separation?
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    The last 6-8 weeks or so, I've felt my husband disconnect from me.  No sex.  He started sleeping on the couch.  Finds reasons to be gone.  But still tried to act like things were okay.  When I'd ask him about why he was sleeping on the couch, he'd say it was because he wanted to watch TV.  Or one of a few other reasons.  

    This past week we've had 2 pretty big arguments, both started by me, demanding answers.  During the first argument (Wednesday), he said he's gone all the time now because its the only way to keep from arguing with me.  (And I frequently get mad at him for being gone all the time.  Cycle, much?)  We talked about other things too, but that was the thing most relevant. 

    The next day (Thursday) he came and had lunch with me out of the blue.  It felt like we were starting on that fresh foot that we need to do every now and then.  He went out that night too for a few hours, but he took our son with him and said the purpose was so I could get my homework done.  I didn't argue.  I did need the time to get homework done.  

    Yesterday he got home from work about 9:30 PM.  He came in and played with our son for about 10 minutes, then told me he had to go out for a bit.  He said he'd been invited out by his bosses and felt like he need to at least make an appearance, but that he'd only stay 30 minutes or so.

    Around 1 AM I called him.  He was waiting his turn to sing a karaoke song.  (Hearing this only made things worse because it made me very resentful of being stuck at home with the sleeping toddler while he goes out and has fun.)  I wasn't going to say anything, but he kept asking what was wrong and I eventually snapped and started yelling about how fucked up it is that he's gone all the time, doesn't invite me to go, leaves me stuck at home with the sleeping kid, etc etc etc.  I purged all my thoughts, which probably wasn't a good thing.

    He came home and I told him everything I was thinking.  That I thought he cared about me but wasn't in love with me, so on and so forth.  He was being evasive when I would ask him directly what he wanted.  I told him he had to tell me, that he couldn't keep stringing me along if he'd already decided he was done with the relationship.  He said he didn't know what he wanted, that he still loved me, but that maybe we should separate for awhile.

    I bawled.  And bawled and bawled and bawled.  I told him not to make any hasty decisions and to take a few days to make sure that's what he wants.  I also, odd as it seems, asked him if he would hold me when we went to bed.  Just pretend everything is okay and hold me.  And he did.  I haven't felt so connected to him in months.  I'm the kind of person that needs that physical connection, and I haven't had it in a long long time.  We held each other all night long.

    Today I've run the numbers to see if we can afford to live separately.  I've looked at apartments in the area to see what they cost.  I don't want him to go, but I don't want him to stay just because I guilted him into staying.  But I really don't want him to go.

    And that's how I feel just when I think about what *I* want.  When I think about my child wondering where daddy is at night and trying to explain it to him, I kinda wanna throw up a little bit.  He's only 2.  He won't understand.

    Tuesday is my birthday.  I have a feeling if he does decide to leave, he'll wait until after then to have the conversation with me.  After all, he didn't want to have it with my last night, but I forced him to articulate what was going on in his head.


    Maybe separation helps.  I think that its pretty risky when you ultimately know you want your marriage to work.  Seems to me its best when both parties don't know what they want.  And I also feel like the problems we're going through right now could be so easily fixed with a little bit of intimacy and reconnecting.

    I hate this.  This sucks.  I don't know what to do from here.  I guess I'm just going to play like everything's okay until he tells me otherwise..
  • thejoker
    Posts: 91Member
    I don't have any advice because I haven't been through that, but I can offer you a hug! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't even imagine how hard it would be. >:D<
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 8,345Administrator, Moderator
    Oh my gosh honey. First off, pretend I'm hugging you right now. Seriously. I'm not kidding. I can literally FEEL your pain and heartbreak through your words. I couldn't help but get all teary because I know you feel so alone and I know you feel like your heart has been ripped out, but you're NOT alone. This could be any one of us at any time and so so so many women have been right where you're at. So above all, remember you're not alone and you're going to be okay. No matter what, you WILL be okay. You will smile, laugh and feel whole again. You've got a little one who loves you unconditionally and that will never ever change.

    Next, I would suggest reaching out to someone. I know it will be so hard, but you must tell SOMEONE. You will feel so relieved, I promise. Mom, sister, aunt, cousin, trusted friend. You pick, just open up.

