Motherhood Comes Naturally (and other vicious lies) is available in stores, and online, NOW. Do you have it yet? Have you told all your friends and family about it?
**Get it, share it, and spread the joy!**
I think I hate my husbands guts.
-
Im pretty sure i've had it w/ my husband. The past few months, the mere sight of him makes me want to throw wine bottles at his face!I've just had all I can take of his bs, and no matter what I say or day- nothing ever changes.Here's the list:- Changes 2 1/2 year old daughters diaper and leaves them all over the floor. Who does he think picks them up?- Gets her ready for bed at night, or gets her dressed in the morning and tosses her clothes on the floor.-Doesn't put his laundry away...and has pretty much stopped washing ANY laundry at all. If I wash it and fold it, it sits in a basket in the laundry room, which he then roots through, and throws all the clean clothes all over the floor. To that end, I refuse to wash so much as a single stitch of his clothing anymore.- In the 18 years we have been together, I have never once seen him use the vacuum or a mop.- I have to ask repeatedly for the simplest things to be done. And after asking repeatedly, when I blow up at him, he then turns around and calls me a psycho.- I am a stay at home miserable mom who barely leaves the house because it's such a disorganized mess that I spend all my time cleaning, and re-cleaning after both him and the baby.- I am also 6 months pregnant...and dreading adding another child into this chaos that I have to deal with myself.- If he goes out grocery shopping, he only buys things he likes. To hell with the rest of us.- I'll scrub and disinfect the bathrooms, and he'll go in right behind me, toss socks or clothes on the floor, leave globs of toothpaste in the sink and won't rinse the toothpaste he spit out down the sink.That's not even half the list. I'm just so upset. I have tried EVERYTHING to get through to him. I've been nice, I've talked to him about how it makes me feel calmly and rationally, i've blown up and had knock-down drag out fights..nothing works and it's gotten to the point where all I do is dream about leaving. But I can't, because I don't have a nickel to my name or anywhere to go. I'm F*cked! Help!!
-
@miserablewife, first of all, welcome to the scarymommy community.
Secondly, I'm so sorry you are going through this, your husband needs a good kick in the ass. Have you tried counseling? Oftentimes it is hard to hear from our SO that we are not doing things correctly, so hearing it from a 3rd party can be really helpful.
Make a chore/to do list that you both agree on, and then each do what you are best doing. My DH will not touch a dirty dish but he loves to cook, so we divide that way.
The dirty diapers thing is gross, but at least he will change a diaper! We had a poster on here whose DH had never changed a diaper. You could always out the dirty diapers on his pillow... ;)
@mammateeroll gives the best advice on this stuff, so I'm tagging her in! -
Oh, and equally as important-- When I make dinner, and ask him to set the table, he'll push whatever it is that on it to one side (usually the side I sit on!) He'll plunk down 3 dishes, get himself a cup and silverware and I guess me and my daughter have to get our own.-Has nearly finished his dinner while I make sure our daughter has everything she needs and that her food is cut up.- I spend my entire meal refocusing her, trying to get her to eat, not eat w/ her hands, keep her in her chair while he stuffs his face. Then when they're both done, they leave the table and I eat my cold dinner alone.- When we're out at a restaurant, same thing- face down in his plate while I make sure my daughter isn't acting like an animal. 9 times out of 10, my full meal comes home in a takeout box. If I call him on it, he glares at me, tells her to stop doing whatever it is and goes back to eating.aaaaargh!!!! I hate him!
-
Couples counseling will really help you with the issues. My coulples counselor told my husband to "do the fucking dishes" because he is a SAHD and I work fulltime.
-
I'd say counseling too and take the list with you. Does he work full time? My DH does but he's home almost all the time and he's lazy and it drives me nuts. But also I say get out of the house!! I do even if it's just to go lolligag around at the store even if I don't buy a thing. Sometimes it's as simple as going to starbucks and get an iced tea. I recently signed up for the community garden for something to do. My house isn't all that clean and organized but you know what? I don't care! It isn't a pig sty and I'm not a maid. I do what needs to be done and still manage to get in some stuff I like to do! The stuff isn't going anywhere, you need to get out and breathe and be you. Do whatever, anything just go do it because the more you are stuck in the house the more you're gonna get mad. Do you have a dog? go for a walk. Don't have a dog? Go for a walk ayway!
