I gave my sister in law all my baby items & now I want them back
  • I had three baby showers. One was family, one from my husbands work and another from my doula/midwife/coworker friends. The family baby shower was huge, my mom and aunt went all out. I got a ton of stuff as the family guest list was 75 people deep. Maybe this lavish baby shower got my SIL jealous because she has always had issues with us having more than them.... but that is beside the point.

    Last year, when my sister in law was pregnant (also with a girl) I gave her our baby swing, boppy nursing pillow, excersaucer, custom rocking chair, baby bjorn, high end bassinett (that I got from one of my celebrity clients) two huge bins of baby clothes clothes, a brand new peg perego infant car seat (I got 2), the matching stroller, Snap and go stroller, a pregnancy body pillow, high chair, blankets, burp cloths, etc. It filled up the whole back of their SUV!

    Now that we are TTC, I am thinking of asking for them back. I dont really know how to approach her. (I'd only want the baby bjorn, poppy, body pillow and small items back) We live a few states away so shipping would get costly, that is why I am only asking for small/light items. Last winter, We moved away and were not ready for another baby and.... they don't have a lot of money anyways so I thought I'd help them out. By the time I have my next baby her daughter would have grown out of the newborn essentials...

    My sister in law didn't invite me to her baby shower (maybe because I lived too far? She said she sent one--never got it) and never sent a thank you card for all the stuff I gave her, not to mention I sent her over a box worth well over $400 in baby stuff and a gift card to Babies R Us. I also sent her a custom diaper bag and a big order of Baby Gap stuff. I know she uses everything because I see her FB and her daughter is either wearing the Baby Gap clothes or what was in the bins I gave them.

    Never got a Thank you card for any of this...  :-q Personally, and maybe this is old fashioned, but I am really big on thank you cards.

    Ok, so I admit, I am quite bitter. Apart of me wanting this stuff back is out of hurt for never getting a Thank you. They are coming soon for a visit and I want to ask her to send back the small stuff, but dont really know how. I am worried I'll sound like a bitch and dont want to start any family drama.

    Thoughts??

     
  • InsanityandChaosInsanityandChaos
    Posts: 1,924Member
    I would just very simply ask her before she comes for a visit to bring back anything she's done using that you gave her because you are getting ready for a new baby hopefully soon. Put it to her in a way that makes her feel happy for you, instead of put out about bringing back your stuff. Like " Hey guess what, we are finally ready to have another baby! When you come down next week could you bring me that boppy, etc, etc, so I can get started getting ready for her?!" All said in a super happy cheerful voice like, "yay me!", ya know? That way you make it about the baby coming and not about it being your stuff that she's totally obligated to give back anyway, lol
  • @InsanityandChaos The tricky part is that they are planning to get pregnant next year. I am sure they would want to reuse the baby stuff. 
  • InsanityandChaosInsanityandChaos
    Posts: 1,924Member
    Guess this time she'll have to shell out then won't she, lol. Sorry that was mean! When you gave her the stuff did you do it in the form of a gift? Or just say hey, would you like to use my stuff? If you gave it to her as a gift and you really think she will cause drama about giving it back it might be better to just let it go, but if you didn't, and you were just letting her use it then she really is obligated to give it back in my opinion.
  • I asked my husband and said we gave it to them... and that it would be weird to ask for it back. I'll just have to wait and see if it comes up in conversation and then ask for the small things. I dont think I'll have another baby shower.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    I wouldn't ask for it back until I was successful with the TTC. If you ask for it back and she gives it to you and it takes a long time (or doesn't happen), you'll look bitter AND foolish.
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 8,345Administrator, Moderator
    I really do not mind sharing, and love helping mama friends/family out, but this is why I didn't part with anything that I really loved or knew we would use again since I KNOW we want to have more kiddos. If I wasn't planning on having more kids for 5 or more years, then I probably would have given things to family/friends since that is a long time to store things, trends and safety regulations change, etc. I think that if you made it clear it was a loan, then it wouldn't hurt to mention that you are TTCing and would like X, Y, Z back. If you didn't make it clear even, you could politely ask for what you want back and see what she says. If your husband thinks it will be 'weird' though, it may not be worth it. 

    community-manager


  • CanadianMamaCanadianMama
    Posts: 10,374Administrator, Moderator
    Mention in conversation to her that you two are starting to try again, and that you were wondering if she was done with some things. I'm sure she knows that you're expecting them back. I have given all (except one outfit from each size) of DD's clothes to a friend of my sisters, and said that I wouldn't need them back, but she's boxed them up and put them aside for us (or my sister) just in case. 

    community-manager


  • OxiMOMOxiMOM
    Posts: 3,104Member
    A friend of mine gave me Bags and bags of clothing from her son. A baby bath tub, a play mat and some other items. I know her and her husband are currently ttc and if they have another boy I will be returning the stuff to her once our son has out grown it. She kept the outfits she REALLY liked and the things she wanted to keep but I just assume she would want those things back. Of course as long as they are still in good condition
  • Well, The topic didn't come up. But I am sure it will at some point. The next time I see her will be for her daughters baptism in March. Since her daughter will be 9 months old by then, I will be able to see what is being used. 

