I think I hate my husbands guts.
  • miserablewife
    Posts: 20Member
    Im pretty sure i've had it w/ my husband. The past few months, the mere sight of him makes me want to throw wine bottles at his face!

    I've just had all I can take of his bs, and no matter what I say or day- nothing ever changes. 

    Here's the list:

    - Changes 2 1/2 year old daughters diaper and leaves them all over the floor. Who does he think picks them up? 

    - Gets her ready for bed at night, or gets her dressed in the morning and tosses her clothes on the floor. 

    -Doesn't put his laundry away...and has pretty much stopped washing ANY laundry at all. If I wash it and fold it, it sits in a basket in the laundry room, which he then roots through, and throws all the clean clothes all over the floor. To that end, I refuse to wash so much as a single stitch of his clothing anymore. 

    - In the 18 years we have been together, I have never once seen him use the vacuum or a mop. 

    - I have to ask repeatedly for the simplest things to be done. And after asking repeatedly, when I blow up at him, he then turns around and calls me a psycho. 

    - I am a stay at home miserable mom who barely leaves the house because it's such a disorganized mess that I spend all my time cleaning, and re-cleaning after both him and the baby. 

    - I am also 6 months pregnant...and dreading adding another child into this chaos that I have to deal with myself. 

    - If he goes out grocery shopping, he only buys things he likes. To hell with the rest of us. 

    - I'll scrub and disinfect the bathrooms, and he'll go in right behind me, toss socks or clothes on the floor, leave globs of toothpaste in the sink and won't rinse the toothpaste he spit out down the sink. 


    That's not even half the list. I'm just so upset. I have tried EVERYTHING to get through to him. I've been nice, I've talked to him about how it makes me feel calmly and rationally, i've blown up and had knock-down drag out fights..nothing works and it's gotten to the point where all I do is dream about leaving. But I can't, because I don't have a nickel to my name or anywhere to go. I'm F*cked! Help!!
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 1,519
    @miserablewife, first of all, welcome to the scarymommy community.

    Secondly, I'm so sorry you are going through this, your husband needs a good kick in the ass. Have you tried counseling? Oftentimes it is hard to hear from our SO that we are not doing things correctly, so hearing it from a 3rd party can be really helpful.

    Make a chore/to do list that you both agree on, and then each do what you are best doing. My DH will not touch a dirty dish but he loves to cook, so we divide that way.

    The dirty diapers thing is gross, but at least he will change a diaper! We had a poster on here whose DH had never changed a diaper. You could always out the dirty diapers on his pillow... ;)

    @mammateeroll gives the best advice on this stuff, so I'm tagging her in!
  • miserablewife
    Posts: 20Member
    Oh, and equally as important- 

    - When I make dinner, and ask him to set the table, he'll push whatever it is that on it to one side (usually the side I sit on!) He'll plunk down 3 dishes, get himself a cup and silverware and I guess me and my daughter have to get our own. 

    -Has nearly finished his dinner while I make sure our daughter has everything she needs and that her food is cut up. 

    - I spend my entire meal refocusing her, trying to get her to eat, not eat w/ her hands, keep her in her chair while he stuffs his face. Then when they're both done, they leave the table and I eat my cold dinner alone. 

    - When we're out at a restaurant, same thing- face down in his plate while I make sure my daughter isn't acting like an animal. 9 times out of 10, my full meal comes home in a takeout box. If I call him on it, he glares at me, tells her to stop doing whatever it is and goes back to eating. 

    aaaaargh!!!! I hate him! 
  • ecreame
    Posts: 7Member

    Couples counseling will really help you with the issues. My coulples counselor told my husband to "do the fucking dishes" because he is a SAHD and I work fulltime.

  • curtaincrawlercurtaincrawler
    Posts: 6Member

    I'd say counseling too and take the list with you.  Does he work full time?  My DH does but he's home almost all the time and he's lazy and it drives me nuts.  But also I say get out of the house!!  I do even if it's just to go lolligag around at the store even if I don't buy a thing.  Sometimes it's as simple as going to starbucks and get an iced tea.  I recently signed up for the community garden for something to do.  My house isn't all that clean and organized but you know what?  I don't care!  It isn't a pig sty and I'm not a maid.  I do what needs to be done and still manage to get in some stuff I like to do!  The stuff isn't going anywhere, you need to get out and breathe and be you.  Do whatever, anything just go do it because the more you are stuck in the house the more you're gonna get mad.  Do you have a dog? go for a walk. Don't have a dog? Go for a walk ayway! 

