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Am I Overreacting?
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    So I posted yesterday about a less serious issue....and today I have a major one.  Long story short, I figured out that an old dating site account my BF had was still active, though he had removed the profile photo when we began dating.  There wasn't an option to "hide" the profile, and he didn't want to have to start from scratch if things didn't work out with us.  Whatever, I sort of get that.  But a while back I realized he was still logging in on occasion. So I set up a fake acct for a chick I figured he would find hot.  He did - and he took the bait.  Or so I thought.  Turns out, he knew it was me all along, and he confronted me on it.  I denied denied denied.  He didn't log on again until last week.  That had been after about 2mos. So I started another fake but more believable profile, and I messaged him.  Sure enough, he took the bait.  But I could tell this time he didn't think it was me.  I...the fake profile chick...asked why he didn't have a profile pic, and he immediately posted a recent one.  Big mistake.  So anyway, I texted him at 2am this morning telling him that I knew he still had the profile, and I knew he was updating it regularly because of the recent photo...I took the photo about a month ago.  So he calls me this morning, and says he thinks I'm overreacting.  Seriously?!  He's lucky he still has his genitals.  I asked him if he needed third party review to know just how stupid he is.  He's a brilliant man - but apparently dumb as dirt in this area.  He lied and said he hadn't had contact with anyone on the site.  Wrong!  He said the site is also for making friends. It's OKCupid - it's a dating site. And he is listed as Single, not Unavailable.  Strike 2!  And then blamed his posting the pic on impulse and that there was no thinking involved. No effing shit, Sherlock!  So...am I being a drama queen being pissed that my BF is regularly updating a dating profile?  Or do I need to chill out and realize it's "no big deal"?  If there's guys here, I'd like your view as well.
  • Katescrazymom
    Posts: 1,850Member
    Disclaimer - I've never dated as an adult.
    He's lying. Not about if those jeans make your bum look big, about being faithful to your relationship. That's a very big deal.
  • Mommyto3
    Posts: 118Member
    I don't think you're being a drama queen at all!! Trust is a big thing for me and it seems you haven't trusted this guy anyways and now he's given you reasons not to even if you had to be sneaky to get them. Trust you gut and follow your instincts. Why would he even have a dating profile on okcupid anyways?!?! And he should definitely not be listed at single. Facebook is for making friends, okcupid is for hooking up, Jmo.
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    I don't trust anyone - period.  Not one person has failed to to disappoint me.  But he's always been open about everything...sometimes too open.  Not 2wks ago, he was saying he wanted to feel like he could share everything with me and not keep his thoughts secret.  I honestly feel that under the right conditions, he could easily stray.  And I deserve someone who finds it easy to stay faithful.  I think I know now why he's been in the dating scene for 11yrs - it sounds cliche, but I think he's afraid of commitment.  And he's nearly 50!
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    I don't know how to screenshot.  Wouldn't matter anyway, he'd still think I'm overreacting. 

  • BeerWenchBeerWench
    Posts: 2,844Member
    I wouldl be done with him... cut your losses and move on.
    :¦:-•:*'""*:•.-:¦:-•** She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten**•-:¦:-•:*'""*:• -:¦:-
  • fatchickonabikefatchickonabike
    Posts: 5,512Member
    Screen shot: press and hold Ctrl and press Print Screen. Then go into Word or another blank document and hit Ctrl+V. The image of everything on the computer screen should appear. Just FYI.
    "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof bullshit detector.” - Ernest Hemingway
  • DreamerDreamer
    Posts: 2,272Member
    I think for me that would be a 'Deal Breaker'  Not ok to be on a dating sight when you're committed to someone
    There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other. Which one are you?
  • Twins911Twins911
    Posts: 213Member
    it is a big deal. I'm definitely with @mommyto3… trust your gut. Relationships are difficult enough to have trust issues on top of that… 

    Like i mentioned on another posting my sister told me once "if u go looking for something, u'll probably find something u don't like, so just be prepared to deal with it" 

    Best of luck!
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    He's 48, and has been divorced for 11yrs.  He's dated probably an average of 1 woman per year, and our relationship has actually been the longest at 7mos. The first lady he dated after his divorce left him after about 4-5mos because she wanted her freedom...she had just divorced.  She died within a year of breast cancer.  He cared for her more than she did for him, and I think it affected him a lot.  He said he hits a sort of road block in relationships right around that 4-5mo mark...like he doesn't know what he feels about the person.  We made it through that, but I have to wonder if he subconsciously sabotages his relationships because his brain thinks they're going to end badly anyway....as in DEATH badly.  
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    Just did the screenshot.  Thanks for the tip!  I don't like to argue or debate in relationships, but I do like to back stuff up with evidence. 
  • Twins911Twins911
    Posts: 213Member
    @1anonymouslady… thats major. Men like women, also have issues that need to be resolved before they can move on. It seems to me that he really need to come to terms with his past, whether by therapy or understanding that he has a problem that will affect him always and with every relationship he has and needs to resolve it. 

