PTSD and Panic attacks yay me FYI may get graphic sorry
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    I am 19 years old yet I feel about 40.....I have been through more then any 19 year old has..... You see I have a pretty f$%*ed up life so lets start at the beginning. I grew up in a home where my father beat me and my sis with a belt threw us down stairs and brutally assaulted our mother weekly and on top of that he repeated raped me and even got his son( my half brother) in on the act... This went on til I was about 4. My mom left my father and married a drunk who again beat me on a normal basis and would often sneak in my room to "talk"....this didn't stop til he quit drinking when I was 15...at 10 and 12 I was raped while at my cousins house. And because of all this bullshit I've been through I have horrible PTSD I have insomnia,paranoia anger issues trust issues and sexual issues (I feel as though the only way I can make my SO love me is by sleeping with him even though he really does love me) I know you probably think I'm crazy but I just want some normalcy in my life I want friends I can talk to about my issues and for the love of God I want to be a normal 19year old mother.... I'm so sorry this was so long I just needed to get it all out I was hoping this would make me stop blaming myself but I guess it's going to take alot more for that to happen :(
  • WickedDunkieJunkieWickedDunkieJunkie
    Posts: 8,649Member
    >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
    One hug for every year of suck... & one for a future of no suck.
    WDJ_Avatar_zps4536679b
    We Are The Music Makers... And We Are The Dreamers Of Dreams...

  • BeerWenchBeerWench
    Posts: 2,819Member
    @tiredsahmomma I'm so sorry for all your pain. I hope you are safe now and in a loving relationship.

    Are you in counseling?

    Stay safe and love your baby :)
    (((hugs)))
    :¦:-•:*'""*:•.-:¦:-•** She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten**•-:¦:-•:*'""*:• -:¦:-
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    Thank you that just made me cry again damn tear ducts!!
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    I am in the most amazing relationship but I know if I could fix my messed up mind it could be even better and no I'm not in counceling I'm a wuss when it comes to talking to someone in person therapists make me feel so judged
  • BeerWenchBeerWench
    Posts: 2,819Member
    You won't find judgement here. I'm sure more will post tomorrow.

    You are amazingly strong and I admire your perseverance. .
    :¦:-•:*'""*:•.-:¦:-•** She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten**•-:¦:-•:*'""*:• -:¦:-
  • CrashCrash
    Posts: 10,571Member
    The right therapist won't judge you. Hell, based on your history, NO therapist should judge you. But a therapist is like a SO. Don't take the first one you find. Find one you mesh with, and you can feel you can talk to freely.

    You've had a hard row to hoe, hon. But I hope you can find some friends on here. There are plenty of ladies who are willing to lend a listening ear, and sympathy.

    Do it for your child, or children. They deserve to have a happy, comfortable mom. And most of all, you deserve it.
    Why be a king when you can be a God?
  • WickedDunkieJunkieWickedDunkieJunkie
    Posts: 8,649Member
    Being a young mom is hard enough without having all of that layered on top.
    Have you heard the expression, "A happy mom makes a happy home"?
    Its true...
    Its great that you have a good guy in your life now. Someone who can be there to support you, while you get the help you need to deal with the past.

    WDJ_Avatar_zps4536679b
    We Are The Music Makers... And We Are The Dreamers Of Dreams...

  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    Curious said:

    Do it for your child, or children. They deserve to have a happy, comfortable mom. And most of all, you deserve it.



    I tell myself this a lot but it definitely hits closer to home hearing it from other people... I need to face my fears and talk to someone but I'm nervous about the possibility of having to relive everything multiple times to find the right therapist I don't know if I can handle it. :(
  • WickedDunkieJunkieWickedDunkieJunkie
    Posts: 8,649Member
    Reliving things that hurt is HARD... but you come out stronger on the other side.
    My therapist told me to think of all of the bad things as a "Rain of Pain" & when I got through it, I was washed clean of all the negativity of the past.
    Obviously, its still there, but I deal with it much easier having faced it head on.
    WDJ_Avatar_zps4536679b
    We Are The Music Makers... And We Are The Dreamers Of Dreams...

