The Scary Mommy Community is a place to find support and camaraderie with amazing moms who love to help one another. We are scattered all around the world, of all different colors and sizes and lifestyles, united by a single thing: motherhood.

Please create a profile to post and for access to all of boards. It's quick and completely painless!

Motherhood Comes Naturally (and other vicious lies) is available in stores, and online, NOW. Do you have it yet? Have you told all your friends and family about it? **Get it, share it, and spread the joy!**
Need a womans perspective
  • Dino
    Posts: 5Member
    I have been married to my wife for 20 years and we have two great kids. Our relationship the past 10 years or so have been all about the kids and we really neglected our relationship. We were both very distant, sex had to be quick because we live in a small place and the kids were around. I found out last month that my wife was having an affair with a former co-worker and before this guy she was having an affair with one of his friends that still works with her. She says that she ended her affair and she trully seems remorseful, she said that she felt unloved and these guys made her feel special. When she saw my reaction to the affair she said that she finally felt that I loved her and wanted to devote herself to the marriage. I trully love my wife but we got lost along the way and we both were very distant with each other. I posted my comments on other sites and the majority of men that comment believe that I should file for divorce and move on, I wanted to get a different view. I am having a really hard time with the deceit, cheating and lying. I really want to salvage our marriage and our family but my mind is constantly wondering about what she has done and what is she currently doing. Even though we both neglected each other I waas always faithful to her and I was at home with the kids while she was out running around. I know that when men cheat it is typically for sexual gratification but when women cheat it seems like it is for a more emotional reason and that leads to sex. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
  • DreamerDreamer
    Posts: 2,272Member

    Ohh this is a tough one.  I think cheating man or woman is tough.  Trust, is such an important thing in a relationship.  And the reasons, while maybe different sometimes, the end result is the same.

    I dont think anyone can tell you if you should end it.  Thats completely up to you. It comes down to can you lie with it?  Do you think that you could ever trust her again?  Do you want to?  What are you willing to do, to get there?

    It sounds like you'd like to give you another chance, and perhaps she wants one to.  I do think that its possible to repair a relationship if both parties are willing to work at it.  In my opinion I think you'll need some help tho.  A counsellor to help sort out all the different emotions, and how best to deal with them. 

    I wish you all the best of luck

    There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other. Which one are you?
  • BellaBefanaBellaBefana
    Posts: 8,188Member
    It's going to take a while to rebuild the trust, especially for you.  But if you think you can get there, and this is what you want, do what you need to do.  

    I agree with @Dreamer, counselling sounds like a good idea, because for one thing you (and probably she) need to know WHY this happened to fix it and keep it from happening again.

    For the record, statistically (and I don't personally agree) when a man is cheated on, most choose to leave, though they expect, if the roles were reversed, for a woman to suck it up and live with it.  I commend you for wanting to save your marriage!
    Bite me, cupcake!
  • AnonUser26
    Posts: 1,161Guest
    Sorry doll, mistake one is assuming women have affairs for emotion.  We like sex, too.  That out of the way.  This is your call.  Can you get over it?  I've heard of affairs tearing people apart and bringing them close together.  I was one that could never get over it.  I tried.  Never worked.  Coundn't forget it.  Nobody can tell you how to feel.  My advice, give it a few weeks.  See how you feel, see if her behavior reverts.  Is she sincere for a few days and then distant, as in stringing you along?  Only you can make this decision.  Good luck.
  • episcopal
    Posts: 1,402Member
    @Dino, this is a DH who would say that leaving right now would be a very rash move.  I think you and DW need to talk and sort this all out in counseling.  You want to make this work and it sounds to me like she at least wants to give things a try.  All the best, and keep us posted.
  • Dino
    Posts: 5Member

    I guess I am not really looking for a should I stay or should I go answer. I was wondering how many people have stayed together and how were you able to deal with the situation. We have been to see a therapist and it did help to open us up and get us communicating again and we have plans to spend the weekend at a marriage encounter so hopefully that will give me some answers.

