Do's and Don'ts before a highly anticipated roll in the hay with a GORGEOUS man
  • Ok, so first of all...Hi my ladies.
    You don't know me, but I know yoooouuuu   >:)
    I'm a regular on the boards and this is my super secret account name...and I'm resorting to using it now because these are dire circumstances and im super embarrassed, nervous, excited...I fucking need you all's help.

    Heres the situation...
    Say you're going to see a really beautiful man in a few weeks that you've known personally for a very long time, but never sexually.
    We met years ago through mutual friends, and the chemistry has always been sooo hot, but we've just never crossed paths in this way.
    We live about 4 hours apart.
    So we have started talking again, things are going really well.
    We talk on the phone nightly and exchange emails daily while at work.
    So last night he came out and said what we've both been thinking...we're both sick of waiting.
    Hes coming here in 2 weeks and things ARE going to get physical between us.

    I'll admit, its been awhile since I've felt this way about someone.
    I am stoked.
    My thing is I don't care about him, hes gorgeous and an ace all on his own, even with his flaws...but on my own part, I'd like minimal bedroom mishaps, funny noises, strange smells, tastes...everything.
    I want to be a fucking goddess...this guy just does it for me.

    So my question is...what do you ladies do to prepare for a romp like this?

    Workout of course, which I do anyway (tons of cardio and extra yoga for optimum flexibility...wink)  and I eat I am not talking cheeseburgers and fries here.
    Im talking about different fruits, vegetables, dairy, meats(?) if so which ones to go for and which ones to stay away from.

    But like what foods do you eat to make yourself taste better...
    What kinds of foods should I TOTALLY avoid for bloat, gas etc...
    What kinds of things to do you to start prepping your body.

    We've discussed not opposed to it, neither is he.
    We both want this first time to be awesome and intimate...but if we really get into it and get into dirty, sexy enough moods and go for it...what the hell, should I give myself an enema beforehand so im clean in there?  Just in case?

    And when the hell should I shave?  The day of?  The day before? 
    I dont want razor burn but I dont want stubble either...Jesus, being a woman is frightening sometimes.

    He is not mean or pressuring me in any way, this is all me...And i think the reason I am so nervous and wanting to be on top of my game is because he is sooooo good looking.
    Like unrealistically hot.
    So, the pressure is on.

    I have seen different things on the internet....but i want to know from women I trust.
    What has worked for you?
    What has completely failed?

    For the love of GOD what the FUCK do I do? 
    I am so scared!!!
    Tell me EVERYTHING!!

  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member

    DO shave your pits.

    DONT eat mexican food before you go to bed with the guy.

    DO shave what you want to shave, but moisturize like hell so you don't itch.

    DONT talk about your ex.

    DO wear waterproof, smudgeproof eyemakeup so you don't look like a racoon in the morning.

    celery, pineapple and apples will make your body sweeter.......

    DO avoid sodas, so you are not bloated and belchy and gassy.

    DONT make too much of a fuss over the guy, and spoil him more than he spoils you.


    i'm nekkid.
  • AloneOverseasAloneOverseas
    Posts: 2,312Member
    Shower, brush and floss your teeth, put on deodorant and you're good to go! Lol
    I love purple; I love cats. Imagine if cats were purple ...
  • PurpleFlowersPurpleFlowers
    Posts: 6,043Member
    I think the ones above me pretty much covered it. I just wanna say... Im so jealous!! Have fun and share it with us afterward ;)
    Stay away from my chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

    I think I like who I am becoming...
  • I love you Scaries and knew i could count on you guys for real advice.
    Those are perfect answers!
    Exactly what  i was looking for, thank you.
    And although it sounds like I'm going ape shit and making a fuss over him...I AM! 
    But its all in my head and somehow by the grace of God I'm managing to play it cool on the outside.
    My inside is losing her mind.

    He is a good man.  He's got a good heart.
    I definitely won't spoil him, but I fear it will be the other way around.
    That he will spoil the hell out of me and that I'll lose myself and fall hard.
    I'm trying not to think that far in advance.
    But I am getting the feeling...{deep breath} the feelings regarding fear of falling are mutual.