    Unconsciously he sabotages himself in order not to get hurt. It's very common amongst us woman. If we've been hurt, we tend to FIND excuses WHY he's not the right guy… and most of us shut down and WONT move forward we'd rather end it. 

    Talk to him maybe he'll be willing to talk to a therapist… (just a suggestion, because most men won't)
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    We did some talking last night.  He deleted that profile along with all the others that were deactivated but not deleted.  He said he was ill all day with worry, which isn't like him.  He's a scientist, so therapy to him is pretty much useless because he believes most things are a chemical or biological issue, not psychological.  But he does like to open up to me about things, sometimes with more info than I really need.  But I appreciate the fact that he feels like he can tell me anything.  

    He said he loves me (it's rare he says those words), and he wishes he were more like me.  I definitely needed some clarification on that one because I didn't have a clue what he meant.  He said he wishes he had a less distracted mind, one that can focus more on the important people and things in his life, the things he wants in life.  I have a child on the autism spectrum, so I can recognize traits in others.  I think he is on the spectrum, and he's even said he thinks he is because he doesn't just go through hobbies - he goes through long term obsessions.  At the moment, it's World of Warcraft the card game.  Before that, it was orchids...and that was for at least 10yrs.  He gets so engrossed in those things, he doesn't always focus on the really important things.  And he's socially awkward, doesn't always know the "rules", if that makes sense.

    That being said, if he is a quirky one, he also has strong convictions, and sticks to them.  I don't think he would ever intentionally betray me.  He wants to talk through some more stuff with me, and I'm open to that.  I've never had someone who was willing to do that.  I told him though that it will take some time to rebuild the trust I once had, and he gets that.  He was willing to blow off a pretty big WOW tournament this weekend to take me to the beach, but I had already gotten used to the idea of spending the weekend in Atlanta.  I think we'll just take things one day at a time, and he said he wants me to verbalize my thoughts and worries about the relationship more so that we can deal with things quickly.
  • GingersnapGingersnap
    Posts: 7,315Member
    I love geeks and nerds and my husband and I have two kids on the spectrum. I don't understand the relationship between those traits and shopping around for a hookup/date/mistress/tryst/cyber sex/internet fling. 
    image
  • LA_PygmyHerderLA_PygmyHerder
    Posts: 1,239Member
    I think some people have a hard time with attaching emotion to certain actions. My hubs wouldn't attach emotion to it, but it would piss me off royally. then he'd say "It's no big deal" remove the problem and we'd deal. We have the same issue with him having an excess of female friends that I can see (and several people that know us can see as well) want to get in his pants. He doesn't see it, but it's blaringly obvious to everyone else. it's that type A, right brained, engineer mindset that is like talking to an alien. If he removed what was causing the issue and doesn't restart any of it, I think you're safe. But I would watch him for a while to be sure.
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    Well, here's the thing with OKCupid:  You receive a notification when someone views your profile.  And I viewed his some time last week, and saw that he hadn't been on since I faked the first profile a couple months back.  So he received that notification, and a couple days later he logged on again, probably to see who had viewed him.  Curiosity, I'm sure.  That's when I messaged him from this new fake profile.  It took him a couple days to reply, but he did, and he was very brief in his replies.  When he and I started talking, he was nowhere near brief.  Very demonstrative and detailed.  So I have to wonder if he was thinking it was me again testing him.  Because he was very brief and vague the last time I tested him, and he knew for sure it was me then.  He wasn't sure this time if it was me, and I don't think he wanted to accuse me again because he would probably think I think it's utter BS.  I know the truth of course.  He can't just hookup or have sex with anyone willy nilly - he has genital herpes - and he's very cautious with it.  We haven't even had intercourse.  And cyber sex isn't his thing.  His fetishes are much more physical and "spiritual".  I know that's hard to explain.  The relationship between betrayal and quirkiness I meant to explain was that people on the spectrum tend to follow the rules or standards they've either learned or set forth for themselves.  It's difficult for them to break them.  Even something as simple as being late for an appointment or expecting others to treat them the way they treat others.  Stray for their rule or routine and it throws them for a loop.  
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    @LA_PygmyHerder  You make a good point.  Also, he has a hoarder tendency, not the nasty kind though.  He is a collector, a pack rat.  He can't get rid of anything, and I think it was just too difficult to permanently delete those accounts because he had had them for so long.  He feels almost like a piece of himself is being trashed if you try to take any of his "things" away.  And I can't say that if I had an old dating profile I didn't use, and someone contacted me, I'd be curious.  I wouldn't reply, but I'd be curious who was checking me out.  In all fairness, I should say that I did ensure the 2 fake profiles were highly attractive and just his type.  I will be the first to admit that I'm not a very secure person, and I'm self-conscious.  So I don't really trust that anyone could ever remain 100% faithful to me.  
  • LA_PygmyHerderLA_PygmyHerder
    Posts: 1,239Member
    It definitely sounds like you BF and my DH have a lot in common. But also my dh may have checked, but wouldn't have responded or would have been straight forward about having someone in his life. But he's also 48 and lived some of those lessons already lol And the hoarding/packrat-ism? O-M-G I have been tempted to burn the house down just so I could get rid of si=ome of his collected "stuff" and would have room for me.
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    I actually like the things my BF has collected over the years, and wouldn't have a problem with these things in a home of our own.  He has everything from family heirlooms to antiques and vintage items to books...just my kind of shtuff...LOL...But he can't get rid of phone numbers in his phone from 10+yrs ago, or greeting cards, or shopping bags from a trip to Disney World years ago.  Everything seems to have sentimental value.  I don't even mind that he still has photos of all his ex-GF's and his ex-wife.  People come and go, but there are those who leave a footprint of sorts in our lives.  We learn something from everyone we meet, regardless of how things end.  


