• SassySassy
    Posts: 4,488Member
    I want to be married to SO. Its not a secret. The problem is that the longer we are together unmarried with a baby the less I even want to have a wedding. I feel like it is pointless to celebrate a "new" step in life when the only difference will be a piece of paper. Like we are past the point of deserving a wedding.

    I keep getting sadder and sadder that everything in my life is out of order. Nothing is happening like it is supposed to and it kills me. No one understands why it matters so much to me, but I don't feel like I have control over anything anymore and it bothers me so much!

    A proposal is pointless because he already knows I'll say yes.

    Its just all ruined.
  • momsaidnomomsaidno
    Posts: 1,796Member
    I'm sorry, every woman should have there dream wedding! it is really depressing. I was pregnant so my so and i decided to get married. seemed like the thing to do. no proposal, no special surprise. it really was kinda sad. 
    If you want to get married you should do it. it doesn't matter if it is just a piece of paper. it will  mean something to you!

  • RosamundiRosamundi
    Posts: 1,412Member
    Hey girl! It's not ruined! Doing things out of "order" doesn't make you any less deserving of having a beautiful day celebrating your family! The ceremony itself is the most important part, committing to raise your baby as a permanent, stable couple is a beautiful thing. The dress and hoopla is fun, but not as important IMHO.

    My husband's theory is that no man EVER proposes if he thinks the answer might be no! Could you propose to him?

    If a big wedding is important to you, then HAVE ONE! You only live once. If people have a problem with it, then don't invite them. And, seriously, you are not the only one in the exact same situation. People marry their partners after having kids with them all the time!

    Bottom line, it's your life: enjoy it, don't apologize for it.

    Good luck!!!! <3
  • WickedDunkieJunkieWickedDunkieJunkie
    Posts: 8,649Member
    My ex & I were so young when we had our first... then second... then third...

    I wanted to get married... but everyone keep saying, "What's the big deal? It's just a piece of paper."

    Please don't think like that.
    Just because you are together & love eachother... already have a child...
    It's still a *new* commitment...
    It really does change things inside you.

    That's not to say everyone should have to get married. If someone doesn't want to, that's okay. But, you obviously want to.

    Your proposal will be special because it's YOURS... no matter the *order of events*.

    We Are The Music Makers... And We Are The Dreamers Of Dreams...

  • MorganD
    Posts: 3,436Member
    Oh, honey, don't see it that way! Everything about a proposal and marriage should be special. My guy knows that I want to marry him, but his ass BETTER get on one knee and ask anyways. I want it all. The wedding, the ring, sharing his last name. I want a legal claim on that man that will last a lifetime. There's nothing better in my mind. Don't let the "order" of things bother you! I got pregnant in hs, then married my best friend, then had another baby after the first. Now, I'm with my SO, still trying to get a divorce, and I have a third baby with SO. I did things so wonky, I'm surprised I can even tell the story and have it make sense. *hugs* Be happy...and let it all be special. Picture your man on one knee, all nervous, fumbling with the ring, stuttering out that special question...doesn't that make you smile?
  • BeachyBeachy
    Posts: 4,697Member
    I agree with a that was said!
    This might not be an option for you, but after so and I had been together for 7 yrs and lived together for a few yrs prior I just said to him if you aren't going to propose there is no point to us continuing this relationship. Bc I didn't see the point if it wasn't ending in marriage.
    He was taken aback, it didn't dawn on him that marriage was necessary bc we already lived together.
    He proposed 2 weeks later, in the rain, on his knee, at Disneyland where we had our first date.
    Maybe he needs you to spell out your expectations of your relationship. Men get complacent.
    Good luck! And hugs!
    Searching for my lost shaker of salt.
  • mommyof2_76
    Posts: 494Member
    I've been with my Dh for 20 yrs now. We just got married on 1/1/11. You should have the wedding you want no matter the order.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    can i give you a hint? make shit easy? ask someone you trust to watch the kids for one weekend. do it a month in advance. ge to the j.p., get married, skip the caterer and registry and invitation bullshit, when you get back, invite the people you actually love (and the ones that watched your kids) to a house party, and announce you got married. maybe...the people that watched your kids, give them notice, and maybe  tell them first. as soon as you get home. a full weekend of free babysitter is a super fantastic wedding present.
    i'm nekkid.
  • GingersnapGingersnap
    Posts: 9,696Member
    Anytime I hear myself saying "supposed to" or "should" I examine what I'm saying more closely. There's so much I don't have control over. That's life. For everyone.

    So, I say, have the wedding you want. Why not? This is your life and it's not scripted.
    “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” ― Joseph Campbell
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    @Sassy, I did everything "backwards"

    Had 2 kids before dh and I even started dating. When we decided to get married, neither of us wanted a traditional big wedding, but we still wanted it to be a little bit more than a courthouse formality.

