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About my sister...Do you think I was wrong?
  • goodmommygoodmommy
    Posts: 1,574Member
    This is kinda long (sorry) but it has really been weighing on my mind.  My sister and her BF of nine years are constantly arguing and they have a 4yr old daughter.  He constantly puts her out and she stays with various family members who never take her back because she always goes back home to her BF.  A couple of weeks ago she asked if her and her daughter could come stay with me, my DH and my DS4.  I had to go get her she came here with no money,no car, no food, no toys for her DD... nothing. She spent the week at my house just hanging out upstairs (she basically had her own living room, computer, phone, and bedroom) and eating a lot. Her BF and her sat on the phone all night every night with each other.  If they werent on the phone they were on FB messaging each other.  This led me to believe that she was not sincere when she claimed that she wanted to start over and she was done with him. I was really trying to determine if she was wasting out time and money or if she was really trying to make a change so I told her she needed to put her BF on child support to take some of the pressure off of me and my DH.  She said that she would not be putting him on child support because he needed all of his money to pay his bills and had an attitude with me about it.  So I told her that she needed to go back to his house then so he could support her and her DD then.  I took her home and now I feel kinda bad about it.  She told my mom that she really didn't want to go home that I just took her home.  My mom also told me that she went over there on Christmas and my sister and her BF had been fighting (physically) I also secretly got tired of her laying around my house while my DH and I have to work. (bad I know)  Do you think I was wrong for taking her home? I'm starting to feel guilty about it.
    "Allons-y"
  • ohjoy
    Posts: 87Member
    I don't believe you were wrong. I think if they were still talking all night and fb messaging she would have gone back to him anyways. Abusive relationships are hard to leave, hopefully everything works out for her.
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,726Member
    No you werent wrong! Its alot of pressure on you, and its not fair for her to expect that of you.
    You have to get things right for YOU and your family, and its her job to get things right for HER and her family. Things get very complicated at this time of the year. Just make sure the situation is right for you, and if you can help her out thats great. Its up to her to make the changes she needs though. i hope things work out for all of you!
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • AnonUser23
    Posts: 2,278Guest
    You are so not wrong. I could see if she was at least TRYING to do something about her situation you could have let her stay longer but just laying around doing nothing? That is unacceptable. I understand about feeling guilty too but you have your own family to take care of. You should let her know you are there for her when she decides to make real, positive changes for herself and dd.
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,037Member
    Well she had a week to start getting things done. She doesn't expect her bf to support the kid but she expects u to? That's ridiculous.
    ~slim shady~
  • goodmommygoodmommy
    Posts: 1,574Member
    Thank you ladies I really needed your opinions. @shadylane that was what I found so outrageous
    "Allons-y"
  • mkramer
    Posts: 7Member

    Heck NO you weren't wrong!!! You can only help those who want to help themselves!

    Sounds like when it comes to your sister, she likes where she is,,the drama of leaving and going back again and again is a high for some women. She gets attention,,from all sides, whaooaa is me and the boyfriend is chasing her again too. She enables him to the hilt,,NO child support? The guy has it made.

    Eliminate yours stressors. She is one of them.

  • AnonUser24
    Posts: 2,607Guest
    I agree with the rest of the ladies... She needs to figure shit out on her own. She needs to have a plan and follow through. It's totally unfair for her to expect others to take care of them while she does nothing.
  • GingersnapGingersnap
    Posts: 7,320Member
    Yeah. What they said ^^.
    image
  • goodmommygoodmommy
    Posts: 1,574Member
    Omg yes her DD has seen her father pull a gun on her mother and is scared of both her parents
    "Allons-y"
  • Hopey0_0Hopey0_0
    Posts: 167Member
    Gosh thats horrible! And no you didn't do anything wrong, its not your job to support her or her DD. You tried to help her out and give her advice and thats the best you can do. What's the difference from her always being on the phone and fbing him than just living with him? I agree with the ladies above as well..
  • ScaryPoohBear
    Posts: 91Member
    I agree with the ladies, you were right to do what u did, bravo! U have your own family to look after,she has her own now. my SO is always telling methe same thing with my family who has tons of problems esp with their SO and he like me to just leave it alone b/c I can't always help them out. They have to do it themselves it be babies forever, it's hard saying so to family but if they gonna take advantage of u then it's time to cut ties.
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,783Administrator, Moderator
    Actually, if there's physical violence going on....has CPS been contacted? That's not a healthy or safe environment for your niece. At all.
    You can make a report anonymously. I doubt that they do anything more than make a visit to check things out, BUT it could be a wakeup call that's needed.
    At some point, as a responsible mother, you have to put your child's well-being first and foremost. It sounds like she hasn't gotten the message yet.