    Also, you can't pretend things are okay. They aren't. You have both admitted that. It will only drag out your pain and mixed emotions if you try to exist in limbo. That doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed or that you even have to separate, but what it does mean is that you both have to be TOTALLY honest. Ask those really hard questions. The tough ones. The ones nobody ever wants to ask, but you can't make progress if there is something either of you is hiding. Ask how long he's been feeling this way and WHY, ask what steps he'd like to take to make things work, ask where he is going when he is staying out so late, and ask if he has seen anyone else. I don't know the answers here and I'm not accusing, but as a fellow woman I know what goes through our heads in these situations. He could lie, but I think he realizes the stakes are high here.

    Last, but NOT least, seek professional counsel immediately. If he's unwillingly, ask him to just give it a chance. A couple sessions to see if you can make progress and start working through the issues at play. If he's willing to hold off on separation, it may be a good idea to see the therapist and hear their insight first. Also it's a good idea to see a therapist for YOU as well. You've got a lot going on and you deserve to be heard and validated. It will help immensely, I swear! Even if your DH refuses, you go!

    This isn't necessairly the end of the road, friend. All relationships have issues. High points, low points and everything in between. It will take hard work, patience and dedication from both sides, but you can make it. If for some reason this is the end, well it is not the end for you! It will hurt like hell, but eventually you'll be ok. Your future is bright and your life is full of blessings and you and your little boy will be just fine.

    Please, if you need someone to talk to, PM me. Anytime. I'm not kidding. I haven't gone through this with a child, so it is quite different, but I've had a long term relationship play out much the same as this. Eerily similar. I understand your feelings. I hope you are able to talk to Jon again and get the ball rolling on making things better for both of you.

    >:D< >:D<

    community-manager


  • Wow. That was intense just reading. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I don't think that I have any good advice, just reading this makes me think I'd be in the same spot as you are. You are right for wanting answers. You should also know though, that you deserve to be treated with affection and intimacy. If he cannot and does not want to give that to you, you need to find it in someone who does. Your child will be fine. It's not easy, but children handle divorce I think better than adults, given the adults give them the support they need. Your happiness matters. It really does. Remember that.

  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    I don't suspect he's cheating.  I really do think he just feels brow beaten and done.  Or almost done.  Or maybe done.  I asked him to take a few days to think about it hoping he'll decide he's not really done, that he hasn't given up.  But I don't know how to act around him during these next few days.  Constantly trying to talk about it doesn't seem like it would help.  In fact, if part of the reason he feels brow beaten and done is because he feels like I harp on him all the time, it would just be further evidence that his belief is true.  So all I can think to do is to act like things are okay.  I can still acknowledge that they aren't, but I don't know what else to do.  We've already had the talk.  We'll do it again in a few days.  But the days in between... what then?
  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,917Member

    @lawschoolmommy if you were one of my sisters or my bff, id tell you to just keep breathing for the next few days. thats all you can do right now. on monday call your health insurance provider and see what they cover. call around a few dr.s and see which ones take your insurance and what the copay will be. (id look into a man so dh wont feel 'ganged up' on) also do some soul searching of your own. journal a little bit about how you talk to eachother. when he says this what is your reaction and why, when you ask him this are you asking or ordering? doing some pre-lim like this will make it easier when you sit down with him next week and when you go talk to a pro.

    hugs!!! it will all work out in the end the way its suppose to.

    i want a nap. and some chocolate. who's with me?!
  • CinnaCinna
    Posts: 1,841Member
    I don't really have advice but I just want to say I truly admire your strength. That same strength lets me know you will be able to make it no matter the outcome. Hugs.
    Two hearts! Oh baby I'm beating out a samba!
  • OnmylastnerveOnmylastnerve
    Posts: 1,648Member
    I'm so sorry!! I've been there and I don't know what to say.
    >:D< I think the other ladies are right try some therapy together and seperate.
    not my chair, not my problem
  • Peace
    Posts: 3,230Member
    Lawschoolmommy, I'm sorry. Your pain & confusion is so palpable here..

    I agree with @Sammie , although I would give him some time.
    Especially after him saying that's part of the problem. Maybe you can both think
    it over a bit, and have a calm, productive talk. Where both feel heard.

