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My boyfriend spit in my face under unusual circumstances.
  • TerrapinDragonfly
    Posts: 76Member
    I have no idea what to do. My boyfriend has been developing substance abuse issues that have been causing him to get meaner and meaner. I don't typically put up with it, I just tell him he can't treat me that way and I leave and don't call him the rest of the day. Last night he had mixed moonshine and other substances and was belligerent. I basically had to baby sit him all night and was very, very nice to him. We slept briefly in my car because neither of us were in good enough condition to drive (I had some vodka and cranberry to help take the edge off of having to deal with him). I awoke because I was cold and turned the car on to get the heat going, he awoke pissed off and wanted to get out of the car. I went to open the back hatch (which only opens from the outside) for him so he could get out and he started yelling at me to hold on because he had taken his pants off (and didn't want the light to turn on). I waited, then opened the door and he was rambling some belligerent crap at me... I told him to get out immediately because he was being mean. He looked at me right in my eyes and hocked up a big wad of spit.... he just hatefully spit in my face. I was so dumbfounded I just made him get out. Up until recently he has been so kind and loving... lately he is mostly kind but also having substance issues and so some times that effects his treatment of me. The fact that he spit in my face, even though he was totally wasted out of his mind, is something I just don't know how to deal with. Should I just end the relationship? Is that the only plausible step? Typically I would say so but we have been in a relationship for 5 years and until recently he has always been absolutely wonderful. I just don't know if this is just one of those things women should do to protect themselves. Is this a rule? If a man under any and all circumstances spits in your face must you get rid of him? How else can I handle this?
  • breezybreezy
    Posts: 3,508Member
    I would end it... Do you guys have children together? Regardless I would let him know that he can call you when he gets his priorities in order... make like a bakery truck and roll.
  • WildandFree
    Posts: 1,580Member
    Uh yeah. End it. No respectful man spits in your face drunk or not. And if this has been escalating then apparently it's heading into dangerous territory.
  • AnonUser23
    Posts: 2,329Guest

    Yup, I would leave him. Imo spitting in your face is the worst and most degrading thing you can do to another person. Maybe if he can get some serious help you can get back together but until then I would get out asap. I'm so sorry he did that to you! Makes my blood boil!

    >:D<
  • Still_ur_mommy
    Posts: 534Member
    Spitting to me is the ultimate disrespect. I'm more likely to forgive a slap or push over spit in the face. That's only because I push back and slap back.

    Before anyone jumps on that, I mean hitting is never ok but with help and time I could forgive a slap or push. Spit in the face, I would turn and walk away and never look back. I wouldn't even attemp to fix it. No way!

    But it's really up to you. Everyone has their own line that shouldn't be crossed.
  • mommydeliriousmommydelirious
    Posts: 3,202Member
    Regardless of the fact that he spit in your face, it appears he is an addict and is that something you want to deal with anyways?
    If you do not want to leave him perhaps a choice could be given at a time when he is sober.
    Rehab or Out.
    Photobucket
  • notscary
    Posts: 358Member
    I think you already know the answer or you wouldn't have posted this, but if you need some confirmation, you should Definately leave!!  He's a dick and you are heading for more misery and abuse if you stay
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,757Member
    I so feel for you! I'm dealing with an addict atm too, and he hasn't gotten that inappropriate yet. For me, the spitting would be my opportunity to get the hell out of that relationship. That doesn't necessarily mean forever, but he needs to sort himself out by himself. What's gonna happen the next time he disrespects you? A smack in the face? Draw the line mama! Be strong!! And please free to pm me any time! Xxx
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • AloneOverseasAloneOverseas
    Posts: 2,252Member
    Five years together and now things are going to hell. :(. That's a lot of time together so I'm sure leaving is not an easy thing to consider, but as the other ladies have said, unless he gets help things are unlikely to improve. And I agree. Time to put space between the two of you and let him know that unless he goes into rehab and cleans himself up, you are done. You deserve better. No one deserves to be treated like that.
    I love purple; I love cats. Imagine if cats were purple ...
  • RyotMommaRyotMomma
    Posts: 402Member
    -I- would have a conversation first and explain that what is happening is not ok. He has a choice, shape up or ship out. Period.