    And maybe thats what has me in such a mini-panic.
    This is scary

    Scary because...we've both been married.  We've both been hurt.  We're 4 hours away from each other and we both have lives and steady jobs...we also both have kids.

    But just knowing him, his demeanor, how he talks, how he is with others...this is going to. be. epic.

    And I will @purpleflowers, divulge everything!

  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    Relax and don't fart.


    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • I'm gonna fart I just know it...
    I can feel it.
    With my luck, its going to happen.

  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member

    Relax and don't fart.

    Pretty sure if you're too relaxed, that's when you fart. Lol. Have Fun! Sounds like you will have an awesome time!
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • undercoverbanana
    Posts: 12,609Member
    oh get some new lube and blame any fart noises on the lube.
    i'm nekkid.
  • If I fart in bed with this man I will die. 
    Literally die.
    This CANNOT happen

    You understand why...
  • missmama5missmama5
    Posts: 6,874Member
    Awww, it sounds like you're already falling for him honey. Hate to break it to ya.
    Good luck. Just be you, and be clean lol whatever else comes along you can and will handle.
  • ChibikoChibiko
    Posts: 3,329Member
    Relax and have fun!  Oh and don't forget to report back.  I'm living vicariously through you here.  :)
    "We all cross over to the dark side at one point. We just all have different temptations" ~MarySunshine

    "You were the truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all" ~Death Cab for Cutie
  • gramalibbygramalibby
    Posts: 3,744Member
    Yeah with the anal fingers and lots of lube and go slow ......maybe a dildo with front and back to "play " with beforehand. And yes an enema ain't a bad idea slow and easy teasey makes it fun.
  • pennypenny
    Posts: 1,599Member
    Just be yourself and don't forget your sense of humor. And try not to fart.
  • Oh my god, yes i'll tell you EVERYTHING.
    Im dying to tell.
    I havent even told my girlfriends.

    Hes tall, hes 6'3, looks JUST like Tom Brady (doesnt act like him), he has bright bright blue eyes and dirty blonde hair which he wears short and clean cut.  He has this sexy caramely drippy sweet fucking voice with an ever so slight southern twang that absolutely fucking kills me.

    The best part...
    He doesn't just care about sex.
    He told me he wants to HOLD me, for fucks sake. 
    That he just wants to feel my body close to his....from our foreheads and mouths down to my toes.

    Are you FUCKING kidding me...??
    And NO...thats not all...

    He said the first thing hes going to do when we first see each other no matter where we are is pull my head back super softly and just kiss my neck...a small kiss

    He said once we start having sex together we arent going to stop and so first, he just wants to "drink me in"
    Said he wants to memorize me

    THIS, Scaries is why im losing my shit.
    This is why im feeling every emotion under the sun and still trying to concentrate enough to be a good mom.

    This is why i can't fucking fart!
    I just can't!

    He will be here for two nights in mid January...the 18th and the 19th.
    I havent and wont ever tell him about Scary this is safe.
    I think..

  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    I can't be the only one who wants to know your other sm hàndle...
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • Ah my girl...I can't.
    If this goes sour id rather no one know about it, bring it up again, use it against me if i begin to date someone else ("well remember like with that LAST thought HE was real too..")

    Know what I mean.
    Like I said, I haven't even told my girlfriends.
    I am keeping this as private as I can until I can figure this out, see him face to face, read him in real life.
    But I was dying to ask those questions, what to do, what not to do....and share a little because I felt like if i didnt get it out, id explode.

    If things progress then I will come out...absolutely.
    But right now it feels like if i sneeze wrong, it will all blow away and be gone.
    Any form of a relationship is still in that delicate embryonic stage.

    I will say im not a major player on the boards.
    Im a regular and around, commenting on a board or confessing pretty much every day.
    You have probably seen me about.
    But im not one of the big guns.
    Im kind of in the background.