    Sending all good thoughts..take care of yourself..
    >:D<
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 8,345Administrator, Moderator
    Being stuck in that limbo phase is the worst feeling ever. I'm so sorry. If he needs space for a little while, that's fine, but you shouldn't have to play the waiting game for long. It's too painful and it isn't productive for either of you. I think you have done everything right thus far. Without launching into a big discussion, you could suggest therapy and save your questions/concerns until the appointment.

    community-manager


  • PaperDoll
    Posts: 5Member


    Reading your post makes my heart ache for you. I have been
    there. It was about a year ago that I went through almost the exact same thing.
    I know what you are going through.  I
    know the pain and the confusion and I know the waiting is brutal.  My advice to you for the next few days is to try
    to make yourself busy. Take DS for a walk or go to the park or whatever gets
    you out of the house for a little bit and try to take some time for yourself to
    clear your head. Give DH a little space so he can think too.  You don’t have to pretend like everything is
    fine. No matter what the outcome is you will get through this. I promise!!
    Please let me know if you need anything. I’m pretty new here but these women
    seem to be an amazing support group. I wish I had known about this site when I was
    in your shoes.



  • The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • BeerWenchBeerWench
    Posts: 2,819Member
    (((hugs)))
    :¦:-•:*'""*:•.-:¦:-•** She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten**•-:¦:-•:*'""*:• -:¦:-
  • ann_winsann_wins
    Posts: 132Member
    I agree with @MammaTeeRoll & how the problems, being uncomfortable with each other could be a need to connect, discussing the wants, needs, upsets. We often avoid the important life stuff and spend hours discussing details of a simple problem before we're ready to talk about the things that could make a r/x more secure.
    Dr. Phil says, "you need to earn your way out of a r/x. That you've explored all possibities before calling it quits" Dr. Phil has a great book "Relationship Rescue" I highly recommend book. It helps to heal individually & as a couple.

    Venting is the best thing to do - so I applaud you. Best of luck.
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    Well, he did it.  I was wrong about him waiting until after my birthday.  I'm totally blindsided by it.  He went to a friend's house for the Super Bowl, came home, packed his bags and left.  He said he had to leave tonight because he knew he was "bothering" me by being here and he couldn't stand to see the look on my face anymore.

    Yes, I have had a depressed and defeated look on my face today.  Shocker.  Turns out I suck at pretending everything is okay.  We went to breakfast this morning and then did some errands.  He kept holding my hand.  I wouldn't pull it away, but at the same time I wouldn't grab on either.  All I could think was that he was leaving me.  I felt vulnerable.

    He said he loved me as he walked out the door.  Our son was already asleep and has no idea he's gone.  I told one of my friends and she said "maybe this is the way its supposed to be", which is not helpful to hear right now.  I need "I'm sorry, this sucks".  People don't have to give me false hope that things will work out if they don't feel like they will.  But I really don't need people committing to the fact that's its really over so fast.

    @MamaTeeRoll, I'm sure he is intimidated by me going to school.  We've been together almost 10 years.  We started dating right after I graduated high school.  I went off to college and he got a job.  Now I'm in law school, and he's barely completed a semester of school.  He's flat out told me he feels like a failure because he didn't go get a degree.  

    I just can't believe he did it this way.  I know he was trying to connect today and I wasn't jumping in like he expected me to.  I had planned on having a talk with him when he got home from the Super Bowl.  I thought if we talked and I knew for a fact that his intention was to stay and work on things, then I could open up and let myself be vulnerable.  I knew it bugged him that I was closed off and distant.  But instead, he left.  I don't know who he talked to while he was gone or what he or they said, but when he got home he was determined to leave.  Didn't even try to have a discussion.

    I'd called him to see when he'd be home because I was about to put our son down to sleep.  If he was going to be home soon, I was going to let our son stay up.  He didn't answer, but called me back later and said he was about 10 minutes away.  Then he said "I've been talking to some people trying to find a place to stay."  I was stunned and probably just sat in silence for a couple of minutes before asking "So that's what you decided you want to do?"  And that's when he told me he couldn't stand to see the look on my face and he knew he was bothering me because when he tried to hold my hand I didn't really take it.

