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Cancelling Christmas - Have you?
  • pissedoff
    Posts: 15Member

    So here is my dilema.  I have an ADHD/ODD DAS 8 years old.  We've had him for 3 Christmas' now.  He has a huge anger problem and thinks he should be in charge and that yelling at me for whatever (homework, clothes, the weather, discipline, etc) is acceptable treatment for a mother.  The last 2 Christmas' I have threaten to call it off but didn't because 1) he straightened up and 2) we wanted to start establishing traditions with him. In these last 2 years, we've learned that these "rages" and "outbursts" are completely controllable and manipulated by him to get whatever outcome he wants (it doesn't work here, but did in his foster home).  We have a lot of rough days.  For the judgers, he's on meds and sees a therapist who backs me 100%.


    This past week, I finally had enough.  He was horrible.  Every single morning was a battle with rages and control issues.  Screaming and throwing things at me to the point I whipped his butt 3 times. I've been really trying to get away from him driving me to that point but I just couldn't contain it anymore.  Wednesday morning I gave my final ultimatium.  He either start acting right or Christmas was canceled.  That afternoon, I received a report from school he had been in trouble twice and then said a few cuss words at the babysitter's.  That did it.  That night, I tore down EVERYTHING.  The tree is packed up and so are the ornaments.  He's been told that he has until the 24th to get his head straight or there's nothing from ANYONE. 


    He of course cried "I want presents".  Which irritates me further because he hasn't hardly played with the toys he got last year!  We bought him a bike last year that we have to force him to ride. 


    So, am I bitch? Probably.  But I just don't know how to get through to him.  And we're approaching the really bad time of year for him (January) where he really gets out of control, so I'm hopeing that I can get him reigned in before all hell really breaks loose.


    Has anyone fully canceled Christmas? Did they turn around in time? Or did you have to follow through with no presents? I want him to have a Christmas badly, but I just can't with his behavior right now.

  • GlitterQueen GlitterQueen
    Posts: 2,492Member
    I am soo sorry he is cause so much distress.. I don't think your a bitch and I give you lots of credit.. I wouldn't have it in me to cancel Christmas and then possibly have to go through with it. Could he be acting out afraid you will abandon him?
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    I cancelled Hallowe'en this year.  Told him if he didn't smarten up Christmas (for him) would get the axe, too.  He's been angelic since Hallowe'en though.  I'm a big believer in following through on your threats.  He didn't believe I'd actually cancel Hallowe'en on him, I think it worked.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    Ugh that was Mommy Dearest I forgot to sign in again.

    I also wanna tell you, that if you do go through with it, ignore the haters who tell you're being cruel.  I got a lot of that.  But  they're not the ones who had to put up with my son acting like a demon, so fuck 'em.
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,726Member
    Thats such a difficult situation!! i dont really know what to suggest, i just want to express sympathy for what you are going through. Hugs!
    Also, I think if it were me, i would probably do what my parents did, which was ALWAYS present love through the discipline. They never said that i had really let them down, or that i was a disapointment or that I was bad. There was the emphasis on my bad behaviour, but also emphasis on the fact that i was a good person. I would scream 'I HATE YOU' at them, and they would calmly say, 'well, thats a real shame, because I love you.' It was VERY effective. There was a huge amount of emphasis on how they wanted me to behave, how they loved to see me be kind and loving and sharing, and we talked about examples of how I can show what a great person I am.
    However, your situation is sounds more extreme than i have ever experienced, and im sure you have exhausted every possibility! I have no idea what the right answer is regarding Christmas, its something you have to decide.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    DS10 is autistic and has a history of acting up around Christmas time. I was hoping it would be better this year but I noticed he was getting really excitable recently and sho enough, his aide told me the other day he was being impossible with her and the teachers.

    He's grounded now and has to earn back all his privileges one day at a time. If he gives them a hard time in the morning, there's no TV in the evening. He also needs to behave at school all next week if he wants Christmas presents.


  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    It has worked well whenever we've done this. Then we stop and eventually he falls back in those patterns. Rinse repeat.

    I wonder if it would still work if we'd do this every day.
    8-|
  • pissedoff
    Posts: 15Member
    Oh thank you! I get so much crap from my mother about it I want to scream! I feel so alone at times. No one really understands how hard it is. Tonight (so far) we're doing good. He had a couple opportunities to blow his top and didn't. Keep your fingers crossed!
  • inchoate
    Posts: 26Member
    I definitely agree that the most important thing is to follow through with your threats. If you've threatened to cancel Christmas and he doesn't smarten up, and you let it happen anyway, then you're giving him untold amounts of power. Best to stick to your guns this Christmas and see how it goes. If you have to cancel it and you regret it later, then you've learned that you need another approach. But my advice is to stick to your guns and keep all that delicious power for yourself.
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 5,498Member
    My brother didn't have any "diagnosis," he was just a little asshole who got his jollies annoying everyone else in the house. When he was 13 he got shut out of a family trip (not the whole family was going, so he wasn't left home alone) for bad behaviour. My mother nearly caved, but I and my aunt insisted that she stick to her guns. It was a valuable lesson for him, and he was never as much of an asshole to us again after that.
    So cancelling Christmas may be extreme, but it might also be the best thing you ever do in terms of getting through to him that this behaviour is not acceptable.
    Hugs - that's a really difficult situation.
    "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof bullshit detector.” - Ernest Hemingway
  • Mama_O_CLZMama_O_CLZ
    Posts: 41Member
    My only advice is to follow through on whatever you tell him that you'll do.  I don't think that Christmas is a right.  I'm sorry that you're having to deal with so much stress around the holiday season.  I've worked with kids who have been in the foster care system for many years, and I know that this time of year is commonly hard for those kids.  They saw a lot of abuse during this time of year.   :-|
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