     

     

  • PigeonPigeon
    Posts: 681Guest
    ^^ This
  • OtakuHimeOtakuHime
    Posts: 357Member
    Sounds like he is used to his mom/wife cleaning his messes and has no intentions of changing it. Good luck.
  • miserablewife
    Posts: 20Member
    Hi Chocoholic, 

    Thanks for the welcome- and the advice. We've actually been to counseling, and it helped when it was just the two of us, but now that we're parents- it's worse than ever, and we don't have anyone to watch our daughter at night, so going to counseling isn't an option. And get this- I actually brought up the fact that we need to go and he was shocked! Really??! 

    The dirty diaper thing is disgusting and it makes me insane! He doesn't even have to toss them out, he can ball them up and let her do it. It's just laziness, and all in all, I feel completely disrespected. I ask him all the time how he would like it if I came to his office every day and completely destroyed his desk and dumped dirty diapers all over it and then left. Had it!
  • miserablewife
    Posts: 20Member
    Thanks ladies. 

    OtakuHime...His mother is the most disgusting, filthy slob I have EVER met in my life. Her places have been so filthy that I will not, under any circumstances bring my daughter over there. She raised both of her sons in utter filth- overflowing trash, black floors and toilets. She's a disgrace, so he's never HAD to clean up after himself. She's so vile that not even he has anything to do with her. Good luck to me is right! 

    I have been looking into counseling, its solely a matter of getting a steady sitter to come here once a week, or every couple weeks. We have no one at all. My parents babysit during the day, or have her for sleepovers, but they live 30 miles away and we live in the city, so we don't have them come out here at night. I feel like if I want any relief, I'll just have to take on more here, that includes getting her dressed and ready for bed every night, making sure her teeth are brushed (I actually have to TELL him to do that!) Everything with him is a "tell me what to do" situation, and i'm always like "There's plenty to DO, just frigging pick something!!" He does work full time, and I don't expect him to come home and clean the house, but I DO expect him to not make it worse, and to clean up after himself and her if he's done something with her. Apparently even that is more than he's capable of!
  • miserablewife
    Posts: 20Member
    IF this is all a man thing, then I'm just going to start playing for the other team! If I give him a list, he'll "lose" it, or just go freestyle thinking he can remember what's on it. Or if I specifically ask for a certain thing- and i'll even tell him exactly where to find it, he'll come back with something different because it looked the same, but was cheaper or looked better, etc. No winning w/ this one! 
  • U need a hug he needs a reality check.he could definitely BE WORSE !! But couples counseling...is what it sounds like u need
  • gabi88gabi88
    Posts: 2Member
    Hi
    I just signed registered on this blog today.  I have to admit that even though my sons are grown ( and I have a 17 month grand - daughter) I am very interested in the concerns of young parents today.  Actually, there is no end date on the parent thing and this is a great forum to exchange ideas and get frustrations out of your system.
    Having said that, I want to make one very obvious observation which was not as common when my boys were young.  The dynamics of today's families are much different in that it oftentimes takes 2 incomes to just make a decent life and the parenting and household chores are divided (albeit not always equal ).
    Part of the problem as I see it, is that your husband had a very bad example set by his mom as you mentioned.  And unfortunately, his priorities with regard to chores, cleanliness, and even respect were not encouraged.  You have been married so  many years and he still doesn't "get it" even with all your desperate attempts to change his behavior. In my opinion, this is more a matter of lack of respect for you and your feelings than just a man with bad habits.  Kudos to him for making some effort taking care of your daughter but he falls short of "completing" the job.  As an older parent and having gone through a divorce after 23 years of marriage, I believe that if you both seek the help of a marriage counselor, you can learn to  accept some behaviors as that it might be just something you will have to live with and your husband can work through some of his issues which are presenting the biggest problems.  I hope that both of you can remember "life" before the pressures and demands of raising a family and realize that you are not unique and your family life can be restored where won't feel like "throwing wine bottles" at him.
  • Operawife
    Posts: 4Member
    R.E.S.P.E.C.T - you deserve it, he isn't giving it. If counseling doesn't get him to change, then I highly suggest you do what makes you happy. I watched my parents in a loveless marriage for 35 years and my mother sacrificed everything in order to do what she thought she was supposed to do as a wife/mother. She only ended up bitter and unhappy at 60.
  • goldie226
    Posts: 13Member
    Operawife said:

    R.E.S.P.E.C.T - you deserve it, he isn't giving it. If counseling doesn't get him to change, then I highly suggest you do what makes you happy. I watched my parents in a loveless marriage for 35 years and my mother sacrificed everything in order to do what she thought she was supposed to do as a wife/mother. She only ended up bitter and unhappy at 60.



