My husband betrayed my trust, how do I move forward?
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member

    Ok so I'm new to the site, it looked like a great place to get some positive and supportive feedback from a neutral 3rd party.  First a little bit of back story.... 

    My husband has always been an amazing man in my eyes and everyone that he meets.  He was raised well, has a great family, an awesome father to his and my son (we each have one from other relationships) and a supportive and respectful husband to me.  With him I knew I had chosen well, finally.  We have been married for 2 1/2 years and together for 4. 

     Last Saturday night our children were at their other parent's house so I decided on a girl's night and he went to watch the college game with a buddy.  As I am sitting with my girlfriends downtown he calls wanting to bust up the party and come in and see me.  Right after his call before he had even came in I received a text message from a longtime friend regarding my husband and another woman.  She stated that they were together at the game and holding hands and just acting like more than friends the entire time.  She also sent me a picture of him and her with her hand tucked under his arm and on his leg with his hand on hers.  My friend stated that they never kissed or anything else to her knowledge and I know that as soon as he left the game he came to see me downtown.  He admits to what my friend told me, he said he definitely crossed a line but he did not do anything other than what the picture showed.  He is very remorseful, stating that he can't live without me and this is the worst mistake of his life.  My biggest issue with all of this is that I thought our marriage was great, something to be proud of.  We are truly happy, with affection, laughter, sex all of it.  At least I thought we were.  I just can't understand what he was thinking or why he would've done this at a college game where anyone could have seen him and we don't live in a very large place so I know a ton of people here.  Why would he risk everything he has for some girl who wants to conquer a challenge?  They even discussed me while they sat there, she saw my picture on his screen saver of his phone and commented on how pretty I was while she had her hands all over him.  I'm so sick over this and maybe I'm overreacting but to me it doesn't feel like it.  I never in a million years thought he would do something like that to me.  He treated me like I was the only woman in the room everywhere we went.  He does seem to be honestly remorseful though, even going as far as calling his parents and telling them everything (without my knowledge) because he felt he needed to take full responsibility for his actions and he is willing to go to counseling.  He is actually in favor of it if it will help me.  He can't tell me why he did this though.  He says he is happy and that he loves me more than anything, he said that he had been drinking and it was just a stupid mistake.  I don't know what to do from here, I love him so much and can't stand the thought of losing him but I also can't stand the thought of what he did and to actually see what he did.  I feel like I won't ever get over it and trust him again and that is so hard because we had so much trust before. 

    Sorry for dragging on, I just wanted an honest opinion from someone other than friends or family who knows the whole situation.

  • pistolpackingmomma
    Posts: 1,066Member
    hugs hun.  i don't know what to say.  just wanted to send you a big hug.....sucks that he betrayed your trust that way, but at least he will admit he fucked up.  a lot of guys won't.  hope it works out for ya!
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  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member
    Thanks so much...
  • pistolpackingmomma
    Posts: 1,066Member
    my dh had an affair and i know how bad it hurts.  there is a lot more wrong in our relationship than that, though.  you sound like you have a good relationship to begin with, so i would think there is hope, but he can't expect you to just get over it....he's destroyed that trust, that is something that is hard to earn back....
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  • CrashCrash
    Posts: 10,571Member
    I don't know that it was a big of betrayal as it seems. He did  make a mistake, probably because he was drinking, and he felt flattered that a woman came on to him. It was a novel experience, and he didn't have the brains to push her away. 

    Betrayal burns though, so yeah, I'd be pretty pissed at him. "Go to the doghouse for a month!"
    Why be a king when you can be a God?
  • DreamerDreamer
    Posts: 2,473Member

    Im with @Curious.  Men make stupid mistakes all the time.  Especially when they are drinking.  We all want to feel like we still got "it".

    Im totally NOT condoning it, in any way shape or form. What he did was wrong, and hurtful. Id be really pissed to.  My xh cheated on me before we were married, and I chose to stay. He seemed really sorry, we talked about it... alcohol was a factor as well. 

    I think counselling is a good idea. It will help you get over the mad.  And he's got to understand that your are going to be very wary and untrusting for a while.  Just remember if you choose to stay and work on it, you cant throw it in his face at every fight.

    There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other. Which one are you?
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member

    Thanks so much for your quick responses and perspective on this!

