Posts: 4,100Member
    I've been wondering this a lot lately. Being a sahm has changed me; both for the good but also for the bad. My daughter is 8, in school, but I have to stay home because I am in school full time and need to be available for her since my husband works crazy hours as a restaurant manager. So, here's the deal-I feel lost. I have no career, I am basically a mom, homemaker, student, and so on. I have no friends actively in my life (on FB but they live far away), no family nearby, I am not social so I don't make friends easy. All I know now, all I've become, is this person who lives for others and doesn't know herself anymore. I know I am not alone. Sure, depression and anxiety don't help but it's deeper than that. I don't even know what I like anymore, I don't know what "me time" is, and I wonder where I got lost in the midst of marriage and child. I used have to have dreams, goals, and ambition. Now I have cleaning, errands, making dinners, doing laundry, managing household, etc. Where do I, as an individual, fit into this life? How about you?
    Be in control of your own happiness.
  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,543Member
    Sometimes I'm there with you.  I guess it depends on the day.  If you had told me I wouldn't recognize myself in 3 years I would think you were lying.  One thing I have learned though... when we look back at our lives from our rocking chairs, some of our proudest moments will be moments of motherhood.  My kids are still young though.  I think you need to find a hobby for yourself and dive into it.  Maybe it can be an outlet to meet new people.  Pick something that is a social activity.  Archery, horseback riding, dog agility, working out...  Maybe something you just do once a week for YOU... just so you don't completely forget who you are.  It's easy to get lost being a servant to others.  ((HUGS))
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    You aren't lost, you've just put yourself on the back burner for a bit. But, you're going to school, that's huge and good for you.

    Maybe join a study group? Learn a new hobby, take up golf? I know you have a lot on your plate, but look for some "you" time
    And remind yourself, it's not always going to be this way!
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • irishdoeirishdoe
    Posts: 116Member
    I feel that way sometimes as well. I would hazard to guess most moms do. Before you became someone's wife, someone's mother you were just YOU "with dreams goals and ambitions ". We, as women, easily fall into the roll of living for others and putting their wants and needs ahead of our own. When I was younger and had my 1st two daughters I didn't know any better and I LIVED for my then husband and my little ones and completely lost site of my dreams and goals. After 5yrs of that I woke up and returned to school, finished my nursing degree (hubs left me cuz he couldn't handle lack of attention). Now several years later and with a 2yr old & 3yr old at home and being a SAHM again, I again find myself struggling with the "who am I?" Question. I force myself to stay involved in things I loved and find new things. Even though I gave up a career I love, I will not lose myself again. So, @ABC examine what it was you did before kids and hubby AND explore new things. And as @BellaBefana pointed out : it isn't always going to be this way. School will be done and you will have a career. Big hugs your way.
    It's not all good.
    Posts: 4,100Member
    Thanks ladies!
    Be in control of your own happiness.
  • shouldcleanshouldclean
    Posts: 2,808Member
    I would start by doing something during the day when your dd is in school. I'm sure there is plenty of stuff at the college. Jinn a gym, check out joannes our Michaels, they always have fun classes. Try and find something just for you. I'm a sahm and my kids are 5 and under. I fear the day they are all in school but also look forward to the free time during they day that I "earned"
  • SurferMom
    Posts: 49Member
    I have friends with grown children who have no clue how to be a person again. I've been home the last two years finishing a Master's; I understand loneliness and having just a husband and child for company!
  • theprincessmommytheprincessmommy
    Posts: 701Member
    I totally agree with pursuing a hobby. Have you always loved cooking? Take a class and try new things. Reading, take your book out of the house. I lost myself completely for a while, I was lucky enough to have a husband who noticed and gave me time to rediscover myself. Until I found my niche he was signing me up for classes, buying me books, and just starting conversations about things I had never really thought about. He asked me what I wanted to do and has been super supportive since I decided. Good luck.

    Journaling helps too, makes you think about YOUR feelings as apposed to everyone else's.
  • WickedDunkieJunkieWickedDunkieJunkie
    Posts: 8,649Member
    Your DD is younger but not young. I realize your husband works hard, I have worked in that industry myself, but once he comes home, she's old enough that you could still take some time for yourself once in a while. I can understand the difference an infant would make.