  • NinLee
    Posts: 729Member
    Sending you loads of love and hugs  >:D<
  • BeerWenchBeerWench
    Posts: 2,819Member
    (((hugs)))
    :¦:-•:*'""*:•.-:¦:-•** She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten**•-:¦:-•:*'""*:• -:¦:-
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    You guys...... I don't even know what to say I never thought in a million years I would get support like this..... You are all awesome thank you guys for letting me finally get it out
  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    Hugs!!!
    That must have been so hard! I can't even imagine. We are here for you!
  • GlitterQueen GlitterQueen
    Posts: 2,491Member
    Check out the borderline personality disorder thread, sounds like you have symptoms of it. Other ladies there have issues that sound similar. We can all try to help you. I understand feeling like you have to have sex with your SO for them to love you. I have been there and still struggle with it.
  • NoMoreMonkeysNoMoreMonkeys
    Posts: 533Member
    I work with therapists and they will be the first to say ” find someone you are with”. They know that they aren't right for everyone, but someone is right for you. Its so hard to get over the demons that live in our heads. We can get over a person or a thing from the past. But those thoughts are still there. Keep swimming hun. You won't get any judgment from me...just an ear and a shoulder.
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    @GlitterQueen that definitely fits I'm just afraid that people will judge me because of all my labels. @NoMoreMonkeys I really do just need to repeat "just keep swimming " in my head maybe it will help. And @itgetsbetter. Thank you so much I do feel a lot better getting it out there its hard keeping it all bottled up
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    @notjustmom that's how I felt after reading the other thread!
  • NoMoreMonkeysNoMoreMonkeys
    Posts: 533Member
    ”keep swimming” gets me through the day most of the time.
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    Oh my god yes I know exactly how you feel! I make myself just want to crawl in bed and not get out. @NoMoreMonkeys it's always the simple things that make life a little easier isn't it
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    @notjustmom I think we may be related somehow you sound just.. like... Me. Its kinda scarey
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    I am the friend that helps everyone else.... Yet I am never able to get myself to ask for help not much sense there right.
  • GlitterQueen GlitterQueen
    Posts: 2,491Member
    @TiredSAHMomma we won't lable you. :) I was posting exercises that might help for the other ladies. We will just give you support and love when you need it.
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    @notjustmom EXACTLY! why do we do that???? And as for friends I have none in the real world because of it
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    Wow I would have punched her it's a big deal to let anybody in and for her to say that is bullshit! I'm sorry she was such a meanie but hey now you know someone understands!!
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    Maybe it upset her because she's not dealing with her stuff very well. And I know right anonymosity rules!!
  • AnonUser37
    Posts: 1,741Member
    I'm late to the thread, and I just wanted to say welcome! And give you a great big hug :) you've had an incredibly hard road, but to have come out as such a self aware young woman who loves her child, and is determined to create a happy and loving home for her....that itself is so much to be proud of.

    I hope you take @curious advice on the therapist, it took me several tries to find the right fit, but she is amazing and I cannot say enough how much she has helped me.

  • AnonUser37
    Posts: 1,741Member
    WWait...I just realized you don't say your babies gender....so he or she! total blonde moment over here! 8-}
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    @Meghann I have a son lol And I am going to go to a therapist this week hopefully I have enough balls to talk to someone in person about this without having a panic attack 
  • MysonMason
    Posts: 100Member
    I just want to say thank you for posting. although I didnt have a bad childhood I do feel like bpd fits me. I spent all afternoon finding a therapist and crying. I wish I could have known sooner. I could have saved myself alot of sorrow and relationships. Good luck. And keep us posted.
  • BeerWenchBeerWench
    Posts: 2,819Member
    (((hugs)))
    :¦:-•:*'""*:•.-:¦:-•** She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten**•-:¦:-•:*'""*:• -:¦:-
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    @MysonMason (((big hug))) I understand and thank you for the luck!! I definitely need it!! @ lauriebizz you are so sweet thank you so much hugs are something I could use right now
  • anonymommy
    Posts: 1,652Member
    (((big hugs))). I've been there. It usually helps me to repeat to myself "you're safe now, he can't hurt you anymore."
  • BeerWenchBeerWench
    Posts: 2,819Member
    @tiredsahmmamma your welcome. Sometimes I'm afraid I don't have the right words to say.
    :¦:-•:*'""*:•.-:¦:-•** She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten**•-:¦:-•:*'""*:• -:¦:-
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    @lauriebizz a hug is worth a thousand words sometimes
  • notperfectnotperfect
    Posts: 1,246Member

