Yelling isn't a big deal!!!

Anonymous

I just posted on FB that I have to yell at my lazy kids to get them to clean and I'm being told just be nice and they will do it. That might work for disney families, but not mine. I don't think raising your voice and saying, "make your bed", makes a person a bad parent. How the hell else are they going to hear me when they are so busy being loud while playing that they won't hear a quiet, "clean your room"? Just an FYI yelling at your kids once in awhile is not going to give them a complex...actually I think that if kids don't hear a raised voice then when they get older and someone yells at them, they won't be able to handle it. Children do not need to be wrapped in bubble wrap!

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Mai

When my ds knows I'm past my limit he covers his ears BEFORE I start yelling. I must have a look on my face before I blow up? Lol

AnonMom

I yell AT and TO my kid ALL the time! I live in the south. I've learned it's a different world down here. Meaning it seems to be more accepted. And it's okay to spank your kids too. It's also talked about in groups. TOTALLY amazed and slightly comforted.

Anonymous

@MammaTeeRoll Someone mentioned it and now I somewhat feel like crap because my kids don't listen when I ask, or tell them to do anything in a quiet voice. Does that make my kids abnormal hooligans, or just boisterous children? I just spent the last 2 hours playing drill Sargent because apparently they can't do anything without me specifically telling them how to do it. I wouldn't get so upset, if this didn't happen constantly. They know how to clean, but they won't actually do it until I"m standing on top of them. It really sucks.

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Anonymous

The funny thing is at their dad's house, they do jump up and do what he tells them to do right away. I thinks it's because when he yells at them it's in a vicious I'm going to kill you tone of voice, but when I yell they just look at me funny. Sigh, basically all the little chores I asked them to do this week didn't get done, so today before they go back to their dad's ( we share 50/50 custody) I have to get them to do it all within a few hours.

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Demanda

I try to have similar rules, @eapple. For the most part it works, unfortunately it seems to be me who always breaks them... I've come to accept the fact that I must just be a yeller. I do agree with all your points, though. I do try to reserve my yelling for when I'm playing Nintendo...better I yell at Mario than anyone else..

I agree that I personally don't find yelling very effective in the long run. My BF is always yelling at his daughter lately...if you ask me it doesn't do shit. She just sits there and takes it and then acts the same way tomorrow. When I was a kid I used to just stare through my parents when they were yelling at me while thinking of something else...I'm sure she's doing the same thing.

Crash

And then there are some kids who just learn to yell back. There's one lady who is a chronic yeller, even in public, and I've seen her 7 yo right back in her face. What goes around, comes around.

unforgiven

I think it depends on the household, whats being said/yelled, the kids... It's not just black and white. I prefer no yelling though in my house.

Sammie

My mom yelled when I was a kid. It really, deeply effected me. I can still remember it and there are certain memories that I can recall very vividly. I can still feel them and it still gives me that tightness in the chest feeling and my eyes spill over with tears. I'm 27. My mom hasn't yelled at me like that in a VERY long time, but it still hurts when I remember it.

I'm not perfect, and I have raised my voice. It's usually to halt her when something is unsafe (like what @eapple mentioned). I don't think yelling is effective discipline either especially when used all the time. I'm NOT saying that my situation is the same anyone else's or that your children will end up like me. I told my story to demonstrate why I refuse to be a yelling parent. My DH doesn't yell either. Ever. He grew up with a mom similar to mine.

I do agree that there are certainly worse things than yelling at your child.

AnonMom

I try so hard not to yell. I do. I try the quiet approach and the logical approaches first. I try to analyze the situation with the kid. I try to be very even toned and calm. I imagine it being scary for him. And then I'm at the third, fourth, fifth, tenth time of reiterating the same damn thing. Then the yelling comes out. And of course, like @curious said, what goes around comes around. He has started to yell back. And talk back. And smirk. And calling himself stupid. I'm at my wits end right now. I've gone the gamut with this kid.

Sammie

@anonmom, I totally understand. I really do. I wasn't trying to sound like I was wagging my finger. Truly. I just wanted to share why for me yelling is a big NO.

Like I said, I've raised my voice on a few occasions.

AnonMom

@Sammie -- I didn't take offense at all to what any of you have said about yelling or not! Didn't even cross my mind. I just wanted to also add my "other" feeling on the situation! I do what I do and y'all do what you do. It's all good. I'm a good parent that would lay my life down for my kids. I know that and that's all that matters.