    I know these lovely ladies have made some suggestions.

    Do you go to school online or at a campus? Is there anyone there you talk to? Go out for a coffee & just chat.

    Even just going for a walk with some headphones & music...

    What about your time with your husband? Do the two of you ever make time for just eachother? When your family is slogging along... sometimes you also forget that you are half of a couple.

    Does your daughter have a friend that she could maybe go to a sleepover? Go on a date... talk about something OTHER than her... come home to that empty house... you see where I'm going.

    And welcome to ScaryMommy btw.
    We Are The Music Makers... And We Are The Dreamers Of Dreams...

  • gramalibbygramalibby
    Posts: 3,744Member
    Yes welcome , I am right w you but on the flip side . Retired , but no money , time yes in spades. I am entering the best half of the rest of my life. I need to be pro active .....Hugs Love Blessings
    Posts: 4,100Member

    I love these ideas, and I'm glad I'm not alone.  The problem is me.  For instance, I have a severe anxiety disorder so I do not allow my daughter to go over to anyone's house (I don't know anyone anyway).  What made this more true was over the summer we had crazy shit happen.  Have you guys heard of the Aurora Theater Shooting? Yeah, that was here, that was us.  I mean we weren't at the theater, thank God, but that is our favorite theater.  What was made worse was that the guy who did it, James Holmes, was my neighbor.  Like, we pass his old apartment (the one on the news) every single day.  The media frenzy was crazy.  It caused my anxiety to worsen because this guy lived just doors down and look how psycho he is!  Also, we had to evacuate when they disarmed the booby-trapped apartment. 

    As if that was not bad enough, a couple weeks later, a psycho neighbor below us, went to the adjacent apartment building and set it on fire.  We saw the flames billowing out and heard our nbeighbors screaming.  A baby was thrown from the fourth floor, and neighbors had to jump for their lives. Two of my neighbors (an elderly couple) died that night, all of the people lost everything, some were severely hurt from jumping to concrete.  We had to evacuate again and stay at a shelter (all of us in the building he stayed in as well as those who were displaced) so that police could surround him and take him into custody.  He is still free to this day however.

    I say all that to say this; I said above that my anxiet is only part of the problem.  I lied. It is my problem and it affects every area of my life.  I am afraid to meet people for fear they are crazy, for fear they are evil, for fear they will hurt me or my family, for fear they are just a waste of time.  I want to explore hobbies but I'm afraid.  I want to step out of my shell, but I'm afraid.  I want to work out and lose weight, but I'm scared. Anxiety is the master of my life; I'm even afraid to go to counseling for fear of judgement! OMG.  I am sick of it.  I want to feel like more than a sahm/student.  I even am finishing my degree online from the university, because I am scared!

    Be in control of your own happiness.
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    Well, you have good reason to be afraid right now. We're all afraid, especially right now, of something. I'm afraid I'll never find another job...I'm older, much older than most moms here, at the end of my career not the prime. I feel guilty every time Inspend money on something other than a bill or the grocery store right now.

    You can't let the fear win. That's what these crazy people want. They want us stuck in neutral, unable to move forward. That's no way to live.

    Find yourself a counselor who specializes in PTSD because that's really what this is, all that's happened has amplified and exaggerated your fears.

    Oh, and I'd start looking for a new apartment! ;)
    Bite me, cupcake!
    Posts: 4,100Member
    @BellaBefana Thanks :) I know exactly what you are talking about.  I do think that those events have amplified fears and I do need to move past them (or at least learn to manage them). Ever since I was a young kid I have had severe anxiety.  My life has been one big, painful rollercoaster.  Until this past summer, I was managing ok.  I think when something like that happens, especially when you have kids, your fear response gets worse (at least for me). I have to hide this from my husband.  He is one of those that also had a tough life but he "man's up" and just has a tough exterior and interior.  I wear my heart on my sleeve so it's hard for me to move on.  But, I do think it is time to get this figured out.  I just hate the thought of talking to a person face-to-face.  I much rather do it online! lol But I feel so lost in this life and I do not want it to keep affecting my family.  They may not know why I am the way I am but they see the repercussions of it :-S
    Be in control of your own happiness.