Divorced/Separated/Split from ltr moms
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    And dads welcome.

    So many of you know, h and I are not together right now. I was willing to try to work on things, but he won't budge on a few things, and it appears that he just isn't interested in talking, counseling, or trying. I think he's already interested in someone else. Its been two fucking weeks!! I'm angry, crushed, sad, confused, hurt...I'm a mess, and he's living the bachelor life.

    I really don't know how I'm going to get through this. This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. I can't stop crying, I'm not eating well, not sleeping well, I need to get over it. But its not that easy.

    I know I'm not alone in this. There are others dealing/have dealt with this. So I'm calling out to all, please help me feel better. Please reassure me there is a light at the end of this darkness, that there is hope, and that it DOES get better and easier. Share with me your story, your triumph, your perspective, your wisdom. I need to feel connected, and right now, you ladies are all I have.

    If anyone isn't comfortable sharing on here, you could always start a pm. At this point, I need all the help I can get.

    And I'm sorry I'm Such a whiney downer lately. I'm hoping to snap out of it soon and get back to myself. Its just going to take time I think.
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • KellynnKellynn
    Posts: 2,284Member
    I have been where you are. It's one of the most terrible times in my life. I will write more later, we are getting ready to leave, but please know you are not alone, and have all of us here to help and support you in any way we can. Big, big hugs, mama. Love you. Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoo
  • PurpleFlowersPurpleFlowers
    Posts: 6,043Member
    Im sorry you are having such  a hard time >:D< There is a light at the end of the tunnel even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Dh and I have been separated a few times and divorced and remarried too. (yea, Im stupid. lol) It is really hard at first but it does get easier...I promise! Just try to focus on yourself right now. Do something special for yourself. Take a bubble bath, get your nails done...whatever. Just concentrate on you! You can PM or text me anytime sweetie. >:D<
    Stay away from my chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

    I think I like who I am becoming...
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    @leopardgirlie, your ex sounds exactly like my h. Its scary. Though, our story is different, and I guess I'm having Such a hard time because I've literally known and been friends with him 2/3rds of my life. I thought I knew him, I thought he'd move heaven and earth to make it work, but he's not. It hurts. He said he'd do anything to make it work, but when push came to shove he didn't stand behind his words. I thought things were going to be so different. I guess I'm mourning what was supposed to be, rather than what was, if that makes sense.
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    And thank you @PurpleFlowers, i'll be texting you for sure.

    @Kellynn, I appreciate your support. I really need all the help I can get right now.
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • kittykisses80kittykisses80
    Posts: 1,012Member
    ~giant hugs~ that's all i have. But I'm also here if you want to vent it out.
    Marriage is a loving partnership it takes equal amounts on both parts. Sometimes the best thing is ro take a break and evaluate your life. Your doing good. Its hard I'm sure. But don't be to down on yourself. Your an amazing strong women. You will get past this hardship and onto bigger and better things.
  • sidsmommy3sidsmommy3
    Posts: 2,522Member

    It is such a hard time.  Even though I left for domestic violence, I still loved him...

    I spent so much time crying, and lonely right after.  I left on July 10, 2010 and he started with his now wife on September 17, 2010.

    So, yeah.....like 21 years of my life wasted.

    It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.  But let me tell you, now, my life is SO much better than it would have ever been.

    I am happy....I come home to peace and no drama (14 year old girl drama notwithstanding).  I have food in the fridge and cupboards....the electric, tv, internet and phones are not going to be turned off at any time...and nobody is going to repo our cars or take our house.

    It take a while to work through it.  Our divorce was final February 1, 2012 and he remarried on May 1, 2012.  I have not been on a date.  Happy in my own world right now.  

    You have the right to be sad.  My lawyer told me that leaving a marriage is kind of like mourning a death. You had so many hopes and dreams and they are shattered.

    There is such a bright light when you get through the pain of the split.  PM me if you need to chat.  BIG hug!  xoxoxoxo
    Mary :-)

    Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
  • DemandaDemanda
    Posts: 5,920Member
    I promise it gets better. Kicking him out was the hardest thing I've ever done. The first few weeks were hellish, I'm not going to lie. I lived on a diet of red wine, weed, and ibuprofen. (Finally lost the baby weight after almost 2 years though) Don't feel bad for wanting to talk it out, I think it's better... I hid from everyone and was an absolute mess. Keep in mind that I was raising an almost 2 year old...not good. It can be a slippery slope and thank God for those who loved me and caught on so early. Surround yourself with as much love as you can stand.

    You are absolutely allowed to be sad/mad/whatever else you might be feeling and It IS like a death... No one gets married hoping to split up.