    ^^^^^ this
  • MegsueMegsue
    Posts: 1,846Member
    Are we married to the same man @miserablewife? You've described my DH perfectly! His "greatest" habit is putting garbage on the counter right above the garbage can and leaving food on plates, not even scraping them off into the garbage. I got my point across (kind of) by stuffing all the garbage he leaves laying around under the covers on his side of the bed. I also let the dishes build up and then would only wash stuff for DS and myself to eat from. If he wanted dinner, he had to wash a plate himself. I'd always leave him the one with last nights dinner stuck to it. He got the point pretty quickly. And he does his own laundry now...but he still leaves it laying all over the house. His problem: his mother abandoned him when he was 4, raised by a single father that was working ALL the time and was never around. I sympathize with him for that; as I do with your DH situation as well. All of that said, counseling may help him realize how disrespectful he is, I would definately bring it up. But, just like with kids, tough love goes a long way. And if that doesn't work, tell him straight up how you feel and why!!! Scratch that...just tell him he's a dickwad and to shape up or ship out!!!
  • sdguppy
    Posts: 1Member
    Oh my, sounds like my hubby.  23 years ago, told me a pack of lies that only slowly revealed themselves ,turns out he didn't really want to finish college, wasn't really of my political persuasion (incredibly important to me) and didn't really plan on raising our kids the way we talked about.He has basically turned into his father, not my first choice in a partner but DH told me when we were young exactly how and why our marriage would be different than his parents.  Now I am so resentful of all his failed promises, bad parenting (yelling, shaming, doesn't keep promises) that I'm ready to throw in the towel. We've tried counseling, he doesn't much believe in it. I cannot stand to even be near him I have so much resentment built up.  Don't even speak about the household chores. When he was a SAHD I'd come home from work around 6 pm and he'd ask me "whats for dinner", then I would help kids with homework, clean until their bedtime and then I put them to bed. I know the answer is to divorce his lazy, lying ass, but I can't afford to.... or am I just using that as an excuse?
  • luvmykids
    Posts: 3Member
    I understand how you feel. I am a stay at home mom and I started my own business from home. I understand that I have to do most of the work in the house but sometimes I feel like a slave. I am lucky if he takes the garbage out. He leaves piles of used q-tips on the dresser that is covered in papers, books and magazines. When my daughter was 4, she had to show him how to use the washing machine. (she is the best helper) He yells at the kids for having messy rooms, yet he has 2 weeks worth of clothes piled up at the end of the bed. He sits at work all day at a computer and when he gets home he spends a couple hours with the kids then he is back on his computer until he goes to bed. You know it is bad when your husband surprisingly cleans something and it shocks you. What I hate the most is that his mother will stop over and make comments about the clutter. I finally told her that it is hard to keep up when you are the only one in the house cleaning. I have had times when I have gone on strike and it has gone unnoticed. Then I can't take the filth anymore and I clean. I do love him very much but I am unhappy living this way. My home business suffers because I spend too much time cleaning up everyones mess. So now he wants me to get a job. How do I get a job, take care of the kids, keep the house clean and run my business (which I am very passionate about) all by myself. I feel like I am failing at everything. My mom was a SAHM and she did everything. I never wanted to live like that but here I am.
  • canadamom
    Posts: 880Member
    The best marital counselling for this issue is not to spend money to argue about the chores in front of a third party but to just hire someone to do the chores!!! 

     I was going crazy as a single mom with two kids who wouldn't clean at all as their dad had them doing many chores at his house even though he only had them 20% of the time. He taught them to have no respect for me which also did not help them to see that I was to be obeyed. So I hired someone to come in and clean twice a month but NOT to dust or vacuum the kids rooms unless they were neat and tidy.  Best money for mental health I ever spent!!!!

    She does floors, bathrooms, spot wall cleaning, dusts and vacuums the whole house.  This still leaves cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning the fridge and the oven, and groceries.  It has really been a lifesaver.  