    One of the hardest parts is that now I'm questioning everything.... about us, about me.  I feel so insecure and like I'm going crazy.  I am never an insecure person but I feel like I'm just not good enough or something.  I honestly feel like I have to be perfect now or he will look elsewhere.  Maybe it just takes time, Idk.....

  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,543Member

    Did you tell him what you knew or did you ask him to confess because you knew he was up to no good?  I guess once my trust is broken I'm instantly a skeptic of everything you say from that point on.  I wouldn't beleive that there wasn't any kissing or "more."  I do recommend you go see a counselor.  They're great. 

    I caught my husband lying to me while I was pregnant.  He had changed the name of his Ex in his phone to "Chad" so I wouldn't get suspicious but he chatted with her daily to the point where he even stayed in the truck for an hour once after he got home from work to talk to her.  My kids are 17 months old and he still hasn't earned my trust back.  He isn't allowed any communication with her and I have full rights to check his phone, email, FB, or whatever whenever.  It's his way of proving to me he isn't doing anything wrong.  It still hurts and bugs me.  His excuse is he wasn't attracted to me pregnant.... awesome.  Way to make me feel wonderful. 

    I'd say it takes time but I think it takes open communication and counseling.  You can forgive but you will never forget.  You also won't ever trust him again completely. 

  • beachmommybeachmommy
    Posts: 3,760Member
    Did he know the girl before the game?  Not that it matters THAT much (it still fucking hurts either way)... but it could be the difference between a drunken flirtation that crossed the line vs. an affair....
    My beach is still Sandy....
  • DreamerDreamer
    Posts: 2,473Member

    Its like a swift kick to the gut. It knocks the wing right out of you.  But you have to know, its not you. Its him. He has to figure out what the hell made him even considering going there.  Was it just that rush of having someone pay attention to him? Was she someone he knew from before? Did they just meet?

    And its ok, to be mad, and sad...and let him know how your feeling. Dont bottle it all up. He did this, he has to help you work out your feelings on it. And while I said you cant throw it in his face, you will need to talk about it for the next little while.  jmho

    There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other. Which one are you?
  • momma2A
    Posts: 1,148Member
    I think that if you believe he's remorseful and really wants to make it work and your willing to do counselling then try it.

    Everyone makes mistakes and if your willing to forgive then that's your choice. If it doesn't work and you can't trust him after then decide from there. You know him best and if he seems like he would really try to fix things and pull that crap again then try out councelling. It could help you with your feelings of him cheating as well.
  • SalllyWingo
    Posts: 1,557Member
    That sounds so bizarre.  I don't know what to think....
  • booseneca
    Posts: 232Member
    I'm with @tortured on this one! I am completely skeptical of you if you have lied to me. I dont know if I would believe his story that "nothing else happened"....but only YOU know if hes believable or not. I would just always wonder if he owned up ONLY because he was caught or if he would've owned up period? I dont mean to be negative about it but my ex cheated on me, came back and admitted he fucked up, things were "good" for a couple of months...we got in an argument and I told him to give me some time to get over it and next thing I know I'm hearing about him being with not one but two different women on two separate occassions! Just proceed with caution hunny and if your gut is telling you something stinks....go with it!! Dont be overly trusting right away and try to gather more facts about the situation before you make any decisions! Good luck mama! I hope it was a poor choice that he made ONE time!!
  • StarsStars
    Posts: 1,145Member
    I understand your trust was violated.  But I am seriously trying to put myself in your situation.  I would definitely be crushed he was being touchy flirty.  But I honestly don't think what he's done is enough to call it quits. He made a mistake...got caught up in a moment and admitted it. You said yourself he genuinely seems remorseful. Yes, he hurt you and its tainted the trust you had but IMO not so much as if he had slept with her.  Certainly you could ask him to allow you time to absorb what's happened and in that time allow you access to ease your mind he's not gone farther with her.  Allowing access to cell phone, email and social networks. I would also ask he not see this woman anymore. If he does agrees to all that I would give it my all to forgive him and move on. Big hugs I feel for you, I really do.  Good luck 
    apsycho

  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member

    Yes he did know her from I guess a long time ago but I've never met her.  His friend that he went with tried to text me and say that nothing was going on and it's not like I think.  He actually said she is a friend to him no different than me and you.  Um no..... the difference is that his friend is at my house four days a week and "uncle" to my children.  I don't know this bitch! never even heard of her, yet they are "friends" who hold hands?? 