  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    Believe me, I understand where you're coming from. But I can't help my curiosity! I hope everything goes well for you! You deserve happiness, even if we don't know your 'real' identity. Lol
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • How about gasX beforehand? I'm not sure how well it works, but I thought of it because of a thread that I read about somebody going to explode from holding it in. They took that and felt much better. Just an idea...
    Limit coffee, onion and garlic...starting now. All can result in a bitter taste. You mentioned taste and smell were important.
  • FoulMouthedSailorFoulMouthedSailor
    Posts: 1,908Member
    Just don't go to heavy on the make up, most of guys don't like clown paint, and just be your self.
    You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, You shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
    And dreaming when they're gone.
  • StarsStars
    Posts: 1,145Member
    No broccoli! It will make you fart at least it does for me. Good luck and just enjoy!

  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    FMS has a good one! No heavy makeup. Just be yourself and you'll be fine.


    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
    Posts: 5,622Member
    Ummm... He knows you already and is wanting to meet up with YOU!

    My advice is to be yourself!!! He's expecting to see YOU not some alter ego! Wear your regular make-up, hairstyle, etc. if you overdo it your probably going to give him the wrong impression (desperation!) Desperation doesn't look good on anyone, neither does clown paint like fms said!

    Have a bottle of wine ready and have a glass or two. Don't get sloshed off your ass but just enough to allow you to RELAX and be yourself!

    Oh and make sure your visit is timed properly. Wouldn't want a visit from Aunt Flo to ruin the date!
  • DemandaDemanda
    Posts: 5,920Member
    This is exciting, I love my man but I sort of miss those days! I don't know if you're up to it, but I always feel super sexy and DTF after a Brazilian...
    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." ~ Gloria SteinemPhotobucket
  • cornwallus24
    Posts: 30Member
    This is a man's point of view.If he want's you as much as you say he does then isn't going to matter if you smell like Old Spice.He'll be in heaven just to feel and touch you.Don't over think this.Enjoy the moment as nothing ever come's close to the first time.I mean NOTHING! I also agree with all skip the veggie's.
  • I was thinking about a brazilian @Demanda - but the only thing that has kept me from doing it is because the first time I got my eyebrows waxed they blistered and scabbed, and it looked so scary that i've stayed away from waxing altogether.
    I pluck the eyebrows, shave or veet everything else.
    Want to try a brazilian so bad though...they look amazing.
    But imagine having a blistered and scabbed poon?
    My god...

    Thanks for the great words of support ladies (and guys)
    Im not big on makeup anyway and he knows this.
    I dont even wear heels.
    Im a flip flop and converse girl.

    So, lots of fruit.
    NO veggies.
    Im guessing no dairy.
    Tons of water
    Shave the morning of
    Enema is ok.
    No mexican food (and im guessing anything else greasy)
    Cut back on onions, garlic, coffee.
    A little wine the night of
    Normal hair and makeup
    Don't forget deoderant
    and FUCK @LLB,  I didn't even THINK about my fucking period!!!  I think ill be like "any day now" that weekend or maybe a few days before. 

    Im totally going to start desensitizing my gag reflexes starting now.
    And based on a past and simply awesome you girls think I should I bleach my asshole?  ;)

    No but seriously, guys are all awesome. 
    Thank you for easing my nerves a little.
  • DemandaDemanda
    Posts: 5,920Member
    Yeeeeaaaahhh if you don't respond well to waxing it's probably not a good time to try it out. Nothing kills a mood like a blistered, scabby cooter. Well, I'd imagine, I've never encountered one, but it sounds like a turnoff lol.
    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." ~ Gloria SteinemPhotobucket
  • Marionettevie
    Posts: 2,729Member
    LMFAO! DONT BLEACH THE ASSHOLE! what if you react bad to it?? no no no.... and how do you go about desensitizing your gag reflex?
  • junglezoo
    Posts: 249Member
    Oooooooh so excited for you! Can't wait to hear how it went. You must be going apeshit waiting.

    In regards to brazilian. I've had them before and no issues. What you could do if you are interested is just try getting your bikini line waxed now and if that works fine then a couple days later do the full thing or even the landing strip. Just a thought.

    One thing H and I did when we first got together was blindfold and food sex (whip cream, sauces, etc) . Highly erotic and exciting....not that you will probably need any of that!
    I'm going to the zoo zoo zoo. You can come too too too....
  • @junglezoo - good idea as far as the waxing goes.

