My greatest fear is that my 11 year old stepson will completely fail in life and be financially dependent on DH for financial support for the rest of his life. He's failing in school, he's always in trouble, and his mother blames DH leaving for all of his problems. The way he's going, there's no chance he'll get to into college or get a decent job. I know he's only 11, but if 5th grade is too much of a challenge... I don't know what the future holds for him, except there is no way in h*** he will live in my house when he's an adult. I've already told DH that. No way.

I've disengaged from my stepkids. They come to visit, I take our kids and go to my mother's. I highly recommend any stepmothers in bad situations to research disengagement. It's better than trying to change a situation you have no control over. It's a never ending war with DH's ex who will always be bitter that DH left her, got remarried, had more kids, she can't accept he's happy and will always use their kids to try to make DH miserable.

Wow, that's exactly the same with my 11 yo stepson @violetmama. He's 11 and can barely read and he's always talking about wanting to go to college, but we're like, if you can't read and write, you'll never be able to go to college, let alone finish high school.

We've tried offering to help by paying for tutors and I've offered to help him, since I'm a writer by profession, but the offers fall on deaf ears.

Maybe I should try disengagement. It would likely help save my sanity.

His EX is bitter for leaving her too, and of course, being with me and having another child.....It's a never-ending battle.

Thanks for the post @violetmama. Certainly gives me some food for thought.

Oh we have that too @Omgmetoo. They rarely complete homework, even when they have it on weekend they are with us and we make sure they do the assignments. They just don't bother to turn them in.

These two HATE to read and I mean HATE it with a passion. It's kind of sad, because I am a voracious reader. I tried to turn them on to reading, but they weren't interested.

As for organization, those two kids could not organize their way of the washroom. It's really, really awful.

@happygirl - Easy for you to judge, you don't really know what we live with or deal with.

My DH is not spineless, but how in the hell do you expect us to make a dent in this insanity, when we only see them for four days out of every month? Instead of judging and being insulting, offer some suggestions, especially if you are in or have gone through a similar situation.

My DH and I have tried everything and sometimes, we do get through to them and they manage to act like civilized human beings instead of the wild animals they usually are when the come over. But, then they do home to mommy and everything we've done gets unraveled.

The EX has actually told the kids they don't need to listen to anything I tell them because I am not their mother. Please tell me, oh great and all knowing @happygirl, what the eff am I supposed to do?

They are almost adults. 17 and 16. Ones got summer school, the other would have had summer school too if he was mine bio..

I guess I think their fad enjoys life the way it is without them. We only have them 2 months in the summer.

If I had say, I'd fight for full custody.

These are young adults who know nothing of responsibility or real world life.

Their mom however has become dependent on CS. Of course she has a 400,000 house, 2 vehicles that are 2010 & 2009.. while we have 15 year old cars.. she also has a new baby, 3 dogs, and 2 cats.. her new hubby doesn't work.

I'm a perfectionist. I know they can be smart young men. I hate that there's nothing I can do for them.
What a crappy dad. No better than my dad.. we'll at least mine didn't try to "fix "me in 2 months.
(Oh well I guess that's why he's a perfect husband)

@anonymous
That sucks! I swear they ate thoughtless. My dad told me to never have kids, that in the long tun it'll save me from disappointment. I think its the one thing he is right about. :(

@violetmama - YES, exactly! I swear, your life with your stepkids is exactly the same as mine!

My DH is a wallet and punching bag for the EX and the kids. If they don't get what they want, they call mommy, say they're bored and want to go home.

I don't want my DS around them either. They swear, bully and are completely out of control. They were over last weekend and by the time they left, my two year old was saying, "Holy shit" and "Fuck sakes" after they left. They do it on purpose - they swear around him KNOWING full well he will repeat. Now I get to try and explain to DS that he shouldn't say those words.

I think the 11-year-old might be severely disturbed. The things he says and does, I am terrified for him to be around my DS. I KNOW, for a fact, he would hurt DS if given a chance.

In our case, quite often we will plan family outings for weekends they aren't coming because I refuse to spend a penny on them when they are so ungrateful anyway. At least DS can have fun this summer.

At Anonymous 1:06 p.m.

I never said I hated my stepkids. Not once. Hate is a strong word that I rarely use.