Sammie

Ok @anonmom :) I was just wanting to clarify. Sometimes when someone has a dissenting opinion or experience it can be misconstrued as offensive. Just covering my bases :D

AnonMom

I'm pretty laid back. It's cool!
;-)

Anonymous

@AnonMom I do try the logical..hey we are going to do this approach for the first 5-10 times, but after that, when they don't listen because obviously I don't really want them to clean, I get frustrrated and tired of being the only one doing anything. My kids are old enough to know better, they just think I enjoy picking up their nasty mess's.

momofeveryone

i yell. then i clinch my teeth and yell. that one gets thier asses moving! i dont have to do either often but 3 year olds are killing me right now. can we be out of this age already!?

AnonUser23

I come from a family of yellers so to some people it seems like all we do is yell at each other but in reality that's just how we talk. My dh was mortified the first few times at family get togethers lol Yelling all of the time at kids just doesn't work. I pull out the big yells for when my kids are doing something dangerous. I don't do it often but when I do everything comes to a stop and they listen.

There is this one Mom at my kids school who is constantly yelling and scolding her kids. I see her twice a day, mon-fri and she is forever yelling. Doesn't she realize it's not working?? lol

SouthernButterfly

Yup. I yelled at my DS all the time when he was a toddler, it was the ONLY time he would listen. He was a difficult toddler/pre schooler. I don't think there is anything at all wrong with yelling to get your point across. Somtimes it's just absolutely necessary.

Anonymous

I yell and I'm ok with that. But if I'm yelling there's a reason and that reason is that the kids aren't listening, aren't taking my words seriously, and think they can just ignore it. Raising my voice and going into "drill sergeant" mode changes their minds pretty quickly.

irishlass

I HATE yelling. My dad yelled, and like @sammie, my stomach tightens when i think of how he used to shout. It was absolutely terrifying! I have been yelling more recently which i hate!!! I have never shouted in my kids face or anything! A recent example; I was cooking (cheese sauce, which you have to stir constantly!) and B was trying to reach something (that wasnt his) on a high shelf of a set of heavy wooden shelves. We are in a strange house and he doesnt know what is and isnt safe. He steped on the bottom shelf and started to reach. I said 'Babe, dont climb up there its dangerous, I will get you the toy when I am done with this cooking' he continued to climb. I said 'Benjamin, dont climb there, its dangerous. he put his little chubby knee onto the next shelf and things started to wobble, i shouted 'BENJAMIN, DONT!' and he got down, cried and i felt like a horrible mum lol

When I shout, without fail, every time, Benji cries! I do it so rarely, and usually in dangerous situations. I have spoken harshly to him without raising my voice, which i almost think is scarier, like when we went to a new town recently and we were walking along the beach. I had the buggy with me so it was really awkward. we were just getting off the beach onto the front where it was super crowded and there were loads of shops and bars and people everywhere. I got my shoes on, then b's and i lifted the buggy up the hill, B's dad lifted him up and said 'go to your mum' benji did a cheeky grin at me and literally just bolted, i shouted 'STOP, STOP, STOP' like 20 times while i was running after him like a madwoman and he was laughing like crazy, hes so freakin fast!! eventually I caught him and I was pretty angry. i didnt shout because he obviously didnt understand the danger, but I wanted to really impress upon him that he CANNOT run away in a place we dont know. That involves a change of tone, and I guess you could say it classifies as yelling, but i wasnt. I kindof wanted to scare him into not doing it again. Is that bad?? I made him scared of cars on the road and its brilliant, we have zero problems around roads and i trust him to walk a bit ahead of me when we go to the shop.

AnonMom

We do the "take important" things away bit. He doesn't care. He's an only child the majority of the time, so he's good and making a game out of dirt. I can't even just send him to his damn bed because he'll play hide n-go seek with himself or build a fort and play something -- ON HIS BED. He just lost his gaming systems for a week. His response was, "So." Yup, we take things away.

AnonUser37

I yell. I spank. I take toys away, or make him throw them away so that he understands they are never coming back. I also send to the corner. Depends on the situation.
This isn't black and white, but for me, being scared isn't a bad thing.....I'm not your friend, I'm not sweet and mild mannered, and if you don't behave, I'm gonna yell. He's aware of this, and usually he behaves accordingly. I remember being afraid of getting in trouble because I knew yelling and then punishment would follow....and ya know what? I usually behaved because I was afraid of the consequences, both yelling and punishment. I don't mind my son being afraid I'm going to Ye.

[Deleted User]

@meghann, again im agreeing with you. Though with ds, it has rarely been necessary to raise my voice. With dd, oh for the love of god, could someone make that child acknowledge that she's being spoken to?! She hears me, she just doesn't care. She is just so cute and sweet and BAD!! She's turning my hair grey faster than i can color it!! Spoken to, She will literally look at you and smile. Yelled at, she *might* care, might.