    You know, I get it.  I get that trying to take a step like holding my hand and being affectionate and NOT having me respond warmly hurts.  I get that it probably feels like rejection.  And I get that seeing me miserable all day doesn't help.  And I wish that I could have been warm and receptive.  But I couldn't.  Like I said, apparently I suck at pretending nothing is wrong.  But the reason I was miserable and couldn't open myself up to his efforts is because of this.  Because of this very thing.  Because I felt like I had to protect myself in case he left.  So maybe I created the thing I feared.  At least tonight.  But whatever.  He didn't even try to talk to me about it.

    The only thing for me to decide right at this very moment is whether to stay in our room tonight or to go snuggle with our son.  If I'm going to be crying, I should probably stay in our room so I don't wake him up and upset him.  When I cry, he cries.  

    I hope he comes around.  And if he doesn't, then I hope I can get closure.  Because right now I feel anything but that.
  • Peace
    Posts: 3,230Member
    Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. This does suck.

    He's been acting so erratic recently, no wonder you're blindsided.
    Of course you're not going to grab his hand & act like everything is perfect.
    Who could when there are all these questions in your mind?

    I get that he wants space right now.
    But he's the one handling this terribly. Not you.

    I hope you were able to get some sleep.
    I'm sorry that it's on you how to handle your son's questions in the morning.

    Big hugs, friend. Lots of them...
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    I can't say anything that these amazing women haven't already said. I just wanted to add another hug and another loving thought. It will be ok.  >:D<

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • NeedMoreCoffee
    Posts: 103Member
    >:D<
  • mommydeliriousmommydelirious
    Posts: 4,415Member
    these things can be ridiculously hard,
    and I can't even say much cause I just have no words to make this go away but
    Just try to stay strong for your son, and we're here if you need to vent.
    Let us know how your doing, k?
    And don't give up hope yet.
    Ill be praying for you.

    Photobucket
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    I'm taking a sick day today.  I haven't slept, I feel nauseous, and I don't want to cry in class.  I just took some peptobismol to try to take the edge off the nausea so I can hopefully get some sleep.

    I just don't get it.  How could he do this to me?  To us?
  • Peace
    Posts: 3,230Member
    I'm glad you took the day off, I'm sorry this is making you physically ill on top of everything else.

    No wonder you're in disbelief at this. I'm not sure if he even knows what he's doing.
    I know it's easy for me to say, but try not to go there too much. You'll drive yourself crazy
    trying to figure out what's in his head. I think you have to wait until he sorts through this & can give you the answers you want & deserve.

    I want you to breathe.
    Here's what we do know for sure.
    You're in a tough place right now. But you will get through it.
    You will be ok. Your son will be ok.
    No matter what happens.
    You will get your answers. You will have peace of mind again.
    Everybody here is ok & safe.
    This pain will go away.

    Today you will be kind to yourself & your son, ok?
    You won't panic & jump ahead to what if's.
    We will let this unfold.

    This is one part of your life.
    We will focus on the parts you can control.
    Breathe.
    I promise you that you will be ok.

    Hugs, sister...big hugs....

  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,125Member
    Omg I'm so sorry... I can imagine how bad ur hurting right now... I think he's being very selfish. U have the right to have answers. This is all b/c u argue so much? The logical thing to do would be to work on what is causing the arguments, not just walk away from the relationship. If he wants to stay in the marriage separation is the last thing u guys need imo. Its just going to create even more emotional distance between u, which is the opposite of what u want to do right now. Instead of pushing u away and avoiding talking about it he should be trying to spend more time together and talking about what's bothering him. If he has a problem with u, how are u supposed to fix it if he just pulls away from u and doesn't talk to u about it? Why does he feel brow beaten? If his issue is u nagging him, I'm sure if he would just do what u asked u wouldn't have to nag him. If he has a problem with what ur asking him to do he should say something. U guys should def start marriage counseling, and its absolutely imperative that u sit down and talk about this. He has to completely open up and be totally honest about what's going on with him. I just don't understand why he wants to separate over something that seems like it could be resolved with a little compromise if he would just try. I don't get how someone could give up on their marriage and be done just like that. I really hope that's not the case. If it were me I would be begging him to come home but I really don't know what u should do at this point. If u push urself on him and try to make him talk about it he could feel like ur nagging him, but if u just leave him be nothing is going to get worked out and maybe he is wanting u to chase after him. I hope he decides to come home.
    ~slim shady~
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    I really appreciate everyone's support here.  Right now I'm sitting back and biting my tongue.  Apparently my dad tries to call him this morning because I got a text message from him asking why my dad was calling him.  I didn't respond.  He really admires my dad and my dad is an excellent role model when it comes to parenting and marriage.  I really wish he WOULD talk to him.  I'm playing hooky from school today and I came to my parents' house to not be alone.  My dad said that, while he's pissed at my husband for doing this, he thinks maybe he doesn't know how to handle things.  My husband is very social and very much needs people's approval.  He just got a new, better job, but my dad pointed out instead of people congratulating him on his job and being interested in it, they ignore it and instead ask how I am doing in law school.  Plus my dad knows his dad and his dad's history.  His dad has 6 ex-wives and my husband has siblings he's never met.  So, yeah.  Right now my plan is to lay low and let him make the first move.  Hopefully he'll call my dad back and let him talk to him.  I think my dad could say the exact same things I could say, but my husband would take them completely differently coming from someone he admires than coming from someone he wants to get away from.
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 8,345Administrator, Moderator
    I'm glad you have such a loving, supportive family. It sounds like they care about your DH too and that will help immensely. It does zero good for people to just bash him when you're feeling like this. Your parents sound amazing.