  • Jessiesmom
    Posts: 196Member
    @1anonymouslady I think I disagree with the general consensus. I could TOTALLY see my husband checking his profile to see who had messaged him and what they said (if he had one!). The fact that he had an online conversation with someone else doesn't bother me too much. As long as he didn't actually meet up with this fake person, or engage in cyber sex, I am not too bothered by this. What does trouble me is the fact that you don't trust him so much that you have gone to the lengths of creating two fake profiles in a few months, even making the second one after being caught with the first! Unless you have some kind of MAJOR trust issues, I would trust your gut. And your gut is OBVIOUSLY telling you that there is a BIG problem. I hope you figure out what it is Momma, because feeling suspicious of the one person you are supposed to trust above all others seems like a terrible way to live...hope you straighten it put soon!
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,071Member
    hmm well u did kind of set him up for failure with this test, its flattering to have someone interested in u even if u have no interest back. he shouldn't have responded but maybe he just wanted the ego boost. u would think he wouldn't even risk it though considering he knew u had done it before. i think that's a red flag, that he would do something so risky. it makes u think that a potential relationship with another woman is worth the risk of losing u. also even still having profiles on dating sites even if they are inactive is inappropriate. he even admits it was b/c he wanted to keep his options open. big red flag. but on the other hand he probably would not have even gotten on the site if he didnt get the notification. just keep ur eyes open.
    ~slim shady~
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    I have big time trust issues....with everyone.   And this man is like no other I've ever dated/married.  He's much more open-minded and liberal.  It wasn't so much that I didn't trust him the first time.  The first time I saw that he hadn't logged on since just before we started talking.  So he hadn't been on the site the whole time we were dating, up until I went looking for him on sites.  I don't even know why I did that to tell you the truth.  And that's when I saw an opportunity to test him.  But he knew it was me the whole time because he confronted me on it.  And he apologized for making contact with someone, even though he thought it was me.  Trust me - that first fake profile was enough to tempt any man.  My gut tells me that he would never betray me and actually meet up with or even flirt with anyone.  But my general anxiety disorder tells me that anyone is capable of disappointing me.  He is actually in contact with younger girl he's known for several years, but I've seen texts and emails between them - nothing flirtatious, even though I know for certain he finds her attractive.  I don't think I'm overreacting, but I do think sometimes I create problems where there weren't any to begin with.  I need to message Scary Mommy and let her know that her site better therapy than any counselor I've ever known!  LOL  It's like group therapy of every type....without the cost!
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    "
    he even admits it was b/c he wanted to keep his options open."  Those were my words, not his.  He never said anything like that.  I just wanted to drive a point home with him.  Maybe make him feel like he could be losing me, the same way I feel at times.
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,071Member
    oh ok i thought u meant he said that's why he didn't delete them. still he should have deleted them but as long as he continues to be open with u maybe u could try to relax a little more in the relationship, def kep ur eyes open but u know the saying give him enough rope to hang himself. try giving him a little more trust and see what happens.
    ~slim shady~
  • AloneOverseasAloneOverseas
    Posts: 2,252Member
    "I do think sometimes I create problems where there weren't any to begin with."


