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kids' dad's ex trying to contact kids
  • scotiamama
    Posts: 1,214Member
    I'd like your thoughts on this ladies.
    The kids' father and his gf were on & off for about 4 years(she moved in & out of his house and they have had nasty fights) They split again about 1-2mths ago. She has 3 kids of her own.
    She called my cell today and left a message to have the kids call her tonight. She just called a second time. I didn't answer because a) I don't know what she really wants, b) I don't want to talk to her at all, c) I don't know if its good for the kids to talk to her if she is out of the picture for good (but she probably isn't) if it was just my kids talking to her kids, I don't think I'd mind that as much. But I don't want her on the phone with the kids, using them to get info about what their dad is up to lately.
    Thoughts?
  • scotiamama
    Posts: 1,214Member
    Oh & she also has a habit of getting info to me about ex & his work situation after they split up to get back @ him I guess (working for cash to avoid child support, things like that) she usually goes through ex's sister though.
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,964Administrator, Moderator
    Ok, just to be clear, SHE is like a potential (or ex) step-mother type person?

    community-manager


  • scotiamama
    Posts: 1,214Member
    @love yes. She has been like step mother for a few years, but him & her break up at least once a month. He apparently has a new gf now.
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,964Administrator, Moderator
    Man that's tough.

    I'm trying to think how heartbroken I would be, if I couldn't call and speak to my stepsons occasionally, if something were to happen between DH and myself. 
    BUT I understand she may have ulterior motives.

    How about make the call, and put it on speakerphone? Then you can monitor the conversation, and interrupt if things go sideways, with a well-placed "I don't think that's appropriate" ...

    community-manager


  • OnmylastnerveOnmylastnerve
    Posts: 1,660Member
    Have you talked to your ex about this? Do you think he would care if she talked to the kids? And if you both are ok with it put it on speaker phone like @love said that way you can make sure she isn't saying anything inappropriate.
    not my chair, not my problem
  • PhDMommyPhDMommy
    Posts: 715Member
    Are your kids close to her or have you asked them if they want to talk to her? My initial feelings were "OH HELL NO!" but @Love makes a very good point, it might be genuine.  I think the speakerphone suggestion is an excellent idea.
    Ts'i mahnu uterna ot twan ot geifur hingts uto.
    No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
  • scotiamama
    Posts: 1,214Member
    I would have asked ex's opinion but we are talking about a guy who introduces the kids to new gf's everytime he breaks up with this chick so he doesn't have the best judgement. Most of the times she has moved out was after a fight while my kids were there. And her kids didn't live with her @ his house cause he didn't want them there... They are both pretty screwed up.
    I like the speakerphone idea @love I didn't think of that before
  • BlondieBlondie
    Posts: 97Member
    My husband was stepdad to a little girl for 5 years. His XW was in and out of mental facilities, so he was the ONLY parent for a lot of that time. She grabbed his heart, and he still considers her a daughter (the divorce was over 15+ years ago) and she still says he's the only man she ever called "Daddy,".

    Sometimes, it is real. But sometimes, it isn't. I would say give her the benefit of the doubt, but don't trust her completely until she proves her motives,
  • AnonMomAnonMom
    Posts: 2,430Member
    I'm a "bonus" parent that would totally miss having communication with my "bonus" kids if their dad and I ever went separate ways.  Ask the kids if they want to talk to her.  And if they do, use the speaker phone like @Love recommended.  By doing this you have control over he conversation.  You can also talk to her before the kids do to lay down ground rules.  Explain to her that your kids don't need to be a go between.  If she honestly wants to talk to the kids for the kids, she needs to understand that.  Good luck. 
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 3,749Member
    I had an amazing step-dad in my mom's second husband! He was actually the one to call me and tell me that he and my mom were getting a divorce. It broke my heart!! He was such an awesome guy. As a matter of fact, I still talk to him and they've been divorced for better than 15 years. Some bonus parents are in it for the kids, others have ulterior motives. I think @Love had a great idea. Go with that so you can be sure that she's ONLY calling to talk to the kids, not check up on their dad.
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,052
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • nonamejustmommy
    Posts: 162Member
    I think that if she wants to talk to them she should go through him and not you. But I am of the same feeling when it comes to the ex and any of his family. I'm not going to go out of my way and give my time up with my son just so he can see those messed up people. If they want to see him they can do it on his time and arrange things through him. 
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass....It's about learning to dance in the rain.

    Bide within the Law you must, in perfect Love and perfect Trust.
    Live you must and let to live, fairly take and fairly give.

    These Eight words the Rede fulfill:

    "An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will"
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