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1st marriage vs. 2nd marriage: What lessons did you learn?
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    My first marriage was really bad. But I learned a lot from it. My 2nd marriage is great.
    Difference: Talk, Talk and Talk somemore....communication is a big deal.

    What is the biggest or greatest lesson you learned in your 1st marriage that made your 2nd better...other than a different guy...lol
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    Definitely learned that communication is the key! Even if it sometimes takes a few bud light's to lighten us up. But then again, in my first marriage when we were poor, I think we had a better time just hanging out and watching movies, playing cards and putting together puzzles. Now, money usually has to be spent to have fun.? Don't you just wish you could take the good from BOTH relationships and make a GREAT one? LOL
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    2:53pm
    Agreed! Communicate, communicate, communicate!
    Men are NOT mind readers, contrary to popular woman's mythology.
    If you have a problem, talk it out before it becomes a bigger problem!
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    Friendship....my 2nd is my best friend....
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    Apparently not enough. Husband no. 1 was immature and a lazy; husband no.2 is a needy closet drinker. I now understand how Liz Taylor could go through so many men (once upon a time I thought she was crazy). What I would say that I know now from both marriages is that people are squirrley things. You really have to get to know someone the best you can and pay attention to the details before you say "I do".
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    1) Men are not able to read our minds
    2) Men are simple creatures - good food, mostly clean house, sex once in awhile will keep them terribly happy - just let them feel cared for
    3) Men are happiest when they can DO SOMETHING to help, make us happy or fulfill a need for us ie they need to feel useful( so ask for help every once in awhile even if you could do it yourself- esp hard one for miss independent me!!!)
    4) Men need appreciation as much as we do
    5) There are lots of god men out there and it helps to realize(although it is hard) that they will not neccessarily act just like your asshole ex did
    6) Men love to just cuddle too - although if it turns to something else they aren't gonna turn you down LOL
    That before I blame my SO for something I need to look at my own behaviour first - perhaps I did something or said something - I might not of but I should look there before getting angry and lashing out at him.
    Be kind. Speak kindly, Forgive easily. Love as if you never were hurt before.
    If it feels like abuse - if the behaviour/words makes you feel confused, stupid, or insecure, guilty, worthless - then it is abuse and you deserve better.
    I think I could go on with all I learnt!!
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    That I am stupid and it WASN'T just because I was young the first time. I am, as it turns out, a horribly horrible judge of character.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    @145 am -- I know check with a friend or family member to see if they like who I am dating. If they see red flags I tend to listen now - I didn't listen to them about my ex and boy they were right on about him!! So if they don't like the guy I am dating - I just move on.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    I've learned with my 2nd that the problems with the 1st were NOT all his fault. That I tend to be obsessive about stuff and need to chill out. For some reason in my 1st marriage I felt this pressure to be perfect. Perfect house and wife. I'm not and now I'm cool with that!
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    i learned i should probably NOT be married. To anyone.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    After my divorce I first took me time. Time to heal and focus on my kids. Tehn once I felt I was ready (2 years later) I started to date. But now I knew exactly what I wanted and what I would not put up with again. I'm not saying my current husband is perfect but he's perfect for me as he fit all my expectations of what I thought I deserved and wanted in a husband.
    One thing about my first marriage is I was never truly myself. I was always afraid if he saw how unhappy I was he would leave me. But he was the reason I was unhappy. He didn't love me like a man should love his wife. I was a roommate he could fuck is what it boiled down to. I knew I deserved so much better. Not that my ex was a bad person he just shouldn't be married. He should have never had kids. He's far to selfish and too much of a loaner to be a husband or a father. Unfortunately I didn't realize this till 7 years later and 2 kids down the road. But I learned a lot in that marriage and I also learned I could take care of things on my own. I've raised two beautiful sons and I take credit for every ounce of who they are cause they are amazing bright young men. So in essence my ex was a stepping stone to a great marriage and a very happy life.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    1:39 - I loved your post. So inspiring. I've never been married. My son's father and I never tied the knot and we broke up a little over a year ago. Now I'm terrified of being in another relationship and almost certain that I'll never get married. Posts like this are so encouraging, though. Most of the time, this site makes me TERRIFIED of marriage but this post was so nice. Thank you. :)
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    Married once, divorced after 25 years. We just grew apart, he had work problems - fired, laid off, etc. I was just too busy working and being a Mom, and probably didn't give him the attention he needed. On the other hand, he was immature, lied about finances (ran up credit cards), and was terminally cranky. We should have gone to counseling, but instead he "fell in love" with a woman he worked with, and left. I was not sorry he left, and after a few rocky years, am happy and involved with a great guy - much more mature and a lot less cranky. Would I get married again? Not sure. I've lived alone for many years, and not sure I could live with someone 24-7 again.
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    7:27, that sounded almost word for word like my first marriage AND current ! I was just a trophy to XH and so were his kids, like he wanted to HAVE us, for us to BE there, but he took no part in the family unit at all. Mine was 10 years and 2 kids.
    My current husband is far from perfect, but he is perfect for ME. We enjoy the same things, we want the same things out of life, and we can TALK to each other about any and every thing. I'd still like to smother him sometimes, but those times are few and far between :)
  • Anonymous
    Posts: 29,315
    bumping. Seems relevant to a lot of the confessions.
  • mommaof4
    Posts: 73Member
    communication and to PICK MY BATTLES. The 1st marriage we fought about little stupid shit. and the only time we talked we were yelling.

