I'm going to sound like a Bitch but I swear I'm not...
  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    Ok this is weird. I really don't know what to think of this or how to say it without sounding like a complete bitch....but its been rattling around in my head for a month and I can't really talk about it irl because, well I would sound like a bitch.

    My exhusband is engaged. I'm SOOO happy for him. My dd seems to like her a lot and I'm glad for that. Despite living two blocks away from each other and them being together over a year, I have never met the girl. Ex has met my bf several times. Well I have never even seen this girl.

    When dd6 first told me about "daddys gf" I acted excited, asked questions like does she have kids (no), how old is she (a year older than me, 32), do you like her (yes), what does she look like....my dd said something I have never heard her say before about anyone. She said "mom she is not pretty but don't tell daddy I said that". I said ok and just glossed over it. I didn't know if she was saying that bc she thought I would be jealous or something? So I just ignored it.

    A few months later I talk to two separate couples who know my ex and I. They both bring up the girl and have I met her..no I say. They both awkwardly bring up the girl saying she is a lot different than me. I say oh in what way? (Separate couples separate occasions) one said "well...she is very manly. Just, well, a lot different than you..." The other couple said "that girl is not cute and hasn't aged well". I assume they are saying these things to make me feel ok about him getting married but it really isn't necessary.

    Fast forward to a month ago. I do not even know this girls last name so would never be able to identify this mystery girl. Well I have dd's brownie order cookie form and low and behold there is the girls last name ( she had taken the form to daddy's). So I do what any normal girl would do and look her up on.fb.

    Omg. Girl is manly. And very unfortunate looking. Now I know why I have not met her...I can't help but think ex is hiding her from me. It is just so weird to me and I know this sounds bitchy but I just don't know what to think of it. I am very feminine, have very long dark hair, am 5'3 and fit, a "milf" by most men's standards and this girl is the complete opposite.

    I really don't get it....is he attracted to her? Is he a little bit gay? He was always more feminine than most men but wanted to have sex all the time and always told me how beautiful I was. I don't get it. I'm seriously not trying to be a bitch about this girl and just want ex to be happy but ...Wtf? I'm confused.
  • Omg I love you for posting this.....you made my day....I don't have a lot to add but, thank you for this, this is what Scary Mommy is about.
  • atlantamommy
    Posts: 212Member
    is she just "manly" looking,   or do you actually think she could be transgender or something?

    you shouldn't feel bad at all!
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    LOL. I understand why you've come to these conclusions... Maybe he's settling? Or maybe he sees something that not a lot of people see. A lot of people have different definitions of what pretty is. You're not a bitch you're just puzzled. I've seen pictures of my husband's ex's and I don't see what he saw. Meh. I don't think she's a man. If she is wow... we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    I had the same thing happen with XH's wife directly after our divorce. He told me over the phone that he was dating someone, I was appropriately appreciative ('That's GREAT! Is she nice? Where's she from? etc...) and then he hems and haws around for several minutes...and says "Well...she's not much to look at, I went for personality this time over looks."  Uhhhhh ooookaaay.

    LMFAO

    I never did think she was completely unfortunate-looking, but he AND my current husband seemed to liken her to someone who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every limb on the way down. (Their words, not mine.) Which always made me wonder, if you don't look at her and see someone you love, why marry her? I know love isn't always completely blind, but still.... Don't talk about her like that.

    Could it be that he's in a sort of a 'no one else will have me' thing?

    community-manager


  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    Lol! Thanks for not thinking I'm a bitch @unforgiven @atlantamommy @shitdoesstink (extra lol at you! ;)
    No I don't think she is a REAL man. But I guess she COULD be. I think she is "manly looking".

    Haha "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it"! Lol
  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    @love so wait...HE said his WIFE is ugly???
  • monstamomonstamo
    Posts: 486Member
    I hope you aren't my fiancee's ex! I get insecure because she is a pretty little thing, and I'm kind of well....normal!
  • AnonMomAnonMom
    Posts: 2,410Member

    :))

    That is all.
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    @Loveit 
    HE said:
     "She's not much to look at." and later, "She's not pretty, but she's sweet."
    and some more I can't remember right now.