    @marionettevie - i havent any idea. Ill get back to you on that one. I think itll include going extra far with my tounge scraper until I learn to relax my throat muscles a little better..ill let you know how that turns out. LOL.
  • angrymama
    Posts: 515Member

    Be prepared...  He may have the littlest dick in the world.  I had one of these romances once and the bad sex and tiny dick was a deal braker.  Ohhh, the disappointment.  He was a great sexter and phone sex guy but....  omg he was so bad in bed, to this day, 10yrs later...  I still cringe!

  • angrymama
    Posts: 515Member
    BTW ladies, she mentioned Tom Brady...  I am thinking our secret SM is from Massachusetts.
  • WabiSabiLife
    Posts: 131Member
    Someone mentioned new lube, and someone else mentioned food, which brings me to the wonder-thing du jour: coconut oil. I've been using it for lube and it's been great. And I don't care how much of it I ingest ;) (because the ingredient label on actual lubes? Gross)
  • AKimiBAKimiB
    Posts: 1,809Member
    Stay away from onions!

    As far as farting, maybe some music to enhance sexy-time. That way if it slips, it will be at least somewhat masked by music...
    If you have a snot-sucker bulb that you don't use for kids anymore, fill it with warm saltwater and (it'll take a few squirts) give yourself an enema. That way, you don't have an embarrassing enema box hanging out in the trash.
    Shave half a day before. Try with a disposable and baby oil. Your skin will be coated and protected, less chance of razor burn. After you've shaved, rub in the baby oil then take a shower (to get the hair off and to smell pretty. :) )
    Hair? Do it up in a style that can be taken down easily or will look sexy messy. Loose side ponta few strands around your face. Clip half of it up with a little bit of poof on top.
    Pineapple/apple/celery munching a DAY BEFORE the meeting... That way you have time for it to *get out* of your digestive system. (read: poop)

    Go light on the makeup, maybe facial moisturizer, a *little* powder, and a little bit of eyeliner shadow (it doesn't run as readily as pencil or liquid.)

    Tend your feet! Pumice, Vaseline socks, paint your toenails. Make them nice and soft! :)

    And most importantly, HAVE FUN!
    Don't be too timid to the point of boring. If something doesn't quite go according to plan, laugh it off with him. Nothing is sexier than a lady that can laugh. It makes things INTERESTING!

    Good luck, doll!!!
    SMSM_s_5 photo SMSM_s_5_zps5d122d86.jpg
  • Dragonbabyx3Dragonbabyx3
    Posts: 1,467Member
    as far as waxing down there... and all that fun stuff...  Go to walmart, in the MENS shaving section look for a black and gold tin called Magic. It's freaking awesome!!!  They have some already mixed but I havent tried it.  I always just mix my own.  use warm water and make it thick!  Use less water than you will think you need and make sure its a nice thick lather/cream.  Then layer it on thick, (if the hair is too long, try to trim it first) lay back and play on Scary Mommy for about 10 minutes, hope in the shower, use a shower scrubbie and scrub it off, all that hair will come right off, and you will be nice and smooth  for your smexy night!   

    @WabiSabiLife holy crap WHY did I never think of that :D  you totally just made my day :D
  • RosamundiRosamundi
    Posts: 1,412Member
    I COMPLETELY agree with @WabiSabiLife. Coconut oil is the very best lube in the world! I also use it to keep away razor burn after my..ahem...personal grooming. It also does wonders for any area of dry skin.
  • GingersnapGingersnap
    Posts: 9,696Member
    Coconut oil is fine for lube as long as you aren't using condoms... Oil based lubes are not recommended with latex.
    “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” ― Joseph Campbell
  • RosamundiRosamundi
    Posts: 1,412Member
    I forget all about the condom thing. I haven't had to use those in YEARS. Ever since DHs vasectomy. I hated using condoms anyway. Feels like fucking a ziplock Baggie. Lol.
  • Coconut oil sounds awesome...does it smell like coconut or is it one of thoss odorless oils?
    I have coconut lotion and body spray that I use, even in the winter to make me feel the energy of i love the smell.

