The Beginning Signs of Abuse
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member

    I found this article at

    and I know many ladies on here struggle or have struggled with difficult/abusive relationships, so I thought it might be useful here.

    When we choose to be in a relationship with someone, it’s never because we’re attracted to a less-than-admirable quality; it’s because we see something that we value. But what happens when the time arrives where your partner’s true colors can no longer be hidden? What if your partner starts to demonstrate attributes that cause you to have reservations, or even fear?

    We all have the right to be treated with respect and kindness. Whether you believe it or not, we do. No one has the right to belittle you with words, or bruise you with hands. No one has the right to use threats to get you to do what they want. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you might not even realize it. Sometimes someone has to point it out to you, and other times you might just realize it once you’re removed from the situation for a little while. If you lack self-esteem, ask yourself “why?” And if you constantly feel guilty, again, ask yourself “why?” Abusive people feel the need to gain complete control and they’ll intimidate you, threaten you, and make you afraid of them in order to gain it.

    A child, woman, or man can all be subjected to abuse. It can happen to anyone. Abuse, whether it’s physical or emotional, all too often gets excused, especially the emotional kind. Because it only scars one’s insides and diminishes the spirit, it’s easier to dismiss.

    The following questions are tell-tale signs of abusive relationships, from

    Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
    Do you:

    • feel afraid of your partner most of the time?
    • avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
    • feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
    • believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
    • wonder if you’re the one that’s crazy?
    • feel emotionally numb?
    • you feel helpless?

    Your Partner’s Belittling Behaviors
    Does your partner:

    • humiliate or yell at you?
    • criticize or put you down?
    • treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
    • ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
    • blame you for their abusive behavior?
    • see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

    Your Partner’s Violent Threats or Behavior
    Does your partner:

    • have a bad, unpredictable temper?
    • hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
    • threaten to take your children away or harm them?
    • threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
    • force you to have sex?
    • destroy your belongings?

    Your Partner’s Controlling Actions
    Does your partner:

    • act excessively jealous and possessive?
    • ontrol where you go or what you do?
    • keep you from seeing your friends or family?
    • limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
    • constantly check up on you?

    Normal, healthy relationships are what we all want. If any of these questions can be answered with a “yes,” it may be time to rethink your relationship. We need our partners to lift us up, not physically or emotionally beat us down. Healthy relationships are full of love, respect, value, consideration for each other, equal compromises, and general happiness. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. It just might save a life or a spirit.


    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • VegantasticVegantastic
    Posts: 4,225Member

    I'm so glad you posted this. Awesome. It's everything we always tell the women in abusive relationships, and all in one place. I have a feeling we are going to reference this thread a lot!

    "Be the change you wish to see in the world"
    "Don't Panic"
  • ScaryMommyScaryMommy
    Posts: 4,481Administrator
    Great article, thanks for sharing!!
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 8,345Administrator, Moderator
    Yes, definitely a great article to have on hand for all of our Scaries! Thanks for posting :)


  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    This article is invaluable. Thank you @fatchickonabike
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • Anonymous39
    Posts: 172Member
    Good to know!! Not just for yourself, but also to notice it and be able to help others!!! Thanks!!
    It's nunnya... Nunnya yo business..
  • FreeJilly
    Posts: 67Member
    Thank you for the article. Describes to a tee my husband and his behavior. If you grow up in an emotionally abusive home, that is all you know, so I stayed with him for 23 years, I'm so thankful that I'm getting help for myself. It is never too late!!
  • RinRin
    Posts: 2,174Member
    i was in an emotionally abusive turned physically abusive marriage and got out. now i have a close friend who is involved with a man who is older than her, he continually cheats on her and when she tries to move on her basically threatens her with her love of their daughter (who in my opinion he could care less about she is just a pawn) and she goes back to this piece of shit every. damn. time! and her reasoning "he really does love me, and i am doing it for our daughter"
    but she really is setting not only herself but her own daughter up for a life of emotional abuse!

    i wish she would read this article and see if she isnt going to listen to me!
    "There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart.. .pursue those"
  • amandalowellucf
    Posts: 5Member
    Really interesting thread and article. The article is a great a great resource, especially because it's so important to know the warning signs. I'm actually doing some research that has so implications for the discussion at hand... 

    In fact, researchers are asking parents to fill out surveys about parents' temperament and emotion regulation, stress and coping, parenting behaviors, and children's temperament for up to 1 hour via a packet by mail or online. If you are the parent  of a young child who is 1.5- to 5-years of age, and are willing to help, please complete the online survey at If you would like to receive a packet via postal mail, please contact Amanda Lowell at, or Kimberly Renk, Ph.D. at or 407-823-2218. 

    Thank you!
  • crazykidladycrazykidlady
    Posts: 225Member
    I could check off yes to almost all of those. I honestly have put my foot down lately with him. Now, I feel like the abusive one. But I am not afraid to leave. I am just afraid my children will wind up without a father figure like me.
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member
    @crazykidlady, better they should have no father figure and grow up in a happy, stable home than grow up thinking that's how marriage is supposed to be and witnessing violence or abusive behaviour that has been shown to re-wire kids' brains, and not in a good way.
    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • katz_meowkatz_meow
    Posts: 6,380Member
    @crazykidlady my ds has no father figure and we have no real issues yet. He's 12, well liked, polite, and gets good grades. Sure, he has the whole pre-pubescent attitude thing going on, but that's totally normal.

    I agree with @fatchickonabike. Staying with an abusive asshole is doing your kids a great disservice.
    There is nothing to be gained from treating others poorly.

    Don't be a dick.
  • MomofPreshMomofPresh
    Posts: 1,960Member
    Children learn relationships from their parents. Your child will either be like you or be with someone like you. (Very generally speaking.... It's definitely avoidable, but not easy) or your SO.

    Point is, we owe our children the example of a healthy home life and healthy relationships.

    This is an amazing article!
    I'm not mean, You're just a sissy!
  • kittenkitty00
    Posts: 522Member

    I could check off yes to almost all of those. I honestly have put my foot down lately with him. Now, I feel like the abusive one. But I am not afraid to leave. I am just afraid my children will wind up without a father figure like me.

    These could be my words exactly. And given all the other drama I have just swept his shit aside with a warning that I will leave sooner than later

  • BunnyBunny
    Posts: 1,034Member
    I wish I had recognized these for myself when I was younger.

    A tip for you to watch out for with friends.

    You notice that your friends new bf/gf (hey, it can go both ways!) is demanding of their time and has requested you no longer spend time with friends.

    Alienates you from your family, friends.

    You notice your friend is quiet, more withdrawn and has un explained bruises. (If they give you a stupid excuse push a little hard, seriously. I was thrown out of a moving vehicle and I said my dog bit me).

    I've been there when I was in high school, For being only 18 he was the meanest male I have ever met.. almost 15 years later and I STILL flinch when something moves too fast towards me. It took me months and a few very good friends to get me out of that situation. I've been there... If anyone needs to talk, message me. Its hell, but you are NOT alone. It is NOT your fault.
    Crazy? I was crazy once...they locked me in a room with no windows. That drove me nuts. Nuts! Squirrels eat nuts. They drive me crazy. Crazy! I was crazy once..