Blended Families
  • mekalef5
    Posts: 42Member a "family vacation" with the bf, his 11yr old son and my 3 kids didn't exactly go so well.  My personal opinion is that his son is rude and totally disrespectful and I'm just not sure how I get past this.  I asked him to put his son in check, which resulted in a big fight infront of my family about the issue...(mind you my own mom grabbed his son by the back of his shirt and told him he does NOT talk to me the way he did because it was not being respectful and his father did nothing to correct him)  I know blending two families with young kids can be tough, but HOW do we get past the "my kid is better" issue?

  • gramalibbygramalibby
    Posts: 3,744Member
    Oh the blending dance. It is a art of negotiation. Probably getting him by the shirt on the vacation was not the best idea , needed yes , but maybe just getting to the dad 1st and stating feelings then on to the son but as I well know actions sometimes come spontaniously . Communication is key , biodad feels guilty for putting kid in the divorce mix , kid sometimes jealous and angry . Cha Cha Cha . If ur going to blend meetings are needed with everyone feeling they are being heard . Our meetings had a Native American Talking Stick who held it no one interrupted period. All validate all heard. It can be done , but there is no Poof we are family . Takes effort . It took us a couple of years and we had to ask for help.
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 9,474Member
    We play this... my ds is 6 his ds is 6..we both have felt at times we are to hard on each others kids. We talk to each other about it. i do most of the parenting as it is. my advice is you and your so need to talk and agree to some boundries first. you need to find a page of parenting you both agree on. im a parent that i set rules you break them theyre instantly punished no second chances but im relaxed with everything else. df is the king of the second chance and third and fourth.. you get my drift but hes right on top of them all the time.. hes relaxed a bit but still jands out get out of jail free cards.. this makes me the mean one.
    let them eat cake! because id rather have pie!!!
  • StarsStars
    Posts: 1,145Member
    First you've gotta sit down with the SO and discuss boundaries what is ok and what is not ok.  Across the board.  Will you allow him to hand out punishment and vice versa  What those punishments will be and what will cause those punishments to be handed out.  You've got to be a united front.  if they smell a weakness they will peck away at it till it crumbles.  I grew up in a blended family and have my own now.  My husband also had the same life experience so it helped us know where to begin. Knowing both sides of the coin has made it easier in a way.  

  • mekalef5
    Posts: 42Member
    When I say he is disrespectful, its not just towards me.  He has been kicked off the bus and sent home in a taxi from school because he was disrespectful towards the bus driver, kicked out of private school, off a hockey team when he was 8 for calling he coaches daughter a cocksucker.  Heck he even asked for a drink, when i told him he could go downstairs and grab a bottle of water he told me "you can use a little exercise why don't you go get it".  I know that no kid is perfect...not even my own, but i also know a comment like that would have landed a smack across my rear end when I was younger.  The behavior wasn't even corrected by his father and his mother has very little to do with him unless his father initiates it.  She gave up custody etc when he was 3 after she used to lock him in the basement.  I don't want to walk away and give up on him like everyone else, I just want him to respect others including his father and I.  Does that make sense?
  • organicbabyorganicbaby
    Posts: 2,020Member
    It makes sense. You need to convince his father that a little discipline will benefit his son in the medium and long run and that this discipline should come from his father who loves him and wants him to grow up to be a good person not a smart mouth jerk. How to do this, I have no idea.
  • mekalef5
    Posts: 42Member
    LOL  alot of help you are organicbaby!  We don't typically discipline eachothers kids because we don't live together yet, but there are occassions like when his son and my youngest went out of the yard after being told to stay in it...went to my SIL's parents and asked them for $$$ for shoveling.  The punnishment we came up with was them giving us the $$ because we told them they borrowed my brothers shovel and needed to pay to rent it from him and the toll to cross the bridge into the other yard.  Money was put in my brother and SIL's babys piggy bank...afterall it did come from her grandfather and the 2 boys had to sit the first 15 mins out of the pool at the hotel that night.
  • WillileeWillilee
    Posts: 1,621Member

    ...when i told him he could go downstairs and grab a bottle of water he told me "you can use a little exercise why don't you go get it"...

    When kids say stuff like that it horrifies me. No kid learns to say things like that to people unless they learn it from someone.  You have to teach them to be nice in some cases.

    When the girls came here, the shit that came out of their mouths (not necessarily towards us, but towards other people) was appalling. Gay people, overweight people, people who weren't "cool" enough, whoever.  Mean, nasty words. I kind of stayed out of it and tried to encourage DH to remind them about tolerance, but the day one of them asked him, "DAD, why are you so STUPID??" all hell broke loose and it was game on.  I went crazy on them and told them every time they treated someone like that I was going to give it back to them (they are teens).  Took one or two blasts and they've mostly gotten over it.

    Did hear one comment in the car the other day about people who are gay. I turned around and said,

    Me: Remember all the people you met when we went to my hometown for Christmas?

    Them: Yes

    Me:  Did you like everyone?

    Them:  Yes!  We want to go back and see them!

    Me: Well, news flash - about a third of the people you met there are gay.  So now you are talking shit about your friends and family.

    Them: You should have told us!

    Me: Bullshit I should have told you.  It makes no difference.  They're not different people now that you know.

    They cried a little and said they were sorry.  Good.  I'm sorry their idiot mother taught them it was fashionable to be a nasty asshole to people.

  • WillileeWillilee
    Posts: 1,621Member
    that first part was a quote from @mekalef5's post, I jacked it up sorry