    I confronted him about it and he tried to lie at first but then once I showed him the picture I had he couldn't deny it.  For a while he tried to tell me that my friend must have just caught that one moment in a picture but that he didn't behave that way the whole time.  Then I guess he finally realized how stupid he sounded and he confessed to everything my friend told me she saw.  He swears that there is nothing more but it's taken me 4 days just to get all of this out of him.  I specifically asked him if he would have told me if he hadn't been caught and he was honest and said no, probably not.  He said he knew it went to far and he was already guilty which was why he was on his way to break up my girls night and see me.

    I honestly just don't know what to believe because I really never imagined he could do this, now I feel like I don't even know him.  How do you sit there and act like you're with someone else at a crowded football game that was supposed to be boys only, when you have a wife and kids at home?  He has humiliated me cause there is no telling who else witnessed this but just doesn't want to say anything.

  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member

    He has told me whatever I need to be ok he will do it.  He was friends with her on facebook but has deleted and blocked her.  He said he will never speak to her again, go to counseling, I can go through his phone, email, whatever.  He does honestly seem like he feels horrible but it's hard to believe that or even care.  It is really hard to see your husband in a situation like that with another woman.

    Another thing I want to add, his friend that he went with is a very good friend of both of ours.  He was his friend first but I have treated this guy like my family since I've known him.  He was divorced about two months ago and he goes out a lot now, maybe my husband was missing his single days?? My problem with the friend is that I feel like he should have had some respect for my marriage and family as well but it seems to me that he actually encouraged what was going on by setting everything up. Do I have the right to cut out time with him, for a while anyway.  I don't want my husband doing things with him if he can't act any better than that and maybe it's displaced but I feel angry and betrayed by him as well.

  • beachmommybeachmommy
    Posts: 3,760Member

    I am so sorry @cashsmom.  It does sound more serious than a drunken flirtation to me, but only you can decipher his story.

    You are right - there was no reason to be at the game with her.  No reason for her to be all over him / vice versa. 

    I don't know what I would do in your situation, but I do know that you have every right to be hurt and angry. 

    I hope you can take some time to yourself over the few days/ weeks to let your mind clear of the hurt.  You can always come here and talk to us.  This is a great forum and everyone is very nice and helpful. 

    My beach is still Sandy....
  • beachmommybeachmommy
    Posts: 3,760Member

    If it were me, I would definitely have a problem with the friend.  He watched it happen and he tried to cover for him, so you will always know that he would do the same going foward. 

    If it were me, I would probably confront the friend head-on.  Tell him how you feel. 

    My beach is still Sandy....
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member
    I appreciate all of you so much!! Thank you guys for being so great and responding so quickly and so much, it's nice to know that others have been there and care about my situation as well.
  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,543Member
    I would be planning a secret surveillance at the next football game.  I would allow him to hang with the DB friend that didn't care he was being a complete jack ass and lacked respect for you and your family. It's not his fault, although he was in the wrong.  He should have at least told your man that "that's not cool" but who knows?  He could have and your man could have ignored the warning.  Give him as much rope as he needs to hang himself.  I would be a psycho wife for a little while.  Hell, I'm still a psycho wife here and there....  I have major issues with lying.   I'm not so much jealous but if you lie to me you're messing with a devil you didn't know existed!  
    You can stalk his phone through your phone companies website to see who he texts and talks to.  Counseling is always the best road...  he needs to show remorse and guilt, which it sounds like he is doing.  I don't think this is a relationship ending mistake, but it will be a reality check to him on what's important.   
    >:D<
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member
    That's what he keeps saying that he realizes how easily he can lose me and he can't live without me.  I have already went through all of his phone records but he doesn't know I did because like you said I don't want him to think I'm being psycho and stop doing something just because of that.  I want to as you said "let him hang himself".  I also lied to him the day after it happened and told him that someone else saw him kissing some girl there, he has continued to adamantly deny that.  He says that he will not admit to something he didn't do.
  • StarsStars
    Posts: 1,145Member
    Not the same situation but my exh had a friend whom he would always get high with and it made me very uncomfortable.  I'm very anti-drugs and we had discussed that I did not want my exh ( we were married at the time) doing drugs.  He would go fishing with said buddy and of course defy my wishes blatantly. Yes it was only smoking weed but its still illegal and as parents imo you don't do things that could get you in trouble and be taken away from your family and or kids.  Anyway ...my point is your dh's friend holds no obligation to you whether you've treated him like family or not.  When it comes down to it he is dh's friend. You'd hope he'd have his buddy's best interest at heart but like I said he's hubby's friend.  The whole Bro's before ho's motto and all that stupid macho stuff. I think it's a really bad idea to ask DH to choose you over his friend.   Just be a bug in hubby's ear when he does go out.  You can't expect to choose his friends and vice versa. 
    apsycho

