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I think it's finally over, *sigh
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I'm not sure if anyone recalls any of my comments about he issues I've been having with my DH, but we have been having problems for a while now. In several areas. After yesterday I feel like it's over and I don't even know what to do. My DH has an addiction problem. With pills. Or had, I guess I don't even know what it is anymore. Here is what happened. I went out into the garage yesterday looking for some duct tape. I pulled a roll of what I thought was duct tape off the wall (turned out to be drywall tape) but out fell 2 baggies. Actually they were the torn off corners of what used to be baggies, all twisted up on the tops. Nothing was in them, just a powdery residue. My gut immediately twisted all up inside as I stood there staring at them. You might think I'm a hysterical woman, or crazy, but here is what I did after sitting and debating what to do. I called the cops. I had a narcotics officer come to my house and look at them. I asked him if he could tell me what had been in them. He said they would have to be tested to make sure but that it looked and smelled to him like it had been used to transport an 8 ball of coke. My heart sank because I knew that is what he was going to say. And it makes sense. All the money problems we have with him "spending" too much and nothing adding up. The long hours he's been working with no extra income to show for it, and excuses as to why. I had the cop take the bags to be tested. It could take a couple months. In the meantime I had to figure out what to do. I don't lie or hide things from DH. Never have. So I told him when he got home what I had found and what I had done. I told him he had one chance to tell me honestly what it was, that while it may not change the outcome of how I handle it, it will go a long way towards our relationship if he is honest with me, and my handling of how I proceed with things in regards to the kids. He lied to my face. He said he didn't know what it was, made this huge debate about the tape (who the fuck cares what kind of tape it was, he was deflecting), and then told me they were not his, that someone must have put them there. I don't know what to do. I have no job, no way to support myself or the kids. I'm not afraid of him, I feel no panic to leave, and he is a wonderful dad and loves his kids more than life. But I'm terrified. I honestly don't even know which way to turn and all I've been able to do today is pace around. I love my husband. Or at least I love the man I know he could be and used to be. But he isn't that person anymore. I don't know if I can come back from this. I want to. I want the man I fell in love with back so badly its like this hole inside of me. I just don't think I can wait around anymore to see if that ever happens. I can't keep going through this anymore, or subject my kids to it. I don't know what to do. I know what I have to do but just don't even know how.
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My heart breaks for you. I don't know what else to say. There's no help, if he won't admit to having a problem :( I know you know you gotta do what's best for you and the kids, but I'm betting you're hard pressed to know exactly what that IS at this point.
Is an intervention out of the question? Did he say he's clean, or just that those baggies weren't his?
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I would also consider that maybe those baggies are really old? Maybe its been so long he doesn't even remember? Has he admitted to having a problem in the past? I know my younger sister, who is addicted to opiates, will sometimes use other drugs when she is trying to distract herself from using her drug of choice. Hugs to you girl.
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He said he isn't using any drugs at all, except a little pot here and there (which I knew about). He is denying it all. He actually tried to make it out like someone else must have put it there. Like some random friend of his is going to come into his garage and HIDE what they would more than likely consider garbage? If I had the resources I would leave and at least consider us separated. But I don't. I've known this was coming. I'm not stupid, I know his behavior has been erratic and not right. I'm looking for a job. Been looking for a long time but now I'm actively looking with help from as many people as I can. I have an appointment friday with a temp agency that hires for a local factory and hopefully that will pan out. They only hire on temps and then if you last the 90 days they will hire you full time. It's not the greatest job but it's a job I know I could get so if they are willing to hire me it's a go. I know I could ask my Dad for help but I don't want to involve him yet. I guess all I can do for now is try and sock as much money away as possible and see what happens.
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I'm so sorry. I really am. I HONESTLY know how you are feeling. You've got to do what is right for your kids, stick to your guns. He may (finally) come forward and face his problems, if you leave, and you may get him back, but you have to be strong (and accept and understand that this is HIS problem, and what is best for you and your children is #1). I had a hard time telling my Dh he could not come home if he did not get help. It will be the hardest thing ever if I have to walk away, but what is best for the kids is what is really important. If you need any support through this, please, don't hesitate to message me.
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@freedomlover. I know it's not old. I go out into the garage for that damn duct tape all the time. 2 weeks ago or so I used it to box up some of the clothes the kids had outgrown. It's also been about 2 weeks ago that I gave DH 200 bucks for "materials" for a job he was doing, that he told me that he would get back from the customer that day. When I asked for it back a few days later he told me that it must have been stolen out of his car. I knew something was up then, no one has money "stolen" or "lost" as much as he does.