    After the initial shock and pain wore off, I promise you I'm being 100% real when I say my life only improved by leaps and bounds without him dragging me down. Some things I noticed almost immediately, like how much money he wasted and how even with his income gone and a bit of child support, I had more money. Some things were more gradual...like the independence and return of my ability to make my own big decisions. Obviously it wasn't a cake walk, but there is absolutely hope, I promise.

    I don't know the story and forgive me if I should, but if you can be amicable do it. We probably have the worlds most amicable divorce and that has seriously helped me, and I'm sure him, get over it. Dragging shit out helps no one neither in the short or long term.

    I'm sorry you're going through this, it sucks hard and it's scary as shit. I'm horrible at advice but am good at listening and making sad people laugh, PM me if you ever need or want to. >:D<
    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." ~ Gloria SteinemPhotobucket
  • Manders15Manders15
    Posts: 3,423Member
    :::hugs::: I don't have a story to add but just wanted to send you good luck & rainbows (& a little sparkly unicorn poop for something extra!) Also it makes total sense that you're mourning what you wanted/expected your marriage to be.
  • DreamerDreamer
    Posts: 2,473Member
    Totally been where you are. And it does get better.  I was with my ex since I had been 12. We split when I was 32.  Over 20yrs.  It took him all of 6mnths to find someone new. I suspect even less.

    If you ever wanna talk. Im here for you.

    Just know you did the right thing. You did what was right for you and your kids. And while it seems so totally overwhelming right now. It will work out.  
    There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other. Which one are you?
  • Squaremom
    Posts: 1Member
    I went through a similar situation. I had been a SAHM for five years, and had to move me & kids to another town to live with my mom in a 2 bed condo (not ideal).

    I tried to keep it together for my kids, but one night after I had cooked dinner and got them settled at the table with my mom, I heard dd2 ask dd4 "where's mommy?" Dd4 casually said "I think she's in the bathroom crying again" like it was the most natural thing in the world! It broke my heart to think how I was letting them down!

    Long story short, I got a prescription for Prozac, a job, and an apartment. It was hard, no denying it, but my oldest is leaving for college in September, and I've worked my way up the ladder to a job I really love.

    I think the best things I did to help myself were to let go of fighting with my ex, if he's so stupid he couldn't appreciate a fine wife like me, then he's hopeless anyway. And then to allow myself to be a less than perfect parent. I yelled at my kids when I shouldn't have, made decisions that in retrospect weren't good, and sometimes just plain been lazy. In other words, human :). And my kids are turning out fine! We are very close, and they will be okay.

    Hang in there, it will get better! You can do it! Sorry this was so long, if you want to chatter, pm me :). Hugs!
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    Thanks everyone. I'm crying reading all of this, you guys are the biggest support I have. And I don't know if i'll ever be able to express my gratitude to each of you.

    I expected it to be hard, but I didn't expect it to hurt so bad, I left HIM! It was my choice, so I guess I figured the pain would be less. Half of me wants to call him and let him know exactly how I feel, but my smarter side says it won't make any difference. I tried to let him know how I felt while we were together and he brushed me off almost always, or he'd say he knew what I meant but then nothing would change. I just feel so lost and displaced, maybe it is better to get it all out and cry now and be done with it, but I hate being like this. It really isn't me.

    He was the first guy ever that I truly let into my heart. And to think that it doesn't matter to him at all is killing me. Idk if i'll ever be the same. At least that's what it feels like right now.
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • VegantasticVegantastic
    Posts: 4,225Member
    ((((bighugs)))) @katz_meow  My mom booted my dad out after almost 20 years together and he just moved right on. She was the one stuck mourning her marriage and trying to keep it together for the kids. Even though she'd done the right thing, and the smart thing, it was fucking HARD for her, and it took her a long time before she was really okay with her marriage ending. But she did it. One day at a time she did it. And she didn't have a Scary Army behind her lol We are here for you- to cry and yell and be mad and be sad. I can't imagine how painful it must be for you, but I care. All of us on here do. You're funny and nice and kind and a great mom who puts her kids above everything. Lean on us, be sad for a while, and stay strong. You'll get through this, with your kids and your scaries. The rest is just details  :-* >:D< >:D<
    "Be the change you wish to see in the world"
    "Don't Panic"
  • BlueMama
    Posts: 102Member
    I don't know your husband but I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that this does matter. He's just a man and that's what they do, act all cool and like nothing emotional matters to them at all. Especially since you left him, there could be a lot of  "I'm not going to give her the satisfaction" going on. 