    I would highly recommend it to everyone.
  • MistressHeidiMistressHeidi
    Posts: 984Member
    I understand how you must be feeling. I was with a man for 20 years(16 years of marriage, 4 years of dating) that at the end I couldn't stand any longer. When we started dating it was nice and he was a pretty good person, but now looking back on it I can see the signs of the kind of man he would become later. He never helped around the house, the few times he did he wanted me to praise him like he had just managed to climb Mount Everest. I worked full time, did all the cooking,and cleaning. He worked periodically, but never steady for any great length of time. Longest job he had was about 10 months. He emotionally abused me and made me feel horrible about myself. He always had time to go help his friends work on cars, or go hunting or whatever his friends wanted to do. But there was no time for me or our kids. Resentment built and built until at the end I would come home from work and sit in my truck and cry before I would go in the house. And just looking at him made me want to throw up and I silently wished he would just die.I tried so hard for so long. I begged, I pleaded, I threatened, I cried. I forced him to go to counseling with me. None of it helped. I don't know what the answer is. For me it was changing the locks while he was gone one day and filing for divorce. I wish I had wonderful words of advice or wisdom for you. All I know is I feel for you, I've been in the same type of situation and know how must be feeling. I hope you all manage to find some happiness and peace.
  • nettefl
    Posts: 1Member
    These men aren't going to change. Divorce sucks, but it's better than living like what I've just read!!!  Life is too short!!

  • GrainneGrainne
    Posts: 1,028Member
    Your situation sounds incredibly frustrating no wonder you feel like you have has it. I'm just wondering if he really knows and understands what needs to be done and don't mean this to be disrespectful of all the many things you have tried and if you have tried this just disregard ;)
    When reading about how he grew up and thinking about my own husband who doesn't often get what needs to be done and more importantly if I don't specifically break it down into concrete steps he doesn't know how to do it right if that makes sense? So wondering does your husband even know how to do these things if he grew up like that and is he like my husband who needs it broken down into concrete steps for the stuff he doesn't know. Because I find once he clearly understand exactly how to do it and expectations he often does a better job than me. As much as it annoys me sometimes that I have to tell him I've realized I can be frustrated and not tell him or work on bein really clear on exactly what I do expect and the steps to do it and it gets done. Anyways I may be totally barking up the wrong tree just musing out loud. Big hugs to you.
  • ferrell
    Posts: 1Member
    What you have described is Passive Aggressive Behavior. You ask him to do things and he complies-sort of. You ask him for help and he does it-but not to completion. You get his 'help' but only partially....this blatant disrespect is his anger showing but he is too passive to be confrontational.
    How do I know this? I was married to someone like this for 26 years. Divorced 2 yrs. Yes, life is easier now. In some ways.
    Counseling, hire help, do whatever you can; google passive-aggressive and read up...its hard to be in that situation.
  • BJMalloryBJMallory
    Posts: 11Member
    When my DH and I got together, I was a single mom.  My youngest DS was a year old.  One day, DH and I were cleaning our apartment - he was doing the kitchen while I did the bathroom and the living room...and also the laundry.  I walked through the kitchen to find it clean but DS' dirty bottles were lined up on the back of the sink.  Not soaking, just lined up there.  So I asked DH about it and he said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?  I don't wash baby bottles."  Really?  It's like that?  I just said, "Ok..." and went to the kitchen to wash up those bottles.  

    Later on, DH came out of the shower, wrapped in a towel.  "What did you do with my clean underwear?" he asked.  I looked at him wide-eyed and said sweetly, "Oh, didn't I tell you?  I don't wash men's underwear."