    >:D<

    community-manager


  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,917Member
    ...but if you would like to bash, we will be happy to help :). hugs!!!!! im thinking about you!
    i want a nap. and some chocolate. who's with me?!
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 8,345Administrator, Moderator
    @momofeveryone, of course we will help!! :) I was just referring to her post above about her friend. 

    community-manager


  • BeerWenchBeerWench
    Posts: 2,819Member
    (((hugs)))
    :¦:-•:*'""*:•.-:¦:-•** She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten**•-:¦:-•:*'""*:• -:¦:-
  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,917Member

    @Sammie, oh i know lol. the way we can get on eachother sometimes? could you imagin the furry of all of us unleashed on one guy?

    @Lawschoolmommy couldit be a midlife crisis?

    i want a nap. and some chocolate. who's with me?!
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    @momofeveryone, after talking to him last night I think it is more of a personal crisis than anything specifically dealing with our relationship.  He's struggled with bouts of depression over the years and this seems to be related to that.  He said he had to leave because he felt like he was going to explode and that he's trying to get his head on straight
  • @lawschoolmommy, my thoughts are with you! Hugs!
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    So here's a little bit of an update.  He's still not home, but he comes over every day to see our son.  He said he's not going to get an apartment or anything that commits him to being gone.  He says he loves me and hates not being home, but yet he's still gone.

    I went to a counselor yesterday by myself.  The counselor theorized based on what he's said about why he left ("going to explode"); what he says about still loving me and wanting to be home; and what I was able to tell him about his past, that my husband left to protect us.  From himself.  That he didn't want to explode and hurt those he loves, so he left.  He said that when you get in crisis mode, your rational thought shuts off and you start to see things as very black and white.  So in this case, either I stay and hurt my family, or I leave and protect them.

    The counselor said if my husband is willing that he would recommend we do some sessions as a couple as well as sessions individually.  He said in the individual sessions we could hash things out without worrying about hurting the other person's feelings, then approach the topic in couple's sessions once it has been hashed out and you know the best way to go about approaching the issue.  I told my husband about it last night and he said he'd think about it.  I expected a "no way, not going to go to counseling" response, so I'm happy he at least said he'd think about it.
  • CanadianMamaCanadianMama
    Posts: 10,374Administrator, Moderator
    Oh gosh hunnie, I don't know how I missed this thread!!! Big big ((((((((Hugs))))))) This must be incredibly stressful for you!!! I think you're handling it incredibly well, and I really admire your strength and grace throughout this whole thing. 

    I think counselling is a great idea for him, and for you as a couple, and I love that you're seeing one yourself. I'm also very happy to hear you have a support system, I know if it were me I would need it!