    Thanks for your comments

  • canadamom
    Posts: 876Member
    I would also advise not doing anything in the heat of the moment.  Give yourself time to process it all and see how you feel.  You already have 20 years in, what's another few weeks/months to see if you can make it work.
  • beambeam
    Posts: 1,061Member
    I see some that have worked it out for the better and some that have broken up and some who stayed but should have gone.... I think you'll have to listen to your heart and not your head in this situation.
    "Magic things are fond of deceptions.” ― Tom Robbins
  • unforgivenunforgiven
    Posts: 12,890Confessional Manager
    I don't have any advice. I have cheated and regret it everyday. I wish I would have stayed but I didn't. I think making a mistake is a powerful thing. It can open your eyes. It sounds like she realizes she made a bad choice and is ready to give your marriage the chance it deserves. You can forgive but you will most likely never forget. Counseling is a must. Rebuilding a foundation might be what's needed to survive this. 

    confessional-manager

    "What looks like torture is a time to rejoice
    What sounds like thunder is a comforting voice
    When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed
    And I say I don't know you
    But you say it's finished"
  • SaraSara
    Posts: 1,040Member

    @Dino, I can see both sides. I was the cheater and I was the cheated. When I cheated it was because my boyfriend at the time ignored me, didn't show any affection and was more interested in girls online than me. Plus, the guys that "liked" me were fun, paid attention and everything was all about me. I was also under 23 so...

    When I was cheated on I was angry so I had to "one up". Not mature but again I was very young. We tried to make it work but it didn't.

    The biggest difference for you is that you have children in the mix. I know you are looking for how people were able to stay together and move on but I can tell you how it rips people apart...constantly making little digs about her mistake, questioning everything she is doing, clinging to bitterness, non of it helps. If you absolutely cannot forgive her and work on putting your relationship back together, it isn't going to work.

    I wish you the best of luck.

    Think of your problems as challenges to overcome not obstacles to be avoided.
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,071Member
    it sounds to me like she just needed some attention, maybe she even wanted u to find out to see if u would even care. maybe she was trying to get a reaction out of u
    ~slim shady~
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,052
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 3,749Member
    @Dino, I didn't have a physical affair, but I guess you might consider it an emotional one. There was a lot of flirtation and conversation--things I wouldn't have done in front of DH. He was really hurt when he found out. This was about 6 years ago, and I'm still trying. He feels better about it now, and we don't fight about it really at all, but I still feel the need to do everything I can to strengthen his trust in me. I am transparent at all times. I don't hide anything from him. If he asks, I tell the truth, no matter how offensive it may be to me that he would even ask. Not that I may not be visibly angry that he asks. It's been awhile and I keep waiting for him to tell me he's over it. He obviously forgave me, because we're still together, but he definitely hasn't forgotten. Your DW will have to be very patient if she wants this to work. There's a lot of anger and frustration in the process, and for obvious reasons. But if you're willing to be patient and she's willing to accept that you have literally NO IDEA how long the process will be for you, then you just might make it. Good luck, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this!
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • Dino
    Posts: 5Member
    @Grits, if you don't mind me asking. What was the reason for your emotional affair? I believe that I didn't give my wife what she needed emotionally and she found it somewhere else. My wife put on a few pounds after the kids which is natural and she was not feeling pretty and I never told her enough, even though I think she looks hot every day. I know it goes both ways and she never really tried with me either. She has been able to open up to me as to why she did what she did but I still believe that she is withholding information. This is more painful than the loss of both of my parents and sister combined.
  • TrEr02TrEr02
    Posts: 688Member
    I really feel for you @Dino, I have been married for 10 years and we have three little ones and my husband works crazy ass hours. As a woman I can under stand how she may have felt unloved or not so good about herself. But feelings like that are usually the ones that you need to fix on your own...you cant make someone else happy unless you are happy you know. I gained weight after my third and I felt like shit!! So my mind did do some wondering ( I dont wanna get into detail about that ). I really scared myself with the thoughts I was having so I got my butt in gear lost weight and started doing things for myself. I think being so wrapped up in every day choas I forgot who i was before kids and marriage. Im not saying what she did was ok because its not, but I can relate. So I would say that counsiling would be the first place to start. You are gonna have to work hard, both of you and Im sure its not gonna be easy. But Im sure the pay off could be well worth the effort. I wish you the best of luck!! Keep us updated!
    We got no food, no jobs...OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!
  • GritsGrits
    Posts: 3,749Member
    @Dino, I don't mind. You kind of already said it though. We'd been together for a few years, I'd had a baby, and I just wasn't getting much attention from DH. It felt good to have someone else show me attention...made me feel like I was still attractive--other men still saw me as worthy. I wish I'd just told DH how I felt, and I'm glad it didn't turn physical. But I know he was still very hurt and felt very betrayed that I was spending time with someone else.