    Current DH wasn't married to her and wasn't as nice...

    community-manager


  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    @love I wonder if a guy doesn't think a girl is pretty is he still attracted to her? Like how does he want to bang her?
  • CrashCrash
    Posts: 10,571Member
    I'm not much to look at, and I've always gotten action. 
    Why be a king when you can be a God?
  • AnonMomAnonMom
    Posts: 2,410Member
    Shouldn't it make us feel good as a woman to know that there are men out there that can look past the cover?  Isn't that what we really want??  She may not be a looker, but god damn she's good in bed/makes him laugh/does his laundry right/has deep conversations/is rational/is intelligent/can cook/love him unconditionally/isn't as emotional/likes sports/can drink like a man/looks great in pink/etc.
    And that's not to say that any of you that have an ex didn't do your best, but maybe he needed something different. Obviously if you are now considered an ex.  Just a thought to ponder.
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    loveit said:

    @love I wonder if a guy doesn't think a girl is pretty is he still attracted to her? Like how does he want to bang her?



    Well that's kind of what I was getting at. Remember Shallow Hal? "I saw a knockout, I don't CARE what the rest of the world sees!" 
    Curious said:

    I'm not much to look at, and I've always gotten action. 



    Pffft Shut up. You're adorable!

    community-manager


  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    @AnonMom that would hold more weight with me, if he hadn't been a jackass about it. **I** may not think she's pretty, but he doesn't need to be TELLING me she's not pretty. I find that to be disrespectful to HER. What kind of man talks about his woman like that?

    ETA: my X is an X because I threw him out. He DID need something different than me. I just saw that fact before he was ready to admit it.

    community-manager


  • CrashCrash
    Posts: 10,571Member
    Yes well....I think the most I've gotten for a looks compliment was: You clean up well. And the classic for plain girls, "*I* think you're cute..."

    Lol.
    Why be a king when you can be a God?
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,718Confessional Manager
    Love said:

    @AnonMom that would hold more weight with me, if he hadn't been a jackass about it. **I** may not think she's pretty, but he doesn't need to be TELLING me she's not pretty. I find that to be disrespectful to HER. What kind of man talks about his woman like that?



    A buttfaced miscreant man.

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    Yes that is what I'm saying...does HE think she's hot? Bc if he does more power to him! I have been with guys where my friends thought the guy was fug but I was attracted to him. I get that. I just don't get THIS.
  • AnonMomAnonMom
    Posts: 2,410Member
    Yes, it's disrespectful to her.  I agree entirely!  I also think it means that he holds a special place for you whether he wants to admit it or not.

    @Love
  • mommydeliriousmommydelirious
    Posts: 4,415Member
    @loveit @love
    Shit! My unc said almost the same thing about his new gf that he left his wife for. TO HER. And she is also more mannish...My aunt said he always loved short hair...What is WITH these guys?
    Photobucket
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    loveit said:

    Yes that is what I'm saying...does HE think she's hot? Bc if he does more power to him! I have been with guys where my friends thought the guy was fug but I was attracted to him. I get that. I just don't get THIS.



    Been there! He's hot to ME, and I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks.

    I wonder if that's what up with your ex? Maybe since you are sooooo pretty (does/did that = high maintenance?) he went the other way, hoping things will turn out differently this time?

    community-manager


  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    AnonMom said:

    Yes, it's disrespectful to her.  I agree entirely!  I also think it means that he holds a special place for you whether he wants to admit it or not.