    He definitely owes you a sincere apology at the very least. He Also needs to decide what is more important, you or the drugs. And not in a week or a month. Right now! Commit to cleaning up or getting gone.
  • tanamae_89
    Posts: 21Member
    Spitting in the face is disgusting! There is no need fir you to take that kind of abuse. Give yourself some space, if he chooses to get help good for him. MAYBE then y'all can take the steps to work it out. Sounds like both of you need to get in healthy place before the relationship continues
  • Kry
    Posts: 93Member
    I view his substance problems as the bad part here. You need to decide if it is worth staying with them through this. Does he express a desire to change? Does he want to quit, but is having trouble with it? It can take years for someone to get sober, or it may never happen. I would urge you to take a huge step back from the relationship regardless of what you decide. Addiction never just hurts the person who's going through it.
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,071Member
    I'm trying to figure out what kind of drugs make u act like that, I'm an addict and I've never done anything like that when I was high. Was he drunk too? But ur bigger issue is that if he's addicted he either has to get help or things are going to get much worse until he hits bottom and has no choice but to get help. Are u willing to put urself thru that? I was lucky enough that my bf stood by me but I got help. If he won't, u might as well cut ur losses, it will be a long hard road.
    ~slim shady~
  • Peace
    Posts: 2,108Member
    He just gave you a glimpse of your future together if he continues down this path.
    You set the limits for how you will be treated.

    I'm really sorry, 5 good years is a long time.
    Do you live together?

    I would tell him in no uncertain terms that I was done. Tell him you love him, but you're finished.
    He can contact you if & when he gets it together, and possibly, *possibly*, you can talk then.
    But right now? You don't want him in your life as he is. Go. Little or no contact.

    Just follow through on whatever you decide to say. Regardless of tears, pleas, promises.
    All good thoughts, this truly does bite.
    Remember you can't change him, you can only control how you're treated.
    Focus on your life outside of him, stay in control of it. >:D<
  • TerrapinDragonfly
    Posts: 76Member
    We don't have children and we don't live together. I live with his best friend who is also my boss. Our lives and friends overlap so much that if we broke up we would definitely still have to see each other on a regular basis. There is no way around that. I would have to give up all of my friends, my job, my school, everything in order to not run into him, obviously that is impossible.

    I should clarify that his substance abuse issues are on again off again. He will take pills for a few days, for example, come off of them and then be a dick (at which point I avoid him). I get tired of it but he does stop doing them and it is not taking him over. He used to go months and months without doing pills and then slip up and do them one day and stop. Recently he goes more like 1 month completely dry and then will do them one day here, again a few days later, for a week in a row, clean for a week, etc for a few months and then he will stop for a few months.. that kind of weird pattern. He has been partying more frequently and getting drunk but it doesn't affect my life or his ability to pay his bills or anything. The only way it affects me is that he spit on my face and that I had to baby sit him... but moonshine is pretty heavy stuff! The pill thing is something I did mention I resented, and he has not done them since.... but I expect he will probably do them again within a few weeks or so. He mixed other things with the moonshine when he spit on my face and I was not upset with him doing those things or against it, I am only alarmed that he SPIT IN MY FACE. Not sure what the psychological impacts of staying with a man that spit in my face, moonshine or not, would be.
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,757Member
    Does it feel like you are allowing yourself to be disrespected? I think you are worth more than that. You DO NOT deserve that. 
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,757Member
    @four_winds nicely put!!
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • WildandFree
    Posts: 1,580Member
    @four_winds exactly!!!! And you have no actual ties like kids or a home or marriage?! Girl! Bail! You deserve sooo much better!!!
  • Lakegirl34
    Posts: 1,741Member
    An alcoholic/addict doesn't have to use every day to meet criteria for alcoholism and addiction. What you have described are big warning signs: increased frequency, interfering with relationships and withdrawal symptoms to name a few. If you choose to stay you are choosing a life of cleaning up his messes and being in a caregiver role vs. an equal partnership as long as he is using. I would strongly encourage you to begin counseling or go to some Alanon (12 step meetings for family members affected by someone else's drinking or drug use). Whether you go or stay you are going to need support. Best of luck.
  • TerrapinDragonfly
    Posts: 76Member
    Well earlier, since my last reply, I told the people I live with about it- even though two of them have been his friends for 10 or so years longer than they have been mine, (although they are truly my friends as well I love them very much and am loved). I have been very calm all day, not even holding on to anger or anything so I was surprised I was met with such compassionate hugs (as I didn't appear outwardly in distress or in need of comfort). I think that speaks volumes and I think they are all assuming this means the relationship is over. They know him very, very well and know this is uncharacteristic of him but also a serious sign of where his head is at. I am pretty sure everyone's expectations are that the relationship is over at least at the moment. I did break up with him already when he initially did it but I am not sure if he will remember that, and it was also the only thing I could do to not hit him in the face, was tell him, "You just spit on me, get out- we're over, I'm breaking up with you" and he slammed the door and left. I just figured when he does call I am going to have to explain to him what he did before we can even meet to have a conversation about it. I think maybe you guys and my friends have really helped me to see what I need to do. I think right now there is no way for me to think clearly about it and so I need to break up with him and just think about a short term plan- which is break up with him for at least a few months. From that vantage point I think I will be able to see our relationship as a whole more objectively and make a better decision. I don't want him to wait around in agony or anything but hopefully we can be friendly and he will try to be understanding. I just think that no matter who the man is, no matter what the past is, no matter how much you love him, no matter how unusual or crazy the circumstances in which the incident occurred were- if a man spits in your face you owe yourself at least 2 months free of the relationship to make sure you are still in the place of respect that you demand and have given it a considerable pondering. I will say this as well, I am glad that I did not punch him in the face in response but at the same time I kind of wish I did because I feel we'd be closer to even.
  • MegsueMegsue
    Posts: 1,864Member
    I went through almost the same thing with DH, who in actuality is my DEx, but we'll get to that...he too went through cycles, but his would be 3mos on pills, 3 mos sober. By the time shit got really bad, I was pregnant w/ DS3. I threatened and threatened until my face was blue! He'd steal money from me, sold off my valuables, stole my engagement ring and sold it for drugs. Finally I grew some balls, packed up my son, and ran for the hills. He STILL didn't go to rehab. I started to see another man and filed for divorce. It wasn't until the divorce was finalized that he realized I was serious!! He went through a good program, took suboxon (sp?) for a while, and is doing great. We started back slowly, and now live together again. Life is normal an happy for us once more, and I have the man that I married back, not that fucking POS dickwad that I left. Pills are the WORST! Run, run, run!!!!!! And if it's meant to be, he'll straighten his ass out.
  • AnonUser30
    Posts: 1,916Guest
    I really think you should discuss his substance abuse issues in a non-confrontational way. You should take into consideration that addiction is a disease. It can be treated, and he can get help. You have the tools to support him through that.

