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DD3 and Church, Help me.
  • GlitterQueen GlitterQueen
    Posts: 2,492Member
    Okay so here is the back story. My dh and I don't go to church, he was raised Presbyterian when I met him said he was Catholic but had never been to mass and thought I was making Lent up. He hasn't been to church in the 9 years I have known him. I was just raised Christian, I went to church some, I had bad experiences. Dh says he isn't sure he believes in God, I believe. I believe in demons here on earth. I recently started tell DD3 a little about God and Jesus and some Bible stories. I told her if she is ever scared to call on Jesus and he will protect you. DH scoffs at this to me but not to our dd. MIL asked to take dd to church group, we said it was fine as long as there is no strict teachings about religion. ( I want her to grow up and make her own choice, be it Muslim Buddhist or Christian dh agrees) The problem started when she brought home a Manger book about Jesus birth. I had no problem, but when my MIL left my dh went nuts, saying the church was trying to brainwash dd so they can instill there beliefs in her and then control her when she gets older. I think this is insane, its just a book!!! He is saying she shouldn't go back to the kids church group, she enjoys it and I don't think anything is being forced on her. I am not sure how to handle my DH in this situation, I don't think compromise is going to be an option. I am not sure how to teach DD what I believe but still let her know she has a choice. I know its a long process and it definitely won't happen now, she is 3 just barley able to comprehend basic Christian ideas. I want her to be able to go if she wants to with out having to argue with DH about it. What should I do?
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,561Member
    I don't believe in the Christian God, but I teach my kids basic Christian beliefs. The ONLY reason I do is so they will not be tormented by the other kids. I've touched on some of my beliefs with them but that had some pretty negative affects, too. For example, I don't believe in Hell. Noah told a daycare teacher that "we" don't believe in hell, so she promptly told him that we are all going to hell. As an adult, my logic is that we can't go if it isn't there, but to a kid... Not so much. And having an authority figure screaming it in your face is even worse. So I pretty much keep my mouth shut about MY beliefs for now, even though they know I have different beliefs. They all go to church with their dads, and I'm actually glad they're able to get the traditional beliefs without me having to lie to them or hide my feelings, or even worse, have to actually GO TO CHURCH with them. lol.

    So maybe you can approach your husband with that angle.

    On the other hand, I'm still upset because the other day, Tessa told me that the church she goes to told her that the voice in her head is the devil. ARGH!!!!! What the eff are they thinking??? So I had to try to undo the damage and explain to her that the voice is her. Her conscious, her ego, and her id. I should not have to have complex psychological conversations with a freaking six year old! But, I guess, that's the happy medium? She can go and learn the traditional things, and because my kids talk to me about everything still, I can undo the damage that might follow.
    deus ex machina
  • GlitterQueen GlitterQueen
    Posts: 2,492Member
    Those types of comments are exactly what we are worried about. I had horrible experiences as a kid like that. Being forced to kiss the feet of a cross and your going hell and such. I don't want any of it to be forced.  I am not sure how to introduce her to this now anyway. I feel like she needs to be prepared somewhat, Both her Great Grandmothers probably wont' live much longer and I would like to be able to explain Hevean to her or something of its equivalent. How did you undo the damage?
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    In order for her to be able to make her own choices, she has to be educated about different beliefs. Shielding her from it is not going to allow her to decide for herself. Bible stories are a good way to teach basic morals even if u don't believe in god. She is 3, she can't comprehend the deeper concepts anyway. Maybe u could explain to him that it is just teaching her basics like sharing right now and when she gets older u can get into other religions and beliefs so she can figure out her own beliefs.
    ~slim shady~
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,561Member
    @monkeymommy I just explained that it's her own thoughts, and that is called the conscious. Noah was a lot more emphatic. lol. Noah tends to believe more the way I do, but Tessa believes everything they tell her in church.