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has he ever been to rehab? give him an ultimatum, either he goes to long-term treatment (longer than 30 days, a month is nothing) or its over. i know that would be hard on u financially but he has to get help or nothing will ever change. it will only work if he is committed to it though. u can't force him to change if he doesn't want to. if he is willing, i would give him that chance. ur right, u and ur kids deserve better, but don't give up on ur marriage and the man u love until u have tried everything. unless he is abusive, divorce is the last resort, but that's just my opinion. it sounds like u don't want to give up, ur just at ur wit's end, which is totally understandable. i know he has destroyed ur trust but addiction makes people do things they would not ordinarily do. it will be extremely difficult to repair ur relatonship but it sounds to me like u love him enough to be able to do it. maybe i am just defending him b/c i am an addict and i know what it does to u. but if he really wants to get and stay clean, and repair his family, it is possible. it will take a lot of time and energy and devotion, and months of treatment and counseling for both of u, but it can be done. only u know what's best for u and ur kids though, if ur heart is telling u its best to move on and its not healthy to stay, by all means disregard my opinion.~slim shady~
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If you go to the dhs office they will get you out of there asap. I am not trying to be harsh but you have to go. Not that its over for ever but until he stops lying at the very least. Get out and start over. He needs to know that you will not accept second rate. Good Dads don't hide drugs in the garage.
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if my bf had left me in the middle of my addiction i would probably be dead right now... just saying.... i put him thru hell and he stuck by me. i will never forget that.~slim shady~
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Did you have kids then @shadylane ? After getting clean I wondered how long it would have taken me if everyone would have stopped "helping" me sooner.
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Im going to play devils advocate...but is there a possibility that they could be old (I know someone already said it) or that they did actually belong to someone else? Would you feel better if he agreed to random drug testing? There are at home kits you can buy (my mom used to buy them and make me take them when she thought I did drugs becuase I hung out with a lot people that did).
If he does actually ahve an issue, and everything else in your relationship is good, I, if I were you< would do everything I could to help him, he needs you. At the same time you cannot put kids at risk, but I suggest drug couseling as a start for him and counseling for you as well!
Im pretty extraordinary in an ordinary way -
yep i had my dd. i couldn't have done it without my bf, he loved me so much he refused to give up on me, even though i told him repeatedly to just let me go and forget about me.~slim shady~
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@breezy- yes, sometimes, even good dads do stupid shit. My DH happens to be a FANTASTIC father. I'm offended by this. He has an addiction, something he had before he had us. He's been the only father my son has ever known, and has treated him as if he were HIS son. He is also an amazing father to our daughter. He changes diapers, gives baths, reads, laughs, everything, He kept his drugs where the kids couldn't find them either. You cannot judge a person's parenting skills based on their health.
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Good dads do have problems to. Not everyone with an addiction is a bad person. Sometimes they do put pills in bag corners so its small. Tossable or swallowable. Addictions are stronger than almost any persons will power. He needs help big time. I've thought about leaving my BF over the pills but I know he'll fall farther into the abyss without us there to remind him life is worth living and being a zombie is a waste of life. If it was coke id be a bit more worried (in my situation) because he gets angry on that. Everyday is a test. @rap422 did you ever deal with NarcAnon? I've thought about having my BF go. Idk how well it would go over.
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Didn't mean to offend @rap422 . Your dh had a problem, knew he had a problem, made a choice (that you might have given him) , and is getting help. That was his bottom... Losing his family. Everyone has to hit bottom... Why stretch it out. Harsh I know... :/ I wasn't implying that the capability of being a good dad or husband wasn't there but that it isn't right now. Not making him get help right now because he is a good dad, in my opinion, is just prolonging the inevitable.
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@breezy- I agree about making him hit rock bottom- which is why I said she should leave. I'm fortunate in that the House I bought before we got engaged, and he went to jail (lucky, did I just say that?!), because he was separated from our family situation, where I had the upper hand. I just get upset when people think an addict is a bad person. They aren't, they are sick. My DH had many years clean and healthy, he just relapsed.
@brooksmom, I'm sure NarcAnon will come into our lives eventually..