    I am so sorry you're going through this, it really does suck. I have hope that this will all work out for the better!!! 
    >:D<

    community-manager


  • PigeonPigeon
    Posts: 681Guest
    I can't add anything to this thread that hasn't already been said, but I just wanted to let you know that another person is thinking of you sending you hugs

  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    So I just wrote my husband an email that I have no intention of sending to him because I don't think it'll help matters.  He's agreed to meet with the counselor by himself and possibly do couple's sessions after that, so I think its best for me to save anything negative I have to say for that controlled environment.  But because I need to vent and get it out of my system, I'm putting the letter here:

    I wish I knew why you left.  I wish I knew why you can't stand the thought of being around me.  I wish I knew what I did.  I wish I knew how to make it better.  I wish I knew what to do.

    I wish you were better.  I wish things were okay.  I wish we could talk.  I wish we could hash out our problems like normal married couples do.

    I wish you could see the pain your causing me.  I wish I had the time to break down and just feel it.  I wish you had tried harder.  I wish you would try harder.  I wish you were trying harder.

    I wish you'd try at all.


    I can't stand the uncertainty of not knowing what's to come.  Are you staying?  Are you leaving?  Are you coming home?  Are we going to be happy?  Are you going to leave me?  Are we ever going to be okay again?

    As strong as I'm trying to be to support you while you're going through this funk, part of me is angry that I have to be the strong one.  That I have to be the one supporting you.  That I have to be the one who is cautious of hurting your feelings.  Of setting you off.  Of ruining things.  Of ruining our chances.

    You can tell me you can't be around me without wanting to explode, and I'm not allowed to let you know how much you've hurt me.  I'm not allowed to tell you how awful you are being.  I'm not allowed to tell you how incredibly selfish and immature you are being.  No.  You left me, and I'm still picking up YOUR pieces.  I don't even know where mine have fallen yet.  Or have they fallen?  Did they break?  Are they going to break?  Because I don't know.  My fate is in your hands and you are being so careless with it.  I think.  But I don't really know.  You won't talk to me.  You don't talk to me.  You want nothing to do with me.

    Except to tell me that you love me.  And you look at my picture every night.  And that you think we're going to be okay.  And that you hate not being home.

    So where does that leave me?  Am I loved or am I hated?  I'm just being strung along.  Waiting for you to tell me my fate.  And I can't even tell you how awful you are being.

    DH, you are being awful.  You are being incredibly selfish.  You are being extremely hurtful.  I hope you are not being manipulative, but I fear that you might be.

    Why so distant?  Why so secretive?  Why so hateful?  Why, why, why, why, why?

    But I'll sit here and bite my lip.  I'll sleep alone again tonight.  And when DS(2yrs) asks where Daddy is, I'll try to play it up like it's no big deal that you aren't here.



    Thank you for punishing me so severely for my mistakes after I have forgiven you time and time again for yours.
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    While I do think I deserve to have my feelings heard, I don't think sending the email would be the most productive way to go about it.  He's clearly already extremely fragile right now, and considering my goal is to reconcile and get him home, I don't think going off on him is going to help with that.

    One of the goals of doing both separate and couples therapy with the same therapist is to be able to talk about the raw emotions with the therapist and then find a more healthy and productive way to talk about it in couple's counseling.
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    oh yeah, sorry.  i've done a lot of updates in the comments so if you only read the original post, there's a lot not in it.
  • AnonholeMomAnonholeMom
    Posts: 406Member
    Just jumping in to say I was there 3 years ago, only my DH was kicked out because he needed to get his head back on after cheating with a co-work.  But I know exactly what you are going through.

    I didn't read your email because honestly--it's just too painful for me and will drag me down a bad path tonight.  Can't go there.  But I know what it's like to pace the empty house at 2 am, snot running down my face, trying to be really quiet so my 3 year old daughter didn't wake up.

    After her bedtime, I would go to the basement and just sob and rage and let everything out that I had to hold in all day.  I didn't eat--couldn't eat!--I was GRIEVING.  My best advice would be 1. DRINK FLUIDS.  Broth, tea, ice water, protein shakes (if you can stomach it) anything to keep you running.  2. STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL.  May seem like a good release, but it's only going to fuck you up and make you grab the phone and dump on him.  The best thing to shut down is grab a Tylenol PM and get your butt in bed.

    We were separated but still saw each other every day because we wanted to work it all out, and because my daughter needed to see her Daddy.  Every night at bedtime, he was there to tuck her in.  (Unless it was a epically bad day and we couldn't be around each other.)  I explained to her that he had done something wrong, and needed to stay at Grandma's and think about it for awhile.  It seemed the most honest thing to say, and she got it.