    My cousin is pregnant and due in December. She had a baby shower two weeks ago and I got her an infant car seat. However the infant car seat doesn't fit with the stroller she got and she really loves this mickey mouse car seat I got her. When my cousin mentioned she was going to get a Snap N Go Stroller, I remembered that I gave my SIL one. When I asked my SIL if she was still using this Snap N Go stroller and could give it to my cousin (mind you she has two other strollers and told me last week she uses her jog stroller all the time...) my SIL said in a text, "yes I am still using the Snap N Go stroller and I'll let you know when I am done." 

    Rather rude, right?? 

    Maybe I am just rubbed the wrong way because I gave her soooooo much stuff and then to never get a Thank you, and then to go and spend as much as I did at Babies R us and then to never get a Thank you for that stuff either, on top of that, and not an invite to the shower too. Yet she has asked us to be her child's god parents for this up coming baptism. 
    My SIL was all nice to me, texted me daily about her upcoming trip, and was overall cherry before her visit last month but once she left, not a Thank you, not a card, nothing. Not a text, email, facebook message...nothing. I didn't hear from her at all until she replied to my text regarding the stroller for my cousin. 
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,529Member
    I think your feelings are hurt about not getting a thank you. She should have been more appreciative, but I wonder if she feels awkward because you have more than her. Did she *say* thank you for the things? I know you didn't get a note, but like you said, it is a little old-fashioned and it going by the wayside for a lot of people. Asking you to be her child's god-parents is huge, though, and probably shows more appreciation that a note. As for the things you gave her, your husband says you *gave* it. That means you really can't expect to get them back. Sounds like she's trying hard to build a relationship with you, though, and I think that's a nice thing. Since her daughter is still only 9mos old, she might still be using a lot of the things. When you see them in March, you might ask her "We're hoping to have another baby soon! When we do, would you mind if I use xy&z that I gave you? I was so comfortable with them, which is why I was sure you would be, too."

    **edit- She might have felt awkward to invite you to the baby shower, considering how much you had already given her. She might not have wanted you to feel that she was asking for more, maybe?
    deus ex machina
  • @ImWendy 
    My sister in law is very passive aggressive. For instance, before she had her baby, my MIL was all about my daughter. Being the first grandchild and everything, I understood. But our mother in law likes to drink, take pills, cant get over the fact that her sons are married with kids and is very childish overall. I worked very hard to protect my daughter from my MIL's actions. I would tell my sister in law how my MIL would do scary things with my daughter and she would agree with me. Then she would turn the story, tell her husband (our husbands are brothers) and blow up the situation. One of many situations was- I dont want my MIL holding my 2 month old while she has had 4 glasses of wine and her fiftth in her left hand while my newborn is on her right arm. My SIL would agree then tell her husband that I dont want my MIL to hold my newborn. 
    Things like that. Very two faced. 

    I looked up our texts (apple lets you download them) and I have the texts that say I was loaning the baby stuff to them and that they would send me the stuff as they were finished. She agreed. 
    But I think she is being passive aggressive because she is jealous. Like congratulating me on my mothers day gift (a new SUV) and then goes on Facebook and says..."Must be nice..."

    But yeah, I am going to ask for more stuff back once I am pregnant and I know for a fact she isn't using it anymore. All gloves are off!
    X(
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,529Member
    Ooooh. Well then that is totally different! lol. I was just trying to help you find a more positive out-look. ;) And since you have the texts where you said you were loaning it, and she agreed to that, then absolutely you need to ask for it back! Honestly, I wondered what you were thinking when you "gave" her such high quality stuff. I thought maybe you had decided you didn't want more babies and thought you were done with it. Are you going to accept being the baby's god-mother? I wonder if she's doing it because she knows you'll be able to help financially, or if maybe she genuinely likes you.
    deus ex machina
  • The only reason we are the baby's god parents is because of my husband being so close with his brother.

    When I gave her all that baby stuff and clothes I told her that I we were moving and couldn't take it with us. I wasnt planning on getting pregnant later in the year, that's if we had another baby. But then three months after moving from the west to the east, My husband got transferred to Colorado. My husband's whole family lives out here so I have tons of support. My SIL knew our plan, knows we are TTC, so it will come at no surprise. 