    Also, this could matter a whole lot to him but he's just incapable of giving you what you need. That's his issue and has nothing to do with you.

    I can't imagine how hard this is. Hugs.

  • Peace
    Posts: 3,230Member
    No real advice, just sending you some love, sweetie. I'm sorry you're hurting... >:D<
  • Quilting_grandmaQuilting_grandma
    Posts: 114Member
    I went through separation and divorce after 25 years, kids were grown, I was devastated even though it was mutual, and really we needed to move on, I was mourning all of the things that could and had been. But I got stronger every day, and now I am happily in a committed relationship and doing what I love. And I have a much stronger relationship with my children.
  • MistressHeidiMistressHeidi
    Posts: 984Member
    @katz_meow I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will get better I promise.

    I was 14 when my ex and I started dating. !7 when we married. And 33 when we separated, 34 when the divorce was final. I'm 35 now. During our marriage he cheated on me countless times and I forgave over and over again. Every time he promised me things would be different and things would change. But they never did.

    At the end, during the last year we actually lived together, I was on auto pilot and actually wishing he would die. When I finally had the nerve and energy to kick him out and make the choice to end our marriage, it was still tough. I cried and felt like a failure. I mourned what might have been, the dreams I had created, the family I had fought so hard for.

    But I made it. It was tough. And you can make it too. One day at a time. Cry when you need to. Mourn the loss. It will take some time, but you'll make it. And if you need to talk I'm here.

    Huge hugs.
  • RinRin
    Posts: 2,174Member
    @katz_meow i am in a similar situation and it was my choice, i am on my phone so to Swype out the whole story would take me all night. But i am just in awe that for someone who wanted it all with me now has no more than 2 words to say to me.
    And i am constantly telling myself i made the right decision but the frustration level is so high which increases the level of hurt.
    I hope your situation gets better and i hope the light shines bright at the end of your tunnel in a hurry! *hugs*
    "There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart.. .pursue those"
  • eappleeapple
    Posts: 1,997Member
    I don't have much advice except that living well is the best revenge. not that you're out for revenge, more just that you may think it doesn't matter to him now but later it more than likely will. And when you're put together and working it without his help that is gonna be a big blow to him.

    I had one huge break up and I pulled the same move as @demanda, totally went "somewhere" for a few weeks. Just take some time to process it all. Try to sneak in a bath or a walk when you can to clear your head. But most importantly keep reaching out here. We want to be here when you're down or when you're feeling like "hey I can do this" we want to be there to cheer you on. Hugs mama, you are incredibly strong!
    And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche
  • TheHeadacheslayer
    Posts: 2,472Member
    @Katz_meow I don't have any advice but I wanted you to know how much I love you and I'm here for you anytime. xoxo
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    Small update...last night we tried to talk again, and again it turned into an argument.  I told him I'd be willing to schedule counseling, if he would be willing to go and give it an honest to goodness shot, but his response was less than promising. 

    BUT, I feel a bit better today.  I'm watching my diet (this started a little while ago, but I was still eating fast food most days.  Now I'm limiting myself to 2 days a week), I put on make-up today for the first time since our wedding, and I'm trying to keep busy at work and at Gram's, to keep my mind occupied and keep my hands busy.

    I know I'll have up days and down, but today was a bit more up than it has been, so I feel a bit of hope today, which really helps.

    I want to thank each and every one of you, for allowing me to vent, for your kind words, your hugs, and just being here.  I know I have a support network, and all of you are just a few clicks away.

    @Rin, I want to let you know, my door is always open if you need to get something off your chest privately.  Being that we are in similar situations, I'm guessing we can easily understand what the other is going through.

    I love this place.  I love all of you.
    >:D< >:D< >:D<
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • RinRin
    Posts: 2,174Member
    @katz_meow so glad you are feeling a little better! Is it bad that i still want to tell everyone to go play In traffic? Haha
    "There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart.. .pursue those"
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    No, it's not bad @Rin!  I have to bite my tongue numerous times a day, especially around my mother! lol
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • RinRin
    Posts: 2,174Member
    @katz_meow my mom is on a 3 week cruise THANK GOD! I think i have to hold more than my tongue these says haha
    I just don't get ppl, guess i am not supposed to!

    Type out this whole email to my soon to be ex and i get a response of exactly 3 words.....really? WTF? I swear it must be me!
    "There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart.. .pursue those"
  • shate98shate98
    Posts: 5,020Member
    just sending you hugs. I have no experience with it (except as a kid in a divorce), so no advice to give except to lots of hugs.
    "As you wander through your life, whatever be your goal,
    keep your eye upon the doughnut, not upon the hole."