    A few times I was crying in the middle of the night and felt her little body climb into bed with me and hug my back.  Ugh, this makes me feel like shit!  What 3 year old has to go comfort mommy at midnight?!?!  (Sorry.  Tangent.)

    On the worst nights I had friends come and stay with.  OH YES I DID!  They would bring hilarious movies, tell their husbands to deal with their kids for one damn night, and we hung out with my daughter in the family room as one huge sleepover.  Anything to get through those long nights alone, you know?  As a result, my daughter (she's now 6) still goes up to my friends and likes to hang out with them as her own friends!

    But we made it through, my DH is back home, we have baby #2, and we're stronger and happier than before.  You're in an incredibly shitty place, so if you ever want to PM me--I'm here.

    And reach out for help from your friends and family!  This isn't just something one shrugs off as, "Meh.  If it's over it's over."  This is your life, your husband, your family, your EVERYTHING.  Friends need to understand that and support you however they can.  BIG, BIG HUGS TO YOU.
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    Thank you, @AnonholeMom.  I have hope that things will work out.  I would love to talk with you, but I'm not sure I know how to PM someone.  I'll see if I can figure it out.
  • StarsStars
    Posts: 1,145Member
    @lawschoolmommy You’re right that email is not the most productive way to get someone you want back. Yes you are entitled to every feeling you have written in that email but sending it now, so not a good idea. IMO. I debated on whether I wanted to reply to this because while I totally understand what you are feeling and what’s happening to you right now, I have a different prespective on the situation and I don’t want to come across as a hard ass bitch. So I will say this first. I by no means mean this in a nasty snarky way I mean it in a woman to woman giving you the benefit of my experience to consider kind of way. That being said, Right now I’m not going to go into all the details of the day my husband left me but I will be happy to if you want the details later. I read your email to your husband and you do a lot of pointing the finger and yes I know you are angry and hurting but if you want any chance of getting him back you’re gonna have to lay off the you did this to us line of thinking. Did he initiate the start of this, yes but I assure you it takes two and you’re going to have to open your heart and mind to the fact we all make mistakes and be willing to hear what he thinks your mistakes are.
    I know we all see we need to know why. I remember I wanted to know why and once he found a reason for the reason he left it gave me no closure it only tore my heart out even more and I carried his words with me for years. In fact I just recently realized I carried his words with me till very recently. Till I took a look at what I’ve been doing with my life and what direction my life is going and then compared my life to his current situation and finally noticed he’s back in 2001 RIGHT WHERE HE LEFT ME. And my life has changed and is SO much better than I could have imagined for myself and his words were not true. So my opinion it doesn’t matter what his reasons are their his reasons let him choke on them.  My best advice continue going to your counseling sessions, love that beautiful boy and work on you and what YOU want. If he comes back and YOU still want him back GREAT. If not, sweep his pieces up and throw them out. Build your life the way you want it . We all deserve that much.
    apsycho

  • ChickChick
    Posts: 49Member
    I'm so sorry... I can feel the hurt in your words and the desperation you feel to be happy again.  ((hugs))  You are right, this isn't fair. 

    Your email certainly makes it sounds like he is trying to have his cake and eat it too - act like good hubby and daddy but leave you on tenterhooks while he holds the cards.  That sucks, and it's not the way you treat people you love.  Everyone gets confused and struggles with their life's path from time to time, but it's unkind of him to take his sweet time while you are struggling and hurting.

    I don't understand what it is about guys who, for whatever self-esteem/ego related reasons, decide that their life suddenly isn't satisfying enough after they already have people counting on them.  I know plenty of women who feel stressed, dissatisfied, or like they haven't achieved their potential at this stage in their lives, but very few of them decide to run off and become fucking ballerinas or something!  Hello, this is real life!

    Sorry to sound bitter - it must be National Asshat Husband Month.  ;)  Sooner or later, you'll be ok, no matter what the outcome.  I like this saying, myself: Everything will work out in the end.  If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end.

    Peace and strength to you.
  • silken
    Posts: 205Member

    Only thing I can suggest is that you please keep on with the counseling--regardless of whether he goes with you. Please do it for yourself.  It won't fix everything, but you will have a place to go and share your feelings.  I hope you also continue to share your feelings here.