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Hugs to you @insanityandchaos! I couldn't imagine being in your shoes right now & can definitely see being torn as far as what to do. Maybe for now, get out of the immediate situation & don't live together, but (if you want to) still try to help him from a distance. That way he's limited in any further damage he can do to you & the kids, but knows you still love him & want him to get through this & start to repair the damage. & feel free to give your buddy a holler if you need to talk! :D
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@rap422 I know... I am a good person.. I'm an addict.
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my whole point is he absolutely has to go to treatment or she should def leave him. just saying she should consider giving him that opportunity, and if he does commit to it, he will need her support. counseling is not enough, he needs to go to long-term inpatient treatment.~slim shady~
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@breezy- Sorry, didn't mean to jump on you. I'm fiercely defensive of him, and any addict (so that includes you). :)
@shadylane, you are right! -
@insanityandchaos - i'm so sorry. Thank you for your help in my thread about needing help. Your story (and all the others who are dealing with DH/SO addicts have really opened my eyes. I would never have considered myself an addict before december, I just liked the way the pills made me feel. I never smoked a cigarette, never tried marijuana, never drank, etc. Just liked the pills too much after I hurt my back.
again I'm so sorry. I wish I had advice but you know I don't. I can't imagine how I would feel if my husband posted a thread like this one, I would be absolutely crushed. I don't want to ever do that to him. -
I guess the reason why I'm torn about what to do is the WHAT IF? Scenario. What if it is an old bag back from when he was taking the pills? That IS how he used to carry them, and even though the narcotics officer said that the pills wouldn't have left a powdery residue, I know that it could have. He would carry them in his pocket and the corners of the pills would break off. I WANT to have faith in him. I tried to get him to go to treatment. We don't have the money for a rehab program but he did go to a Doctor and get off the pills. He took Suboxeon for 2 years. I feel like I need to know for sure. I told him last night that if he is insisting that he isn't using drugs then he has the option of going to therapy for his behavior since without using drugs as a reason I can think of no other excuse for how he has been acting. We talked for a long time. He hasn't agreed to go to therapy or to do anything. I told him that he can't blame me for not trusting his word when he's lied so many times, or blame me for wanting to prove it. But he's scared. I can see it. I don't really know if it's of what the drug test will show or if he's just scared I'm leaving but he's called me about 5 times today from work and been very nice on the phone, and came home in between jobs which he normally would not do. @breezy. I appreciate your advice. I won't have to actually leave the house. I'll be damned if I'm taking our kids out of their home. I don't know, I guess I'll just have to play it out and see what happens. Thank you guys for making me feel better and being there to listen. I can't tell you how much it helps me.
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@Insanityandchaos, I know this seems a bit rough, but you CAN get over the counter piss tests. Maybe it will help clear him. :)
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in wv the state will pay for rehab but it takes a long time to get in~slim shady~
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@rap422 - how do the work though? Do they just tell you a positive or what? I have a dilemma with this. If it's that he's relapsed and taking the pills again, I'm a little less upset. Don't get me wrong, I'm not diminishing the lying or the problem at all, but for me, I guess I've kind of been waiting for a relapse and prepared to help him through it. If it's not though. That's the thing. If it's not. If it's coke or meth. I'm done. Totally and completely done. The officer said it was more likely coke or meth, that there was a slight smell but that could just be the age of the bag or surroundings from the garage. There wasn't enough residue in the bag for him to tell. He told me that coke has a slightly sweet smell, and that meth has no smell at all and that it could be either, but that his experience told him it was not pills because of the chalkyness of the residue. I can't go there. Relapsing with the pills I can take and be there for him, get him back to the doctor and maybe start taking the suboxeon again or something if he's willing. But if it's a different drug altogether I can't do it. I just can't.
@Shadylane - In IL the state will not pay for rehab programs at all unless it is court ordered. -
oh that sucks. the test will tell u positive or negative for opiates, cocaine, meth, weed, benzos and barbituates.~slim shady~
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@insanityandchaos, I'm pretty sure you get them where they tell you WHAT is a positive. Check them out at your local drug store.
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They have those tests in the pharmacy section at Walmart. The ones that just test for marijuana are $20, the ones that do the full range are $30-35. It's a clear plastic cup. You piss in it, then tilt it on it's side. (It has a built in little ramp thingy). After the instructed amount of time, you can check the little chart on the side of the cup. There are drugs listed on there, and a colored streak appears next to what shows positive.
It also comes with a package insert to have the sample sent in for further testing. -
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I know I am going against the grain here...(again) but you are seriously considering drug testing your grown ass dh? He is an adult. If you can't just ask him and get an honest answer from him it doesn't matter what drugs he is on or even if he is dead sober... You don't trust him.