  • Monkeynmoo
    Posts: 1,420Guest
    Went through this after dd was born... Except mine was reaching out for "strange" while he was out of town and using CL to do it. Once he was caught he spilled everything and promised the same as your dh has... Have me passwords, let me check his history daily (he is too stupid to know that you can delete it, love him to death but it's true) and would call AND send pictures of jobs that included a clock if he was going to be late coming home ecause of work.. We are doing great now (other issues but that's a different rant) he is completely faithful and hasn't strayed again.
    Maybe seeing you so hurt and mad did to him what it did to my df. He knew he was gonna loose me and our kids and that scare him and at that moment he realized how much he needed/wanted/loved me.

    I say go to counseling and use the offers to make you feel comfortable. It helps, it's been almost a year and I still randomly log into his Facebook and email. Never find anything and that peace of mind is what I need at that moment.


    Good luck honey!
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member
    I hope we can get there, just hard to re-commit to someone when you're scared of them bretraying you again
  • Peace
    Posts: 3,230Member
    I have a bunch of questions... :\">

    But 1st off, I really, really, like your friend! That had to be an awful night watching them, deciding what to do & knowing you would be hurt. I'm glad you heard about it from someone who cares about you.

    About your dh...
    Did he seem drunk when he texted you or when you saw him? Was he drinking before the game?
    I think he, his friend, the girl, someone saw your friend & knew they had been seen & he was trying to get to you 1st. Unless your friend said something to him.

    I think it's a really good sign that he spoke to his parents. But i can't help wondering if he thinks someone they know was there & saw him too.
    I don't believe he spent all that time with her at the game, then suddenly came to his senses just when the game ended. He saw someone that knows him & either you or the kids.
    He's doing major damage control.

    Is this an ex gf of his? Do his parents know who she is?
    I don't know, but I'm not sure about an accidental meeting getting that cozy, that fast.
    Did she go there with his friend? In the pics was there anyone else there with her?
    That would have come with her? Was his friend with them?

    Not buying anything the buddy says. You've been together 4 years?
    She's a close friend, but you never met her?
    Buddy is in a crappy position & should just be quiet.

    Go to counseling, soon. Listen carefully to him.
    You really do sound as if you have a good marriage. See if he thinks so too.
    This may be the thing that helps you understand each other better.
    Good luck, I really hope this makes your marriage stronger. >:D<
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member

    He did not seem drunk when I talked to him but I was so angry that I wasn't really paying much attention.  He said that he had been drinking before the game. And I feel the same way, that he didn't just sit there all comfortable and happy with her like they were together for two hours and then just change his mind??

    She is not an ex girlfriend and he says that nothing has ever happened between them but I don't believe that either, I don't think they were ever exclusive but you don't sit there with your hands on someone that you aren't comfortable with, it makes no sense.  I don't think his parents know her but I guess I can never be sure until I call them acting all crazy lol.

    He stated that they all sat together, him, his friend, the girl he is talking to, her sister (which is the girl that my dh was with), and another friend who is a lesbian.  He almost but not quite made the statement that he wasn't sure if the two girls were together because he said she was holding her hand all night too, which is just bizarre and weird.  My friend didn't notice that if it happened but she was to busy concentrating on my idiot husband.

    I feel like it was all set up this way or something?!! Anyway, he swears that it's nothing I did and he made a dumb mistake.  He has told me he will spend every day of the rest of his life making it up to me. He also says that he knows I can't believe anything he says to me right now and that he doesn't expect me to, all he can do is hope I give him the chance to prove it.  He has told me that he will not be going out anywhere unless I'm with him and for the time being the only thing he will be doing with friends is hunting.  He seems like he is willing to do the work, I'm just not sure if I want to.  Don't get me wrong, I love him very much but like I said he is this amazing guy with a great reputation.  I don't know if he can ever live up to that person now.  He worked in the city my Grandparents were in for a while and he would go to their house on his lunch breaks to eat a sandwhich and help my Grandfather with things he needed around the house.  He didn't have to do any of that but he did, my grandparents adore him! My family adored him! He is an amazing father to my son and his, he never treats mine like he is anything but a son.  He was just built up so much in my eyes that now the letdown is insane.

