Ok so I'm new to the site, it looked like a great place to get some positive and supportive feedback from a neutral 3rd party. First a little bit of back story....
My husband has always been an amazing man in my eyes and everyone that he meets. He was raised well, has a great family, an awesome father to his and my son (we each have one from other relationships) and a supportive and respectful husband to me. With him I knew I had chosen well, finally. We have been married for 2 1/2 years and together for 4.
Last Saturday night our children were at their other parent's house so I decided on a girl's night and he went to watch the college game with a buddy. As I am sitting with my girlfriends downtown he calls wanting to bust up the party and come in and see me. Right after his call before he had even came in I received a text message from a longtime friend regarding my husband and another woman. She stated that they were together at the game and holding hands and just acting like more than friends the entire time. She also sent me a picture of him and her with her hand tucked under his arm and on his leg with his hand on hers. My friend stated that they never kissed or anything else to her knowledge and I know that as soon as he left the game he came to see me downtown. He admits to what my friend told me, he said he definitely crossed a line but he did not do anything other than what the picture showed. He is very remorseful, stating that he can't live without me and this is the worst mistake of his life. My biggest issue with all of this is that I thought our marriage was great, something to be proud of. We are truly happy, with affection, laughter, sex all of it. At least I thought we were. I just can't understand what he was thinking or why he would've done this at a college game where anyone could have seen him and we don't live in a very large place so I know a ton of people here. Why would he risk everything he has for some girl who wants to conquer a challenge? They even discussed me while they sat there, she saw my picture on his screen saver of his phone and commented on how pretty I was while she had her hands all over him. I'm so sick over this and maybe I'm overreacting but to me it doesn't feel like it. I never in a million years thought he would do something like that to me. He treated me like I was the only woman in the room everywhere we went. He does seem to be honestly remorseful though, even going as far as calling his parents and telling them everything (without my knowledge) because he felt he needed to take full responsibility for his actions and he is willing to go to counseling. He is actually in favor of it if it will help me. He can't tell me why he did this though. He says he is happy and that he loves me more than anything, he said that he had been drinking and it was just a stupid mistake. I don't know what to do from here, I love him so much and can't stand the thought of losing him but I also can't stand the thought of what he did and to actually see what he did. I feel like I won't ever get over it and trust him again and that is so hard because we had so much trust before.
Sorry for dragging on, I just wanted an honest opinion from someone other than friends or family who knows the whole situation.
Im with @Curious. Men make stupid mistakes all the time. Especially when they are drinking. We all want to feel like we still got "it".
Im totally NOT condoning it, in any way shape or form. What he did was wrong, and hurtful. Id be really pissed to. My xh cheated on me before we were married, and I chose to stay. He seemed really sorry, we talked about it... alcohol was a factor as well.
I think counselling is a good idea. It will help you get over the mad. And he's got to understand that your are going to be very wary and untrusting for a while. Just remember if you choose to stay and work on it, you cant throw it in his face at every fight.
Thanks so much for your quick responses and perspective on this!
One of the hardest parts is that now I'm questioning everything.... about us, about me. I feel so insecure and like I'm going crazy. I am never an insecure person but I feel like I'm just not good enough or something. I honestly feel like I have to be perfect now or he will look elsewhere. Maybe it just takes time, Idk.....
Did you tell him what you knew or did you ask him to confess because you knew he was up to no good? I guess once my trust is broken I'm instantly a skeptic of everything you say from that point on. I wouldn't beleive that there wasn't any kissing or "more." I do recommend you go see a counselor. They're great.
I caught my husband lying to me while I was pregnant. He had changed the name of his Ex in his phone to "Chad" so I wouldn't get suspicious but he chatted with her daily to the point where he even stayed in the truck for an hour once after he got home from work to talk to her. My kids are 17 months old and he still hasn't earned my trust back. He isn't allowed any communication with her and I have full rights to check his phone, email, FB, or whatever whenever. It's his way of proving to me he isn't doing anything wrong. It still hurts and bugs me. His excuse is he wasn't attracted to me pregnant.... awesome. Way to make me feel wonderful.
