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I need advice- is my husband controlling, clingy, or normal???
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,314
    Hi everyone! I'm hoping to get an outsider's opinion on this.
    Whenever I want to do a "girls night" or just hang out with a friend or even my mom, my husband tries to guilt me into staying home. He uses all sorts of reasons/excuses; he misses me, don't I want to spend time with him and our son, our son misses me, my friends don't appreciate me as much as he does, etc. This has been going on for a very long time (maybe even since before we were married, although I don't really recall), and I've often thought it was a trust issue, even though I'd never done anything to betray his trust. It's gotten to the point where I just turn down friend's invitations and choose to stay home because a) it's easier than arguing with him and b) I feel safe staying inside my personal bubble at home.
    I grew up an only child, and was always used to having alone time. I've tried explaining this to him, and he said he understands and doesn't mind if I go to spend time at the bookstore or the coffee shop by myself, but when it comes time to do it, it becomes this huge battle.
    A little background on my husband- he does have an anxiety problem, which he's often used as his excuse for why he doesn't want me to go out by myself.
    This is an issue that's been going on for a while, and it leads me to constantly feels smothered and stuck. It escalates inside to the point where all I can think about is leaving my marriage so I don't feel so suffocated. There are a few other issues that lead to thoughts of separation, but I won't get into that just yet.
    What do you guys think? Am I being unreasonable?
  • ohjoy
    Posts: 87Member
    I don't think your the one being unreasonable at all. Does he ever go out by himself? Maybe he's insecure or jealous? Would counciling be an option?
  • GlitterQueen GlitterQueen
    Posts: 2,492Member
    Sounds like he might be a bit insecure. Not in that you would do anything but insecure with himself. I would try telling him that you love him and your son but that girls night out is part of 'me time". Maybe you should tell him you feel smothered some when he protests a girls night out. It may hurt him but it won't harm him.
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,022
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • monstamomonstamo
    Posts: 486Member
    I would take it slow with him. Schedule a girls night (maybe not one to the strip club yet), make it non-negotiable. Then go, have fun and he will see that there is nothing wrong with you having time outside of your relationship. And let's face it, Moms and wives take a piece of these relationships with them everywhere. Let him see that this is harmless to him and normal for you.
  • Youdontknowme
    Posts: 21Member
    I do think all men are like this to an extent. I know mine was. I had to ease him into it. Small trips here and there. Eventually he realized that me needing some breathing time didn't mean I loved him less or didn't want to spend time at home.
    He also learned that when I had some time to myself, it made me a better happier wife and mother
  • DemandaDemanda
    Posts: 4,484Member
    Does he have lots of friends of his own?  I know my boyfriend can get a little emo sometimes when I go for girls night - most of his good friends live in another province.  He has friends here, but he's the only one with a kid and he can't always do what they're doing.  We do a lot of "couples" things with a couple of my girlfriends and their SO's.  It usually ends up with the girls chatting on one side and the guys on the other anyway, so it's almost as good as dedicated girl's nights. As a result, he's become closer with some of these guys and now will do things with them on his own... maybe give something like that a try?
    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." ~ Gloria SteinemPhotobucket
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,314
    thanks guys, this is great advice. He doesn't really have any close friends, which doesn't help my case much.
    I'm going on with a friend tonight...he's been pouting about it all afternoon. I tried to call him out on it but was met with denial. I will take mammatroll's advice and play dumb next time.
    Thanks again. :)
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