  • serenitynowserenitynow
    Posts: 2,210Member

    i haven't been in such a situation, but from what it sounds like, he does seem remorseful. however, that doesn't make anything better. i agree with the other ladies that counselling would be a good idea. but that's up to you.

    i think if i was in such a situation, i would probably be physically ill just looking at him and would probably need some space. maybe go to my parent's house for a little bit like a couple days or a week just to get away from him. not a break, just time to think without his ass around trying to influence my decision.

    it sounds like he knows he fucked up badly. sometimes guys are just complete fucking idiots, especially when they are around their friends.  and as for his friend, he needs to stay out of things.  as for the drinking part, i wouldn't let him use the "i was drinking/drunk" excuse. he obviously knew better if he felt guilty enough to come see you and it's just an excuse to try and get off easy.

    sorry you're going through this crap, but i personally think if you can get some time away from him to really think things through, maybe that will help you. i also think the counseling could help you to. not only going as a couple but individually as well.

  • beachmommybeachmommy
    Posts: 3,760Member

    Ok.  So the girl who he was with is the sister of the girl his newly single BFF is fucking?

    Ok.  This makes much more sense to me now. 

    I believe that this was set up.  I believe that his friend brought these girls along (with your DH's knowledge), and was not at all upset with your DH when he was hitting it off so well with the sister. 

    From what you have said... and this is only my interpretation of what you have told us:

    I do believe that your DH was caught up in the moment...was enjoying hanging out with his BFF and these girls and acting "single". 

    I think many of us have had moments in our life where we think the "grass may be greener" on the other, single side...and when a close friend is newly single and out enjoying their single lives, it looks like fun...hell, we may even be jealous of the lifestyle we once had.  But then reality hits and we realize that we love our spouses and family and lives more than any "fleeting sexcapade" and would do anything to keep our family together and happy. 

    Only you can say whether or not you believe how far it truly meant.  And in the end, it doesn't matter what REALLY happened - it only matters what you BELIEVE happened.

    But there is a chance that it did not go far, and he was just being an idiot blinded by the "grass". 

    My beach is still Sandy....
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member
    I hope that's the case but just so hard to believe that nothing else happened??
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,125Member
    This makes no sense to me, he just happens to run into a girl he hasn't seen or talked to for years yet he feels comfortable enough with her to immediately have their hands all over each other? And the same for her. I know if I was in that situation with a guy I dated a long time ago and hadn't remained friends with, I would feel awkward. He is leaving something out, idk if its that he knew she would be there and had planned with his friend to hang out with her and her sister, if he has been in contact with her before this and planned it with her, if they used to be a lot closer than he is saying and stayed in contact with her, or something a lot worse. But he def knew he was busted and that's why he came to where u were right after. If he hadn't seen someone that knows u I'm sure their evening would have continued. Fortunately he's so dumb that he did this in front of hundreds of people.
    ~slim shady~
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member

    I keep thinking about everything over and over and I have definitely come to the same conclusion.  There is something that he is not telling me.  I told him that I don't want to speak to him until he can tell me the whole truth, I can't be with a liar.  It's one thing to make a mistake but not to own up to it and show some decency to the person you hurt is just to much for me.