I'd say it takes time but I think it takes open communication and counseling. You can forgive but you will never forget. You also won't ever trust him again completely.
Its like a swift kick to the gut. It knocks the wing right out of you. But you have to know, its not you. Its him. He has to figure out what the hell made him even considering going there. Was it just that rush of having someone pay attention to him? Was she someone he knew from before? Did they just meet?
And its ok, to be mad, and sad...and let him know how your feeling. Dont bottle it all up. He did this, he has to help you work out your feelings on it. And while I said you cant throw it in his face, you will need to talk about it for the next little while. jmho
Yes he did know her from I guess a long time ago but I've never met her. His friend that he went with tried to text me and say that nothing was going on and it's not like I think. He actually said she is a friend to him no different than me and you. Um no..... the difference is that his friend is at my house four days a week and "uncle" to my children. I don't know this bitch! never even heard of her, yet they are "friends" who hold hands??
I confronted him about it and he tried to lie at first but then once I showed him the picture I had he couldn't deny it. For a while he tried to tell me that my friend must have just caught that one moment in a picture but that he didn't behave that way the whole time. Then I guess he finally realized how stupid he sounded and he confessed to everything my friend told me she saw. He swears that there is nothing more but it's taken me 4 days just to get all of this out of him. I specifically asked him if he would have told me if he hadn't been caught and he was honest and said no, probably not. He said he knew it went to far and he was already guilty which was why he was on his way to break up my girls night and see me.
I honestly just don't know what to believe because I really never imagined he could do this, now I feel like I don't even know him. How do you sit there and act like you're with someone else at a crowded football game that was supposed to be boys only, when you have a wife and kids at home? He has humiliated me cause there is no telling who else witnessed this but just doesn't want to say anything.
He has told me whatever I need to be ok he will do it. He was friends with her on facebook but has deleted and blocked her. He said he will never speak to her again, go to counseling, I can go through his phone, email, whatever. He does honestly seem like he feels horrible but it's hard to believe that or even care. It is really hard to see your husband in a situation like that with another woman.
Another thing I want to add, his friend that he went with is a very good friend of both of ours. He was his friend first but I have treated this guy like my family since I've known him. He was divorced about two months ago and he goes out a lot now, maybe my husband was missing his single days?? My problem with the friend is that I feel like he should have had some respect for my marriage and family as well but it seems to me that he actually encouraged what was going on by setting everything up. Do I have the right to cut out time with him, for a while anyway. I don't want my husband doing things with him if he can't act any better than that and maybe it's displaced but I feel angry and betrayed by him as well.
I am so sorry @cashsmom. It does sound more serious than a drunken flirtation to me, but only you can decipher his story.
You are right - there was no reason to be at the game with her. No reason for her to be all over him / vice versa.
I don't know what I would do in your situation, but I do know that you have every right to be hurt and angry.
I hope you can take some time to yourself over the few days/ weeks to let your mind clear of the hurt. You can always come here and talk to us. This is a great forum and everyone is very nice and helpful.
If it were me, I would definitely have a problem with the friend. He watched it happen and he tried to cover for him, so you will always know that he would do the same going foward.
If it were me, I would probably confront the friend head-on. Tell him how you feel.
He did not seem drunk when I talked to him but I was so angry that I wasn't really paying much attention. He said that he had been drinking before the game. And I feel the same way, that he didn't just sit there all comfortable and happy with her like they were together for two hours and then just change his mind??
She is not an ex girlfriend and he says that nothing has ever happened between them but I don't believe that either, I don't think they were ever exclusive but you don't sit there with your hands on someone that you aren't comfortable with, it makes no sense. I don't think his parents know her but I guess I can never be sure until I call them acting all crazy lol.
He stated that they all sat together, him, his friend, the girl he is talking to, her sister (which is the girl that my dh was with), and another friend who is a lesbian. He almost but not quite made the statement that he wasn't sure if the two girls were together because he said she was holding her hand all night too, which is just bizarre and weird. My friend didn't notice that if it happened but she was to busy concentrating on my idiot husband.