    From that day on, whenever he did the dishes, he most certainly washed the baby's bottles.  
  • graysonsmommy
    Posts: 24Member
    I can so sympathize with this! My husband feels as though the only contribution he has to make is money. He work full time and throws that up in my face constantly. He says that all I do is sit at home and do nothing all day so there is no reason why he should have to do anything. We have 2 daughter, 8 and 11, and a son, 3 months. I don't ask him to do much. I just want him to pick up after himself and see about the baby a little in the evenings. He will come home and go right outside with the older kids, leaving me in the house to try to cook dinner and tend to a crying baby. How the hell am I supposed to do that? I am not superwoman!!! He barks orders at my girls, which are his stepkids, and they are scared to even talk to him. He yells and cusses about absolutely everything. He complains that all I do is bitch at him about everything. I am so unhappy, but I don't know what to do about it. We haven't even been married two years and I am ready to call it quits. I'm sick of being told to stfu all the time. And I'm even more sick of him yelling and cussing at my girls for every little thing they do. He is 6 years younger than me and doesn't have any other kids, so he is new at the whole parenting thing. But how long am I supposed to look over the bad attitude and meanness because of that? Someone please give me some advice
    :-<
  • loveless
    Posts: 71Member
    I can really relate. I have been married for 18 years. 3 years into our marriage I was going to divorce my husband. The mutual disrespect was awful. I even had gotten the name of an atty from my friend. A week later I found out I was pregnant. I decided to stay for my DD sake and try to work it out. With a baby on the way I didn't think I could manage financially on my own.

    Now my DD is 15 and I see the damage staying with a man who shows no respect for me has done to her.  She has never seen what a healthy relationship looks like, and in turn has sought out boys who show her no respect either. If I had it to do over I would have figured out a way to leave a long time ago. Maybe I could have found a relationship that was healthy and a better example for her.

    I'm not suggesting you leave or stay. I know how difficult it is to walk away from a life you know, no matter how miserable you may be, for one that is uncertain. Whatever you do, start doing things to position yourself (i.e. talk to an atty to find out what your rights are, find a source of income, get an education, etc.) so that if the time comes that you feel you can't do it anymore you at least have options and don't feel "stuck".

    Sometimes staying in an unhealthy relationship can be just as damaging, if not more so, than going through a divorce for your kids (and for you).
  • graysonsmommy
    Posts: 24Member
    @MammaTeeRoll I know there is absolutely no excuse for that and we argue about it every time it happens. what can I do to change how he talks to them?
  • graysonsmommy
    Posts: 24Member
    He really loves my girls and our son and I know this. And he loves me. He is just really immature. Is there something I can do to help him grow up and become a more productive part of this family?

