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  • momma2Amomma2A
    Posts: 855Member
    So I'm going out on a limb and posting this question and I don't mean to offend or be rude at all. I have a friend who had a miscarriage at about 14weeks and SO and I were just watching a show that they had one at 18 weeks.

    I wondered what happens when you have a miscarriage at home and you find the fetus. What are you supposed to do with it? I assume in the hospital they would tell you your options, but around here they just tell you to go home that there's "nothin they can do for you" I know my friend actually saw hers and had her hubby take it. I never asked what they did with it.

    A friend and I were discussing it and he said "you can't bury it" but I don't really know what you would do. You can't really call a coroner?! I think maybe I would want it cremated but what do you do until you can get that done?

    Sorry it's kind of morbid and if it's too much feel free to remove this but I figured if anyone has opinions it would be you scary mommies! I have always feared this but now that it happened to a friend it made me wonder what I would do in the situation.
  • CrashCrash
    Posts: 8,541Member
    This is one of those creepy things I have no fucking idea what I'd do. My husband deals with the dead bodies once there is one. So far, only dogs and puppies.....but still. I'm guessing at 18 weeks you'd still be able to flush it *gag*, but what else are you going to do? Wash it up and bury it in the garden? I'd be avoiding that spot for years. I really hope I never have to deal with this.
    See ya in another life, sister!
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,366Member
    My aunt had an medically needed abortion ( the baby would not live once he/she was born and it was putting her life in risk) they claimed the body of the child. My uncle made a coffin and a vault for the baby, had a small memorial service. Closed casket I think , I wasn't invited just a few went. Then they buried the vault and casket in their yard. They did the vault so if they move they can dig the vault up and take the baby with them to their new house. I wouldn't want to leave the baby behind ! They decided aginst trying for another baby though because of her health issues.
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • beambeam
    Posts: 1,083Member
    I miscarried at 13 weeks but the fetus had been dead for a 4 weeks (I had absolutely no warning signs and the fetus had apparently died shortly after an ultrasound with heartbeat). Unfortunately, I miscarried at home (a few days before the scheduled D&C) and it was a constant worry of mine. I think the fetus had, um, decomposed a bit or I didn't see it. I did look for it but there was a lot of blood and blood clots. If I had found it, I don't know what I would have done as I live in an apartment so there is no where to bury it...My SO didn't know either (he was there every step of the way) but I think it would have been something you decide when you need to.    
    "Magic things are fond of deceptions.” ― Tom Robbins
  • PurpleFlowersPurpleFlowers
    Posts: 5,786Member
    I actually saw it. It was a horrible thing. I had no idea what to do. I didnt save it.
    Stay away from my chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

    I think I like who I am becoming...
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,528
    I miscarried at 9 weeks, but the baby was the size of 6 weeks. I wasn't able to tell it apart from any other clot, thank goodness. Though I wasn't really looking for it.
    Get me a damn beer.
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,715Confessional Manager
    Oh my goodness these stories are heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for your loss, all of you.

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • serenitynowserenitynow
    Posts: 2,179Member

    i think the reason they say "there's nothing we can do for you" is probably because they don't consider it anything more than a miscarriage unless it was 20 weeks or older. then it would be considered a stillborn.

    i had one at 9 weeks. my baby had no heartbeat when i went for the u/s and the doctor gave me pills so i could basically control when i would have the miscarriage. so i wouldn't be at work or the mall or something and just start bleeding all over the place. but the nurse gave me a cup that you would pee in to put in the tissue if i wanted. since mine was so early i couldn't tell the difference between a baby and a clot like @notsohotmomma. but if i was farther along where i would be able to tell, i would bury it.  i hate that just because you're not to a certain amount of weeks they just don't even consider that you lost a child. to me it was my baby from the time i found i was pregnant. and if i could have actually seen a baby, i would have buried it. maybe i'm just a weirdo though.

  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,366Member
    @serenitynow no you are not a werido. I would want to do the same thing.

    I am sorry for all of you ladies who have had this kind of loss . Sensing hugs and prayers to all of you.
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • pistolpackingmomma
    Posts: 1,068Member
    i've miscarried early on more times than i care to count and well, sometimes, depending on how far along i was i couldn't tell the difference between the baby and the clots.  twice i was able to see the baby when i had it (it was a more gray than the red clots etc and it was in the sac and obvious.)  those times, i held my own personal dedication and a ritual along the lines with my faith/beliefs and buried the baby near a tree.  ugh, been a while since i have thought about all this.  i really just need to step out for a minute.....
    Photobucket
  • LLB
    Posts: 3,382Member
    Odd that you should mention this today as I was just thinking about it yesterday. My loss was at 9 weeks and ectopic. They gave me methotrexate to "dissolve" the baby so i wouldn't need surgery to remove it. What came out didn't resemble a baby. There really wasnt anything but some blood.

