I see a lot of posts about this subject and not only is it tiring to me, it's all a matter of what each individual family is going through. Some people say, "You knew what you were getting in to, deal with it" while others sympathize and express similar dislike/issues with their own step children.

Each situation is different and I can honestly say, having two step kids of my own, it's a really, really fine line and I try not to judge anyone. I understand the anger, confusion, resentment and dislike of the step children, I really do. I also understand the point of view that we all knew what we were getting when we married our DH's.

In our case, DHs sons are 12 and 14 (they just had birthdays) and their mother is, to put it as nicely as I can, a fucking idiot. She is raising them to be spoiled, entitled, rude, demanding brats. We are supposed to see them every weekend, but we haven't seen them in six or seven months because they don't want to come to our house (why? because there are rules and they don't get to walk all over us, which they hate).

When we do actually see them, the visit are horrible. They spend most of the time bitching, whining, trying to start shit and being jealous of their 3-year-old step brother (my kid) and all the "stuff" he has. They start fights with DH and with me, they are mean to DS3 and if we aren't doing something "exciting" or expensive, the visits don't usually last long.

We've tried EVERYTHING (I'm not going to rehash it all here because of commented on my situation in several other threads on this very topic) and nothing seems to change or work. They are miserable little brats and all we can do is try to manage and help them as best as we can.

I don't like my step kids very much, but I don't treat them like garbage either. I make an effort to be nice, to do nice things for them, to make them happy, despite the fact that it always gets thrown back in my face. I can't really take it out on them because even though they are old enough to know better, the environment they live in on a regular basis encourage and supports their bad behaviour, so go figure they don't want to change or even really know how.

We can debate this till we're blue in the face, but unless you know what a particular individual is dealing with, it's hard to judge. I'm not perfect, but I love my DH and I knew what I was getting in to when I got together with him. It's become increasingly more difficult over the year, but I support DH and his efforts to have a relationship with his children.

I may not like them, but they are DHs kids and I will do whatever I can to help him get through this and make sure those kids know he loves them, no matter what.

And to add, the step children are supposed to be coming over tomorrow for a week. It remains to be seen whether they will actually come or not. The DS14 already said he only wants to come to get his present (money) and then wants to be taken home. That broke DHs heart, but he's used to it.

I'm not looking forward to the visit at all, but like I said, I will suck it up for DH and try my best to be kind.

However, if they step out of line, you better believe they'll be told. And of course, that makes me a witch. Can't win.

Well in our house, it's exactly the opposite. We're always the bad guys.

Like I said, we have tried everything and there is NO communicating with that woman. We've been trying for five years now. It's gotten us nowhere.

HAHA! When a 14-year-old kid tells you "I hate you, you're a fucking bitch" it's hard not to take that seriously.

Well in my house there's something called respect and when I don't get it, there's hell to pay.

No kid is going to talk to me like that. Period. And I certainly don't take it seriously, but I'm not about to laugh about it.

Ehh, having that many sets of parents and values is hard on kids.  DDS and DD have both been back and forth between the other parents every other week since they were little (DD's daddy hasn't been in the picture since August) and we notice a huge change in both after they come home...and its from the different ways they are raised.  We demand respect and generally get it, but DSS still tries to play us against each other.  He knows, though, that his welfare comes first. 

@i_am_a_thunderbird then stop communicating unless it's in writing.  Keep up on your end--facebook, email, whatever.  Keep her posted and be civil and only respond to questions/facts.  If she responds, great.  If not, then she's the one that looks like an idiot if the communication ever needs to come to court.  Professionalism at its best!

Sorry...my bad.  No offense meant.  I guess I misread your post. 

I don't socialize with him on facebook--simply for messaging purposes and to keep track on him.  He has, in the past, created a facebook page for DD so he could play his games off of it...sickening. 

@Anon ^^^^  You put it very well. Except in my case, the step kids are not so good. At least not when they are with us.

But I feel the way you described above a lot.

Well put, @ImWendy, I agree. My ex broke up with his gf this spring, but before that she step-parented my son every other weekend for 3 years. Word on the street was that I was supposed to take issue with that... I never saw the point in being bitter about it, she treated him well, that's all I cared about.

I think I've said this before, but every time a thread like this comes up, I want to give my stepmom a big slurpy kiss and tell her how grateful I am for her. I'm moving in with BF in May and I hope I can be half the stepmom to his daughter that she was...well still is...to me.

Aw, @Sammie - you just made my eyes well up a bit, thank you! >:D<

@1:41a.m. That is the beautiful thing about parenthood and step-parenthood.  The rewards pay off later when the kids are grown.  As long as they don't turn out totally blind to their upbringing, eventually they will recognize and understand the difference between their multiple families.  Kids have an uncanny ability to know who is good to them and who isn't--but it won't come out until they are older. 

