized how young she still is - she's still a little girl, my little girl. I just hope the damage control that I tried my best at will be what she remembers... And not those few scary days when she didn't really understand what was going on and felt to embarassed to ask me.
  • cheesehead4ever
    Posts: 734Member

    The only thing I think you have left to do is talk to her teacher.  I know I will be as soon as DD gets it I will be doing that to ensure that the teacher allows her to go the bathroom as needed.

    It sounds like you did everything right.  I know I am not mentally prepared for that day.  DD turns 12 in two months and all I did was pray that she would make it to 11 before she got her period.  I made it to 12 and a half, but she developed even earlier than I did.  Our doctor told me any time after 9 was considered normal (yea, right).  She has been wearing a bra since 8 (sports bra), been shaving for at least 8 months and has all of the normal hair growth.  I have had pads in a hidden pocket in her backpack for the last 3 years just in case.  Now it is just the waiting game!  I brace myself every month when I get mine because her hormones are already on the same cycle because she has major mood swings the day or two before my period starts.

     

  • cheesehead4ever
    Posts: 734Member
    I just remembered back to college when the touring group of Second City came to my university.  One of the skits was a dad taking his daughter out to dinner to celebrate her first period and all of the waiters and waitresses came to their table to sing the "Happy First Period" song.  Absolutely hysterical.
  • TVmommyTVmommy
    Posts: 451Member
    My dd9 is Pmsing with me every month. I know it won't be long now. Thank you for the kit idea. I will implement that at the soonest!
    Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best! At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires.
  • TVmommyTVmommy
    Posts: 451Member
    My dd9 is Pmsing with me every month. I know it won't be long now. Thank you for the kit idea. I will implement that at the soonest!
    Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best! At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires.
  • boring_nameboring_name
    Posts: 667Member
    My mom didn't talk to me at all about it before or after. What I knew/learned came from the 5th grade 'health' unit where they split the girls/boys... and the book "Are you there God? It's me Margaret". 

    I did sit down with each of my girls and told them what to expect (emotional changes, physical changes etc). Both came to me when it happened and let me know, but we didn't make a big deal out of it. There were always supplies available in the bathroom anyway. 

    I do have a friend however who announced her DD first period on her FB! OMG I was mortified for her little girl! 
    B
  • Mommyoftwo2Mommyoftwo2
    Posts: 36Member
    I know my daughter will be starting soon...great ideas on here so thank you for sharing!
    I have talked with her about it and she carries a pad in her backpack in case she starts at school. She knows to go to the nurse if it does but hopefully it will be at home when I am there!
  • wornoutworkingmomwornoutworkingmom
    Posts: 4Member
    I love this place.  Thanks for all the insights and support.  

    I did in fact call her teacher. And so far, it's been OK at school. 

    Sigh. I guess we need to have "the talk" pretty soon. 
  • sparkles2307sparkles2307
    Posts: 63Member

    I started when I was right between 11 and 12.  My mom did good comforting me, but very little in the way of telling me how to be not so self-consious about it.  How often to change the pad.  Things like that.  So, I had to figure out that I didnt need to bring 37 pads with me everywhere, that I needed to change them every few hours, not once a day. She never talked to me about other options besides pads.  Do youknow how many miserable years I wore a freaking pad before I figured out tampons!?!  And THEN 10 miserable years of tampons before I figured out that there are even better solutions!?  Be sure to tell her that pads are best for starting, but when she feels ready you can talk about things that will make that time of the month so much easier for her.

    And show her where to get good chocolate truffles. 

  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    You did great and I wish my mom would have done the same for me.  I was 8  going into the 3rd grade. I knew my mom did it she told me what it was when i was 3 and 5 years old. But she was at work when the cramps hit and they hit hard then to wake up to a red tide and having to deal with that mess as well as not having any pads in the home at the time.   I think they found me in the bathroom. I had used so much TP that day because I was baby sitting my 5 year old sister and I had it stuffed that into my underwear. It was no fun.
  • cammiemammie
    Posts: 7Member
    i told my daughter if you get a bug in your stomach from eating bad foods sometimes it makes you bleed in your pee..... IM SORRY I COULD NOT TELL HER...... im a failure, i will let her friends tell her....
  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,193Member
    Really @Cammiemammie?   How will she manage to get pads and tampons?  
  • cammiemammie
    Posts: 7Member
    she is only 8 years old right now btw......
  • cammiemammie
    Posts: 7Member
    i think i did good at telling her for only 8 years old....urgggh 
  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,193Member
    Oh... well you have plenty of time to stress out about different ways of telling her.  I was heavily involved in horses.   I got my period while we were camping for 4th of July and we happened to be camping next to this incredibly hot Army Capt.  I was 15 (late bloomer) and I remember telling my mom the hot guy next door must have "made me come into season!"  My mom just about died.  I still can't believe that I really thought that humans worked like horses.  lol
  • cammiemammie
    Posts: 7Member
    i want to tell her ...but i dont know how...shes my only child...and my mom NEVER told me or never had these kind of discussions with me...ughhh
  • cammiemammie
    Posts: 7Member
    awwwwh, at least you had a animal to relate to...hehe, my animals are spayed so she wont be able to relate to the animals either... i wish no mom had to tell a child this... i wish we did not even have them, but its a part of life...
    i just figured if i told her the bugs are in the bad foods "greasy fried foods,chocolates,mcdonalds, chips and candies" she will stay away MORE from unhealthy foods also and she will be aware when it does come......kinda kills 2 birds with 1 stone..i am young myself i had her at 14 , so im 22 now and raised her all on my own with no help from her dad...
  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,193Member
    Just give her the ole speech... when you become a woman and your body is capable of having babies it gets ready to make a baby every month.  If it doesn't make one it has to clean out and get ready again.  The cleaning out is kinda icky and you will bleed.  I can help you handle that when that day comes.  It's a big deal because it means your body is ready to be all grown up!  

    This can also lead into the safe sex talk.  My mom started these talks with me at the age of 5.  She used technical terminology that I couldn't understand, so I would ask her again every so often.  We even made a "code word" so I could tell her what I needed to talk about without my brothers or dad knowing.  Sex was the "amusement park" and I can't remember what periods were, but I think they were something like the "merry go round".    

    Her mom never once discussed anything with her and she thought she was dying at school when she got her period.  The school nurse had to help her.  She never wanted me to go through that and to this day her openness and honesty has helped me so much and I appreciate it.  She's usually very shy and doesn't like to talk much about these things.  lol
  • cammiemammie
    Posts: 7Member
    yes that is much better than bugs in your stomach!!! thanks and your a good mama :) nite
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