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Am I too patient and understanding?
  • Tattooed_SMTattooed_SM
    Posts: 132Member
    Whew, where do I begin? I guess we will start at the beginning. My DB and I have been together for 2 years now. In the beginning, I had left my DH for him (long story short). DB gave me hell about hurrying up to file and complete our divorce which we mutually did in a period of about 2 months. DB was married at the time but had been separated from his wife (who used to be a friend of mine in high school) for about 3 years (she is living with a new man and knows about me so its not an affair or anything, just a fucked up situation). So my relationship with DB hit the ground running and within a few months we start living together (along with our combined 3DD). Well a year and a half later (making them separated for about 4 years or so), he still hadn't filed for divorce from his DW (I hope I am getting all of this abbreviations right here). Me, being supportive and understanding as I am, never really said much to the fact that he hadn't filed yet. They had attempted to file on 2 occasions but it never happened for one reason or another. Finally, after about a year, they asked me to draw up the paperwork for them (I'm a paralegal so it was no issue whatsoever) to file on their own. I draw it up and there are months of DW constantly wanting to find something she doesn't like about the papers. Well about 2 months ago, they finally agree on things and he files the papers a month ago, telling me that he is sorry that it has taken so long and that he knows it had to have been hurtful. So in order for the judge to sign the papers, they both have to complete this parenting seminar within 30 days. The place where you take the seminar only offers it once a month. Well needless to say, they both didn't even sign up or take the seminar. After pestering him about it, he finally calls and finds out the date for the seminar in April (which is next week) and gets the paperwork to register for it. As far as I know, he still hasn't turned in the paperwork yet. DW is a POS person and mother (and I don't normally like to say bad things about a woman's parenting skills, but trust me, its accurate) so she, of course, hasn't done anything yet to take this class either. I told him that he needs to remind her of it because she is a POS and wont do it unless she is forced and the papers will just sit on the judge's desk until they both take it. He said he reminded her and all she said was "ok". I don't believe one bit that they never went through with this divorce because they still love each other or want to be with each other. He hates her and I know he loves me and wants to be with me. However, we have been living together for a year and a half or so now and it is time for OUR relationship to move to the next level. Plus, needless to say, it is hurtful and offensive that he is still married, especially after he was so pushy for me to complete mine. Its pretty embarrassing to explain to people that I live with a technically married man. I know it can't be completed without her doing her part as well but he hasn't even done his part yet. 
    At this point, IDK what to do. Should I continue to be patient and have faith in him? Should I give him some kind of ultimatum? I know I should wait until this class next week and see if he actually goes before I get upset but what if he doesn't go this time. I am just tired of waiting for him to do what he should have done 4 years ago. I feel like, if he wants to be with me, this should have been done 2 years ago. Am I too patient and understanding? What should I do? 
  • lovinmom
    Posts: 694Member
    I still need to take my parenting class for mine to be final. I want mine to be final but it is a hard step to take for me for some reason. I think he has had a lot of time to get it done. Why push you so hard if he's not doing the same? I would wait to see if he takes the class and go from there. Have you talked to him about how fast he pushed you but seems to be waiting for something to happen with his?
  • Tattooed_SMTattooed_SM
    Posts: 132Member
    Girl, yes! To which he always responds just like a man with, "I didn't push you!" or something of that nature. Over the past 2 years, I have just made little comments about it like, "When are you going to file?". About 2 months ago is when I broke down and finally told him how hurtful it was that he hadn't filed yet and how it made me feel like maybe he really doesn't want to fully commit to me. That is when he finally went and filed the papers. I wish I would have found this site like 3 months ago. It would have been great to hear opinions as to what I should have done before he filed.
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,509
    Ultimatum: do it or I'm out. That should do the trick! And welcome!!!!!!
    Get me a damn beer.
  • Tattooed_SMTattooed_SM
    Posts: 132Member
    I think that if he doesn't take that class next week, that ultimatum will follow. The bad thing is I am suspecting that he wants to propose when we go to Disney in June. I would hope he would have the sense not to if he hasnt gotten divorced by then!

    And thanks for the welcome! I stumbled upon this site on Pinterest and got hooked in by reading all of the threads and how supportive everyone on here is.
  • Tattooed_SMTattooed_SM
    Posts: 132Member
    I don't really want to force him into doing it with an ultimatum. I feel like if he really wanted to be with me, then he would get this done (though he should have 2seen years ago when this relationship started I suppose). Idk, I dont want to feel down the road that the only reason it ever got done would be because I made him do it. I am afraid it will cause future resentment towards him. But there is also becoming current resentment towards him bc he hasn't done it. Stupid men.. lol
  • Tattooed_SMTattooed_SM
    Posts: 132Member
    Take out that "2seen". My not-so-smart smart phone randomly adds in words whenever it wants.
  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,751Member

    Definitely unltimatum.  Guys are lazy and don't realize what's going on until you hit them on the head with it. 

    You need to put your foot down and say:  

    "You have had four years.  I'm giving you two more months.  If your divorce is not final by then, I will be moving out on date x.  So if you want to be with me drag your wife to that parenting class and take care of it.  This is embarrassing I'm not going to be a part of it anymore."

    And tell him BEFORE the parenting class....that way he will actually go.

  • Tattooed_SMTattooed_SM
    Posts: 132Member
    I completely agree with guys being lazy. That's the main reason I think this hasn't been done yet. Lordy, what if he doesn't do it after the ultimatum? I don't really want to leave him. Aside from this issue, our relationship is amazing. Though I do know that I should respect myself and he should be respectful of me as well. I almost feel like the "other woman" in an adulterous relationship (even though that isn't the case)!
  • loveitloveit
    Posts: 1,751Member

    If he doesn't do it after the ultimatum?  Well you don't HAVE to follow through but you need him to THINK you will.  Thats probably the only way to get him to do it.

    And if he doesn't do it?  You will have to reasess at that time whether or not he is for you.  If he can't do this for you, he is basically saying, I love you but I not enough to do xyz.  If that's not good enough for you then leave.

    I think however, that if you let him know you are serious and not putting up with his shit anymore he will do it.  That's the nature of men.  He might not do it until you start packing up your stuff, but he will. 

     

     

  • Tattooed_SMTattooed_SM
    Posts: 132Member
    Lord, I have a lot of shit... He better do it! I hate packing! lol
  • Tattooed_SMTattooed_SM
    Posts: 132Member
    Update: well the signed Order came in the mail today even though neither of them took the class! So, in 30 days (we have a 30 day waiting period here) it will be official! I will no longer be the live-in mistress!
  • Tattooed_SMTattooed_SM
    Posts: 132Member
    Another update: I guess I wasn't patient enough, lol. The ink hadn't even had time to dry yet but he proposed over the weekend. 
  • ImWendyImWendy
    Posts: 6,561Member
    GASP!!! I wasn't expecting that last update!! Congrats!!! I'm so happy for you!
    deus ex machina
  • Tattooed_SMTattooed_SM
    Posts: 132Member
    Neither was I!!! lol. I was thinking he would when we went to Disney in June. He knew though that that is what I was thinking so I think he was going for the unexpected. He said I freaked him out b/c I just stared at him for like 5minutes not saying anything. I told him I thought he was playing  a horrible joke on me. 

    Thanks! 
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