  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 1,519
    @graysonsmommy, yes, take his ass to counseling, and tell him he has to shape up or ship out. What he is doing is verbally and possibly emotionally abusive to your daughters. That is the example they see of how a man treats a woman and children- that is not ok at all. At all.
  • graysonsmommy
    Posts: 24Member
    thanks for the advice!! I am going to try this and hope something changes. I really do not want to go through a divorce, or have my kids go through it either. But if things keep going the way they have been, a divorce would be the best thing for all involved.
  • Twins911Twins911
    Posts: 216Member
    A relationship is complicated and u sound so frustrated. NO woman deserves to be treated like a maid. He's disrespect has u on a brink and u need to look for a third party to interfere. No parents and maybe not even siblings, look for help from a friend or a professional but seek help! The advice from all of us will only remain a good idea in your head, but doesn't help because he's the one with the issues. Your pregnancy and health are priority, so try not to fight with your DH because it'll will only make it worse. Do only the house chores that u can, don't stress. 
    I'm on my 2nd marriage and thank god that we don't have those issues now, but i can certainly relate. There have been times that I feel that my DH doesn't understand and I make him understand by talking because I've learned that fighting with him only makes him ignore me. The past two years have been hectic for us because I have 15 month old twins and he understands my frustrations. He helps out with everything from mopping to laundry, but we have issues don't get me wrong. Yesterday I asked him "Why are all ur clothes on the closet floor?" He answered quickly "well i was in a rush to work and couldn't find a shirt, i'll pick it up in a while." It's still on the floor and I'm not going to pick it up, for sure! Because I have plenty picking up after the twins-cleaning butts, feeding, pickup all the stuff that they chew on and washing them over and over. So i don't need more aggravation than I have right now… my insanity is on the edge of the abyss, confined to this house and their every need. So I'm not going to waist my time repeating myself or picking up after him because I refuse to let it bother me anymore.
    It is hard to control ur emotions when ur pregnant, but u r the only one who can take control of ur interself. A wise woman once told me "being a woman is a roller coster in it self, but always remember that when it comes to men.. women have the upper hand, u control every aspect of your life. don't let anyone take that away from u. a good wife is making ur man THINK he has control, all the while u gently pull on his strings in ur favor" This woman was a dear friend of my mother who has since passed but her words have always centered me. it took me a failed marriage and 30 years to realize the wisdom of her words. 
    Venting is great, but take action before u loose urself. Good Luck!!!   
  • graysonsmommy
    Posts: 24Member
    @Gianna thanks
  • silken
    Posts: 205Member
    All I will say is that he is treating you and your kids with no respect--he teaching your kids this is a man who says he love you will treat. Your kids will follow in that path and twenty years from now they will most probably be in relationships where they are not treated with respect. We can talk to our kids all we want, it how we act that teaches them so much more.
  • birdlady
    Posts: 5Member
    I have been married almost 27 years. I can say that I think I hate my husbands guts! I relate to these comments and really need to vent. Just yesterday, I cleaned the bathroom for the millionth time, I had to clean up my husbands poop and pee. He is extremely overweight and must not be able to wait till he gets his pants down and sprays poop all over the walls drops terds on the baseboards. He then sprays pee all over the floor and walls. If I tell him he did this or to go clean it up, he says he didn't do it, it must have been one of our 2 grown boys that live at home. They haven't even been in the downstairs bathroom...So how can that be?? I am just so sick of his poor hygene habits! He is diabetic, right now there are at least 6 bloody test strips laying on the floor in my kitchen that he flings to the garbage can. If they make it in, good. If not, he leaves them laying there!! Then he says,"I don't know how that got there, I put them in the garbage" YEAH RIGHT!!!! How about when I find them stuck in the butter dish or on the bottom of a plate. He is such a BABY!! He is on his 29th job. He has gotten fired from all of the other ones.  I have been the stable employment, along with raising our 3 children, doing ALL of the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the animals we have. I used to do all of the yard work too. I refuse to do it anymore. The fat a** will let our grass grow for 3 or 4 weeks and then complain that he has to cut it. My sons go to work and then to school. He thinks they should do the outside work. While I agree and they do help when they are off work or school..... I want to know who the adult is?? He wants me to wait on him hand and foot while doing nothing for anyone but himself.... and I mean laying on the couch watching tv. That is ALL he does when not working his 40 hours a week. Then he needs his rest.... He NEVER touches me, only to hold my head  to his crotch, which I WON'T DO ANYMORE! We haven't had sex in 6 months.... we can only have it in one position because of his weight.Yuck... who wants that. I have to do all the work. I am doing NOTHING for him anymore... and the sad part is .... HE DOESN'T EVEN GET IT!!! Marriage is supposed to be take the good with the bad.... WELL, I am done with the bad!!!! It has been too many bads.....Not enough goods. I have stuck it out for way too long!!! I could go on.... This is just the tip of the iceburg that I live with. Thanks for letting me vent!!!
  • EvelynRose
    Posts: 22Member
    I understand how you feel. I was in a terrible marriage 5 years ago and I swear I could have written this myself. Just wanted you to know you're not alone and give you hugs. I sincerely hope things get better for you.
  • TorturedbyTWINSTorturedbyTWINS
    Posts: 1,543Member
    @birdlady perhaps you could try counseling?  When we point out the obvious it is labeled as nagging, but when a stranger points it out it sometimes is eye opening.  Just a thought.  Sounds like he's pretty immature shifting blame on anything he can come up with.  
  • noturnonred
    Posts: 103Member
    Why are you married?
  • birdlady
    Posts: 5Member