    Yup! Sounds like it. Ok, so he has hit bumps at about 5months in the past ... yours is the longest relationship at 7 months. I can understand why he did not delete his acct ... seems it's a security blanket for him, something in the background to grab onto if needed. And since you acknowledged he hadn't been on it since you two got together UNtIL you set him up ... and he knew it was you ... I say cut him some slack. And then he only goes on a second time when again, YOu set him up. Yes, I also think he was curios ... he gets a notification so takes a look. Curiosity! And you suspect he may suspect it is you again because of what he said in the reply? Is that right?

    So ... now he has deleted his accounts. Seems to me he has taken a huge step toward continuing your relationship and trying to regain your trust. But can he really trust you, too? Will you stop looking for trouble where none really existed in the first place? Yes, he could have maybe disabled his notifications (if that is even possible??), but he never used the site until YOU set him up. Once,ok. Twice ... the issue is yours, not his. He trusted ou, believed in you, was committed to you (it was 7 months, his longest relationship ever since dating!) but you had to test him/tempt him one more time.

    Ok, now is the time to move forward. You are both talking now and he wants to continue the relationship. Do you? Can you?
    I love purple; I love cats. Imagine if cats were purple ...
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    You have a point.  He did ask when he would even have the time to meet up with anyone else.  When he's not at work or playing WOW or sleeping, he's with me.  And that's by his own choice, not that I'm forcing myself at him.  He said last night that he doesn't want anything to get in the way of our friendship, or emotional-physical-intellectual intimacy.  His deleting all those accounts is most definitely a huge step for him.  As you said, it's a security blanket for him.  I can try to put more faith in him, and try to only investigate what's blatant or obvious.  He disabled all his profiles except for that one because there wasn't an option to do so at that time.  So he just removed his profile pic.  But he put it back up when this 2nd fake chick asked.  I don't think he would have done that had he thought it was me...because he knew that I knew he still had the acct.   The issue is more than likely mine to own.  I don't know why I distrust - I think it's like my brain needs to find deception and fault early to prevent massive damage.  But how does one overcome that?  I want to continue the relationship, but I don't want to keep putting myself through this crap.  And I don't want to drive him away.  I swear I just set myself up sometimes to find out just how crazy I am.  But I never seem to learn my lesson.
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,071Member
    it sounds like u could both benefit from counseling, not necessarily together. him for whatever his issues may be autism or not, and u for ur trust issues. maybe start separately and then as a couple. that is what i want my bf and i to do but of course if its not feasible financially u have to try to work on it urselves. at this point there is no way we can do it, i really wish we could. 
    ~slim shady~
  • 1anonymouslady
    Posts: 44Member
    Update:  He sent a final reply to the fake profile saying he was just sending a quick note to tell her that he's deleting his account, and that she should check out this Meetup group for freethinkers...he and I are both members, although we've not participated in any events the entire time we've been together.  BUT last night while we were Skyping, he goes to the Meetup site, and suddenly has an interest in this freethinkers group.  So my thought pattern is that he's suddenly got this renewed interest because he's hoping this chick takes his advice and joins so he can eventually meet her...albeit in a group setting.  I still feel like he's curious about this person he presumes to be real.  But on the other hand, he did ask if I thought I'd ever be able to make one of the group's monthly meetings....they are in the middle of the week, and I am a busy mother with long commute times.  So now of course I'm wondering if he genuinely wants me to go with him, or if he's checking to make sure I CAN'T go so that he has the possibility of eventually meeting this "woman".  Am I creating another problem that doesn't exist??
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