    To never go to bed mad or leave mad.
  • xanaxanyonexanaxanyone
    Posts: 25Member
    First marriage I learned to hate life and myself. How to lie to my family. How to do everything by myself, child care house work ect... Second time around I learned to love myself, and how men are supposed to treat the woman they love.  I love my DH of 5 years more than ever, and he loves me just the way I am!!
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,561Member
    "What is the biggest or greatest lesson you learned in your 1st marriage
    that made your 2nd better...other than a different guy...lol"

    Ummm. I learned 3rd times a charm! I hope. lol
    deus ex machina
  • lifeisgood
    Posts: 481Member

    Husband#1- I learned all about narcissistic personality disorder and that I'm not actually out of my mind...he was.  Pete Rose details it in his autobiography and damn if that didn't make me wake the hell up.

    Husband #2...not there yet...I"m in no rush to marry again...I'm older and wiser...and as much as I enjoy time with SO and would love to wake up to his face every day..The reality of throwing children and household into it....makes my queasy.  I'm not naive enough anymore to think fairytales are real.

  • Lioness
    Posts: 19Member
    MY first marriage taught me a tremendous amount about myself, even though in total we were married only 3.5 years (I was 18 when we married and 21.5 when the divorce was final).  I learned to grow up, stop being selfish and become a responsible adult quickly; I guess that happens when you're husband leaves you pregnant and penniless, huh? 

    My second marriage has taught me that I'm worth more than being someone's second choice, and that you may love someone but they may still not be the right person for you.  I went from being selfish in my first marriage to being self-less in my second, and neither approach has gotten me where I want to be. 

    I found this quote that really spoke to me, it says: "never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option" author Unknown.


  • WillileeWillilee
    Posts: 1,007Member
    I'm on my first. DH is on his 3rd. He told me, "never marry a shitbag". Hard lesson learned for him, now he's just married to a crazy person.
  • TurthipoTurthipo
    Posts: 340Member
    First marriage for me.
    Third for DH. (Much like Willilee)

    Communicate! Poor DH had a cold rough divorces as he's truely daft and had no idea either relationship was on the rocks.

    Not saying though that we are perfect, but we are great! We talk about everything & talk through everything!
  • PurpleFlowersPurpleFlowers
    Posts: 5,647Member
    Apparently I learned nothing since I married the same asshole twice! ~X(
    Stay away from my chocolate and nobody gets hurt!

    I think I like who I am becoming...
  • LA_PygmyHerderLA_PygmyHerder
    Posts: 1,239Member
    I learned not to marry a pothead, video game addicted asshole, who's friends hate me. I married someone who makes me laugh and thinks I am wonderful just the way I am. Not someone who is waiting for me to be someone else.
  • etherieletheriel
    Posts: 715Member

    I learned not to marry a narcissistic selfish compulsive liar with a god complex.

    I am now engaged to a much different and much better man.

    If I'm not supposed to do it, how come I can?
  • WickedDunkieJunkieWickedDunkieJunkie
    Posts: 5,859Member
    Marry someone who knows all my crazy... Yet accepts me as I am anyway.

    Someone who isn't perfect, but will admit his flaws, & actually do something about it, if something he does hurts someone else.
    (Especially if he ever physically hurt someone)

    Not be with someone who puts his failed dreams & drinking ahead of everything else.
    Be with someone stable, who has obtainable & like-minded goals.


    WDJ_Avatar_zps4536679b
    We Are The Music Makers... And We Are The Dreamers Of Dreams...

  • MorganD
    Posts: 3,451Member
    I was WAY TOO YOUNG and had no frickin' idea what I was getting into. I'm hoping with my SO, it'll be different. We communicate and take care of each other, I just hope it sticks when/if we're married.
  • ApalmerxoApalmerxo
    Posts: 42Member

    I feel like the minority here because although I married a man who is wonderful in so many ways, so many relevant ways who knows how to be a good provider, a great parent, and provide us with the stability my xh never could we lack in communication and friendship like I had in my first marriage! 

    I agree that friendship is VERY important and so is communication.  It is the only thing I miss about my 1st marriage. I would never want to be without my dh ever but it can be so hard at times because we just cant talk and it is so frustrating.  My xh was also very immature and I chose a man 100% opposite of him.  I dont think that is the answer though because their was a reason I married xh in the first place ya know? I don't know I also wish we could combine all the great in both relationships! How great would that be? I wouldnt trade dh for the world though he really is good to us and much less selfish than my xh

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