    Thanks @EvelynRose, I appreciate that. @TorturedbyTWINS, I really cannot afford counseling at this time. I have health insurance, but I have a $500 deductible. I have called about 20 different places and they all want the deductible up front. I work full time and am in the process of trying to get a second part time job so I can get the help I need and move out and on.It is such a fight, though.  @noturnonred, I am not sure how to answer that. I think I was raised to stay married no matter what. I have been researching my behavior and my husbands behavior online. I have come up with me being a co-dependent. I think my mother was narcissistic and so is my husband. I am just now finding the confidence to find out what is wrong with the relationship. It is a fight every day. He has whittled away at my self for so long that it is hard. I am expected to work and do everything else. I have NO time for myself and he has made me feel like I don't deserve it anyways. I know it isn't right. I am working on myself... It is not an easy thing, even though it should be. He throws  temper tantrums about everything I do differently. Again, he is trying to whittle away my confidence. I know it and am trying to stop the behavior. Even though we should be more stable with our finances, we still live pay to pay after 27 years. I have no friends or family to rely on. I am trying to change that by getting a second job. When I wrote the other day... I was so frustrated, I just had to vent to someone or something. I am really "not allowed" to do that at home. I do thank God he is not very computer literate so I can come on here and try to understand.
  • beambeam
    Posts: 1,579Member
    I could never stay with someone I hated and resented. Someone who did not participate within the collective family. It's not worth the emotional stress. But that is me, I am out of any relationship as soon as I see any red flag (whether friend or lover). I know we can all get hurt, angry, frustrated, dislike, need a break but when it gets to a never-ending hate, it is time to shit or get off the pot (as my mom would say)... so either get the counciling now (no matter what the cost) or get out.... because you deserve more than to feel like this day in and day out - it ain't worth it financially or emotionally.
    A broken heart is a rite of passage and, looking back, I must have wanted one pretty badly. "Kick me," I demanded, and when somebody finally did, I burst like a cheap piñata. - DAVID SEDARIS
  • birdlady
    Posts: 5Member
    @beam... I wish it were that easy and I admire your strength. How do I go to get counseling without money?? Should I rob a bank? I have called all of the counselors in my area and they want the money up front. I am trying to get a second job to fix that. I have no reserve money.... I mean NONE! I have applied at every dollar store, grocery store, and paper ad I can. I have not even recieved a call for an interview. I am calling them back and still looking for another way. I just started selling things on the internet and on ebay. It is a slow process. Thanks for the advice.... TRYING TO GET OFF THE POT!!!
  • beambeam
    Posts: 1,579Member
    Are there any state mental health services in your area? I would even try calling suicide prevention or women abuse centers to ask for advice about free services... can husband pay? (Haha right) Relatives? Basically it has to become a priority (no junk food, 2nd hand clothes, sell a car) whatever it takes and 2nd job is going to be harder to come by because when we are exhusted/down/angry, we bring everyone (including kids) and everything (work suffers, get passed up for promotion or pay raise) etc....
    A broken heart is a rite of passage and, looking back, I must have wanted one pretty badly. "Kick me," I demanded, and when somebody finally did, I burst like a cheap piñata. - DAVID SEDARIS
  • birdlady
    Posts: 5Member
    I have called all mental health, they refer back to my insurance. It is like running around in a circle. I already wear second hand clothes. My mother passed away in 2008, I am wearing her clothes even her bras. I rarely buy junk food. We can not afford it. I cook every night. I garden and have just canned and froze the food for the winter.Or hopefully so.He is on his 29th job and does not stay at a place long enough to earn the wage he should at his age. My money is what pays the bills. We have gone bankrupt and lost everything about 10 years ago. We only have one car and I walk to work now. I agree that my work suffers, and that is probably why I can't get a second. Both of my parents are passed. I have a brother who I found out recently is a pedophile. I just found out last year that he molested my oldest son. I found out that my mother knew about my brother and protected him, not my son. I also found out that my extended family also knew and they don't tell because they don't want to hurt the family name. HA!HA! I have not spoken to any of them since I have found out. Probably another reason I feel the way I do. But, that is a whole other story. That is why I said about me being co-dependent. I was raised that way. I think that is why I have put up with my husband for so long. I have not tried to contact a suicide line. I did not know you could if you weren't thinking about doing that. I will try.... Thanks! I do appreciate your comments!
  • KellynnKellynn
    Posts: 2,284Member
    If it's your money that pays the bills, why don't you just leave? You can then support yourself. I am sorry, but if I had to clean up my husband's piss and shit, well, I just wouldn't. I know you say it would just stay there if you didn't, so that would be one of the reasons I would leave. It sounds like a life in hell. How would it be any worse if you left?
  • beambeam
    Posts: 1,579Member
    That is an awful a lot of stuff to deal with on your own. I admit I don't know all the resources that are available out there (I live in another country). The resource page here doesn't really have the numbers you need. Maybe seeing a doctor or a mental health hospital? There has got to be something, even group meetings of some sort. There are a couple scary mommies here that might know some steps you can take @CanadianMama, @BellaBefana ?
    A broken heart is a rite of passage and, looking back, I must have wanted one pretty badly. "Kick me," I demanded, and when somebody finally did, I burst like a cheap piñata. - DAVID SEDARIS
  • CanadianMamaCanadianMama
    Posts: 10,374Administrator, Moderator
    @birdlady I am so sorry for everything you are going through. It's no way to live. My first suggestions would be to call the the domestic abuse hotline, while it's not physical, it certainly is emotional. They may have some suggestions for you. Also 2-1-1. This is the United Way they have lists of resources for people in most any situation. Definitely give them a try.
    If you have a planned parenthood, or a women's health centre near you, also try there. Your local university or college may have resources you can access too, even if you aren't a student. 
    I'm not really all that concerned with you finding marriage counselling, but I am concerned with finding people who will help empower you to get out of that situation. After 27 years, I don't think your husband's going to change, and since he won't, and you can't control if he will, you have to work on you. You don't have to accept this behaviour anymore. 