-
^^ This
-
Sounds like he is used to his mom/wife cleaning his messes and has no intentions of changing it. Good luck.
-
Hi Chocoholic,Thanks for the welcome- and the advice. We've actually been to counseling, and it helped when it was just the two of us, but now that we're parents- it's worse than ever, and we don't have anyone to watch our daughter at night, so going to counseling isn't an option. And get this- I actually brought up the fact that we need to go and he was shocked! Really??!The dirty diaper thing is disgusting and it makes me insane! He doesn't even have to toss them out, he can ball them up and let her do it. It's just laziness, and all in all, I feel completely disrespected. I ask him all the time how he would like it if I came to his office every day and completely destroyed his desk and dumped dirty diapers all over it and then left. Had it!
-
Thanks ladies.OtakuHime...His mother is the most disgusting, filthy slob I have EVER met in my life. Her places have been so filthy that I will not, under any circumstances bring my daughter over there. She raised both of her sons in utter filth- overflowing trash, black floors and toilets. She's a disgrace, so he's never HAD to clean up after himself. She's so vile that not even he has anything to do with her. Good luck to me is right!I have been looking into counseling, its solely a matter of getting a steady sitter to come here once a week, or every couple weeks. We have no one at all. My parents babysit during the day, or have her for sleepovers, but they live 30 miles away and we live in the city, so we don't have them come out here at night. I feel like if I want any relief, I'll just have to take on more here, that includes getting her dressed and ready for bed every night, making sure her teeth are brushed (I actually have to TELL him to do that!) Everything with him is a "tell me what to do" situation, and i'm always like "There's plenty to DO, just frigging pick something!!" He does work full time, and I don't expect him to come home and clean the house, but I DO expect him to not make it worse, and to clean up after himself and her if he's done something with her. Apparently even that is more than he's capable of!
-
IF this is all a man thing, then I'm just going to start playing for the other team! If I give him a list, he'll "lose" it, or just go freestyle thinking he can remember what's on it. Or if I specifically ask for a certain thing- and i'll even tell him exactly where to find it, he'll come back with something different because it looked the same, but was cheaper or looked better, etc. No winning w/ this one!
-
U need a hug he needs a reality check.he could definitely BE WORSE !! But couples counseling...is what it sounds like u need
-
Hi
I just signed registered on this blog today. I have to admit that even though my sons are grown ( and I have a 17 month grand - daughter) I am very interested in the concerns of young parents today. Actually, there is no end date on the parent thing and this is a great forum to exchange ideas and get frustrations out of your system.
Having said that, I want to make one very obvious observation which was not as common when my boys were young. The dynamics of today's families are much different in that it oftentimes takes 2 incomes to just make a decent life and the parenting and household chores are divided (albeit not always equal ).
Part of the problem as I see it, is that your husband had a very bad example set by his mom as you mentioned. And unfortunately, his priorities with regard to chores, cleanliness, and even respect were not encouraged. You have been married so many years and he still doesn't "get it" even with all your desperate attempts to change his behavior. In my opinion, this is more a matter of lack of respect for you and your feelings than just a man with bad habits. Kudos to him for making some effort taking care of your daughter but he falls short of "completing" the job. As an older parent and having gone through a divorce after 23 years of marriage, I believe that if you both seek the help of a marriage counselor, you can learn to accept some behaviors as that it might be just something you will have to live with and your husband can work through some of his issues which are presenting the biggest problems. I hope that both of you can remember "life" before the pressures and demands of raising a family and realize that you are not unique and your family life can be restored where won't feel like "throwing wine bottles" at him.
-
R.E.S.P.E.C.T - you deserve it, he isn't giving it. If counseling doesn't get him to change, then I highly suggest you do what makes you happy. I watched my parents in a loveless marriage for 35 years and my mother sacrificed everything in order to do what she thought she was supposed to do as a wife/mother. She only ended up bitter and unhappy at 60.