I feel like it was all set up this way or something?!! Anyway, he swears that it's nothing I did and he made a dumb mistake. He has told me he will spend every day of the rest of his life making it up to me. He also says that he knows I can't believe anything he says to me right now and that he doesn't expect me to, all he can do is hope I give him the chance to prove it. He has told me that he will not be going out anywhere unless I'm with him and for the time being the only thing he will be doing with friends is hunting. He seems like he is willing to do the work, I'm just not sure if I want to. Don't get me wrong, I love him very much but like I said he is this amazing guy with a great reputation. I don't know if he can ever live up to that person now. He worked in the city my Grandparents were in for a while and he would go to their house on his lunch breaks to eat a sandwhich and help my Grandfather with things he needed around the house. He didn't have to do any of that but he did, my grandparents adore him! My family adored him! He is an amazing father to my son and his, he never treats mine like he is anything but a son. He was just built up so much in my eyes that now the letdown is insane.
i haven't been in such a situation, but from what it sounds like, he does seem remorseful. however, that doesn't make anything better. i agree with the other ladies that counselling would be a good idea. but that's up to you.
i think if i was in such a situation, i would probably be physically ill just looking at him and would probably need some space. maybe go to my parent's house for a little bit like a couple days or a week just to get away from him. not a break, just time to think without his ass around trying to influence my decision.
it sounds like he knows he fucked up badly. sometimes guys are just complete fucking idiots, especially when they are around their friends. and as for his friend, he needs to stay out of things. as for the drinking part, i wouldn't let him use the "i was drinking/drunk" excuse. he obviously knew better if he felt guilty enough to come see you and it's just an excuse to try and get off easy.
sorry you're going through this crap, but i personally think if you can get some time away from him to really think things through, maybe that will help you. i also think the counseling could help you to. not only going as a couple but individually as well.
Ok. So the girl who he was with is the sister of the girl his newly single BFF is fucking?
Ok. This makes much more sense to me now.
I believe that this was set up. I believe that his friend brought these girls along (with your DH's knowledge), and was not at all upset with your DH when he was hitting it off so well with the sister.
From what you have said... and this is only my interpretation of what you have told us:
I do believe that your DH was caught up in the moment...was enjoying hanging out with his BFF and these girls and acting "single".
I think many of us have had moments in our life where we think the "grass may be greener" on the other, single side...and when a close friend is newly single and out enjoying their single lives, it looks like fun...hell, we may even be jealous of the lifestyle we once had. But then reality hits and we realize that we love our spouses and family and lives more than any "fleeting sexcapade" and would do anything to keep our family together and happy.
Only you can say whether or not you believe how far it truly meant. And in the end, it doesn't matter what REALLY happened - it only matters what you BELIEVE happened.
But there is a chance that it did not go far, and he was just being an idiot blinded by the "grass".
I keep thinking about everything over and over and I have definitely come to the same conclusion. There is something that he is not telling me. I told him that I don't want to speak to him until he can tell me the whole truth, I can't be with a liar. It's one thing to make a mistake but not to own up to it and show some decency to the person you hurt is just to much for me.
Yes he did know her from I guess a long time ago but I've never met her. His friend that he went with tried to text me and say that nothing was going on and it's not like I think. He actually said she is a friend to him no different than me and you. Um no..... the difference is that his friend is at my house four days a week and "uncle" to my children. I don't know this bitch! never even heard of her, yet they are "friends" who hold hands?? I confronted him about it and he tried to lie at first but then once I showed him the picture I had he couldn't deny it. For a while he tried to tell me that my friend must have just caught that one moment in a picture but that he didn't behave that way the whole time. Then I guess he finally realized how stupid he sounded and he confessed to everything my friend told me she saw. He swears that there is nothing more but it's taken me 4 days just to get all of this out of him. I specifically asked him if he would have told me if he hadn't been caught and he was honest and said no, probably not. He said he knew it went to far and he was already guilty which was why he was on his way to break up my girls night and see me.I honestly just don't know what to believe because I really never imagined he could do this, now I feel like I don't even know him. How do you sit there and act like you're with someone else at a crowded football game that was supposed to be boys only, when you have a wife and kids at home? He has humiliated me cause there is no telling who else witnessed this but just doesn't want to say anything.