    community-manager


  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 10,374Member
    Since I've never been married or lived with anyone, I really don't know what to tell you, except maybe go on strike?  I'm guessing if you've been married almost 20 years you're pretty close to my age?  Maybe 40's?  I would just stop picking up after him...if there's some place you can go, maybe a family member near by, go for a visit for a week, and just let the house go.  I get that you don't want to live in a mess which is why I suggest going somewhere else for a week or so.  Tell him it's up to him to clean up after himself or not, but when you come back if the house is a disaster you're calling Merry Maids. 

    Make the appointment for when he's home to listen to it, I can almost guarantee when they tell you how much that first cleaning is going to be, he might just shit a brick...getting that estimate is usually the impetus for me to get off my ass and spring clean myself.  Once, and my house wasn't even messy or especially dirty at the time, they gave me a $1500.00 estimate for that first cleaning!
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • birdlady
    Posts: 5Member
    Thanks for the helpful comments. I am working on making the money to leave. I have been selling off the things that I won't be able to take. It takes money to move. I don't want to not pay my utilities, they are all in my name. I would not be able to transfer them if they are delinquent. I will definitely check the other resources that you have mentioned. @CanadianMama. I know I have to work on me. I am trying to do just that. I will say, that just writing on here gives me some relief. I realize I am not right. I mean really what kind of person stays with someone who treats them like that. I really don't know why I have put up with it for so long. I have quit doing his laundry. I still do cook and clean. I can't stand to go into my bathroom and see the mess. I have tried to ignore it and not clean it, that doesn't last.... I clean it up! I have also quit having any type of talking relationship, only what I have to discuss with him. He doesn't seem to mind or care.He has his tv, that is what he is worried about... I have no where to go for a week. I have no family to speak of and no friends, he has made sure of that. Thanks again!!! I do appreciate it!!
  • DaisyChainDaisyChain
    Posts: 369Member
    this would be a horrible situation to be in but remember he was once someone you wanted to be with.. what changed? ... maybe you need to start focusing on the fact that he does change diapers instead of the fact he leaves the nappy there... or that he does dress her instead of he leaves the clothes there.. do you honestly want your husband to sit and watch you finish feeding the baby and then also wait and watch you eat dinner after.. maybe you can have time with him after dinner instead. maybe im being horrible but i feel your making mountains out of mole hills.. if you never seen him use a mop or vacuum in 18 years why on earth would you expect him to now... does he expect you to suddenly go and mow the lawn(if he does) instead of him after 18 long years? no.. probobly not.. i do understand the things he is doing can be annoying but 18 years? why would you expect him to suddenly change after 18 years..
  • MissJsmom
    Posts: 50Member
    I'm so sorry for everything you are going through bird lady! You don't deserve that. I hope you find the strength to leave. I know it's hard without a support system but we could be that for you,
  • femathlete97
    Posts: 1Member
    The list you wrote up in your original post is similar to my life, except he will mop a floor and vacuum it, i just have to do it again.  ;)  I too am miserable.  
    However, my husband is diagnosed with ADHD and had a traumatic childhood.  I recently went to a psychoanalyst and I started listing out all the stress he puts me in, triggering me to eat, and eat and wish he wouldn't touch me rather that he would just go away.  Immediately she said, is he on medication for ADHD?  If you go for therapy, get a good person for both of you!  You need to deal with your misery and him.  Don't be afraid to change therapists if you don't like your first pick.  
    The funniest part about our therapy sessions is they all have said something to the affect "I normally can't side with one party, but what she is asking for is perfectly reasonable."  It doesn't make him feel good but it does help me realize I'm not asking too much. 

    He and I are struggling to stay together. But after 7 + years of marriage it is difficult to split the assets I've earned with him. 
    Good luck and remember you are sane!