Anonymous

Oh man. I didn't yell but I did raise my voice a tad yesterday. DS5 was just talking, talking, talking and talking some more. I just needed some quiet. We had been in the car all damned day running errands. Every time a decent song would come on the radio he'd need to ask a question about something trivial or talk just to talk. I dealt with it all day long, it was 6pm and I had enough. So I just said, "Hey! Can you please just shush it for at least ten minutes straight. I need some quiet. We don't always have to talk!" I feel so horrible about it. He doesn't go to school yet and I spend all day "listening" to him. I'm tired! I can't wait until his independent stage.

momofeveryone

@Meghann exactly! im not your friend, im your mom. my job is to get you to age 18 with as little damage as possible. i was the good kid in my family, and i know what you mean about not wanting to get yelled at b/c you know what came next.

@irishlass @sammie my MILs dad was an abusive alchoholic, and she does not do yelling ever. about a month ago my DS was playing on the stairs at her house ( a BIG no no) and she broke her no yelling rule b/c her fear for him falling was greater then her issues with yelling.

do you guys think it depends on the kid to some extent too? i was always told once to not do something and would hardly do it again, my sister was a holy terror and would do things over and over, and the baby sister was a toss up. my mom just lectured me, but had to scream at my sister.

[Deleted User]

@momofeveryone, yes. My kids are night and day. They act like they have completely different parents.

AnonUser37

@momofeveryone I do think it depends. I was an awful, terror from hell (not much changes ;) ) and so is my son. Bless his little heart but that boy is Fearless, he will try anything, dangerous or not. And my heart cannot take it. No you cannot parachute off the top bunk with a pillow case what. The. FUCK!?!
He's stubborn and wilful and independent. No matter how many times I tell him the right way, he is convinced his way will work, which often results in yelling.
And He comes from a family of yellers....I yell, my dad, mom, sister, so he is none too quiet himself lol sometimes yelling is just to be heard over the kid, cat, tv, stupid noise making toy, and his own voice. People are often horrified at the way we interact when they first meet my family.....yes, we yell. But we love each other, I swear. Heck, we even like each other most days.

fatchickonabike

I NEVER YELL.

What? Why is everyone looking at me like that?

forkinthehead

I yelled from time to time. I swear there were days my kids were all full of stupid. They couldn't always help themselves...they were kids. The yelling would occur when I had reached the end of my rope. It happens. It's nothing to be ashamed of...unless you are screaming insults at your kid. That's something to be ashamed of. Though sometimes to yell is to get their undivided attention. Mine are 29 & 26 the aren't basket cases because I yelled. We three survived their childhood just fine.

fatchickonabike

Seriously, though, I yell when I've asked nicely three times and it hasn't gotten through. If you don't like being yelled at, learn to listen the first time. Problem solved.

AnonUser23

@Meghann I wrote the same thing lol Our family yells but that's the way we talk to each other. My dh (from Alabama) was horrified the first few times at family get togethers! Maybe its a Masshole thing? lol

CanadianMama

@fatchickonabike that's EXACTLY what my mom used to say to us!!!

We were always a yelling house, it's the only way to really be heard! There are four of us kids, plus my parents, and everyone needs to talk at exactly the same time, also it was the only way to get us to do anything! Totally get why my mom yelled.

fatchickonabike

@CanadianMama, although I completely agree with what some of the other ladies have said, which is that yelling is one thing but yelling insults is another. I could see how the latter would be traumatic.

CanadianMama

@fatchickonabike Yeah, my parents would never yell insults, they would yell at us to clean up our rooms, or unload the dishwasher, after we had been asked a bunch of times!

AnonUser37

@handtowellady maybe!! It was my ex from the Midwest who was the most horrified! Poor guy lol

Sammie

My family is loud too!! It surprises new people. I have a naturally loud voice that tends to carry and so do my mom and siblings. It's pretty hilarious when we are all together. Nate was very taken aback when he first started coming around. I was like 'Why are you so shy around my family?' and he was like 'I'm not shy! You guys just can't HEAR me!' Lol

i_am_a_thunderbird

My family is loud and we yell at each other, but I find, in my house, it doesn't work.

Once I start yelling, my DS3 just stops listening to me. I had to change my parenting style because I found the yelling just simply wasn't working anymore. He'd basically just yell back at me and I learned I was teaching him it's okay to yell at people, including DH and I.

My stepkids mother constantly yells and nags them and they don't even listen to her. It goes in one ear and out the other. Proof that constantly yelling at them just doesn't work and will only get worse as they get older.