    I realize you are very hurt by his actions, but at the end of the day if it was an isolated incident and you really want to work through this you should find a way to realize your love will conquer all.  Addiction is treatable.
    >:D<
  • meandmy243meandmy243
    Posts: 6,280Member
    My ex is highly addicted to pot (yes some people are addicted) he made many choices of getting high instead of family time. Now dont get ne wrong i enabled that alot too cause i couldnt stand him sober but he was mean and nasty sober.. For 10years i put up with it the last time he was sober with me he ripped me off a bed and threw me on the floor cause i wouldnt shave my legs cause he wanted to go swimming... I just didnt want to go... I packed my shit and left him.. 10years.. I walked away from.. Had to start my life over.. Im the first person to tell you hate being alone... But i did it and you can too.. This time he spit next time he could choke you or hit you.. Your to good for that.. Leave him before he really hurts you!!!!
    mom of wild children
    going to the chapel 7/5/2014
  • joynfreedom
    Posts: 57Member
    Four_Winds said:

    Oh my god. This person spit in your face and you're questioning whether or not to stay with him? In my opinion, run. Run really fucking far. My best friends ex did this to her and it was the thing that finally made her leave. That is so disgusting, if it was me I probably would've puked on his face. I gag when people spit on the ground, never mind anywhere near me or AIMED at me. It is just the scummiest thing anyone can do to another person, never mind someone they're supposed to love. He does not love you, even if he thinks he does. You deserve so much better than that. When you get married do you want to be standing at the altar knowing you're about to marry someone who spat in your face? Fuck no. You want to marry someone who loves you and cherishes you, most importantly someone who RESPECTS you. There is a man for you out there for you who would never dream of doing a thing like this. Don't sell yourself short. No human being deserves to be in a relationship with someone who would do something so utterly degrading.




    ^This Hunnee. You are worth more regardless of how 'ok' you are with his substance use and abuse issues. Also if you need to 'self medicate' (no judgement here) eg have a few drinks to take the edge off being with him, then what state of fulfilment and joy does your relationship really have? Don't ge me wrong we all have times our partners annoy the bejeebers out of us and we avoid them.
  • Peace
    Posts: 2,108Member
    Yes, their reaction does speak volumes. It also shows how much they care about you. It sounds like from their vantage point they're as worried about you as they are about him. We also don't know what they know, as long time friends of his. And if his friends think this is over, I would trust that & act on it.