-
Operawife said:
R.E.S.P.E.C.T - you deserve it, he isn't giving it. If counseling doesn't get him to change, then I highly suggest you do what makes you happy. I watched my parents in a loveless marriage for 35 years and my mother sacrificed everything in order to do what she thought she was supposed to do as a wife/mother. She only ended up bitter and unhappy at 60.
^^^^^ this -
Are we married to the same man @miserablewife? You've described my DH perfectly! His "greatest" habit is putting garbage on the counter right above the garbage can and leaving food on plates, not even scraping them off into the garbage. I got my point across (kind of) by stuffing all the garbage he leaves laying around under the covers on his side of the bed. I also let the dishes build up and then would only wash stuff for DS and myself to eat from. If he wanted dinner, he had to wash a plate himself. I'd always leave him the one with last nights dinner stuck to it. He got the point pretty quickly. And he does his own laundry now...but he still leaves it laying all over the house. His problem: his mother abandoned him when he was 4, raised by a single father that was working ALL the time and was never around. I sympathize with him for that; as I do with your DH situation as well. All of that said, counseling may help him realize how disrespectful he is, I would definately bring it up. But, just like with kids, tough love goes a long way. And if that doesn't work, tell him straight up how you feel and why!!! Scratch that...just tell him he's a dickwad and to shape up or ship out!!!
-
Oh my, sounds like my hubby. 23 years ago, told me a pack of lies that only slowly revealed themselves ,turns out he didn't really want to finish college, wasn't really of my political persuasion (incredibly important to me) and didn't really plan on raising our kids the way we talked about.He has basically turned into his father, not my first choice in a partner but DH told me when we were young exactly how and why our marriage would be different than his parents. Now I am so resentful of all his failed promises, bad parenting (yelling, shaming, doesn't keep promises) that I'm ready to throw in the towel. We've tried counseling, he doesn't much believe in it. I cannot stand to even be near him I have so much resentment built up. Don't even speak about the household chores. When he was a SAHD I'd come home from work around 6 pm and he'd ask me "whats for dinner", then I would help kids with homework, clean until their bedtime and then I put them to bed. I know the answer is to divorce his lazy, lying ass, but I can't afford to.... or am I just using that as an excuse?
-
I understand how you feel. I am a stay at home mom and I started my own business from home. I understand that I have to do most of the work in the house but sometimes I feel like a slave. I am lucky if he takes the garbage out. He leaves piles of used q-tips on the dresser that is covered in papers, books and magazines. When my daughter was 4, she had to show him how to use the washing machine. (she is the best helper) He yells at the kids for having messy rooms, yet he has 2 weeks worth of clothes piled up at the end of the bed. He sits at work all day at a computer and when he gets home he spends a couple hours with the kids then he is back on his computer until he goes to bed. You know it is bad when your husband surprisingly cleans something and it shocks you. What I hate the most is that his mother will stop over and make comments about the clutter. I finally told her that it is hard to keep up when you are the only one in the house cleaning. I have had times when I have gone on strike and it has gone unnoticed. Then I can't take the filth anymore and I clean. I do love him very much but I am unhappy living this way. My home business suffers because I spend too much time cleaning up everyones mess. So now he wants me to get a job. How do I get a job, take care of the kids, keep the house clean and run my business (which I am very passionate about) all by myself. I feel like I am failing at everything. My mom was a SAHM and she did everything. I never wanted to live like that but here I am.
-
The best marital counselling for this issue is not to spend money to argue about the chores in front of a third party but to just hire someone to do the chores!!!I was going crazy as a single mom with two kids who wouldn't clean at all as their dad had them doing many chores at his house even though he only had them 20% of the time. He taught them to have no respect for me which also did not help them to see that I was to be obeyed. So I hired someone to come in and clean twice a month but NOT to dust or vacuum the kids rooms unless they were neat and tidy. Best money for mental health I ever spent!!!!She does floors, bathrooms, spot wall cleaning, dusts and vacuums the whole house. This still leaves cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning the fridge and the oven, and groceries. It has really been a lifesaver.I would highly recommend it to everyone.