    Thanks ladies, today was tough and my anxiety was really acting up, you have reminded me to not be so hard on myself and that I am not alone.


    (((hugs)))

    >:D<
  • Mother2one
    Posts: 25Member
    ((((((HUGS))))). I know what its like to have anxiety and it absolutely SUCKS!!!!

    Stay strong even though it may be hard sometimes.
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    Soo this mamma is having some issues finding a psychologist...... The 5 I have called can't see me til end of march and I just can't do that... Now I have an OB GYN appointment on the 15th do you think that a refferal from them would speed up the process??
  • Mother2one
    Posts: 25Member
    It doesnt hurt to ask Tell ur dr how u have been feeling and that u really need someone to talk to and want to see someone before the end of March Maybe they know someone that can fit u in.
  • BeerWenchBeerWench
    Posts: 2,819Member

    @TriedSAHMamma Your OB might be able to perscribe you something in the interim and get you in sooner.  I got mine from my GP. 


    (((hugs)))

    :¦:-•:*'""*:•.-:¦:-•** She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten**•-:¦:-•:*'""*:• -:¦:-
  • SouthernButterflySouthernButterfly
    Posts: 337Member
    @TiredSAHMamma YOU Are a warrior! You are STRONG! To go through that and be who you are, you are amazing. You will find no judgement here, but tons of support. I was molested a child and it's SO hard to get through, and work through those feelings. Try and find a therapist you are comfortable talking to, any person who makes you feel judged is not the right one.
    >:D<
    image
  • silken
    Posts: 205Member

    Well, I am seeing a therapist and psychiatrist.  The doctor prescribes meds and we talk a bit. But the majority of talking is done with the therapist. The therapist says I have PTSD due to the stress of the shitty job I stayed in for many years.  I have also suffered with panic attacks and they are a bitch.  I just wanted to scream. 

     I hope you find a therapist or somebody to talk to--you have been thru so much in your life.  I can not believe your friend told you that people had gone through worse. I wish I just give you a big hug.

  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    Update! I have an appointment tomorrow at 2pm with. A therapist....... I am so nervous to the point where I can't eat ^#(^
  • BeerWenchBeerWench
    Posts: 2,819Member
    :¦:-•:*'""*:•.-:¦:-•** She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten**•-:¦:-•:*'""*:• -:¦:-
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    Update time!! Saw the therapist today and he says I definitely need anti anxiety meds ADD meds and insomnia he says that my depression will most likely go away once I take care of the anxiety insomnia and ADD. It was really awesome to be able to talk to someone face to face and not feel like a crazy person! Also he did find out for me that my primary care physician can prescribe me the meds I need which is awesome considering my appointment with my primary is March 7th so I will be getting relief very soon! Woot Woot!
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    Going good so far I have my doctor appointment on the 6th and it's like my body knows that relief is coming soon!
  • TheHeadacheslayer
    Posts: 2,472Member
    Oh dear heart ((((Hugs))))))

    If you can, please get help. Talking won't make everything ok, but it may help slowly heal wounds and help you work on ways to cope with the PTSD. There are free groups available online, on the phone and in many areas.

    It doesn't seem fair that when we need help we have to work so hard to get it, especially for you at such a young age. But you are a survivor. You can do this, for yourself and your child.

    And know that there are lots of us here who care. Sending love your way sweetie. xoxo
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    Thank you so much I'm on anti depressents and some anxiety meds now and I am talking to a thrrapist once a week.... Don't know how long it will be til I can talk about all this with him but hey one step at a time right?