In this case, the kids are only sometimes and only when their dad and I are doing something "cool." THEY are the ones who don't realize mom and dad are forever. Or in our case, that DAD is forever. They have hurt him too many times to count. I am not hurting DH, I am trying to support him. That's why I allow the little brats in the house in the first place - because I want them to have a relationship with their dad.

If it was truly up to me, they wouldn't be allowed in the house. Like I already said, they are rude, aggressive, bullies and like to make shit up. As far as I am concerned, they are trouble makers and one of these days, they're going to tell a lie and get us into trouble. That is my greatest fear of all.

When DS was only two months old, they came over for a visit. When they left, I put DS down for a nap. He woke up and I changed his sheet, only to find a huge thumbtack in his bassinet. I know the younger stepson did it because I found him is DS's room earlier that day and told him to please get out. If that tack had punctured my little baby, god only knows what would have happened.

@Love - This is what gets me. Look at the list of great, fun things you did with them. But all that gets forgotten because of one TINY little incident. It doesn't matter that you did all kinds of fun stuff with them, it's that one seemingly insignificant detail that gets burned into their skulls and causes trouble because they blow it out of proportion. That's exactly the case in our house too.

Another amazing example - We have dogs and the older DS likes to have our one dog sleep with him in bed at night. Of course, the dog sheds and older DS has pretty bad allergies. So I said, "Are you sure you want the dog in bed with you because he is shedding and I don't want you to feel sick?" He said, "Yes, I'll be fine."

They went home and I get a call from the EX screaming at me. Apparently older DS turned the story around and this is how it went. "(Stepmom) let the dogs sleep in my bed, when she knows I have allergies and she didn't even wash the sheets, so I had as asthma attack and got really sick."

Really????

My DH knows he's being a Disneyland Dad, it's the only kind of parent his ex will allow him to be. She will not allow him to discipline them, there is no co-parenting. He pays child support and sees them 4 days a month. She spends the rest of the time telling them he's not paying enough in child support.

The solution for us will be moving further away. I have my own kids to think about. DH is warming up to the idea. Right now we're too far away to be involved in the skids' daily lives but close enough they can visit on the weekends. Putting a few states between DH and his ex would certainly improve the issues between them and give DH some power over what happens when the skids visit.

What's not to understand????? Like I said previously, what are we supposed to do to make it better when we only see them four days a month and they would rather be with mommy because she baby's them and lets them run wild????

My husband DOES discipline them, which usually results in them calling their mother to go home early. Can't win either way.

He doesn't choose NOT to do anything. We will have to deal with her for the rest of our lives and we know that.

And, we are in Canada and unless she is abusing them or a crackhead, we have no legal ground to stand on. Already looked in to trying to get custody and the kids do not want to live with us full time. Not only that, but here, the justice system will always favour the mother, unless you can prove abuse, neglect, etc.

Going to court and saying, "She still cuts their meat up for them and they are 11 and 13" ain't gonna cut it, sorry.

I'm sorry lesbomom. I hope things improve for everyone in these situations.

Exactly. You have to sometimes be what the kids perceive as "mean" and "hurt" them. My mom was "mean as hell" sometimes, but she made me into a strong independent woman. It sucked when I was a kid but in my 30s now, I super appreciate her.

Sometimes it sucks but you have to be the disciplinarian.

I wish these dads knew that, including my DH.

It hurts me to know that the way they're going will end up pretty much losers. :(

happygirl We went to court when my husband's income was cut and the only way to make child support payments was for me to be paying their health insurance myself. The judge said since we were making the payments, there was no reason to cut them. I was okay paying for them then, I could continue to pay for them. DH's ex has no other kids and will bankrupt herself on lawyers fighting us tooth and nail on everything. We have 3 kids, we can't be spending their college fund fighting the crazy ex about whether she can pick up the skids early if they don't like the movie we take them to. That's where we are with these kids. One Saturday, the skids wanted to go to a PG-13 movie and we wanted to go to a movie we could take our 3 & 4 year olds to. So we said no to the PG-13 movie they wanted. They refused to go. We let them stay home with the babysitter. DH got a call at the theater, his ex was picking the skids up early. They couldn't believe he'd go to do things with this other kids and leave them behind. Now it's best that I just remove out kids and he can deal with them full time when they visit.

