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sharing finances
  • firstwife87
    Posts: 56Member
    So, I'm the spender in the family. DH busts his balls and saves every penny and I will go blow $100 at Wal-Mart without blinking an eye. I'm terrible with things like credit cards and paying bills, and I drive my husband crazy most of the time. 

    When we were married, I closed my bank account and he added me onto his. This has been pretty much a constant source of anxiety for me, for really no reason at all. DH is true blue, as they say. He takes his religion very seriously, and I truly believe he will never cheat or abuse me. My very independent mother has nurtured my doubts though, and thinks I need my own bank account and a sizable nest egg in case I ever have to ditch with the kids.

    And it makes sense logically, I know that. But every time DH and I fight, I start daydreaming about how I'm going to fuck off and how I would make it on my own because I'm so close to leaving him, and it's never about anything important anyway. I just get into this mindset that I need to be self-sufficient, and it makes me do things like take some money out of our tithe money and hoard any cash I come across for fear that I'll need it someday to leave my husband. It's been a huge source of tension.

    I'm wondering, ladies, how do you and DH do your finances? Are you the breadwinner? How do you feel being dependent on DH? Do you feel trapped? 
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 4,245Member
    We both work and we keep our own accounts. I have a savings and a retirement account, as well as a checking. He only has a checking account. Now my savings isn't really to save indefinitely, I just put any extra I have in it to draw out when we are strapped. But my retirement is never touched. But if I ever needed to I could borrow against it, so I consider that my emergency plan.

    I don't think its a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket. I don't depend on Dh financially, and he doesn't depend on me. We each have bills that we pay, and the rest of our money is each of ours. We don't ever argue about money. There's never a reason to. I can't tell him how to spend what he earns, and I'd pitch one helluva fit if he tried to tell me how to spend mine. As long as bills are paid, and everyone has all their needs met, we are good. We do help each other out if one of us is having a short month, but lately we've been doing really well.

    Judgement comes in many forms but never scarce or shy
  • squishsquish
    Posts: 743Member
    My Dh and I have separate checking accounts and one joint account and joint savings. I'm the saver/type a record keeper. I need my check log and I wrote everything down so I know my balance to the penny. Dh is much more liberal in his spending and tracking which is why we can't be on the same account. He doesn't keep receipts and I need to know what I have at all times. I manage all finances though. Mine, his, and ours. I move money to pay bills, I keep him updated in his balance and I make sure things are paid on pay day before he gets his hands on his money.

    I guess if I ever became a sahm, we would cut it down to just the joint account and he would have to do what I say and he would go on an allowance. With cash. That debit card would be mine.

    I have a lot of faith in my marriage and we are in it for the long haul. We are both serial monogamists. I have no need to make an escape plan or hoard any money. But I do know that I can make it on my own and more importantly, Dh knows I can and that I don't really need him
  • goodmommygoodmommy
    Posts: 1,573Member
    My DH and I share finances always have. we felt that when married you have to have faith. I am not the breadwinner in fact I only work one day a week. I do not feel trapped because I am in college, I have my own credit cards, a new car, and a job I can work full time if I needed to. <---having these things keep me sane I need them because I too sometimes dream of leaving just because. My dh never even mentions the fact that I'm barely working and he works a lot so me being dependent on him isn't a huge deal. Because we have a joint account I never have to ask him for $$. I think you should have faith and give your all. How would u feel if your DH was hiding money as well? Do you feel like your DH would screw you over if you left? If you do then by all means please save money!! If not then put that tithe money back in the collection plate where it belongs ;) (and get a few just in case credit cards)
    "Allons-y"
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 6,346Member
    We share an account after everything is paid and groceries bought we take half and stick it in his parents safe and we can't touch it. Its for emergencies only and that has to be verified as his father sees as an emergency. So running out of smokes will not cut it it neither will the car breaking down... since he's are mechanic... but if one of the kids gets hurt or df is out of work for some reason we can survive. What ever is left after that we use to do something with the kids.
    mom of wild children
    going to the chapel 7/5/2014
  • KiinuKiinu
    Posts: 1,160Member
    DH and I share finances, and by share finances I mean $400 of his money goes into my checking account from his bi-weekly check, my CS from DS's biodaddy goes into my checking acct., and a bit of all checks get's tossed into the savings account (which is also, in my name) Whatever is left over get's put on his prepaid wal-mart card. He's got to pay off a loan that got messed up by his ExW before he can open a bank account. but we need an account to pay rent/bills/ect. And I demanded a savings account for lawyers/vacations/wedding/ohshit-fund.

    So while I AM dependent on his income, he readily tosses about half of his income into accounts he technically can't access. I "pay" the rent and electric bill and my cellphone from the CS and money that DH puts in my account. He pays gas, car insurance, CS to his girls, his own cellphone, and his coffee/cigg/mountaindew addiction on his card.