    If you and the rest of the family are at the end of your rope with taking her in when he puts her out, I totally understand that. But has anyone put it to her that this situation is damaging for her child? I know I personally get frustrated in situations like that, and go at it from more of the 'can't help someone who won't help themselves' standpoint...and while that may be true, it's still not fair to the kid, who can't help the situation.

    Maybe next time, instead of taking her in, pick her up and take her to a shelter. Or tell her when she calls, that you don't want to get in the middle of it again, unless she takes some positive steps for her daughter. (It really sounds like one or both would benefit from some anger management, and some parenting classes!)

    community-manager


  • goodmommygoodmommy
    Posts: 1,574Member
    I've considered calling CPS but I doubt they'd do anything the child has everything she needs physically. But you're right maybe it would scare them enough
    "Allons-y"
  • AnonMomAnonMom
    Posts: 2,410Member
    A child having everything they need PHYSICALLY does not take into account the emotional and psychological well being of the child.  Failing to provide for those two is also abuse.  Putting a child into harms way, whether that child has everything they need or not, is child abuse.  I would call CPS so fast heads would spin.

    You've done everything - save calling CPS - you can do at this point.  You can't fix stupid or insolent.  I hope something can change for the sake of that little girl though.  She does not deserve to be put in that situation because her mother can't pull her head out of her ass.  Just be prepared for you, or someone in your family, to step up and take your niece if CPS does deem it reason to take her from her home.  When/if you do call CPS, be very specific on some of the things going on.  The gun being pulled, physical abuse to the mother, etc.
  • loveurfaceloveurface
    Posts: 31Member

    hi @goodmommy

    i dont think you were in the wrong, you feel guilt becuz shes your sister, but how many times can one cry wolf, when one isnt ready to leave her bf, its only so much fam can do for your sister if she dont wanna change, she says she does but her actions say different, well its clear she isnt leaving him and i hope she does soon ((hugs))

  • goodmommygoodmommy
    Posts: 1,574Member
    Thanks everyone I think I will to give CPS a call
    "Allons-y"
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    she is putting her BF before her kid and that is sick.  She is a loser.  You shouldnt supprt her.
  • SouthernButterflySouthernButterfly
    Posts: 322Member
    You can only help those who are willing to help themselves sweetie.
    image
  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,716Member
    my sister is the same way. her 'baby daddy' just got out of a 2 year stint in jail, her current bf is a total ass to her and everyone else. i have given up helping her. my priority is my niece, i keep her as much as possible. she has her own clothes here, some toys ect. if DH and i can be a good role model for how you should love someone and what a healthy relaitonship looks like maybe she wont repeat the cycle.
    we got the house!!!!! i have worked so hard for 5 years to get us in a spot to buy! isnt it cute?!?!?!?
  • trishacaroltrishacarol
    Posts: 45Member
    The child is definitely the one who needs to be thought of in this situation. Even if the dad hasn't hit her she is still subject to the environment they are creating and it doesn't sound like a very safe one. Don't feel bad for making your sister leave at all, but i would consider the CPS call. Good luck to you, i am sure this can't be easy for you!
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    I would definitely call CPS.  They might even give your sister some support or counseling, even if they don't take your niece away from them.  Lots of times the parents make a different choice when they realize there are others watching them AND that might help her realize that this is not normal. 

    I am a mandated reporter.  The best way to get someone to listen is to give as much information as possible:  specific events, dates, things you have witnessed or that other family members have told you about.
  • yarrrrrrrr
    Posts: 207Member
    I agree that you did nothing wrong.  I've been in similar situations.  Don't feel guilty.  You tried to help.  It's one thing to inconvenience your own family in order to truly help someone else.  It's another when you're clearly being used, which I think you were. 
  • GrainneGrainne
    Posts: 862Member
    As someone who has worked in a CPS agency for many years - if your niece witnessed her dad pulling a gun on her mom that would be sufficient grounds to intervene for her safety. At least it would be in the country i live in. Not sure about different jurisdictions but I know where I live with our laws we would definitely investigate for her safety and probably pretty fast. I really encourage you to make that call for your nieces sake this sounds like a very bad situation for her and quite damaging poor little pumpkin.

    And I agree with the others about taking your sister home she is an adult and is making choices. If she demonstrated that she was making an effort to really leave and get her life on track and put her daughters safety first that would be different. But what you describe sadly it sounds like she is still caught in the cycle of violence. But your niece is not able to make those choices for herself which is why CPS needs to be called and check into it. Maybe it will be the wake up call your sister needs. Sorry for the long post but worried about your niece :-)
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    @mkramer.....NO THE DRAMA of going back and fourth is not what most women would call a high.  When you are in a domestic abusive relationship (physical or verbal)  You tend to believe your abuser and it is hard to leave....TRUST ME ON THIS!!!  They make you feel insecure without them or they tell you how you will fail if they are not in your life, or best yet.....THEY THREATEN you if you don't do what they say.  So please do not assume when women go back and fourth with a man who is abusive, that it is for a high.  We  would love to break away, sometimes we are just scared.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    I would like to add to the original poster, you are not wrong  for what you did.  The best thing you can do is let her know, when she is ready to make LIFE changes you will be there for her to help and guide her when she has committed to helping herself.  Let her know you will always be her rock when she feels like she has no where to turn.  That could be as little as listening to her,or taking her to a shelter to break free.
  • MaKaylasmommy
    Posts: 1Member
    You did the RIGHT thing!!!  just as pretty much everyone else says, you can only help people that want to help themselves..... BUT someone needs to help your niece.  That poor little girl, she didn't ask to be born.  CPS is probably the best way to go. 
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315

