What would you do? **Update in replies**
  • OneLostMomma
    Posts: 5Member

    I am really not sure what to do.  I know where my heart is but I wonder if I don't have a clear objective. 


    I was in a physically abusive relationship for about 10 years. I have 2 wonderful children with my now ex husband.  I found the will to leave.  About a year after I left I fell in love with my closest friend.  We have had an amazing relationship, and very physically and emotionally satisfying. 


    Now come to today.  We live together all the time with my kids.  We are both full time (non-traditional) students.  We go to school on alternating days and stay with the kids on alternating days.  I know sometimes relationships fall into a pattern, but I am very sad.  We have very little money and are constantly fighting, I fee like I am the only one paying for anything, the only one doing the house work....


    I am not old, I am pretty young but I feel like an old soul I have been through a lot.  My other half now doesn't seem to want to help around  the house, help with the bills, seems short tempered lately with the kids, and our sex life has stopped.  We are not married now, but were planning on it.  I am wondering if I should stay in the relationship at all. 

    Now, here comes the really hairy spot.  When I first left my ex he begged me to come back all the time and swore he changed.  I knew better then to buy it.  But now, 3 years later, there is an obvious change in my ex.  He is much more friendly, helpful, he speaks to me as a friend, and we have become friends.  He is always willing to help me with money if I really need and I help him out with things I can handle for him (we live 8 hours apart). 

    I have been toying with the idea of moving into a house with my ex (as friends).  That way the kids would have their dad, I would have an equal partner in house work and all and much more financial security.  (he makes excellent money in a secure job).  When we talked about it, he has asked me where I would want to live (I never had a say before - we moved a lot for better jobs for him), what I would want to do etc....


    if you have read this far, what would you do if you were me?  I'm really feeling lost.


  • That's a tough one.

    But I'm a firm believer if you think you could do it and make it work then do it.

    Also as long as you have an "out" if something happens again.
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    I'd leave the bf and stay away from the ex. All abusers 'change' until you take them back.
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • OneLostMomma
    Posts: 5Member

    @OhKay - Oh yea, I would cut shit and run really fast if he as much as raised his voice at me...  I am pretty sure that is clear to him and me. 


  • MollyGrahamMollyGraham
    Posts: 1,446Member
    @OneLostMomma I know that I don't know you and don't know all the details of your situation, so if I'm off base feel free to ignore this. I would just ask if you're sure this isn't a "grass is greener" situation? From personal experience, I know how much better an ex can look from far away. He can seem like Mr. Dreamy until you fall back into the drudgery of day to day life. I can understand your desire for your kids to have their father back in their lives, but I think I would move very slowly considering his behavior in the past.
    Normal people never change the world.
  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,851Member
    I agree with @katz_meow
  • RuralRebellionRuralRebellion
    Posts: 2,817Member
    I'm a firm believer that abusers don't change.  Roommates end up with tension too, it's not just couples.  So what happens when he becomes bitter that you won't sleep with him?

    As for your current relationship, you need to ask for more help.  If you both spend equal time at home, then he can be equally responsible for chores.  Aside from that I don't really have advice, I don't want to say leave him, and the fact that others are saying to do so disturbs me because your current relationship sounds a lot like mine (except we work, not school).
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  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    Sorry if I was blunt. I think @MollyGraham explained better. I've also just left a controlling h who exhibited abusive tendancies. So my opinion is biased.
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • SalllyWingo
    Posts: 1,557Member
    katz_meow said:

    I'd leave the bf and stay away from the ex. All abusers 'change' until you take them back.

    Yup! Abusers don't change.
  • KrabbyKay
    Posts: 5,914Member
    Yeah, I'd be reeeeeeal leery about the ex. But I also think you can do better than the current BF too. So how about he doesn't hit you anymore, but he's emotionally abusive instead??? *That* one is harder to quantify in your head, let me tell you!! No. I'm voting "nay" on going back to the ex.
  • MaybeThree
    Posts: 368Member
    i would leave the bf and move closer to the kids father but i would NOT move in with him. this way your kids could have thier father back in thier lives without the confusion of you guys living together as friends and the pain of having to leave their father again if the abuse on you starts again.......
  • gramalibbygramalibby
    Posts: 3,744Member
    Yep my 2 cents a users do not change and be on ur own awhile just step back
  • OneLostMomma
    Posts: 5Member

    @MollyGraham - I have never been a grass is greener one.  I have been in other awful relationships, and never looked back.  Even when things got tough with the current.  In the beginning if I wanted to go back to the ex, I would have agreed, but it has been 3 almost 4 years since we split up. 