    @Love



    Meh, he's on his third wife now. He's still looking for whatever it is he needs. I hope it works out with #3, it'd be nice if he could settle down into some stability... (#3 Looks like a 6 foot Barbie, btw.)

    community-manager


  • AnonMomAnonMom
    Posts: 2,410Member
    @Love
    =)) =)) =))

    Some men are NEVER satisfied.  The Peter Pan syndrome!
  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    Huh. It's just so weird bc HE was always not so nice about some ppl (he would say "she looks like she got beat with an ugly stick" like pp said) and it would piss me off bc they were my friends or it was just plain mean. And now he is with one of the girls he would talk about in the past.
    I have three theories:
    1. He has changed, he truely does love her and is attrackted to her.
    2. He really does have some man/sexual issues
    3. He is very lonely and is settling (that man cannot be alone)

    I REALLY hope its reason #1
  • AnonMomAnonMom
    Posts: 2,410Member
    I'll hope for #1 too @loveit!
  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    @lizzwizzy LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!
  • AnonMomAnonMom
    Posts: 2,410Member

    =)) =)) =))

    NICE @lizzwizzy!!
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 6,590Member
    Part of growing up is learning to forgive your parents for being human.
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator
    Eric says "Baby, if you *ever* cheat on me, PLEASE--cheat up. Not down. That's just embarrassing."

    LOL

    community-manager


  • wickedmommywickedmommy
    Posts: 99Member
    LMFAO @lizzwizzy.

    I know I'm a bitch cuz I would only be happy if the ex was dating/marrying a fugly woman.
  • wickedmommywickedmommy
    Posts: 99Member
    @love that's what I have told DH too. If you're going to cheat you need to go up not down.
  • When my ex boyfriends in high school would start dating girls that were less attractive than I considered myself I would feel like it was a slap in my face. I would get insulted. I eventually figured out it was because looks aren't as important as personality when it comes to good solid relationships, and I didn't have the right personality. For whatever reason, that seemed more crushing to me than if they had gone after hotter girls.
    When I started dating my husband and saw his ex for the first time she was gorgeous. I was over 100 lbs larger than she was. I wondered a bit if she had fun with that. LOL Now I'm a good 40 lbs smaller than she is and she is the fat one. Life is funny that way I guess. Anyway, Maybe there is another reason you haven't met her? Many  step moms don't feel the need to mingle with the ex, or get involved with that dynamic. It makes their lives easier.
  • ProudPalsyMamma
    Posts: 1,273Member
    Love said:

    Eric says "Baby, if you *ever* cheat on me, PLEASE--cheat up. Not down. That's just embarrassing."


    LOL
    I say the same thing to my SO he just laughs lol

  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member
    @love lol! Hilarious!!
  • GingersnapGingersnap
    Posts: 9,696Member
    If my DH were to cheat, I'd guess I would want him to cheat up. It *would be* insulting if he cheated with someone less attractive with no saving graces that I knew of. I mean, if she was ugly but really serene and kind. . . I'd still fucking hate her but I could see why DH would like to not deal with my kind of crazy all the time. 

    That being said, I am not a supermodel, but I am definitely worth loving. 
    image
    “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” ― Joseph Campbell
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 14,066Administrator, Moderator

    Maybe there is another reason you haven't met her? Many  step moms don't feel the need to mingle with the ex, or get involved with that dynamic. It makes their lives easier.



    That's an excellent point @hippyhoneyhottiemom

    @Loveit ? Possible he's not *hiding* her, but just trying to keep her out of the awkwardness?

    community-manager


  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 9,474Member
    I just wish my ex would move on.. Its been 14 months hes still pining away..
    With my boyfriend he has been all over with the girls hes dated.. Some of them were omg shes the man to pretty lil blonde things that giggle after they talk.. The one thing though is all his friends have told me hes always had the hots for the 20yr old he was fucking in high school.. Thats always been his par or dream... I am the 20 yr old he was fucking in high school... :D
    let them eat cake! because id rather have pie!!!
  • Yep it's a rule of thumb "if you're going to cheat, make it worth it"


  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,738Member

    Yep it's a rule of thumb "if you're going to cheat, make it worth it"





    Hahahaaa!!