*edit I know that different drugs would bring a different reaction from you and that you really don't have a reason to trust him... I didn't mean that to sound so blunt and harsh... I was really going for sympathetic and reasonable. .. I miss the mark often. :/ -
Ture, @breezy, but I'm speaking from my experience. If this were to happen to us in a year, and he's been clean for a year, I'd expect him to take one to show me he HADN'T fucked up, and understand it will take YEARS for our trust to be rebuilt. I believe a relationship can be repaired after trust is lost, but it takes A LOT of work, and sometimes that means doing ridiculous ass shit. Maybe I'm crazy. Wait, no, I KNOW I am.
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Personally, I think if his personality has changed, money is missing, and she found paraphernalia, she knows the answer. He's using something.
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But @rap422 he won't even admit that the baggies are his... Rebuilding trust is leap years away from where they are at now.
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I agree with @rap422 . If it meant building back trust that *I* had caused to be lost, or possibly losing my family, I would not hestitate to piss in a cup, if it made my wife feel better. I'd be vindicated if it popped clean, wouldn't I ?
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I agree @love . I would do anything for my family, period. But at this stage in what's happening with @insanityandchaos a piss test just doesn't seem important. The fact that she found a stash, he is probably lying about it, and the cops are involved... A piss test? What's the point? He is a grown man... He needs to act like one. Admit, and start the trust building process where a test might make a little more sense (to me).
Idk... Pick your battles, a cup Pee doesn't seem like would be on the top of the list. -
But maybe the piss test could be the step that slaps him in the face that he can't hide this OR lie about it anymore...
Admitting that you have a problem is sooo hard. And scarey as fuck.
Because once you say it out loud, it's out there. You can't take it back. You can't lie about it or hide it anymore. Once you admit it out loud, then you have to decide what to do about it. Ignore it, like it's not a problem? Own it, and just try to live with it? Seek help?
Being bullied or scared into an admission isn't the *best* way to go about it. But if you can't admit it, even to yourself, then sometimes it's the only way to get on the path to recovery is to be slapped in the face with undeniable fact.
You can't help someone that won't admit there's a problem. And if that test pops positive, he can't deny it any longer. He might deny that it's heavy use, or maintain that he's in control of it... but those are other arguements to be made AFTER wards. -
@breezy - I think what is happening (bear with me I'm going to attempt to psycho analyze myself here, lol) is that because I already don't trust him from the things he's done in the past, I'm afraid that that mistrust is leaping to conclusions. I think I know in my heart what is going on, but I can't help but second guess myself. I'm afraid that If he is telling the truth, that the baggies are not his that he can remember, that they are old from pills he took long ago, my insisting that we rehash all this now could be destroying the strength he's built over the last year. And you can't imagine how proud I have been of him. The thought that he hasn't done as well as I thought is destroying me. Your right, I don't trust him. And that is what we have been struggling to rebuild. He has to understand my side of this. I can't just blindly trust what he says. I'm not willing to just walk away from him and our marriage, I need to know for sure. I will be buying one of those tests and asking him to take it. I figure if he refuses I have my answer. And when the tests come back from the police, I'll have a definite answer again. Maybe I should have just kept quiet, waited until the cops got the test back on the bags. It would have been easier to just deal with the worry if he didn't know. But I can't do that. I can't bring myself to condemn him for doing things behind my back to the point that is has destroyed our marriage and then turn around and be dishonest to him. It would have been easier but I can't handle things like that. I'm willing to do any ridiculous ass shit to save my marriage, lol @ rap422. Underneath all of this is a wonderful, loving man. I fell in love with him for a reason. It's still there. That doesn't mean I won't leave if it turns out he is using drugs again. I won't hesitate to leave. But I will try everything I can before I do to prevent that because I do love him.
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@Love - I agree with you totally. The thing I've learned the most about all of this from before, is that he (and other people who have drug problems) will say anything to deny it. And if the trust isn't there I need proof.
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My line was always, yeah I use, but it's not a PROBLEM. I can stop, if I need to, if I have to...I don't HAVE to have it.
That is a form of denial too, and just as debilitating to recovery. -
Mine was just avoidance.. avoid everyone, never get close enough for people to "know", don't call family, stay away from friends that didn't use. run, run, run.
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I'm He-Man, though, right? Superwoman. I can handle anything. I don't need anyone's help. Or pity. Ahhh how the facades we build crumble and fall...