  • bellabearbellabear
    Posts: 224Member
    @cashmom your story is very similiar to mine. my husband was talking to other woman on the internet for 7 months! it started when i was 9 months pregnant. i thought we were happy. all of my friends and his were jealous of the relationship that him and i had. so it was such a shock to find all the emails  from other woman on his computer. he complimented them...called them beautiful...told them they had amazing boobs! wtf! it hurt sooo much. i knew he was holding back more. i wouldnt talk to him until he told me. he finally confessed that one girl and him were meeting up at a starbucks but when he got there...he couldnt go through with it. -__- i still dont believe that till this day. this might not be helpful to youu...but whatt i did was meet up with an ex bf whom H hates. nothing happened between us. not even a hug. but we tallked for hours at his apartment. than i told H what i did. he was shocked and couldnt believe that nothing happened between us.  and i told him thats how i feel about him and starbucks girl. i told him "i guess we just have to trust eachother.." and it actually helped our marriage. neither him nor i know what really went on but all we know is that we dont want to hurt eachother and that we love each other enough to get passed it. dont know if that helps....but *hugs* from one scary mommy to another.
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member
    Thank you and that sounds like a pretty decent idea!! Maybe I'll think about that, I did have a dream that I cheated on him with an ex last night hahaha!! I guess it's my subconcious trying to get revenge!
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member
    Ok so one more thing to add to the story I guess.  Just received a text from my husband saying that he just remembered something that if I found out without him telling me might piss me off.  He says that on August 25th he went to a party with this same friend which I knew about.  I didn't go that night because I wasn't feeling well.  Apparently this girl his friend has been talking to was there (same girl from the game).  I text my husband all night that night but they "didn't have service" so he never text back.  He is saying that on the way home this girl used his phone to call her sister, the girl he was caught at the game with to pick her up when she got back to town.  He did come home that night and he says that was before they met up with this girl.  Our house is in a small town on the way to the town the other girl was going to.  I think he is a fucking liar, and he has been seeing this girl for a while now just again trying to cover his ass. I'm just waiting to see what comes out next.  I want to talk to the girl but she has me blocked on facebook?? and I'm not even sure if I have the right number because she hasn't answered any of my text.  I got the number from my friend, DH is saying that he doesn't have it.  I'm going to try calling her from another number later today to see if I can get this whore on the phone and find out the truth.  I hate feeling like a freaking psycho!
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member
    One more update, I was persistant and kept on at him because everything was just not adding up.  I tricked him into telling me more of the truth.  He apparently left the ballgame and went to her house for a while before he came to see me.  He and her are both telling me that nothing happened lol.  I'll believe that when hell freezes over! Anyway I can't deal with him right now because I shouldn't have to trick him into the truth and I know that there is more.  I told him he needed to leave, I need time away from him to think this thing through.  I don't know that we can ever get back what we were.....
  • BlessieBlessie
    Posts: 2,108Member
    If he was really willing to "do whatever it took" he would have started with the truth. He is trying to figure out what he can keep lying about and what might get found out.
  • TotallyWarped
    Posts: 185Member

    Yes he did know her from I guess a long time ago but I've never met her.  His friend that he went with tried to text me and say that nothing was going on and it's not like I think.  He actually said she is a friend to him no different than me and you.  Um no..... the difference is that his friend is at my house four days a week and "uncle" to my children.  I don't know this bitch! never even heard of her, yet they are "friends" who hold hands?? 

    I confronted him about it and he tried to lie at first but then once I showed him the picture I had he couldn't deny it.  For a while he tried to tell me that my friend must have just caught that one moment in a picture but that he didn't behave that way the whole time.  Then I guess he finally realized how stupid he sounded and he confessed to everything my friend told me she saw.  He swears that there is nothing more but it's taken me 4 days just to get all of this out of him.  I specifically asked him if he would have told me if he hadn't been caught and he was honest and said no, probably not.  He said he knew it went to far and he was already guilty which was why he was on his way to break up my girls night and see me.

    I honestly just don't know what to believe because I really never imagined he could do this, now I feel like I don't even know him.  How do you sit there and act like you're with someone else at a crowded football game that was supposed to be boys only, when you have a wife and kids at home?  He has humiliated me cause there is no telling who else witnessed this but just doesn't want to say anything.



    Not liking that he tried to lie about it until he saw the picture then tried to call your friend a liar about other things she saw. Who goes to a game with a girl and out of the blue holds her hand and cuddles?? Sorry but I think there's more to this, they've been texting or talking. SOMETHING led up to this! (how do they know each other?)