    My now exhusband left me while I was on a business trip several years ago.  I left on a Wednesday, came back on a Friday and he had packed up all his shit.  I cried for five days. But my point is that I survived, but I know it hurts like hell. 

    If dh is depressed, he is going to have to deal with that--I have suffered depression for years on and off. There are meds he can take that will help, but it will be up to him to make that choice.  I did because I got tired of being depressed.

    All I can say is take it one day at a time or one hour or even one minute at a time.

  • ann_winsann_wins
    Posts: 132Member
    @lawschoolmommy I love all the advice you are getting from others so many different perspectives.
    @Starszzz brought up good points about focusing on yourself. You have given away your power and the control of the relationship to DH. I get it .he has taken control.
    One thing that bothers me - by his behavior he's saying I don't trust you with my feelings. At the same time I understand depression and what @Goddess said about protecting others. I recommend writing another email with some of the same questions but this time write what you want and your feelings about the relationship - how you have either helped or hurt the relationship.
    You should remain in counseling. Both of you going at some point will be great. Meanwhile, you'll figure out what you want and how to make realtionships work
    Hugs to you - proud of you - continue to update and vent as needed - its healthy and strong.
    (something went wrong with this input - some of it was repeated I couldn't erase it)

  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    So... I was just in the kitchen with my son and my husband walked into the house.  Didn't knock, just used his key and walked in like nothing is wrong.  I literally froze in my tracks not knowing what was going on or what to say.  Turns out he was coming over to get some tools to finish a project he started for my mom's neighbor.  (I didn't say anything, but my parents know everything that is going on so there's a possibility the neighbor knows too.  But I'm pretty sure he knows that.)  He's supposed to take our son for awhile tonight so I can try to get some school work done.  (Yeah right.  Like I'll be able to focus.)  

    I didn't know how to act when he walked in, so I turned around and started doing dishes.  When he left he was still cheerful like nothing is wrong.  He said "Give me a hug!"  And I held up my dish soaked hands and said "Are you sure you want one?"  His response was "Of course I want one.  I'm not mad at you, you know."  All I could say is "No.  No, I don't know."

    What the fucking fuck?  I...  I can't even...  I mean... What the fucking fuck?!
  • crazymama2twocrazymama2two
    Posts: 841Member
    Ohmyfuck this just happened?!?? Oh gawdgielbi was in tears and now I'm all pissy. In sorry he's allowed himself to e so selfish. I know me and I'd only be able to get they this by being mad. This won't help you I'm sure. You are amazon. And I send you a lot of love.
  • ann_winsann_wins
    Posts: 132Member
    @lawschoolmommy OMG! I'd be so mad. Cheerful. It's like what there's to be cheerful about? I get why you reacted the way you did. He caught you off guard. Maybe a little email might be in order to get some of your questions answered.Sorry its happening. Yea, right study- I get it. It will be hard to concentrate on anything. Maybe he'll give some clues to ease your pain
  • Wait, don't be mad at him because he was cheerful. What if he'd had an epiphany about how to make things right between you? What if he'd had a break-through in therapy? Why be mad at him because he was cheerful? You don't know the reason behind it. I realize you are hurting, but being MORE angry isn't helping anyone or anything. Keep your chin up, know you are doing all you can and keep your heart and mind open positive thoughts.  >:D<
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    I'm not angry, I'm confused.  I hope he is cheerful because he had an epiphany or something.  (Though he hasn't started counseling yet.  He only decided he'd give it a shot yesterday, so he has to call Monday to make an appointment.)
  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    I just set his ringtone on my phone to "Gives You Hell".  Yes, I have the maturity of a scorned 7th grade girl.



    (I don't really hope anything gives him hell.  I just need a ringtone that will set me up to not cry when he calls.)
  • @lawschoolmommy, I do that shit too, LOL!
  • StarsStars
    Posts: 1,145Member

    LOL I do silly stuff like this too.  My answertone for my ex is Since you've been gone by Kelly Clarkson.  I don't know if he gets the meaning behind it but I sure do.  Also his ringer is Crazy Train ...also fitting, HAHA


    Smile anyway you can get it. :)

    apsycho

  • lawschoolmommylawschoolmommy
    Posts: 241Member
    haha glad i'm not the only one