    I say congrats to you for not letting her take advantage of you. And 2nd give CPS a call like others suggested. That baby doesn't need to be around all that. Does he drink or anything for him to be such a douche or is he just like that?

  • goodmommygoodmommy
    Posts: 1,574Member
    He drinks but not often. My sister is an alcoholic and when she drinks she gets violent. At the beginning of their relationship she was the one hitting him and finally one day he started hitting him back and it just escalated from there. she now has permanent scars on her face,arm,and neck from their fights. It hurts because when they were here at my house her daughter said she wanted to stay here forever and didn't want to go home to her father. My sister has called her daughter a b***h and pushed her daughter while being drunk. once the father pushed my sister down and she landed on her daughter.
    "Allons-y"
  • goodmommygoodmommy
    Posts: 1,574Member
    You know a lot of memories of things that have happened have come up as I was typing. I can't see how I could just not call cps. I am trying to get myself into a position work wise to take her if they decide to remove her. I will for sure call next week.
    "Allons-y"
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    You weren't wrong however I would call CPS and make sure they are aware of everything you have said here.  You cant help her stupidity but maybe you can save the child from becoming a statistic, Your sister may hate you for "meddling" in her eyes but oh well.  I also suggest that if CPS steps in that you be prepared to take custody of your niece.  It is tough but i would talk to the rest of your family and make sure they know what you are doing and why.  The emotional damage price is to high for the child to pay, I know this all to well from what I experienced as a child, at the hands and words of my stepfather and my mothers failure to step in to protect me and herself as time went on and she stayed as she was physically and emotionally abused for everything she done.  If she refuses to leave and wants to take the risk of ending up dead is her problem but the child should never be a victim of her parents ignorance
  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,716Member

    @goodmommy, our sisters are incredibly alike, you wouldnt happen to be my other sister would you? lol!

    whe i spoke to CPS about my sister they said we could take my niece on temporary grounds if they removed her. but my sister would not be allowed to see her untill her case was figured out and processed. the problem we would run into is her showing up at our door demanding her kid, she wouldnt leave, then id have to call the cops, and she'd get arrested.

    CPS has been called once on her, and my DH and i have said if my sister doesnt get her shit together by the end od january we are calling CPS again. kids dont need to se these things.

    we got the house!!!!! i have worked so hard for 5 years to get us in a spot to buy! isnt it cute?!?!?!?
  • goodmommygoodmommy
    Posts: 1,574Member
    @momofeveryone that is horrible having to have your sister arrested. I would hate that but what can you do I guess. How long did your niece stay with you?
    "Allons-y"
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    you did the right thing... and do call cps. here in canada you are duty bound to report abuse  of a child
  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,716Member

    she's with us off and on depending on what deadbeat my sister has hooked up with. i also watch her durring the week when she's at work. my niece will be four in march so she will be starting preschool with my son and i will be watching her before and after school then. i will take her over the weekend alot bc i know if i dont she will just party at home with my niece in the next room with god knows who in the apt.

    IDC that she 'parties', i care that shes letting these drug dealing morons with no sence of decency aorund my niece. its only a matter of time till she is abused one way or another. the only good thing about DN dad being out of jail is his sister is like me and puts DN first, so none of the BS happens at her house. its the only reason i encourage my sister to let her dad spend time with her. the man has a record for everything from possession to assult with a deadly weapon, and those are the ones that stuck. i know he's beaten my sister to the point she miscarried the 1st time he knocked her up, she had me come to the hospital and take her home.

    after a while you have to step back and say no more. im worried with me about to have our second my DH is going to make me be much more firm with my sister and her nonsence. i dont want to 'pick' my kids over my niece but at the same time, if CPS wont remove her to my care im not sure what else i can do. iDK if this makes anysence but just know your not alone @goodmommy. lots of sibblings cant take care of thier crap and it gets dumped on the others.

    we got the house!!!!! i have worked so hard for 5 years to get us in a spot to buy! isnt it cute?!?!?!?
  • goodmommygoodmommy
    Posts: 1,574Member
    I hope your DH is still as understanding after your child is born. I'm not sure where my DH stands.
    "Allons-y"
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