    We ended up doing a destination package at a little b & b about 5 hours from us. Wedding ceremony, pictures, toast, honeymoon all included. I got to wear my wedding dress, h was in a New Suit, my sis and bil and my kids were there. It was perfect for *us*

    I guess what my point is, do it however it makes YOU happy. If you want a big wedding, do it! Don't let your or anyone else's ideas of how it 'should' be done stop you from celebrating your commitment to each other however you want.
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • RuralRebellionRuralRebellion
    Posts: 2,817Member
    @Sassy I feel just like you.  When DH and I got engaged, I thought about a small wedding.  Then that changed to us saving for the honeymoon and getting married on the beach somewhere.  Then eloping in Niagara Falls, simply because we were there one weekend.  Then city hall.  Now I have no desire to be actually wed to him, even though I want to have the same last name as DD.  It's just a piece of paper, and a major headache IF we were to divorce.  Last month our lives officially became a movie title, 5 year engagement.  Let's see if we can make it 10  :P
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Most everyone's mad here. You may notice that I'm not all there myself.
  • gramalibbygramalibby
    Posts: 3,744Member
    This life is about what makes you both of you happy, not what others think . I agree w the above voices of my SM.
  • missmama5missmama5
    Posts: 6,874Member
    What @undercoverbanana said....
    Dh and I got married in April 2009. It was a very small ceremony, close family & friends, in front of a justice of the peace at city hall. We exchanged beautiful rings, my son was 2 and he wore a little suit and tie. Honestly, it was a really perfect day. I wore a navy blue dress, because God knows I'm no virgin in white ;) we had a big party at my in laws house after, cut the cake etc.
    He didn't propose either. we just both agreed that we wanted to be married, and so we did.
    For me, marriage is about the joining of hearts. Not a dress, not a vision of the"perfect"day. Not thousands of dollars worth of debt for caterers and flowers and shit. It's about love lasting forever, and if I had done it all the "right" way, I'd have married my sons bio dad and be stuck in a divorce. We haven't been together since kiddo was 8 months old. So I did it the wrong way, and it turned out to be right anyways. I love dh with all my heart, every day, and that's what matters.
    I hope you find happiness, even if it's the imperfect kind. :)
  • lefty63
    Posts: 407Member
    Have the wedding you want. I'd like to add that it's more than a piece of paper - if you aren't married and something happens you can be blocked from making medical and/or legal decisions for your SO by their family. Something to think about.
  • jennicap
    Posts: 3Member
    we lived together for 4 years, dating for 5 years before we finally got married. We didn't have children together but we were raising my stepson. The only thing that changed was "a piece of paper" but we still had a modest wedding and honeymoon and we loved it! If you want a wedding you should have one!
  • SassySassy
    Posts: 4,488Member
    @undercoverbanana I don't want to elope because I'm my father's only daughter and I don't want him to lose the chance to walk me down the aisle. It is literally the ONLY thing he requested of me when we talked about it a while back. It would break his heart. 

    @katz_meow I never wanted a big wedding. Still don't. Just something small and intimate so my dad can walk me down the aisle and our families can bear witness. 

    @lefty63 I know about the legal parts, and I honestly don't want to think about it! :( What I mean when I say only a piece of paper would change is that the dynamic of our relationship is set, and just getting married won't change that if we don't let it change that. 

    Thank you everybody for responding to this. I know its petty, but it is something big to me. >:)<
  • SassySassy
    Posts: 4,488Member
    Oh, no.  >:D<
  • SalllyWingo
    Posts: 1,557Member
    I don't give a shit about what anyone thinks anymore. We're happy and things will happen as they're supposed to. YOU do what YOU & your SO want to do, when & how you want to do it
  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,851Member
    It seems to me that you feel very strongly about getting married and it's what you want.  I think in your heart it means more than simply a piece of paper.

    You wedding does not have to be elaborate in order to be meaningful.  You can have a small ceremony before a justice of the peace or a minister.  It can be in the courthouse, a church, a park, someone's home; any place that's meaningful to you and SO.  You can have as many people attend as you wish.  Clergy and justices of the peace will want at least two people to serve as witnesses,

    Regarding a reception, it doesn't have to be the same day as the wedding.  You can have it at a later date.  You also can just invite close friends and family to a celebration in your home or at a restaurant.  I know someone who had a cookout in the park and all had a wonderful time.

    You and SO may simply choose to live together, but my gut tells me that you want to be married to him.  All the best to both of you!
  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,851Member
    @MorganD, I'm LMAO on the second line of your post: "his ass BETTER on one knee...!"
  • DaisyChainDaisyChain
    Posts: 369Member
    I can honestly say i know how you feel a bit right now.. my partner and i have been together 4 and a half years... im 9 months pregnant.. still no ring.. he knows i want to marry him.. he says he wants to marry me.. but i sorta feel the same.. whats even the point now.. everyone knows we are together.. having together.. everyone says oh its just a bit of paper.. but it isnt!!! its a committment to me.. its knowing he isnt waiting for someone better to come along.. that hes happy with me.. its sharing his last name as a family.. having rights if something were to ever happen to him.. its people seeing the ring on ur finger and u with a baby and knowing theres someone out there who loves you and is waiting for u to come home.. theres always some excuse tho.. like no money is my partners.. but gee you cant even propose to me so we can be engaged and save for a wedding? :(