-
I understand how you must be feeling. I was with a man for 20 years(16 years of marriage, 4 years of dating) that at the end I couldn't stand any longer. When we started dating it was nice and he was a pretty good person, but now looking back on it I can see the signs of the kind of man he would become later. He never helped around the house, the few times he did he wanted me to praise him like he had just managed to climb Mount Everest. I worked full time, did all the cooking,and cleaning. He worked periodically, but never steady for any great length of time. Longest job he had was about 10 months. He emotionally abused me and made me feel horrible about myself. He always had time to go help his friends work on cars, or go hunting or whatever his friends wanted to do. But there was no time for me or our kids. Resentment built and built until at the end I would come home from work and sit in my truck and cry before I would go in the house. And just looking at him made me want to throw up and I silently wished he would just die.I tried so hard for so long. I begged, I pleaded, I threatened, I cried. I forced him to go to counseling with me. None of it helped. I don't know what the answer is. For me it was changing the locks while he was gone one day and filing for divorce. I wish I had wonderful words of advice or wisdom for you. All I know is I feel for you, I've been in the same type of situation and know how must be feeling. I hope you all manage to find some happiness and peace.
-
These men aren't going to change. Divorce sucks, but it's better than living like what I've just read!!! Life is too short!!
-
Your situation sounds incredibly frustrating no wonder you feel like you have has it. I'm just wondering if he really knows and understands what needs to be done and don't mean this to be disrespectful of all the many things you have tried and if you have tried this just disregard ;)
When reading about how he grew up and thinking about my own husband who doesn't often get what needs to be done and more importantly if I don't specifically break it down into concrete steps he doesn't know how to do it right if that makes sense? So wondering does your husband even know how to do these things if he grew up like that and is he like my husband who needs it broken down into concrete steps for the stuff he doesn't know. Because I find once he clearly understand exactly how to do it and expectations he often does a better job than me. As much as it annoys me sometimes that I have to tell him I've realized I can be frustrated and not tell him or work on bein really clear on exactly what I do expect and the steps to do it and it gets done. Anyways I may be totally barking up the wrong tree just musing out loud. Big hugs to you. -
What you have described is Passive Aggressive Behavior. You ask him to do things and he complies-sort of. You ask him for help and he does it-but not to completion. You get his 'help' but only partially....this blatant disrespect is his anger showing but he is too passive to be confrontational.How do I know this? I was married to someone like this for 26 years. Divorced 2 yrs. Yes, life is easier now. In some ways.Counseling, hire help, do whatever you can; google passive-aggressive and read up...its hard to be in that situation.
-
...
-
The user and all related content has been deleted.well behaved women seldom make history
-
When my DH and I got together, I was a single mom. My youngest DS was a year old. One day, DH and I were cleaning our apartment - he was doing the kitchen while I did the bathroom and the living room...and also the laundry. I walked through the kitchen to find it clean but DS' dirty bottles were lined up on the back of the sink. Not soaking, just lined up there. So I asked DH about it and he said, "Oh, didn't I tell you? I don't wash baby bottles." Really? It's like that? I just said, "Ok..." and went to the kitchen to wash up those bottles.Later on, DH came out of the shower, wrapped in a towel. "What did you do with my clean underwear?" he asked. I looked at him wide-eyed and said sweetly, "Oh, didn't I tell you? I don't wash men's underwear."From that day on, whenever he did the dishes, he most certainly washed the baby's bottles.