    but thank you @ImWendy you seem to have such a level head and after my experiences with this board; its like a breath of fresh air! Thanks for your help.
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,529Member
    Aw! I like you. :) And I also can see that you're trying to show your personality more. AND, for the record, I think it's helpful to have advice from a professional, too.
    deus ex machina
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    Honestly, I think you should let it go.  You didn't loan it to her, you gave it to her.  You have no claim to the items, technically.  It doesn't sound like you are really in a position where you can't afford essential items.  The best you could do is ask to borrow the items from her.
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    I just saw your post that you have texts saying you loaned the stuff.  That changes things.
  • The stuff I gave her had sentimental value and she knew this. I do have claims to these items because they were mine. She agreed to send me stuff as her baby out grew them. I am not trying to be an "Indian giver", [for lack of a better word] but knowing her personality and the fact she isn't using a lot of it, I feel it would be ok to ask for them back. 
    When we go out in March for the baptism, we are driving my in-laws fith wheel and so we can take a lot of the stuff back with us without having to worry about shipping it. 
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,529Member
    Oh the fifth wheel gives you the perfect opportunity to bring it up, too. Use it like you're doing her a favor and saving her money and aggravation of trying to get it back to you. See how nice you are to her? Lol
    deus ex machina
  • CanadianMamaCanadianMama
    Posts: 10,374Administrator, Moderator
    @NightNightBaby I think you've got this situation figured out :D I hope your SIL doesn't fight you on it, I would hate for this to become an argument. Just want to mention that I think it was incredibly generous of you to a)loan your SIL the baby stuff and b) to also buy her so many presents :D If she fights you on returning the stuff, well that would speak worlds to her character, wouldn't it :D

    community-manager


  • TNmommy
    Posts: 44Member
    Since she's being rude in the first place I would dish it right back to her. Sounds like you are the only adult in the situation. I'm 30 weeks and almost everything I have was given to me and if any one of them ever need it back I would willingly give it because it wasn't mine in the first place. I would just flat out tell her you have the text that said you loaned it to her and she agreed to give it back when she was done and you figured by now she isn't using a lot of the stuff. And if she's acting like that I wouldn't want to be around her anyway. Family or not. Just be blunt! It will def make you feel like you lifted a weight off your chest!
  • You could try asking for them back but tbh expect them to be trashed and if they're not then think yourself lucky. I did the same and loaned my baby things to my sil many years back when we had babies. The pram came back rusted all over the chrome and covered in mould because she left it outside :-(.  Other items were similar or just non existant. This was after I had told her that I was willing to let her use them but please could she take good care of them because I might want to use them again.

    I have learned to never 'loan' something I dont want to lose. Some people just have no respect.
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 7,057Member
    Oh you go get them back! You can be sickeningly sweet about it too, take a leaf out of her passive aggressive book and she will be forced to give you them back! Especially now you are pregnant, and you can tell her that you might be able to loan them to her again for her next, if she is planning to ttc next year.
    I have a slightly similar issue with pregnancy stuff. I got some really nice maternity clothes and i bought a heartbeat listener thing that you strap to your belly, i got that 2nd hand so i dont mind losing it so much, and im not planning another baby any time soon, but i leant the monitor to a neighbour and she gave it back as soon as she was finished with it, it was awesome, then i leant it to a friend from mums and tots who was having her first and then she went off on maternity leave 9she was a nanny) and i leant her the clothes an i havent seen her since! she should have had the baby by now, but not so much as a text! my best friend is now pregnant and broke and could do with the stuff but it doesnt seem to be happening!

    For the record, i am really enjoying 'getting to know you' better, its nice to see the real you :)
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,074
    Actions speak louder than words. You have every right to ask for your baby items back. If she causes drama, it will speak more to her character than yours. You are obviously very giving and if she wants to be stingy, it will really set the tone for your relationship in the future. 

    Does your SIL have any sisters? Would the situation be different if one of them got pregnant and wanted a crib, stroller, high chair or nursing pillow back? 
    I get the drift your SIL will talk about this situation behind your back but doesn't have the balls to say it to your face. 
    But that's on her. 
  • Good point @anon! why yes, my SIL does have sisters. 3 of them actually and they all have kids and they all loaned her things as well. And yes, the situation would be quite different if her sister was expecting and wanted things back. 

    My SIL was texting me today and we did get on the topic of when we come out in the spring and I did ask if I could have the newborn baby items back, everything out grown. I did not name anything. My text said this, 
    "When we come out I would have just had my gender sonogram so I'll know the sex of the baby. If its a girl, I'm hoping to get some of the baby stuff back I lent you. Of course, whatever your not using for an 8 month old. Our MIL said she could fit everything in the 5th wheel so there's no worrying about shipping everything."
    She text me back and did agree to give me back some stuff... not all. 
    Should I name what I want so it wont be a surprise? or just wait until I get there. 

    My (awesome) MIL is a children's photographer here in town, she took absolutely beautiful pictures of my SIL's baby while they were in town. My MIL proofed and corrected the pictures then sent them the disk so they could order prints or a canvas or whatever. Did my SIL email, call or text my MIL letting her know she got the disk in the mail? Nope. Thank my MIL for taking such gorgeous photos? Nope. Nothing. 

    I'm sure I'll be hearing something about this text (from her husband to my husband) rather soon. But whatever, I think I have plenty on my side and the lack of appreciation and communication says it all. 

    (BTW: my MIL on the west coast is the pill popping, booze drinking nightmare. My MIL that lives near us is like a dream. She is a photographer, Its my DH's step mom and I just adore her.)