    I am currently 17+ weeks and have a high risk of preterm labor (before viability) so at this point it definately would look like a baby if i lost it. I know that here they consider anything over 20 weeks stillborn and you get a death certificate and can cremate the body or bury it. Anything before that point it's basically considered medical waste. :-(

    Totally not somewhere I want to admit my mind went to but alas it kept me up all night wondering what I would do.
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 5,638Member
    I don't think a funeral home would refuse you if you took the baby's body there and asked to have it cremated. If that was what you wanted, of course. But I don't know if there are laws governing this or not.
    "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof bullshit detector.” - Ernest Hemingway
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,788Member
    I cant really take part in this discussion, I just want to send out hugs! xxx
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • WildandFree
    Posts: 1,721Member
    @llb like you I was 9-10 weeks with an ectopic pregnancy and got the same medication. The blood flowed heavier and I had two large clots but nothing that resembled anything that I could tell..
  • WildandFree
    Posts: 1,721Member
    PS I'm sorry to all you ladies too ((hugs))
  • momma2Amomma2A
    Posts: 855Member
    I'm so sorry to all you ladies who have had to go through this. And I know everyone deals in their own way, in my opinion a baby is a baby from the time you conceive. if I had a miscarriage and like my friend, could actually see the baby I would want to do something with it like a burial.
  • sparkles2307sparkles2307
    Posts: 63Member
    If, God forbid, I ever went thru that I imagine I would call the funeral home or my church to figure out what to do.  I couldnt just flush it if I could see it... The only one I've lost was only 4 or 5 weeks and just a lot of heavy bleeding and large clots. 
  • WebosMama
    Posts: 161Member
    My sister had one at 21-weeks. And, I got to call around finding a funeral home for the hospital to send the baby to. Once you say pre-term (or stillborn), most funeral homes pick up and cremate for free and are very kind to the poor soul calling to find out. They will probably let you bring the remains in from home as well.
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    When I had mine it lasted a few days and I finally went back to the er b/c the pain got so bad and it wasn't coming out by itself, they had me spread my legs on a regular old table in the er, didn't bother to admit me or put me in a ob/gyn room with the proper equipment, then they pulled the baby out with forceps and threw it in the trash can. It must have had some substance b/c I heard it clang in the metal trash can. I was about 9 weeks probably. They didn't ask me what I wanted to do or tell me anything, they just threw it away, I mean actually tossed it. Then they sent me home without a word of condolence, nothing. They had no consideration or respect for me at all. I'm sure it didn't look like a baby but still I will never forget that sound. If they had asked me idk if I would have done any differently, but they could have been a little more discreet, instead of just CLANG! They just didn't give a shit. I was unmarried with no insurance, I'm sure they thought I was just trash. I bet if I had insurance I would have been admitted and actually taken care of and made sure I was ok before they sent me home. I'm lucky they got everything out and I didn't get a bad infection. It was awful.
    ~slim shady~
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    I'm so sorry I have no idea why that posted so many times
    ~slim shady~
  • Sabzzy
    Posts: 677Member
    shadylane said:

    When I had mine it lasted a few days and I finally went back to the er b/c the pain got so bad and it wasn't coming out by itself, they had me spread my legs on a regular old table in the er, didn't bother to admit me or put me in a ob/gyn room with the proper equipment, then they pulled the baby out with forceps and threw it in the trash can. It must have had some substance b/c I heard it clang in the metal trash can. I was about 9 weeks probably. They didn't ask me what I wanted to do or tell me anything, they just threw it away, I mean actually tossed it. Then they sent me home without a word of condolence, nothing. They had no consideration or respect for me at all. I'm sure it didn't look like a baby but still I will never forget that sound. If they had asked me idk if I would have done any differently, but they could have been a little more discreet, instead of just CLANG! They just didn't give a shit. I was unmarried with no insurance, I'm sure they thought I was just trash. I bet if I had insurance I would have been admitted and actually taken care of and made sure I was ok before they sent me home. I'm lucky they got everything out and I didn't get a bad infection. It was awful.



    This just made me tear up a little. I'm so, so, SO sorry you had that experience.  >:D<
    We buy things we don't need
    With money we don't have
    To impress people we don't like
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    Oh thanks its ok though, that was actually not even the worst medical experience I've had as a single uninsured mother
    ~slim shady~
  • jacigirl6354
    Posts: 199Member
    I was around 9 or 10 weeks when I had mine, as well. I bled for a few days at home and then had the D&C at the hospital. We did not take the remains for burial or cremation. I guess I didn't even think about it at the time...not sure why not! 
  • momma2Amomma2A
    Posts: 855Member
    It amazes me that you get treated so horribly for having no insurance in the states. I couldn't imagine treating someone as lower class citizens. @shadylane that's unacceptable the way they treated you and your miscarriage I'm so sorry that was your experience
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 9,366Member
    @shadylane I wish I could go back in time and hold your hand, then go knock some " Drs" teeth out !!!
    My cousin had many issues when he was shot IN THE FACE when he lived in New Orleans. He did not have insurance and he had to wait and wait and finally a few days later they got around to doing the operation he needed. Plastic surgeon wasn't that good either, or maybe they waited too long . One of his eyes is lower than the other now.
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
    " I'm a leafe on the wind..watch how I soar ." Wash :((
    " Oh the wall had it comming.' Sherlock Holmes
    yea I am geek !!
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,715Confessional Manager
    OMG @shadylane I wish I could take away the experience for you. That is so unimaginable. I'm so so sorry.  >:D<

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
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