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through hell this year with my husband the addict too. It wasn't until we were almost evicted and I actually hit him that he confessed. Our story was a little different, in that he is a spending addict, but it was real and it was heartbreaking for me. I know that feeling of being lost, it can get better. The best advice I was given was don't give up on your marriage until you know that you have done everything YOU can possible do to save it. If you walk away without that, you may have regrets later.
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@insanity&chaos--i'm so sorry you're going through this.....but it's better to have confirmation that YOURE not crazy. you were right. you have to do what's right for you and the kids--until he detoxes, i don't think he's going to be able to make that decision. i hope he cleans up and decides that he wants to be a husband and father, and he wants to be happy. wish there was something i could do for you.
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ok @InsanityandChaos dont get upset with me. im going to tell u what u need to hear not what u want to hear ok. run for the fing hill. this is why , u love ur kids right. then run for the hill, u dont want them to go to the state . so u need to get out there and ask for help do what u have to do. my bio mom got all her kids taken from her expt me and my older brother because of drugs . u can tell him if he doesnt go to rehab then ur gone and if he comes up with some billshit then tell him ur gone because hes never going to stop untill u say ur takeing u and the kids . it will be ok. and u dont need any proof unless u need it for u . i know a lot of ladys in here are going to get mad and im sorry but ive been to much shit 9 out of 10 people in my faily does some sort of drug. IM SO SORRY HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS AND 1,000 MORE
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I agree with @soupermom.. so sorry I can't offer more insightful advice like these other ladies. :/
"What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
And I say I don't know you
But you say it's finished" -
Hugs, @Insanityandchaos. The only comfort I can say is that you aren't alone. Make your choice, be strong in it, do what is best for you and your family.See ya in another life, sister!
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I'm so sorry, @Insanity. You are in my thoughts.
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I don't have any advice that others haven't given you. Do what's right fit your family, and know that we're here for you. (((((HUGS))))
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@InsanityandChaos *great big hugs* Now for the attempt at advise. Unless he is willing to get help you should leave. My sister wasted 10 years on a guy who was a great guy when he was sober but he never stayed that way. It took him leaving her for her to get over it finally, but now she is married to a guy who loves her kids like his own and they are expecting their first one in NOV. She still loves her ex but now realizes it wasnt worth the pain and suffering her and the kids went through and now it has faded to a friendship and they are better now this way than together. I hope things get better for you and I am so sorry this has happened *hugs*
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I've seen people in recovery stay with their families and recover. I've also seen people kicked out and have to earn their way back into the home. In some ways, I think having to be out of the home grants the recovering addict a freedom to focus on him/herself and brings into sharp focus the seriousness of the disease. However, some people thrash around all pissed off and miserable and blame their misery on getting kicked out and missing their family. There's a lot of discomfort that comes with getting clean. It can be very uncomfortable to live with someone going through the process. While I think it would be safer for an addict to begin recovery outside of the family home, it is ultimately a decision best left to the family.
@InsanityandChaos - you are in my thoughts.
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If I ask him leave it will not be a threat or a temporary thing for me to wait it out while he figures himself out. I've already decided that. @Gingersnap - the ones that thrash around and blame everything on getting kicked out? That would be DH. He is the master at manipulating things to make him the victim. That's his deal. Everything has an excuse and is someone else's fault. He was raised to be that way to be honest. I guess that is why I'm waiting to make a move until I know the situation for what it really is. For when I have proof to back up what I'm doing. Because there will be no going back. I've been through this before with him. And maybe this is wrong to think this way, I don't know, but the last time, DS was a baby. He didn't know anything was going on, or hear the fighting, it didn't affect him. Things are different now. I have a 4 year old and a baby. I have to protect them from this. So if we split up, it will be a divorce. I can't have my kids or myself living in limbo, I have to move on and make a life for ourselves. I just have to figure out how in the hell I'm going to do that....
the truth has arrived...
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From the Confessional
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The only reason I talk to my ex is honestly his looks. Or at least that is why I am hung up on him.I know this. I also know he'd be a shit step dad and I would regret leaving sh. So why all the pining?
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I hate my husbands mother. I hate when she touches my child. I wish I had the guts to tell him to cut her out. My hatred for her makes me question my marriage.
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I wonder what my H would say about me on here...I sure as F am not very nice about him.
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There are days when the only thing that lets me know that I'm moving forward is the sound of the dishwasher.
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