    I noticed this is DH's family taking her... There could be a very very valid reason he doesn't want them to influence her beliefs. It actually might be a good idea to trust him on this. He only scoffed at you to YOU, not her, so having complete control (for now) on what she's learning is could be good. I use all the Christian holidays as the basis for teaching them traditional things. Plus, it's good that she can be influenced by you both and figure out a mixture of beliefs to find what suits her best. I would recommend, though, that your husband limit his teachings to the general idea that there ARE other beliefs and that she is allowed to choose. The main thing I teach my kids is that all people are expected to be good and considerate of others. They see me do small things for people. Like letting someone out in traffic or holding the door for a stranger or that we're sponsoring a kid for Christmas. Oh and that just because someone does something wrong to us doesn't mean we do something wrong to them.
    deus ex machina
  • TypoFaeryTypoFaery
    Posts: 1,940Member
    I think the book is fine, I had a set books that told every bible story and read them all when I was little. Actually stayed up waaay late one time and read all of them at once. About 20 books when I was about 8. And I am now a good little Pagan lol. If anything it taught me about the faith and allowed me to form an opinion about it. My parents didnt take us to church and were more about the family and love of the holidays than Jesus but I knew the basics. When I got older, around 13 I started having questions about things and started looking into other religions and started studying Paganism around 15. My mom wasn't thrilled but also didnt scoff. As long as you keep an open mind and let her know there are other ideas and religions out there that are just as valid you should be fine. 
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,314
    Both my husband and I were raised Catholic. When we had children we knew they would be raised Catholic. We are definitely more liberal in our beliefs though. I wanted to lay the foundations for them to be Catholic but once they completed their sacraments they can decide for themselves what they want to be-if anything. Obviously being a feminist and bleeding heart liberal, I don't "agree" with everything that the Church or the religious do and quite frankly, some Christians really scare me. I have had to tell my kids Yes, the "church" say blah...is wrong but I don't believe that and I  (homosexuals, abortion, gay marriage, etc)  When our very strict Priest would go on his tirade about abortion - I would start huffing and puffing in the pew. 
    When my now 17 year old went to a Lutheran Preschool, we were very nervous it would be to "religious" for us. But it turns out it was not preachy at all and no mention of Hell or the Devil. The prayer at snack wasn't bad more about being thankful than anything else. Of course she was almost kick out when she drew Jesus with a penis!
    The point is I have told my kids what we believe (and sometimes it changes) and what others believe perhaps it differs from us but we need to have tolerance. They do know how I feel about the overly religious. 
  • GlitterQueen GlitterQueen
    Posts: 2,492Member
    How should I talk to my husband about our dd going to the church group, I believe now he is against it. But i would like for her to go if for nothing else an hour break. He doesn't like to see things anyone else way, we are in marriage counseling for it but its still a work in progress and I am worried about a fight.
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,561Member
    I would be honest with him and tell him you need the break. Can you suggest that he take your daughter out for a bit every Sunday? Or at least every other Sunday? It doesn't even have to be Sunday; just a set day you can count on. You can't completely acquiesce, though, just because you're worried about a fight. Tell him you're feeling worn down. It won't be for long because she'll be in school in another year or two.
    deus ex machina
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
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    well behaved women seldom make history
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,314
    Im Christian and I believe in God and Jesus but, I feel that everyone is entitled to their beliefs.  I will not lie I have had many go-rounds with my faith do to other people who are fundamentalist and preach hate and intolerance. I believe it is not our place to judge others and I believe in intelligent design and not the literal 7-day creation but, it took me a little bit to realize that it was not God's fault other humans made me feel like a bad Christian so, I am ok with personal relationship with God although other Christians and non-Christians alike to label me.  On that same note, I think your DH and you need to allow your DD to experience church if she wants to.  It seems obvious your DH has strong feelings against it but, I believe that is because of his own issues that he needs to resolve for himself without transferring them to your DD.  I mean is there anything really wrong with her learning about the Christian faith? It sounds like he is being very judgmental and closed minded.  
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,314
    We've been trying to think about how to approach faith with our new daughter- we attend a Unitarian Universalist church, which believes in finding your own path through multiple teachings.  Our families have very different paths themselves.  My idea is to ask that instead of just closing all doors, that she be given books from multiple faiths.  So she has a Bible Story book- cool.  What about a book about Buddha?  Celtic lore?  Can you find a book of Native American spiritual stories?  When they are all approached as different paths and different stories, she can be exposed to a variety of faiths and be better able to chose her own path in the future.
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    I would just try to explain to him that she is so young that to her its just an hour of playing with other kids and listening to stories. She's not understanding the religious concepts. I'm sure all they do is have a bible story and then color pictures or something. They are probably teaching them the moral of the story like loving ur neighbors or sharing or something. They probably do tell them about jesus but u could tell ur husband that she will learn about him in school anyway. He is a historical figure as well as religious. Jesus did exist, whether or not u believe he was the son of god. Just try to explain to him that eventually she will learn this stuff and it won't hurt her, she has to have information to be able to figure out for herself what she believes. Maybe he could go with her and see what they are teaching and if its too hard core then don't go back.
    ~slim shady~
  • GlitterQueen GlitterQueen
    Posts: 2,492Member
    @anon anna, I like the different stories option, I will try that with Christmas coming around.

    @shadylane I don't think its a overzealous group but bad experiences make me worry.
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