  • crazymama2twocrazymama2two
    Posts: 841Member
    BUAHAHAHAHA - my exhusband is currently with a not-aged-well woman who has a MISSING FRONT TOOTH...im all like WTF dude, really??!! and he used to say i was fat when i was a size 12...asshat...so this post made me LOL...who cares if you sound like a bitch anyways...i LOVE IT!!
  • AnonUser23
    Posts: 2,270Guest
    @loveit You are too funny and I absolutely love how honest you are about the situation. The only thing I can think of is maybe she gives a mean BJ? lol ;) My ex-husband left me because he wanted to "explore his sexuality" (with men). I found out (through FB of course!) that he recently got married...to a woman. He was obviously very confused. I have to admit, she isn't very attractive and yes, she is a little manly. I will also admit it makes me kind of happy. :)
  • AnonUser24
    Posts: 2,594Guest
    It does suck to get cheated on with a nasty ugly bitch. :-((
  • AnonholeMomAnonholeMom
    Posts: 406Member
    The corny saying I've heard is "They always affair down."  Seems to be true.  I think cheating situations are all about the girl flattering the guy's low self-esteem to the point that he's pretty blind to what she actually looks like.

    In every ex situation, I've always wondered how the hell he could go from me to THAT.  Geesh.  Probably means I have an inflated ego...  :D
  • BeerWenchBeerWench
    Posts: 2,819Member
    My DH's ex-wife is a knock out!  Me... not so much.  My DH loves me.
    :¦:-•:*'""*:•.-:¦:-•** She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten**•-:¦:-•:*'""*:• -:¦:-
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,125Member
    I would prefer if he cheated with an ugly bitch lol if she was prettier than me that would suck. Well either way would suck
    ~slim shady~
  • My DH's ex-wife is a knock out!  Me... not so much.  My DH loves me.



    My husband admits that with his ex he it was superficial attraction for him. Nothing in common. He didn't like her, but she looked good.  He said he learned, though not soon enough unfortunately, that the outside means squat if the person you are with sucks as a human. It is good he was with her then, because maybe if he had not had that experience he would have looked past me and we wouldn't be where we are now. I had to learn that lesson as well.
    I worked for some time on the inner me and let the outer me go somewhat. It was way worth it. Fat me was a much better person than thin me had been, and she was better liked by guys for who she was/is. When my husband met me I was very obese. He never saw it so much because of my personality and confidence. He is amazed by photos of me when we were first together because he swears he never noticed how big I was. LOL Love is amazing when it is real and can see you for who you are on the inside. One can be devastatingly gorgeous and be ugly as a fuck at the same time.
  • SouthernButterflySouthernButterfly
    Posts: 337Member
    I have the opposite problem, all my husband's ex girlfriends before we got together were model material. I feel like he settled and bought the Subaru with me. :( I would just be happy your prettier and can be a little comforted by the fact.
    image
  • WickedDunkieJunkieWickedDunkieJunkie
    Posts: 8,649Member
    Whoa... wait a sec @SouthernButterfly ... he SETTLED for you? Have you ever seen yourself? I saw your pics in the MILF thread girl... you are freakin gorgeous... if they were model material over you... than I'd be afraid to see how pretty THEY must be... 


    WDJ_Avatar_zps4536679b
    We Are The Music Makers... And We Are The Dreamers Of Dreams...

  • WickedDunkieJunkieWickedDunkieJunkie
    Posts: 8,649Member
    The girl Dan had his emotional affair with before we got married was nasty... She was 3 times my size & I'm not gorgeous, but I'm not ugly... she was butt ugly... If he had slept with ...it... I don't know that I could have figured out why he did.

    WDJ_Avatar_zps4536679b
    We Are The Music Makers... And We Are The Dreamers Of Dreams...

  • momofeveryonemomofeveryone
    Posts: 1,917Member
    @Love it, you have made my day with this post! i dot have time to read comments but im so bookmarking this for later :)
    i want a nap. and some chocolate. who's with me?!
  • SammieSammie
    Posts: 8,345Administrator, Moderator
    Omg. You bitch. How could you?!

    community-manager