    Thank you, @katz_meow - I appreciate your bluntness.  I am in the middle of this and too emotional I need input from all sides.

    @ruralrebellion - I have asked for more help, and still haven't gotten it.  He doesn't even do the things he used to do.  The other day he didn't even bother to put out the garbage can at the curb.  I came home the other day after the "come to jesus talk" with him and my daughter hadn't had her bath, she was a mess, the house was a mess, the dishes filled both sides of the sink, etc.

  • RosamundiRosamundi
    Posts: 1,412Member
    For what it's worth, I would move out on your own for awhile. Give your kids a little break from the tensions (first with the ex and now with your current bf). Just because you're ready to move out/move back with the ex, doesn't mean it's in their best interest. If you were my sister, I'd tell you the same thing: move out from your current position and find your own legs to stand on. Don't ping from one bad relationship to another just in order to "not be alone". Your kids deserve more stability than that. IMHO. I hope things look up! Hugs.
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    @Rosamundi said what I was about to say.  I would certainly let your ex help with the expenses as he seems willing and after all, they are his kids.

    Rebound relationships rarely work, sadly, and it sort of sounds like that's what's happening with your current beau, but by the same token, if your ex was physically and emotionally abusive, I would tread very, very carefully.  Everyone is on their "best behavior" during the courting, it's once that happens that old habits start coming out.  I would hate to read a thread that your ex is abusing you again...they're ex's for a reason, and I'm not saying he hasn't changed and you won't have a super terrific second time around, but in my experience, the reasons they were your ex in the first place will still exist. 
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • mama2boys
    Posts: 45Member
    I completely agree with @Rosamundi.  Also, I grew up with an emotional / verbal abuser... most abusers don't change, even if they swear they have or will.  Hoping the best for you and for your kids!
  • OneLostMomma
    Posts: 5Member

    So I had a "Come to Jesus" talk to my bf yesterday.  I told him that if we couldn't figure out how to make things better and if he wasn't going to help I want to end things.  He didn't seem too phased.  He said he would do his best. 

    I have until May when I'm finished with school and when my son is finished with his school.  I haven't decided where I will go, but I have told my BF I will be leaving the area, and probably the state. 


    I hope this is enough of a wake up, but by tomorrow afternoon he was referring to our relationship as it is all but over already.  "We'll still be friends, we'll talk everyday, we e-mail, stay friends on facebook, maybe when we're both done with school we can get back together since we'll be financially in a better place (financial issues are 99% of our issues)


    Honestly, I would get back together with him if he grew up and could be a productive member of the family, etc.  I know this is going to kill me, but I know it is the right thing to do, and honestly his reaction to the whole thing seemed to cement the idea that this was right move.  My daughter was sad this morning because not only will she be loosing him, but she will lose his parents who love her dearly. 

  • MollyGrahamMollyGraham
    Posts: 1,446Member
    @OneLostMomma >:D< I know this is going to be hard for you and your DD but, it sounds like you're doing what is best for both of you. Don't look at this like an ending. Maybe it will be the beginning of something wonderful. How old is your little girl? Would it be possible for her to stay in touch with your BF's parents through phone calls and emails?
    Normal people never change the world.
  • OneLostMomma
    Posts: 5Member
    I have a DS and a DD. my DD is so in love with my bf and his family. She is 4 1/2. I have said she could Skype with his mom and all but not going there is hurting her most. She spends time in there while I run errands and all.
  • MarySunshineMarySunshine
    Posts: 7,953Member
    "I don't poop. I create magic."- ABC

    I'm as sexy as a burp mid-kiss. Watch out!

    For every loser there's one that has to win. So bite your tongue, grit your teeth and grin...
  • OttawagirlOttawagirl
    Posts: 23Member
    That's a tough question. I'm currently in an abusive relationship myself. If I were you I would most likely move in with my ex. I know how hard it is to let go of someone so important, and I don't even have any kids.