     I also think he knew your friend saw him and that's why he ran to you at the restaurant. He wasn't guilty he was busted and had to do damage control! (he wanted to tell you before your friend spilled the beans) If it were me I'd be digging like hell. His phone, computer, FB, email, credit cards records and he had better come up squeaky clean or his ass would be OUT!
  • TotallyWarped
    Posts: 185Member
    just read the rest... he went to her house ALONE??!! I would have kicked his ass out too! After making out at the game there's just no way I would believe that didn't lead to more when they were alone :( sorry OP 
  • AnonUser24
    Posts: 2,594Guest
    OMG I'm so sorry. Big huge hugs. I wish I could make it go away for you. Nobody should feel this, ever.
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member
    I have dug through everything I can think of, fb, email, phone records...everything relentlessly and can't find anything to connect him to this girl?? I'm just so confused, I finally got this whore to respond to me. She is saying the exact same thing my dh is, that things got to flirty at the game then they all went to her house for one of her friends to change but nothing happened between the two of them and they were never alone. Then they all came downtown which is where I confronted him. I stormed past this girl as I was going to find him and punch him in the face. I don't believe anything they are saying and just feel like he is only going to tell as much as he thinks I might find out. He has consistently lied to me everyday since this happened. I feel like I have no clue who this man is, just not sure what to do from this point. He is still not staying at home but we have his son this weekend and he has had to work a lot so I've been keeping him. Not going to throw away the three year old cause his dad is a douche.
  • Buggy_Boo
    Posts: 209Member
    I had a similar experience with my DH.  The details are different but the emotion/lying/betrayal are the same.  Trust your gut - if you feel like something is wrong, than it probably is.  My DH lied and lied and lied and, to this day, I'm not sure I ever got the complete truth.  In my DH's case, the behavior was very much connected to his substance abuse (which I also didn't know about.)  Things began to improve between us when he began addressing the substance abuse stuff (meetings, etc) but I can honestly say that it took a significant amount of work on his part to make me even willing to consider to stay with him.  Most days I feel like I have forgiven him but sometimes I get crazy remembering how he completely had me fooled before.  I love him but our relationship has never been the same since.  It really is sad to be married to someone you don't completely trust.  I hope that you have a bunch of support IRL and are able to get to a head space where you can see things clearly.  I'm so sorry this happened to your family.
  • mericksmom
    Posts: 388Member
    Okay this is my advice.It is EXTREME.
       FLIP it on him.  Live in the same house do the same things, continue acting psycho.  Get an old male friend he hasn't met before (preferably gay( again he dont know it)) and randomly talk to him, flirt with him and disappear with him.  Make him feel like you are feeling. There is a chance he will take it out on you more or he will straighten right up and fight for you. 

    You need to take a step back and see if you are willing to attempt to try and heal from betrayal and lies.  From this point on you will be looking back at this and it does get easier (for some of us) but ANY weird vibes from him and you will come back to this day forever.  At least for me it has. If you do chose to stay get counseling and make sure he knows that you will not trust him like you did and at ANY moment this event will come back and haunt him as much as it haunts you (seriously some men think that once you forgive this subject is done with and that YOU will never have feeling stemming from this issue ever again and if you do they will make you feel like the bad guy because "I thought it was done")

    And remember every relationship is DIFFERENT and non of them are wrong.  What I said above helped me out but there are still so many complications that continue for me from my issue of lost of trust and STILL after 4 years I still look back at the day that my heart completely shattered. 
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member
    That is why I'm so scared of staying. I don't want to think about this day forever. I can't take just not knowing what happened between them. I'm so scared it will make me crazy and him eventually resent me for it.
  • boring_nameboring_name
    Posts: 670Member
    @cashmom if you think it will 'make you crazy' it will. Going through some lie/hiding things with DH myself. I am about certifiable now! 
    B
  • Kizd4AFool
    Posts: 19Member
    Having been cheating on and forgiving DH, going through therapy, etc if it doesn't feel honest deep down inside TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!  If you feel comfortable with his explanation then don't close your eyes to it but let it go.  You have to pick one or the other.  If your instincts are screaming, "GUILTY" then time to do some PI work (I am not above checking cell phones, e-mail, etc---after all he is YOUR HUSBAND).

    Good luck and hugs!
  • cashsmom
    Posts: 21Member
    I have decided to work this out. I love him so much. He is still saying that nothing physical happened but I will never honestly know. I have to let it go and move forward from today. I believe he is hurting and remorseful, I believe that he wants to be with me and I want to be with him so that has to count for something I guess. I am not sure if he will ever fully have my trust again and he says he understands that and is willing to do the work everyday. We will see how things go I guess, actions speak louder than words.
  • bellabearbellabear
    Posts: 224Member
    @cashmom i think it will get easier as time goes on. but you are right...i dont think you will ever FULLY trust him again...but you know what...thats okay....its been a full year since the siuation with DH and me and his internet cheating...and he STILL doesnt go on the computer without  me present in the room. and he doesnt have internet on his phone or the password to even log onto the computer. and hes okay with it. you will find a NEW normal. it cant go exactly back to how it was before. not EXACTLY. but you will have a NEW way of doing things and new normal way of interacting with eachother,...and you will still be happy. =) everything WILL work if your both willing to put in the timme and effort. and it seems like you are. good luck with everything. always here for ya! =)