    I dont know if were going to use a condom. Id like to say yes, because thats the advice I give everyone, but I really just dont know.

    And that "Magic" stuff sounds pretty cool.
  • Marionettevie
    Posts: 2,729Member
    it smells like real coconut. not like that blue coconut shit that smells sweet....  i use coconut oil for loads of things too
  • WabiSabiLife
    Posts: 131Member
    Oops! Also forgot about condoms! That is no longer my experience. Yes, it smells delicious and you will want to completely devour each other. I love the smell for the same reasons.
  • Oh my...its so on!
    Coconut oil it is.
    Where do you find it and do you use any specific brand?
  • cornwallus24
    Posts: 30Member
    You all know what's going to happen? They are going to take one look at each other and this  advice given here is going straight out the window.She isn't going to care if he's Shrek and he isnt going to care if she's Fiona.......clothes will be flying around like the house in Wizard of Oz and bodies slamming against walls with all senses of smell gone.

  • RosamundiRosamundi
    Posts: 1,412Member
    The raw coconut oil has a stronger scent than the refined versions. I use a raw one for body/personal use and a refined one for cooking and baking. Most grocery stores have it on the cooking oil aisle or the organic aisle. You should be able to find a good size jar for around eight dollars. The SUPER raw, unfiltered versions still have tiny nubbly bits so maybe find something more midrange?
  • KrabbyKay
    Posts: 5,914Member
    There's the Trader Joes organic kind. Remember this post, when I *read* that is was a great lube??? I always bought it for cooking, and now I find myself peering amusedly at people buying it.....
    Anyway no weird bits in it, it just warms up to plain smooth coconut oil. It does smell good!
  • WickedDunkieJunkieWickedDunkieJunkie
    Posts: 8,649Member
    angrymama said:

    BTW ladies, she mentioned Tom Brady...  I am thinking our secret SM is from Massachusetts.

    Just FYI for anyone trying to guess the secret identity of the SIQ (Scary In Question)

    IT'S NOT ME!!!!! LOL

    I don't even like Tom Brady... I do like Daniel however... & not only Massachusetts ladies are Patriots fans.

    We Are The Music Makers... And We Are The Dreamers Of Dreams...

  • RosamundiRosamundi
    Posts: 1,412Member
    Trader Joes version is fantastic! I miss TJs sooooooo much since our move. <3
  • Aregularoneofyou
    Posts: 28Member
    Definitely not from Massachusetts.
    We live in the South.
    Thats IT!
    No more hints.

    I also think Tom Brady is a cunt-bag.
    But hes still hot as hell.

    Cornwallus - youre probably right.
    The advice for the beforehand prep however will NOT be forgotten.

    And the coconut oil is a done deal.
    I have all sorts of ideas for drizzling it on his chest among other places.
  • ChickieChickie
    Posts: 158Member
    If you take birth control pills, you can tinker with them and start a new packet instead of the last week of "blank" pills to keep your period away.
    sometimes karma needs a nudge
  • Marionettevie
    Posts: 2,729Member
    i use organic virgin unrefined coconut oil for everything, i have only bought the cheapest and thats only been sprouts brand and Spectrum, but i have heard lots of good things from the NUTIVA, lotion, hair conditioner, lube, i eat a spoonful every once in a while because its good for you. i pan fried some shrimp tonight in it. i use it for when my kiddo gets mild diaper rashes. i brush my teeth with it and i brush my kids teeth with it...yeah loads of stuff...they were one sale a couple weeks ago and i bought about 8 jars.... :)
  • WabiSabiLife
    Posts: 131Member

    A coconut oil cautionary tale for the OC, in anticipation of her bedroom guest: Came home on NYE and wanted some action. Was a little sloppy with my application. (ahem.)  The next day, I was doing laundry and changed all the sheets. When I went to make the bed again, I realized that, Oh Yeah! Oil doesn't just *wash out* of cotton! Yeah, I left PERFECT HAND PRINT STAINS on the sheets where I had been straddling DH.


    Lessons learned: used crappier sheets or patterned sheets or go to a motel or just work the oil in a little more instead of being a drunken hussy, lol.