    We've never fought about money, but he also knows if he feels like he's burning out that I'll drop my classes to part time to get a job so he can have just one.
  • BeachyBeachy
    Posts: 3,936Member
    Me = slacker
    Him= über responsible
    We have had joint account for like 20 years. Even when we weren't married.
    I was the head bread winner until recently.
    I am having a hard time asking for money. It demoralizes me in some way?
    I am going to school right now. He supports that choice BUT
    I really hate asking for money for fuckin tampons. Really.
    My solution is he gives me an allowance for personal use, cash will work fine, then I can do whatever with it.
    He has not complied.
    But that's what I would advise to you, and any SAHM.
    Searching for my lost shaker of salt.
  • stinkersmommystinkersmommy
    Posts: 1,322Member
    We have 2 joint accounts and discuss everything he is the only income but I am the bill payer but we are both horrendous with the leftover amt after bills and groceries etc. My son is SpOILED ass rotten because after bills we are baaaad at NO!
    Glitter Words
    [Glitterfy.com - *Glitter Words*]
  • missmama5missmama5
    Posts: 3,656Member
    I am a stay at home mother, he is the only one who makes money. We both take care of budgeting etc. as a couple. We fight about money sometimes but that's just part of the territory I suppose. When I go back to work eventually it will be the same. Money gets pooled and siphoned out accordingly.
  • tothemoonandbacktothemoonandback
    Posts: 2,142Member
    We both work, but he makes a shit ton more than I do (like thousands more a month than me, I work part time now).  We have joint everything, and both use the money in our accounts as we choose, we talk about huge purchases of course.  He does all the bill paying, we don't really have a budget, I try to stay mindful about what I spend on 'extras', I'm pretty frugal by nature.
    Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn Monroe
  • KellynnKellynn
    Posts: 1,986Member
    Up until this fall we both worked. Now, years before, in my first marriage, I quit work to stay home with dd. We ended up getting divorced, and were it not for my parents, who bought me a house near them, and my teaching degree, I would have been HOMELESS, and that rat bastard wouldn't have given a shit. I vowed then and there to never be dependent on a man again. Since then I have worked full time, built a pension and retirement fund all my own. I think if you are a sahm, part of the paycheck should go to an IRA in just your name, as well as a 401k/retirement fund. You MAY get child support if you divorce, but you can never count on it. And how will you live till it's all settled? Sometimes it takes a year or two. So my advice would be: make sure you have some type of training or education you can fall back on if you need to begin working again, and have some type of IRA in your name only.
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 5,498Member

    We each have our own accounts and a couple of joint accounts, as well. DH pays all the bills from his account, just because it's simpler and easier to track if one person pays the bills. I transfer money to his account for my share. We don't split everything down the middle. Sometimes he pays more, sometimes I do. We're pretty much on the same page when it comes to finances (we both grew up watching our parents struggle with debt, so we're cautious with our money but also believe in having some fun), so we almost never have arguments about money. We tell each other about any purchases that aren't necessities and as long as our financial obligations are being met, neither of us gets on the other's case about discretionary spending.


    However, even though my DH and I have the same approach to finances, I would never, and I mean NEVER be dependent on anyone financially. I love my husband dearly and I don't expect our marriage to fail, but you never really know what can happen. I value my independence and take pride in the fact that if something were to happen, I could take care of myself and my daughter just fine. For me, it's all about building a little security in a very uncertain world.

    "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof bullshit detector.” - Ernest Hemingway
  • WildandFree
    Posts: 1,597Member
    Both separate accounts. However, I am the bread winner and bill payer. He is terrible with spending money so when he gets paid, his allotment for his share of bills goes into his checking out, and the remainder goes into my account where I give him money on an as needed basis or to hang onto. I keep track of all of the bills and my checking account to the penny. I budget us and have a savings that I cannot touch through my job, life insurance for myself & the kids, and a pension started as well. Each kid also has a trust fund started by my parents when they were born that we (myself & dh) contribute to on a monthly basis (even if its $5-20, it's something!). So I mean, we live in an apartment, both have a nice car and do not go without. Eventually we will have a house, but I'd like us to be completely comfortable and have a size able chunk saved bedore we do because we were poor as fuck for YEARS until about 6 months ago... I'd rather not go back to that mess.

    As a woman seeing three women in a row become sahms in the last yesr then being fucked over by their men, I would NEVER rely soley on a man to take care of me. I will ALWAYS advocate for having some sort of education or skill to fall back on at the very least God forbid the douche bag leaves you or dies and has no life insurance/savings/will etc (the latter JUST happened to my mil... Fil died & has nothing but debt and wreckage and she lost her car, their apartment and fell behind on bills all because she was reliant on him to take care of things & only worked part time...). Nope, I'd say trust him of course, but at some point you need to think of yourself and kids. If anything, things will be smooth forever and that money can go straight to your children/grandchildren when you die but you always had the security of knowing you could handle it on your own if he left or died.
  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,716Member

    im dependent on dh. two words for why i know he will never screw me over: his mother. i wouldnt have to kill him, she would. once our kids are in K, im back to work anyway.

    we got the house!!!!! i have worked so hard for 5 years to get us in a spot to buy! isnt it cute?!?!?!?
  • msperry
    Posts: 70Member
    my husband and I have to have seperate accts and we devide the bills based on what we make.
  • msperry
    Posts: 70Member

    I have recently been jobless and have to depend on his financess and it sucks

     

  • rorysmom1
    Posts: 64Member
    If you dont have a job getting one is a good idea to consider because having some of your own money may help ease the feelings that you are having. I know its hard to save and its hard not to spend sometimes.... we all need that relieve to spend some and spluge but to konw a limit is to understand. I think its great he is open to sharing... but you should still have a back up just incase your really not happy ya know
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