-
The user and all related content has been deleted.well behaved women seldom make history
-
I can so sympathize with this! My husband feels as though the only contribution he has to make is money. He work full time and throws that up in my face constantly. He says that all I do is sit at home and do nothing all day so there is no reason why he should have to do anything. We have 2 daughter, 8 and 11, and a son, 3 months. I don't ask him to do much. I just want him to pick up after himself and see about the baby a little in the evenings. He will come home and go right outside with the older kids, leaving me in the house to try to cook dinner and tend to a crying baby. How the hell am I supposed to do that? I am not superwoman!!! He barks orders at my girls, which are his stepkids, and they are scared to even talk to him. He yells and cusses about absolutely everything. He complains that all I do is bitch at him about everything. I am so unhappy, but I don't know what to do about it. We haven't even been married two years and I am ready to call it quits. I'm sick of being told to stfu all the time. And I'm even more sick of him yelling and cussing at my girls for every little thing they do. He is 6 years younger than me and doesn't have any other kids, so he is new at the whole parenting thing. But how long am I supposed to look over the bad attitude and meanness because of that? Someone please give me some advice
:-< -
The user and all related content has been deleted.well behaved women seldom make history
-
I can really relate. I have been married for 18 years. 3 years into our marriage I was going to divorce my husband. The mutual disrespect was awful. I even had gotten the name of an atty from my friend. A week later I found out I was pregnant. I decided to stay for my DD sake and try to work it out. With a baby on the way I didn't think I could manage financially on my own.
Now my DD is 15 and I see the damage staying with a man who shows no respect for me has done to her. She has never seen what a healthy relationship looks like, and in turn has sought out boys who show her no respect either. If I had it to do over I would have figured out a way to leave a long time ago. Maybe I could have found a relationship that was healthy and a better example for her.
I'm not suggesting you leave or stay. I know how difficult it is to walk away from a life you know, no matter how miserable you may be, for one that is uncertain. Whatever you do, start doing things to position yourself (i.e. talk to an atty to find out what your rights are, find a source of income, get an education, etc.) so that if the time comes that you feel you can't do it anymore you at least have options and don't feel "stuck".
Sometimes staying in an unhealthy relationship can be just as damaging, if not more so, than going through a divorce for your kids (and for you).
-
@MammaTeeRoll I know there is absolutely no excuse for that and we argue about it every time it happens. what can I do to change how he talks to them?
-
He really loves my girls and our son and I know this. And he loves me. He is just really immature. Is there something I can do to help him grow up and become a more productive part of this family?
-
@graysonsmommy, yes, take his ass to counseling, and tell him he has to shape up or ship out. What he is doing is verbally and possibly emotionally abusive to your daughters. That is the example they see of how a man treats a woman and children- that is not ok at all. At all.
-
The user and all related content has been deleted.well behaved women seldom make history
-
thanks for the advice!! I am going to try this and hope something changes. I really do not want to go through a divorce, or have my kids go through it either. But if things keep going the way they have been, a divorce would be the best thing for all involved.
-
The user and all related content has been deleted.well behaved women seldom make history
-
..
-
A relationship is complicated and u sound so frustrated. NO woman deserves to be treated like a maid. He's disrespect has u on a brink and u need to look for a third party to interfere. No parents and maybe not even siblings, look for help from a friend or a professional but seek help! The advice from all of us will only remain a good idea in your head, but doesn't help because he's the one with the issues. Your pregnancy and health are priority, so try not to fight with your DH because it'll will only make it worse. Do only the house chores that u can, don't stress.I'm on my 2nd marriage and thank god that we don't have those issues now, but i can certainly relate. There have been times that I feel that my DH doesn't understand and I make him understand by talking because I've learned that fighting with him only makes him ignore me. The past two years have been hectic for us because I have 15 month old twins and he understands my frustrations. He helps out with everything from mopping to laundry, but we have issues don't get me wrong. Yesterday I asked him "Why are all ur clothes on the closet floor?" He answered quickly "well i was in a rush to work and couldn't find a shirt, i'll pick it up in a while." It's still on the floor and I'm not going to pick it up, for sure! Because I have plenty picking up after the twins-cleaning butts, feeding, pickup all the stuff that they chew on and washing them over and over. So i don't need more aggravation than I have right now… my insanity is on the edge of the abyss, confined to this house and their every need. So I'm not going to waist my time repeating myself or picking up after him because I refuse to let it bother me anymore.It is hard to control ur emotions when ur pregnant, but u r the only one who can take control of ur interself. A wise woman once told me "being a woman is a roller coster in it self, but always remember that when it comes to men.. women have the upper hand, u control every aspect of your life. don't let anyone take that away from u. a good wife is making ur man THINK he has control, all the while u gently pull on his strings in ur favor" This woman was a dear friend of my mother who has since passed but her words have always centered me. it took me a failed marriage and 30 years to realize the wisdom of her words.Venting is great, but take action before u loose urself. Good Luck!!!
