Help and Smojo needed I guess
  • DemandaDemanda
    Posts: 5,920Member
    So... Without getting too much into it because I don't know many details, and I feel sort of odd even talking about it here, the family isn't talking and I don't know them well as it is...

    An old friend of my exh's child passed away the day before yesterday. He was 5 and my son has spent a good deal of time at their house playing with him and the other kids. He's not acting like uber upset, but he's very quiet and serious and clingy, which is not like him, so I know he's upset. He doesn't want to talk about it. I tried the heaven line and my son told me he doesn't believe in God because God wouldn't let kids die and let mean people live. Well, it's hard to argue with that fucking logic at the moment, isn't it? I'm sorry, I'm upset and I don't know what to do. My son has never had to deal with death before, let alone of another child. He's also, bless him, a really caring kid, he's quite fond of this kid's Mom and he keeps telling me he's sad for her.

    So I guess I'm asking for advice on how I can talk to my son about this (he's 9) and for some love and light sent to this family, who I know you don't know at all, but I think you can understand why they need it.


    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." ~ Gloria SteinemPhotobucket
  • sunnymommasunnymomma
    Posts: 2,171Member
    oh man thats a rough spot to be in. hugs and prayers all around. He might not be ready to talk, just be there for him. 
    I am me, and I am loved
  • laughlinlzrlaughlinlzr
    Posts: 27Member
    I am so sorry! That's horrible. I can't give any solid advice, but my youngest is hard to talk to and bottles up when she's upset. I give her a hug and tell her I'm available when she is ready to talk it out. She always does eventually.
  • Lakegirl34
    Posts: 2,814Member
    I would google grief books for kids age 9; there are some good ones out there on his level. Do you have a belief in a Higher Power? This would be a good time to talk about faith and powerlessness if you do. If you don't, I would just validate his feelings and thoughts. Talk to him about grief rituals (like making a casserole for the family, lighting a candle, sending flowers, or whatever is the norm for your culture). He could write a letter and burn it to his friend or ask him how he wants to manage his grief. This is an opportunity to teach him coping skills to manage grief in a healthy way. Trust yourself through the process to guide him. Sending support to your family and the child's as you grieve.
  • momofdbbmomofdbb
    Posts: 10,900Member
    Make sure he knows it's ok to be angry . It's ok to be mad , sad , whatever. It's not fair and no one says it is. It sucks ! And with the God thing , we just have to understand that he doesn't make sence sometimes. Because it does not make sence a child dying never will. Try to assure him that you will do all you can to keep anything bad from happening to him , but at 9 he will not accept the we will NEVER let anything bad happen line. It will take time just be ready for when he wants to talk. I have has several talks with DS 5 in the last week about his sister and how he misses her. Before he wouldn't talk about his feelings but he has been lately. He starts and stops the talks and they only last maybe 10 mins but I think they are helping him.
    " Wibbly wobbly timey wimey ......." The Doctor
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  • shouldcleanshouldclean
    Posts: 2,808Member
    I don't have much for advice but I would just let him know your ready to talk when he is. I do have hugs and prayers for your family and theirs.
  • PrincessPeach
    Posts: 229Member
    Unfortunately, I've had to bring my daughter (7 yrs old) to relatives' funerals in the past few years. We are not regular church goers but we do talk about God and Jesus. I have told her that they (deceased) go to be with God and become angels to watch over us. At my Grandmothers funeral, she wrote her a note to say goodbye and put it in her casket. This seemed to satisfy her and I let her ask questions when she is ready. I don't profess to be an expert so I do my best.
    I hope no one thinks I'm traumatizing her for bringing her. I just believe that it give us time to reconnect with family (in a weird way?) - sometimes in our busy lives, it is the only chance we get to see each other.

    Sending hugs and prayers for you to get through this.
  • mommydeliriousmommydelirious
    Posts: 4,415Member
    Hugs to you and J. I don't know what you could say to make him feel better but I guess just be there for him, and let him know its ok to be sad, and to hold on to the memories cause then he'll always be alive in J.
  • missmama5missmama5
    Posts: 6,874Member
    I'm so sorry, love & light mama.
  • GoddessGoddess
    Posts: 2,637Member
    oh, wow.  Hugs.  I have no advice as I've never experienced that.  Just hugs. 
  • DemandaDemanda
    Posts: 5,920Member
    Thanks ladies, this is all really good advice! I really like the idea of him writing a letter to his friend, @lakegirl34 I can see how that would be cathartic for him.

    I think I'm bugging him with my constant "how are you doings" but shit... I've never seen him so serious and I can't seem to help it. I guess i never realized how happy-go-lucky he is until now that he's blue. I took your advice @momofdbb and told him it was okay to be angry, and he said "good because I'm going to be angry the rest of my life." I told him that Sam wouldn't want him to be angry forever and he told me Sam didn't want to die, either. Then he told me to go do my homework. I told him I'd stop bugging him, he said "good!" And then I guess he felt bad because he came running to me telling me he was sorry he told me to go away. I'm just going to let him guide me, I guess.

    It's a PA day tomorrow so no school, but I think I'll send a note on Monday explaining...maybe they can help, or at the very least, they'll know why he's acting out of sorts.

    I'm glad he's with his Dad this weekend, it's his Dad's friend and it might be good for the two of them...his Dad was there when he made his memories with his friend so maybe being with his Dad will be helpful in some way...for both of them likely. I don't know.

    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." ~ Gloria SteinemPhotobucket
  • I have no decent advice aside from what's been mentioned already. Hugs your way though