    I know you must be hurting right now, but she's told you a lot. If you feel like she's withholding, ask yourself if she really hasn't told you everything, or if her betrayal left you unsure if you can believe that she's told you everything. I had to spend years making sure DH knew everything he wanted to know. My story never changed because I had told him the truth. You'll know in time if your DW has come completely clean. Whether that takes weeks, months, or years is something of an unknown though.

    Don't blame yourself, though. You may have had a small part in it, but ultimately, the decision to sleep with someone else was hers and hers alone.
    "I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." ~Audrey Hepburn
  • shadylaneshadylane
    Posts: 3,071Member
    Yeah I didn't mean to imply that it was ur fault she did what she did, no matter how bad ur feeling doesn't give u the right to break ur vows and have sex with someone else. Even though u def had a part in how she was feeling, she should have came to u and expressed herself and made an effort to work it out. She probably was attention seeking and maybe even subconsciouisly wanted u to catch her, but cheating is never the answer, and never justified no matter how bad things are.
    ~slim shady~
  • [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,052
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
    well behaved women seldom make history
  • AnonDHnDad993
    Posts: 87Member
    Last year, my DW had emotional affair w/ one guy, emotional & sex w/ another. Started counseling after learning about EA in Dec. Learned about physical affair in Feb.
    It's rough, no sugar-coating that, but we've been together almost 20, and I wasn't going to just walk away without learning what happened then deciding if the marriage can be saved.
    She said she did it because it made her feel young and without responsibilities (her sex was always out of town w/ coworker).
    We decided to try to save our marriage & rebuild it, are both in counseling together and separately. 
  • pennypenny
    Posts: 798Member
    Good for you for taking the difficult road and making an effort to really evaluate things and salvage your marriage. If you're feeling that she's holding back, it may be that she is - perhaps she wants to see if you really are committed to making things work before disclosing absolutely everything and potentially causing you more pain. I'm not saying that's the wisest move when one is trying to reestablish trust, but having witnessed friends go through this I can say that I understand the sentiment behind it. Or, it may be that she has actually come clean and you are having perfectly normal, justified doubts because you have been betrayed. I agree that counseling is absolutely a must here - ongoing, both together and individually. That third party can really help you by bringing a non-emotionally involved perspective to the situation. I really hope that with time and effort you can both move past this and rediscover the joy in each other.
  • wintergirlwintergirl
    Posts: 12Member
    I am mentioned in the above post by @anondhndad993.  I can say one thing that he has told me a lot "no one knows why they will do or how they will react when this happens to them".  Meaning, you can certainly say I would leave if my DH ever cheated on me (which is exactly what I said to him).  But you will truly never know if you will stay or leave until it happens to you.  I admire my DH for staying with me because this is where the work of marriage comes in.  And your story is just like ours - we focused on kids, work, family, etc.  I had a lot of family issues the past few years and even though DH was feeling ignored he didn't want to talk to me about it because I was already going through so much.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and you can't beat yourself up for not doing something that might have prevented it.  It is a very rough road - on both people but absolutely more hard for the person who was cheated on.  I hope you can work it out.  You can certainly contact me if you would like to talk but feel free to contact @anondhndad993 as I'm sure he would be happy to talk to you and would be willing share more information with you.  And counseling is a must!!  Good luck!
  • anonamoose
    Posts: 24Member

    @Dino I can see where either partner could stray, when they are not getting what they need out of the relationship. I am sorry for what you are going through. It cannot be easy!! I think that after 20yrs, you should try counseling and try to work it out. Especially, if she seems remorseful.  It will take time to heal, and to be able to trust her again. 