-
@Gianna thanks
-
All I will say is that he is treating you and your kids with no respect--he teaching your kids this is a man who says he love you will treat. Your kids will follow in that path and twenty years from now they will most probably be in relationships where they are not treated with respect. We can talk to our kids all we want, it how we act that teaches them so much more.
the truth has arrived...
Categories
- All Discussions20,882
- Site Events
- ↳ SM Site Events34
- ↳ Calendar of Events2
- ↳ Hall of Fame8
- ↳ Motherhood Comes Naturally (and other vicious lies): Book 218
- ↳ Scary Mommy Day10
- ↳ Confessions: The Book42
- FAQ's
- ↳ Resources2
- General Chat
- ↳ Daily Discussions3,448
- ↳ Support/Prayer/Advice839
- ↳ Support Confessions2,588
- ↳ The Scaries and Best of Confessions88
- ↳ Travel75
- ↳ Home Life897
- ↳ Food and Recipes131
- ↳ Hobbies/Crafts/DIY/Gardening53
- ↳ Health & Beauty161
- ↳ Work/School353
- ↳ General2,429
- Hot Topics/Debates
- ↳ Debate/Hot Topics395
- ↳ Politics & Religion120
- ↳ Abortion/Adoption/Birth Control/IVF32
- ↳ Circumcision5
- ↳ Welfare Reform15
- ↳ Gun Control9
- ↳ Gender/Sexuality/LGBT31
- ↳ Vaccinations8
- ↳ Pediatric Nutrition (The Feeding Wars)16
- ↳ Discipline Techniques18
- ↳ Mompetitions: SAH/WOH/WAH and Parenting Styles7
- ↳ Birthing Options20
- ↳ Health/Hygiene/Smoking/Toking/Drinking29
- ↳ News/Current Events348
- Seasonal/Occasions
- ↳ Birthdays132
- ↳ Valentine's Day18
- ↳ Easter10
- ↳ Mother's/Father's Day39
- ↳ Halloween18
- ↳ Thanksgiving14
- ↳ Winter Holidays215
- ↳ Other Special Events25
- Children
- ↳ All Ages423
- ↳ Babies515
- ↳ Toddlers649
- ↳ School Aged535
- ↳ Teens208
- ↳ Pets214
- Relationships
- ↳ Friends/Family546
- ↳ Romantic1,007
- ↳ Step Relations96
- Just For Fun
- ↳ Games79
- ↳ Book Club60
- ↳ TV/Movies227
- ↳ Music45
- ↳ Social Media112
- ↳ Just for Grins268
- Health
- ↳ Diet/Weight/Fitness145
- ↳ General Health Issues336
- ↳ TTC/Pregnancy/PP631
- ↳ Special Needs127
- Brand Opportunities
- ↳ Pure Matters Wakeup23
- ↳ Jingos! Challenge1
- ↳ LapFit9
- ↳ Ouidad12
- ↳ Pyure Sweetener13
- ↳ InviCible5
- ↳ Bedroom Chemist7
From the Confessional
-
I shamelessly flirt with a 19 year old. He's a little over 8 years younger. I have a nephew that's older. But he is really good looking and we both know there's nothing that can happen. We push it. I'm playing with fire.
-
We've been trying for almost a year. I don't want kids anymore. I really don't. He's had his kids with the xwife. I kinda like being free without kids.
-
I am so jealous of xwife. She's not prettier than me, nicer or anything. I can't help comparing myself to her, and it's ruining my marriage! I hate being second and I am so insecure.
-
My dh is severly mentally ill and I feel so guilty for thinking of leaving him, but I don't think I can deal with this anymore.
Shop Scary Mommy