    They're reading his stunt like most of us are. Utter contempt.
    I'm sorry, this really is a lot to process for you.
    I did read your other post about him. I think you're getting your answer about this relationship.
    >:D<
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,071Member
    Ok I'm going to disagree here despite my previous comment. Idk if this has to be a dealbreaker. It just depends on if ur committed to marrying this guy or not. If ur not, if u don't want to spend the rest of ur life with him anyway, then by all means dump his ass. If he is an addict, why would u put urself thru that when its not going to work out anyway. But if u have invested 5 years in a man ur planning to marry, imo it wouldn't really be right to not at least try to help him thru it, that is if he wants help. If he agreed to stay clean and that nothing like the spitting incident would ever happen again I would probably give him a chance to get straightened up. But I am biased in this area since I have been on the other side of it. Idk what I would have done if bf left me.

    ~slim shady~
  • TerrapinDragonfly
    Posts: 76Member
    Update: Thanks everyone for your opinions and support. I still haven't spoken with him directly but he did text me and say, "I'm sorry and ashamed but I do think it is better if we stay apart". He also called a friend of mine and while I didn't ask her to divulge information she did say he was hoping to remain friends. This tells me that he knows our relationship is not headed in a good direction and that it is better off that he deal with his demons and understands that I should not have to be in the role that I have been in for the last several months. I think he and I can remain good friends, we have shared a lot of powerful moments together and he really, really is a very beautiful person. He is my best friend and I love him dearly, but as his girlfriend it is not good for me. As our mutual friends said to me this morning, I am always concerned for others before myself and I need to focus on myself now and take this as a learning experience that he is not guaranteed to treat me the way I deserve. So yes, he and I have not had the in person conversation but it is imminent now and I think we will still be able to remain friends. I hope he takes care of himself and I hope to see him happy quickly and in a better place in life. It sucks to have a broken heart but in a way I feel more free. As long as he remains in my life I wont be completely devastated. I'm not sure how this will play out as far as adjusting the way we interact but we have the support and love of all of our friends to make it through this and remain on good terms.
  • goldie
    Posts: 108Member
    As a recovering addict myself, I would bet any money that he thinks it's better that you stay apart so he can continue to use without you being around and getting in the way of what he really wants to do.  Please stay away from him.
  • TerrapinDragonfly
    Posts: 76Member
    Well he has a huge support group and so I hope that he can pull himself together. I hope he doesn't spiral out of control because I would feel responsible for pushing him over the edge.
  • irishlassirishlass
    Posts: 6,757Member
    @terrapindragonfly he does sound like a good guy. I do hope he deals with his demons properly!
    "Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,052
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • TerrapinDragonfly
    Posts: 76Member

    Update: Our mutual friend called him and relayed the convo they had to me... I know that's sneaky and bad! Basically he told her we broke up and said that because of what happened he feels he obviously needs to focus in on himself and get to the root of why he is having issues that lead up to him being belligerent... that he obviously shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now... that I am too young to be having to deal with his baggage and that I need to be free and live my life free of him and his issues.

    so that's that, I know he knows and so even if he hasn't said it to me I guess I am sure we are on the same page now.
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,052
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,965Administrator, Moderator
    @TerrapinDragonfly I'm going to move the comments from your other thread over here, so it'll be all together.

    community-manager


  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,965Administrator, Moderator
    LivinTheDream said:

    Let it go. Walk away. And, go get yourself a nice hottie for revenge sex. ;) Rebound sex - nothing more. It'll help...or at least be fun!

    And, now you live. Get yourself straight, concentrate on YOU.




    community-manager


  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,965Administrator, Moderator
    Hunny said:

    Aww I'm sorry to hear about that. I am about to turn 24 also and have been with my DF for 3.5 years, I'd be clueless as what to do if we broke up.
    I'm sure a lot of the ladies here will have some more helpful advice for you.
    All I can say is focus on you, do what makes you happy right now. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to act after a breakup so do what you feel you need to. Good luck to you! :)




    community-manager


  • LoveLove
    Posts: 12,965Administrator, Moderator
    MammaTeeRoll said:

    give it some time.  definately give him space. it's going to take some time before you guys can really be friends, right now, it's just raw nerve endings and all the things you guys haven't talked about yet.




    community-manager


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