    Good luck to you!  

  • GypsyMamaGypsyMama
    Posts: 617Member
    There is a saying in some places that I've been 'made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when it would injure them or others' there is a reason for the second part because sometimes those details can be more injurious than helpful to the person we have harmed. I'm telling you this because your wife's apology may have some vagueness built in to protect you. Sometimes we do what is called a living amend. We can't fix the damage we caused but we can do everything in our power to live in integrity with our partner. Transparency, as mentioned above should be the goal but it takes practice and trust.

    I know a lot of people are recommending counseling. It does work for many people. It doesnt work for me.

    I had several encounters and one affair in my first marriage. Those were all largely to somehow try to prove to myself I was still desirable after the damage carrying twins had done to my body. It didn't matter how much my husband told me he didn't mind I didn't believe him. And he wasn't spending any extra time with this new body to help me adjust. I know young parents don't know this but it is important to have a dialogue about the changes to her body. We never did. I searched for the fix out there and never found it. I'm guessing your wife didn't either.

    I found it with my second husband who caresses the parts I struggle with every single night before he falls asleep. There is no expectation of sex with this but by those repeated touches he reaffirms that he loves all of me.

    I am in no way saying what your wife did was right or that she not be accountable or make amends to you. The vagueness of the deeper why may take time to reveal to itself to her and then you. She will probably need individual counseling to understand why.

    As for your own path in healing it never hurts to examine how you could have done things different if you were wiser. Then work on forgiving her a day at a time. If you do leave do it when you KNOW in your soul it is the best thing. Then you can move on with closure. If you go before that I'm guessing you'll always wonder.
  • Dino
    Posts: 5Member
    @Gypsymama, You have some very wise words. I found out about her affairs because she fell asleep listening to music on her IPhone and when I came to the bedroom I turned off the music on her phone and I saw a text conversation between her and this other guy. I read the messages and woke her up to confront her. She denied everything and said that he was her gay friend and that they always talked about sex together. Of course I didn't believe any of it so I took her phone and downloaded all of her messages, even the deleted ones. I thought I was only going to find out about one guy but I found out about two. Before I downloaded the messages while I was still wondering about the affair she asked me to go to counseling which I agreed to go to. After I found out about the guys she told me that if I had not read the text messages she would never have told me about the first guy. This makes me really doubt that she is telling me everything because she already stated that she would not have told me about the first affair "For fear of hurting me furthur". So, I read all of the details and at times this makes it hard because I know how she did it, where she did it and what kind of relationship they had. I really couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. It's like I didn't know who this woman was. Knowing the details is a double edge sword.
  • GypsyMamaGypsyMama
    Posts: 617Member
    @Dino it sound like an ugly, unsavory and traumatizing discovery. She violated your trust and all that information you read is seared in your brain now. If you're like me that will keep flashing behind my eyes randomly and the flashes evoke pain. You may need counseling too because that is trauma that you experienced. Try to find a therapist who does EMDR therapy. It is great for disconnecting those visuals or memories from the automatic pain response. And you can be figuring out if you can forgive her. I've seen the guilt and shame make it so people won't try to heal so hopefully your wife gets through that and starts living in integrity.

    This is my position on marriage. Everyone has crap and crappiness they need to work on. If both people are working on their crap then the marriage has a chance. If not walk away. If you walk please still get counseling. Otherwise you'll be working this old crappiness out in your next relationship and it will be doomed.
  • GypsyMamaGypsyMama
    Posts: 617Member
    Ha funny! Above I'm saying counseling doesn't work for me and now I'm recommending it. Let me clarify. Individual counseling has been crucial for me. Couples counseling has not worked out at all. Sorry for the confusion
Add a Comment