This doesn't apply to all kids all the time.  Some are just so brainwashed that it will never happen and you will be the bad guy forever.  And that sucks. 

Totally agree, @MommaWombat_Erin

I love my step kids, but I don't always like them. However I think there will come a day when I say that about the daughter I gave birth to, isn't that part of the relatinship with kids? My steps have made it PAINFULLY obvious they consider their step da an extra dad, but that I am just the person their dad married. Even my parents who have done more for & with them than either of their biological grandparents are still just my parents. They show up if they feel like it,cancel plans as we are 2 blocks away from picking them up. My unce passed away recently, he's bought them bday & Christmas gifts every year as long as we've been bringing them around (10+ years) but when I asked if they could come to the funeral they said they didn't think it would be convenient for them and was kind of a far drive. It was not quite an hours drive and it wasn't convenient for any of us to be honest. When they were younger it wasn't like this, but I imagine when my 7 year old bio is 14 or 15 there will be days she doesn't want to be around us either.

That's just one story. So I do love them both, I've known them and been in their lives for over a decade, but I don't always have to like them.

I haven't been able to spend very much time with BF's dd because she lives 5 hours away, but every time she has been here, I've been with her. I loved her before I even met her, simply because I love HIM and she's part of him. I find it very difficult to not love a child. Any child!

Should bf and I ever get married, I know there will be some issues. In fact there are already some issues stemming from the fact that he has a child. She and Tessa are 1 month apart in ages, and he feels terribly guilty for building a relationship with my daughter while he only gets to see his own daughter 3 or 4 times a year. But that's not either child's fault.

I think I'll have an advantage over some step-parents because I really do see what we are potentially in for. Her mom is crazy, too. lol.

@Gypsymama You hit the nail on the head about having different relationships between step-kids and your own kids.  I know here in a few years the relationship with my DSS may change, and it may change for the worst.  I don't know because his bio Momma and I have a strange relationship (I may have to do another post on THAT one because it's still something that weighs very heavy on my mind...) and we agreed a couple years ago that all three of us would work together for the best interest of DSS because each of us have something special to offer him.  I am not that boy's Momma, but I do love him and try to treat him as if he was my own because every child deserves as much love as they can possibly get.  I just hope that when he gets older, he will understand. 

My 20yr old SS started 'getting it' in his later teen years. That being said my 15yr old SD is still blind. I have been in their lives for 11+ years and they don't remember life without me. It is a difficult relationship and mostly positive. We have a DD7 and at times my DSD15 gets jealous as her bio mom feeds into the DD gets more attention etc.

We had a blow up about a month ago when DSD15 slaped DD7 and finally bio mom and dad had a conversation. Bio mom lit into DSD for physically assaulting DD and all has been great since.

Oh, and sometimes I lock myself in my car and scream at the top of my lungs, just to blow off steam.  :p

I have NO contact with my stepson and i only allow very limited interaction between him and my children. Sometimes its the only way you can keep your kids safe. My Dh and I pursued full custody for years but it didnt work out. Now the child has so many issues, it really is a matter of personal safety. I pray for him but due to his actions, his mothers neglect, and the states stupidity I have too much bitterness.

     I am engaged to a man with a 9 yr old daughter. She is very traumatized from all the unnecessary BS her parents put her through. I truly love his daughter but she can be a major challenge. I told someone the other day that I loved her dearly but when I get to a point I actually hate her and do not even feel love. I am reconsidering marrying due to his daughter, the ex wife, him and his controlling family. Between the 4 I feel like ripping my hair out. Only problem is is that I feel like I am the only one willing to only do what is best for the kid. Everyone else refers to the divorce decree or just wants to do what will be most inconvenient for the other parent which of course only hurts the child (or his family just buys her love and respect....amazing candy or a stuffed animal can make a child stop all the bad...only problem is it never stops).

I think my answer to your question is it is OK if you are not head over heels crazy about the kid(s) as long as you understand that they are a packaged deal and respect is a MUST all the way around. Love can not be forced. Also pay attention to how your significant other handles situations....if you do not like his way of discipline or communication well chances are they will not get any better.

Every situation is different. You must be honest with yourself about the big picture and whether or not you can handle it.

I think what does it for me, is that SS8 is just like his selfish
mother. We only get to see him 2 days a week and she baby's the hell out
of him. This kid gets anything and everything he wants. It only got
worse after the divorce was final. I can not stand the selfish, rude
attitude of my SS. But all we can try and do is teach him good morals
and to be respectful and hope that it sinks in :( I grates on my nerves
severely when SS is a jerk to his sisters (my kids). He can be such a
a-hole most of the time. He doesn't get that they, WE, LOVE him and want
to spend time with him because we only get such a short amount of time.
But he's always in a pissy mood bc his mom lets him stay up late. And
he'd much rather have his faced crammed into the  TV, computer, or
Nintendo DS.
~X(