My stepson broke a friend's laptop intentionally because he was jealous. My husband WANTED him to be punished. His ex insisted it was an accident and only cared about DH paying for the laptop so the friend's parents didn't involve the police. There is no way to disapline these kids. Their mother will not permit it. The only reason DH is involved in their lives now is that he gives them stuff. Otherwise the ex would be fine just getting CS and nothing else. That's why I feel moving is the only option. Make the skids decide either they want to see their dad and will follow the rules, or fine. Don't see him. They can side with their mom and have no relationship with their father. I don't care.

I am in agreement with the other moms on here about going to court. I don't happen to have a money tree in the backyard - who is going to pay for the endless court battles?

@Love - Their mom doesn't come and remove them from our care when they are with us, DH takes them home? Why? Because of the total chaos and tantrums that erupt, that have at times become very violent (the children become violent).

It's fine to sit here and say, "You are the boss, you make the rules, enforce them, blah, blah, blah....." but unless you're actually at my house, living with this, you can't really judge.

These kids are completely indifferent to any form of discipline you give them. They don't take it seriously. I can remember one time, one of the kids told me to eff off, so DH took their bikes and locked them up in the garage, saying they couldn't ride them the rest of the weekend.

Did they care? Nope. Later on that same day, the two of them were sitting there throwing rocks at the garage windows to break them. They successfully broke two windows. Again, DH punished them - he sent them to their room for the rest of the afternoon and told them not to come out. They went up to their room and punched holes in the walls with their fists.

Their mother has made them believe the rules everyone else in the world has to live by DO NOT apply to them, especially at our house.

I continue to see a trend in all of your posts - your husbands allow the behavior and enable it.

@happygirl

That's your answer for everything. It's getting tired and old.

Since you seem to be an expert on this subject, I want you to tell me HOW my husband is ALLOWING this to happen. He has tried to discipline and it doesn't work. Period. Plain and simple.

My husband is not a push over and he does not cave to their every demand. That is precisely why his children have no problem telling him they "HATE" him over and over again. Because he tries to discipline and make them accountable for their actions.

I am not trying to be rude, but I am tired of you pinning this on the husbands when you don't have a clue what we are talking about.

My husband is a strong man and he loves all of his children. He does the best he can with only four days a month. As for coming down harder on the EX, she knows what goes on and encourages it. No matter how sensible and friendly we are, all she wants to do is fight.

My hubby is not afraid to be the disciplinarian. He no longer has that, "I don't want to be the bad guy because I only see them four times a month" attitude.

He sets boundaries, enforces rules and tries to set them straight. It's kinda hard to do that when the little buggers just don't give a damn and know they can go back home to mommy and she will make it all better.

@Love - What "choices" do you speak of?

We have offered therapists, unfortunately, the mental health program in my area of Canada suck ass and the EX go so mad when he suggested it she refused.

We have offered to help with counselling through the school. The youngest agreed to go and spent the whole time in the sessions as a mute. He never talked once.

We have offered that we all go, all together, nope, no dice. We have them on weekends and around here, there are no mental health sessions available on weekends, only week days.

DHs EX loves trouble. She is dangerous, as are the children. Blowing things out of proportion, outright lying, etc.

Frankly, I don't need the hassle and I don't care if that makes me a terrible parent. I have my own child to worry about and since we have made every offer to get those kids and the EX the help they need and all have been refused, I am washing my hands of this.

I don't care anymore. It's just that simple.

Thanks @Love! I appreciate you.

I am not kidding here - we have tried EVERYTHING! We've tried sitting down and talking about their feelings with their MOM and US all together. Honestly, we have exhausted every option because we do care and obviously, DH loves them. They are his children.

As I mentioned, I don't hate my SKs at all. Hate is a very strong word I rarely use. I just feel like the situation is hopeless and we are running out of options.

I understand that they are just kids, but that excuse is getting old. I mean, they absolutely know what they are doing and what they say. They know that they hurt us time and time again and they seem to take great pleasure in doing it.

They were playing money-in-the-middle with my DS (he's two) last weekend, keeping his favourite ball away from him. DS thought it was fun for about five minutes and then wanted his fall. I watched as the younger SK (11) bounced the ball of my kid's head and knocked him down on his bum. My DS started to cry and the SK says to him, "You're such a baby." Ummm, duh???

Point is, this kid hurt my child on purpose and was being mean to him on purpose and he knew it and didn't care. He laughed his head off when DS fell and was hurt.

I really could go on and on, but I won't. I just don't appreciate people saying we aren't going enough, blah, blah, blah because we really have tried everything. Unless there is something I am forgetting or don't know about, and would be grateful for any advice anyone has. :)